My boyfriend's sister hates me

[flowerfairy142]

I could really use some advice here. I've been dating the man of my dreams for 6 years now, and we talk about marriage all the time (just last night we were talking about who he'd pick to be his best man). I graduate with my Bachelor's degree in May and my boyfriend also graduates with his Master's degree, so I think it's definately time to settle down and get married soon. He hasn't proposed yet, but I really hope he will soon.

Anyways, his sister (not blood related, she was adopted at age 4) and I have never been best friends, but it was always clear that she somehow didn't like me. We started talking a bit more a few months ago when she moved away to college, and I felt she was reaching out to me so I decided to go on and try to be friends. But after one night that we decided to hang out, instead of bonding we just completely went the opposite direction. I made a remark that I think she got "drunk" on me on the night out ( we went clubbing and my boyfriend got really mad I went clubbing like that...he says that only sluts go clubbing together like that) and apparently she got extremely pissed off about what I told her mom and just started yelling at me and saying all these horrible things to me...including about how she can get everyone in the family to hate me, etc. This was about 4 months ago, and I recently sent her an email saying that I'm sorry if she felt betrayed about what I called her, and to forget the past and start over.

Basically, she emailed me back calling me a "stupid cunt", and that she doesn't give second chances and that she doesn't usually hold grudges but she doesn't want someone like me in her family and since I "seem pretty confident about joining the family soon" she told me that things can quickly change...and she'll leave it at that.

I went to my boyfriend today really concerned about it and showed him the emails. I did this only because he told me to try and mend things with her so I thought writing her would do. He told me that this looks like a fight between 2nd graders and that not to be silly. I asked him if it's possible that she could change his and the family's mind about me and he just said not to be silly, that "what, you think she can control my life?" and basically said that she still needs more time and is still clearly very pissed off at me. (and I think she's over-reacting BIG TIME)

His family adores me, and of course, so does my boyfriend and we are extremely close. I'm just concerned because they ARE a tight-nit family and even though she DID move back home (coward!) I'm afraid that somehow she might be interfering with any plans my boyfriend might have about proposing to me sometime soon.

Should I worry about just one person in my boyfriend's family hating me? I know it's not so bad, at least it'd be much worst if his whole family hated me, and much worst if it was his mom too...but they love me and they are trying to help us get along. I just see that is being impossible at this point. The girl is 19 years old and I have honestly never met a ruder person. I also feel she's always been jealous of my looks and my talents (I use to draw and play piano in high school...and she took up art and tried to learn how to play piano by herself too...I have blondish hair and blue eyes...she dyed her hair blondish and got blue contacts a while ago...and it doesn't look so good because she's of Mexican descent...but is all that just coincidence? Or just "immitation being a sincere form of flattery" type thing going on?)

And after all I have done for that family...especially helping them cope through when their grandfather died a few months ago too (I think that also has to do a lot with this girl's behavior...). My dad (who's a doctor) went over to see the grandpa when he was ill and gave him medical advice on what to do and everything...and mind you my dad NEVER stops working. So you know, it's things like that that I've done.

It's quite a long and complicated story...I know. But it all goes down to this...should I be concerned about this girl turning the family against me? I mean, it does sound pretty stupid, considering we recently went on a trip to Europe (she didn't go) and now they're including me in a trip to Puerto Rico for a family member's wedding in April, and not to mention Christmas and New Years again with them, this time up in the mountains. So it's clear his family loves me and he loves me too...I'm just really concerned that she might do something to interfere and since they're pretty close...that my boyfriend might actually (or is already) put his proposal to me on hold until she says it's ok or something....is that possible?

I'm desperate enough to write down this here asking for advice from complete strangers...but this concerns me terribly. Any advice, especially from those older and wiser than me would be appreciated eternally!!!!!!

[serial muse]

Okay. Hm. I might sound a bit harsh here, but I'm trying to read between the lines a bit to understand what's really going on.

 

So, this:

 

He told me that this looks like a fight between 2nd graders and that not to be silly.

