CastorTroy Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 In order to understand the problem you must know the history. Here is the skinny version. I was married to the love of my life and in the relationship for 10 year. She left me for another. I got over it. Done. When this happened I owed it to myself to never put that much effort in a relationship again. I would be willing to work at a relationship but nothing to the degree what I did for my exwife. Well I got remarried last year and we share a functional relationship. (something which I never had with my exwife) So here is the problem I have always had an attraction to asian women. Both exwife and current are asian by the way. But it just seems like over the last 2 years women have been throwing themselves at me of course none of them are asian. Im fortunate to be labled as physically attractive so women have always been at my disposal. Well I have finally met that one asian hottie that i wish I had met before I met my current wife. We have gone out in the past for a drinks among friends and we sure do enjoy each other company. She keeps insisting that we go out but I kind of give her the run around. A few weeks ago we were out among friends and the two of us were talking and I got caught looking her. We both gave each other "the look" She knew I was looking at her and she knew that I knew that I had gotten caught and she replys "Its ok, I look at you with the same thoughts all the time" It pretty obvious what she means here So here is my question Do I go for it? Do i question if she knows im married, then go for it? Do I walk away and regret this blown opportunity? If she were to say "come to my place, lets get each other out of our system, and you go back to your wife" I wouldnt be writing this post. Not interested in replys telling me what an ahole I am because i really dont care. Looking for some realistic sound advice on how to handle the situation where everyone is a winner. s
lindya Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Looking for some realistic sound advice on how to handle the situation where everyone is a winner. Realistically...you can't be an a**h*** to other people and create a win/win outcome for all of them. Either you focus on not being an a**h*** and/or you follow Blind Otter's advice and get a divorce sooner - to minimise the pain and hassle for everyone involved - rather than later.
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 BTW - I was totally not trying to be an @ss. But that's the closest to win/win I could think of.
Author CastorTroy Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Why? I dont have a problem with my wife I have a problem with my compulsion for asian women. If you found a winning lottery ticket would you try to find its rightful owner? or tear the ticket up saying its not mine?
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 It would be unfair to asian hottie #2 to drag her into your existing relationship. She would have to listen to you b!tch about your wife, and might get harassed by your W if she finds out. That is just mean, I think. How selfish. Asian hottie #2 deserves to be #1 to someone!
Ladylay Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Why? I dont have a problem with my wife I have a problem with my compulsion for asian women. If you found a winning lottery ticket would you try to find its rightful owner? or tear the ticket up saying its not mine? Not going to be popular, but it looks like you will persue this , still here goes: Go to an Asian prostitute, get it out of your system. *hides*
mopar crazy Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Your exW, the love of your life, left you for another...how did that make you feel? You mention you went on w/ your life but honestly, how did it make you feel that she did this to you? If it didn't hurt you like he!! then you'd probably be the first not to hurt from that. I know I hurt like he!! when my H left me for another after 11 years of M. Imagine how your current W would feel if you had an A w/ this woman. Imagine the pain she would go through if she found out? Even if she doesn't find out do you think you could live w/ the guilt of knowing you slept w/ another women when you were M to her? If you really want to have a thing w/ this new woman I think you need to D your W. I know you said she isn't the problem but how would you feel if she had an A?
AZKHO Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I am not really a big fan of men at this point in my life, so this post might reflect that, but i am going to tell you what i think. Your exwife left you for another man, and I am sure that you were heart broken over that. In my experiance, that is a very traumatic situation and you deal with that pain for the rest of your life. It is very hard to succeed in a relationship once the trust issue is broken you know that from experiance i am assuming, so why, if you are in love with your wife, would you go out and cheat on her??? Even if you had an affair with this women, just one time, it is going to make it ok for you to have another one and another one. Justifying it just this one time opens another door for you, because you will do it again. You took a vow to your wife, under god, and having an affair breaks that vow. So get a divorce if you can't control your sexual fetish with asian women. Don't have an affair with the other women, bring her into your problems, and then in turn hurt your wife. Even if she never finds out about the affair, she will still be hurt, because your full attention will not be with her and she will notice sooner or later that there is a problem, even if she doesn't recognize it as an affair. Get a divorce if you want to have sex with beautiful asain women. Is your desire for asain women stronger than your love for you wife????????????
theantibarbie23 Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Do I walk away and regret this blown opportunity? I'm going to be brutally honest here. You yourself know how it feels to be cheated on. Bottom line: If you think you'd regret not sleeping with some woman (who means nothing to you) more than you'd regret doing serious emotional damage to your wife then divorce her now and let her find someone who will love her enough to not whore around on her.
