alturrnababe Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I agree with Tweldy and others here...warning bells are ringing....couldn't you call his bluff and threaten legal action if he doesn't tell you the truth....? I know it's your husband....but he posted those pictures...and you are HIS WIFE....!
933KJL Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 If you know what photos you can try to google the file name and if the site is large enough and keeps the originaly file names, you may be able to find them
carmaenforcer Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I feel lost because, I have always felt most secure and confident within my marriage, and my husband has been my best friend and my safe place, (if that makes sense). His action causes great doubt and worries. I also feel betrayed, disrespected, and embarrassed. I want to threaten him to find (admit) the sites he posted them on or divorce. I'm just not sure that is a smart and healthy idea? First off, that does make perfect sense. Your H should be your rock, your strength when you're weak, your confidant. I'm sure what he has done was devastating to you and you see it as a betrayal of that trust you had in him and you have good reason to feel this way. Please remember that he is a man and you are a woman. Our thought processes are not the same, something that you may see as wrong might not have been intended that way by your H. Let me explain a bit. You see, he obviously thinks you are hot, even hotter that the other women posted on this site, or else he wouldn't have even thought of posting you. I know that doesn't take away from the fact that he should have asked your permission before posting, but would you have said yes? No, I'm sure you wouldn't have, nor would you have taken the time to even try to see it from his point of view. Not that you should have, but that's probably why he didn't ask. Do what you want, in regards to punishing him, divorcing him, whatever, but remember that he is still that same man that you love and cared so much about and the same man that before this mistake, treated you so good. I think my woman is super hot and would love to have the whole world know how hot she is but I would also not want to take the chance no matter how remote of someone that knows us/her might see her naked. I would have made sure that there where no identifiable things in the picture, face shots, tats, etc. I say let him know how he hurt you, in words, then forgive him and give him another chance. He is a lucky man to have a woman that let him take and keep pictures of her like that and if he looses that privilege then that's his bad, but going too far on the discipline can make a bad situation worse and something survivable that may have served to strengthen your relationship could end up killing it or at least hurting it beyond repair. Trust me on this, if he loves you as much as you say, he probably feels bad about hurting you and won't do it again. I would advise that you not listen to fist pumping feminists on this one for they would have you make an example of him for the cause at the expense of your marriage and life long happiness. Choose your actions carefully, and consider the motivation no matter how misguided or ill-conceived your man's action might have been. At least it's you beauty he's obsessing over and not someone else's.
Guest Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Maybe you can google both a web and image search for any pet name or actual name, yours and his in quotes and see if you find anything. Also look in your recent folder or temp download folder, these aren't always deleted along with history. I found that my boyfriend lied to me about looking at porn this way, by accident. good luck
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Our thought processes are not the same, something that you may see as wrong might not have been intended that way by your H. I'm sorry, but that is pure bullcrap. I know that doesn't take away from the fact that he should have asked your permission before posting, but would you have said yes? No, I'm sure you wouldn't have, nor would you have taken the time to even try to see it from his point of view. Not that you should have, but that's probably why he didn't ask. So, he may have known she would say NO, but went ahead a did it anyway. Gee, what a great guy! And I wonder if he'd actually be thinking this "my wife would say no cuz it's wrong, but f*** it, I'll post it anyway cuz my wifey is hot...what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and besides others will think she's hot too! Cool!" COME ON! Give me a break. HE invaded HER privacy. He knew it was wrong. Why do you think he all of a sudden forgot which sites he posted them on. Don't justify his actions. There isn't any good excuse for what he did. Do what you want, in regards to punishing him, divorcing him, whatever, but remember that he is still that same man that you love and cared so much about and the same man that before this mistake, treated you so good. Yes, and his stupid and selfish actions have more than likely ruined a real trust between them. He is going to have to EARN that trust back. I"m not a feminist, I'm far from it. I just think pampering and downplaying what he did isn't going to help. HE needs to know what damage he caused SO he won't do it again, ever. He needs to understand HER pain and really see the full consquences of his actions.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Yes, and his stupid and selfish actions have more than likely ruined a real trust between them. He is going to have to EARN that trust back. I'm with WWIU. This guy has broken trust, and then made it even worse by not facing the music. He's too chickensh*t to offer ANY accountability to his wife....even when he's caught red-handed. I'd have handed him his suitcase.