 

concerns me. I have to admit, it suggests that although you're trying pretty hard to portray her as the immature one, your own behavior toward her probably hasn't been the height of maturity. You just got your bachelor's degree - so you're around 22? That's not that much older than her. This rivalry apparently started when you were both pretty young - 6 years ago - so nobody was very mature at that point, I'm sure.

 

And although I do get the sense that you've made more effort to find common ground, I also get the sense that you feel somewhat superior to her - and you know, I'll bet she knows it.

 

Okay, so also, this kind of thing sounds a bit immature to me:

 

The girl is 19 years old and I have honestly never met a ruder person. I also feel she's always been jealous of my looks and my talents (I use to draw and play piano in high school...and she took up art and tried to learn how to play piano by herself too...I have blondish hair and blue eyes...she dyed her hair blondish and got blue contacts a while ago...and it doesn't look so good because she's of Mexican descent...but is all that just coincidence? Or just "immitation being a sincere form of flattery" type thing going on?)

 

Although I do know what you're trying to say - and she may indeed be jealous of you - I wonder if you can see how condescending you sound? I realize it might just be anger talking. But although I'm sure you feel that you've tried and tried to mend fences with her, I actually wonder if, if you're thinking these things, you've been undermining those good intentions at the same time by being a bit condescending.

 

And then this:

 

And after all I have done for that family...especially helping them cope through when their grandfather died a few months ago too (I think that also has to do a lot with this girl's behavior...). My dad (who's a doctor) went over to see the grandpa when he was ill and gave him medical advice on what to do and everything...and mind you my dad NEVER stops working. So you know, it's things like that that I've done.

 

Okay. Your dad gave medical advice, and you were supportive during a tough time for them - that's great, it really is. But keeping a running tally of who's done what for whom actually doesn't seem that mature to me. You don't support people in pain so that you'll be praised - you do it because you care about them. And anyway, the rest of her family apparently noticed and are happy with you - so let this go.

 

Please don't think I'm just setting out to pick on you - I'm sure you're frustrated and fed up, and she sounds like a pain in the butt.

 

But if you want to be the mature one here, I think the important thing is to keep in mind what's really important, and stop reacting to her childishness with some of your own. It's a waste of energy for you to bend over backwards to convince her, or your BF's family, of your wonderfulness - you don't have control over what they think, and you can't change peoples' minds. And, you know, they haven't gone along with her feelings over the past 6 years, so I don't see why that would change now.

 

What you can control is your own attitude and behavior. So you've been the bigger person many a time - great! You tried. You were supportive about the grandfather dying. That's great, but you don't need to be keeping score. This is the man you want to marry; you presumably love him and (the rest of) his family. You do these things for them because you care about them, not to be congratulated or to have one up on her, or to earn anyone's respect. You do them for them, not for you. See?

 

As for your boyfriend wanting you to reconcile - well, what he said about "only sluts go clubbing together" is actually pretty toolish. He should apologize to both of you, and clear the air himself, if it's his remark that kick-started your feud again. Why isn't he being held accountable by either of you for saying that? He insulted you both, it sounds like.

[flowerfairy142]

Hey, thank you VERY much for the advice, serial muse. I see where you are coming from, I really do. You've made me see this in a different light...and it does sound as though I am keeping score of all my "wonderfulness" acts throughout this relatonship. It's just trying to prove a point. And no, it wasn't my boyfriend's comment that started off this whole feud...it was just the way I acted that night with her that gave her something to hold against me, I guess.

Yeah, it does sound very immature but I guess I'll just have to let it go and be the bigger person. I really don't care about mending our relationship at this point...what I'm really concerned about is her trying to do something to prevent me from marrying the man of my dreams. And even though as you said, at this point in time it's quite impossible to change people's minds after 6 years, I still am a worrier by nature and cannot help but...worry. My boyfriend and I have put a lot of work into our relationship and have gone through so much together and are infinetely close...and his family also loves me very much. I'm just afraid that one spoiled apple can ruin the whole bunch...

So how do you guys suggest I act around her? I see her at least once a week when I come over to their house for dinner. She always makes remarks when I'm around (for example, if someone says my name she'd say "ugh" or roll her eyes...yeah, very immature but it really bothers me although I obviously DONT let that show).

Thank you VERY much for any advice!!!!!!