Citizen Erased Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Obviously you dont want to hear about what an a**h*** you are, so I will spare you that but like others have said, why make someone feel the same way you felt when your wife left you?? I would think that experience would have taught yiou a thing or two, suprise suprise. There are a few ways how this will end up: 1.You have this affair, your wife finds out and you hurt her, there will be divorce. 2.You divorce your wife before this and she will still be hurt, but hey, you will get laid! 3. You could forget about this and focus on how great your wife is and the life you have together. By saying that you want a solution without hurting everyone you mean for us to give you a way out so that you can get laid and get away with it. This will not happen and I see through you... as im sure others do as well
SoleMate Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 come to my place, lets get each other out of our system, and you go back to your wife FYI, if the sex is ANY good, you're not getting each other out of your systems, you'll just be getting deeper into it. It's fine with me if you be as promiscuous as you like. Out of fairness, your wife needs to know what you're doing so she can make her decisions with full info.
serial muse Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Why? I dont have a problem with my wife Yeah, you do. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=674758#post674758 Looks like maybe your wife isn't the kind of woman you want anyway (except as a temporary balm to soothe you after your ex took off). I think you miss the drama that came with your first marriage. You said in the previous thread (the one above) that you think your current wife is just average looking, but the relationship is functional, "healthy", financially stable, etc etc. Yet you're actively looking to fool around. You toyed with the idea of having an affair with a MW, only a month or so ago, got as far as kissing, then stopped because she turned out to be high drama herself. And now, voila, you're onto someone new. Take otter's advice. Divorce before someone gets hurt. Give your wife a chance to be #1 to someone. She hasn't ever been #1 with you, sounds like.
Curmudgeon Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Yes you do. You're an a**h*** precisely because you don't care about anyone but yourself. For the record, I'll call you what I wish to, not what you tell my not to.
Author CastorTroy Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 Curmudgeon My statement for not wanting being called an a**h*** is because thats old news and have been called that more than once. The women who have called me that have had the courage to say it to my face. But thanks for your useless post anyway. Ill call you an a--hole because I said not to call me an a--hole. Way to shed some light on the situation!!!! Seriously now serial muse - point well taken - thank you SoleMate - very good point and thank you In fact thanks everyone for reading, responding and helping me get this off my chest. Its not like i can say "hey darling, there is hottie who i would like to get it on with, what do you think I should do?" Not trying to make a joke out of the situation but its true. Suffering in silence sucks!!!
Author CastorTroy Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 Curmudgeon one more thing smart guy, only caring about yourself is called being selfish. (which I am) and may i suggest that before you going around calling people names, walk a mile in another mans shoes, then make your judgements. If i went around calling your mother a whore because she had sex and had you for a child you probably wouldnt take it too seriously seeing that i dont know you or your mother. (i dont think your moms a whore she is probably a very nice women) This post was meant for mature responses so if you have nothing meaningful to say, act your age and say nothing. your smarter than that, you really are!!!!!
Sasperilla Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 CT, You DO have a problem but it's not the one you think. You say your problem is that you are into Asian women. Well, you have an Asian wife and that didn't do it for you, so your problem is not that. In fact you have several problems: 1) Despite going to the trouble of getting married twice, you don't take marriage seriously 2) You seem desperate to get attention from women so I would suspect that you have ego problems 3) Now you have entangled someone else into your problems who knows nothing about them In short, don't start an affair, don't buy sex, instead SORT YOURSELF OUT! If you don't love your wife, do what the others have said and get a divorce. And by the way, it is not enough to say 'there is nothing wrong with my wife', why should I. You are not treating her with any respect or decency. YOu might think she is 'alright' but there are probably plenty of guys who would call her 'the love of my life' or 'fantastic'. If you do love your wife, start being a man. Get some help for your fragile ego and start treating her with the respect she treats you. You don't want to be called an assh0le. OK, I won't. In any case, I think it is a lot worse than that. Callous, self-obsessed and immature would do.
Author CastorTroy Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 Sasperilla now thats the response i was looking for. One with insight and brute honesty. Point well taken.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 In order to understand the problem you must know the history. Here is the skinny version. I was married to the love of my life and in the relationship for 10 year. She left me for another. I got over it. Done. When this happened I owed it to myself to never put that much effort in a relationship again. I would be willing to work at a relationship but nothing to the degree what I did for my exwife. Well I got remarried last year and we share a functional relationship. (something which I never had with my exwife) So here is the problem I have always had an attraction to asian women. Both exwife and current are asian by the way. But it just seems like over the last 2 years women have been throwing themselves at me of course none of them are asian. Im fortunate to be labled as physically attractive so women have always been at my disposal. Well I have finally met that one asian hottie that i wish I had met before I met my current wife. We have gone out in the past for a drinks among friends and we sure do enjoy each other company. She keeps insisting that we go out but I kind of give her the run around. A few weeks ago we were out among friends and the two of us were talking and I got caught looking her. We both gave each other "the look" She knew I was looking at her and she knew that I knew that I had gotten caught and she replys "Its ok, I look at you with the same thoughts all the time" It pretty obvious what she means here So here is my question Do I go for it? Do i question if she knows im married, then go for it? Do I walk away and regret this blown opportunity? If she were to say "come to my place, lets get each other out of our system, and you go back to your wife" I wouldnt be writing this post. Not interested in replys telling me what an ahole I am because i really dont care. Looking for some realistic sound advice on how to handle the situation where everyone is a winner. s You're not an a**h***, k. Just don't act upon these urges, that's all! Don't put yourself IN a situation where you can't say no. Meaning, no one on one lunches/dinners with (asian) women! It isn't fair to your wife, and remember, your exwife cheated on you so YOU know what pain is involved...YOU know what it does to trust and how long it takes to trust ANYONE again, let alone your spouse. (if chosen to stay in the marriage). Accept that you're attracted to this woman, but it will be nothing other than a nice thought. You're married, you took vows. Now, if you feel you got married too soon and you don't love your wife, then divorce her BEFORE sleeping with someone else. Let her get over you and find a man who will love just her. Don't be selfish and go sleep with someone else while you're still married. It's just not fair to do that to her and you know this deep inside from your previous experience with your ex.
Citizen Erased Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 From what I have read, it would appear to me that you aren't over your first wife, and you married way too soon. This whole attraction thing seems like escapism to me and that is wrong. The question is do you love your wife? If yes, then you are going through something normal, you are allowed to be attracted to others, but not to sleep around with them. If no, then you need to divorce before you go ahead with anything else. It is not fair to her nor to you and you need to take some responsibility for your actions. I think there is something behind this behaviour and guilt and I bet you know what that is.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Actually, maybe he needs to be on his own if this marriage doesn't work out. Not jump into getting involved so quickly and marrying again... Play the field and have fun, not be committed. Either way, his current wife doesn't deserve to be cheated on. She hasn't done anything wrong.
Sasperilla Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Sasperilla now thats the response i was looking for. One with insight and brute honesty. Point well taken. Wow, I am impressed! I almost wish I hadn't been so harsh on you now;) Seriously, Castor - you need to have a think about why you want to have an affair. You haven't even met anyone yet, you just seem hellbent on doing it. So....my guess is that your reasons for wanting to do it are more complicated than the usual lust story. Do you want revenge...?
JayKay Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 If you found a winning lottery ticket would you try to find its rightful owner? or tear the ticket up saying its not mine? Comparing women to lottery tickets says a lot about your state of mind; you are completely unwilling to be emotionally open to anyone after being hurt by your ex-wife. So now you are in a stable, 'functionable' relationship and wish to add a little spice. In other words, you don't see these women as people at all but as material objects. One supplies security. One supplies some fun. One is like the Toyota that gets you to and from work. And one is like the Jaguar....impractical, but gorgeous and lots of fun to drive. What can anyone really say? You know where you're at in life and what the deal is. Instead of suffering in silence, tell hottie the score. "I'm married. I'd really like to have a discreet relationship on the side." She will say Yes or Go To Hell. If she says Go To Hell you can offer, "I'm thinking of getting seperated from my wife. It's really an empty relationship," and see if she goes for it. Being that you are attractive, if she still says Go To Hell you can rest assured that other hotties will be along soon. You can place ads for Bored Married Man Seeks Discreet Relationship with Bored Married Wife. Must Be A Hottie. Asian Preferred. You may be 'lucky' enough to meet someone in a similar situation who flips your switch. Some of these affairs can last a long time (decades) and some implode within a matter of weeks. Despite your hopes that nothing messy will happen, people are by their very nature unpredictable and hard to quantify. You might fall in love. She might fall in love. Your wife might find out. She might leave you. You might find out that you care for her very much after all. Etc. Life itself entails emotional risk. I am sorry your ex-wife damaged you to the point that this type of life now seems preferable to you. Another possible solution would be to pursue things OTHER than sexual relationships at this point; you could develop a talent, do some kind of work that is meaningful to you or....take a risk...and take up something entirely new and foreign that is challenging to you. Like Tai Chi. Or learning Russian. Sometimes our creative, emotional selves need new directions, so that part of ourselves can flourish once again.
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