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Yes I also agree with WWIU. I have over the years taken photos of my SO's, even made a few videos with one. They were fun, great fun. We both found it a real turn on. Your own videos /photos of your SO. I thought it was excellent. However, when we split up, I made sure she had all of them, for her to do what she wished. To the ones who got burned by this kind of stuff I would say not all men are like this. To people who make any kind of justifaction for invading the privacy of anyone in this manner. You are breaking the privacy laws, here anyway. Regardless of the law of the land how in the name of all that is right could you ever consider doing such a low, nasty, morally indefensible, and downright disrespectful thing to anyone, let alone your SO!! I think I am going to be sick now.
carmaenforcer Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Yikes whichwayisup, how do you really feel... I do feel you though, I get all huffy and puffy when the topic of double standards comes up, I hate double standards. Anyway, Shocked & Lost, only you know your H and what he does or doesn't deserve. I doubt that this is the first mistake he's made and I doubt that your perfect. From hearing some of the comments made in regards to this incident you would think we were talking about some strangers violating you and how best to prosecute him. Remember, this is your H and you are his W, you are one not tow, his is yours and yours is his. Do you honestly feel like he had malicious intent in posting your photos? If they were not nude and just photos of you would you have issue with him showing you off to others? Is he trying to embarrass you, defame or demean you? Could it be possible, however so remotely, that he is just really proud of what he has at home and just wanted to brag a bit and did a typical guy thing and just acted without thinking it through enough? How do you (women) react to being punished, made to pay for your mistakes? Do you take it gracefully? Do you take it at all? Go ahead, beat and torture him till you feel vindicated or forgive him and see how your relationship grows from there. Like I said, only you know for sure.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 ....or forgive him and see how your relationship grows from there. I'm all for forgiveness, Carma....but this guy hasn't even come clean with her about what and where he posted. She ought to at least know specifically what she's forgiving him for. I think 'blanket coverage' in the forgiveness department is a bit too much to ask of her.
Art_Critic Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I'm all for forgiveness, Carma....but this guy hasn't even come clean with her about what and where he posted. She ought to at least know specifically what she's forgiving him for. I think 'blanket coverage' in the forgiveness department is a bit too much to ask of her. The OP has not posted back on this thread since they made the original post.. So as far as whether or not he came clean or not since is unknown..
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Yikes whichwayisup, how do you really feel... I do feel you though, I get all huffy and puffy when the topic of double standards comes up, I hate double standards. What did I say that was double standard? I just felt that the jusfications you gave were full of it, that's all. Nothing personal about you. And this isn't a man/woman issue either. People who f*** up and make mistakes should have the guts to stand up and admit it, take the heat. Good or bad for the relationship, that is for the original poster to decide...
carmaenforcer Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 whichwayisup, you didn't say anything that I would consider double standard, I was just commenting about how I get all passionate about some things too, like when double standard are discussed. That's all. Ladyjane14, I also hate blanket coverage when forgiveness is concerned. I personally forgave my Wife (just girl friend when it happened) for cheating on me with her ex, with that came the possibility that a baby she was pregnant with at the time (miscarried) could have been the OM's and the fact that she had been holding on to a group of guy friend most of whom were ex-boy friends, some of which she still had feeling for and dated while we were trying to have a relationship. These outings were of coarse disguised as "just hanging out with a friend". The blanket forgiveness covered all that, and left it so that I didn't get a specific apology or explanation for most of that until much later. My now Wife eventually fessed up to my suspicions of her shady relationships with these "guy friends", because she has been slowly allowing herself to become a better person because of her love for me. But man I hated forgiving stuff that I had to fill in the blanks myself about as to what I was forgiving. Now we are happy and I have a woman that is forever checking her actions. What I mean by that is that she has changed so many things about her self, keeps correcting her actions for sake of our relationship and all because I supposedly deserve it. Now my concern with Shocked & Lost (OP) going too far on the punishment with her H, is because people usually do not like to get beaten up for their mistakes. Deserving or not, overly rubbing someone's nose in something will breed resentment and poison the relationship further. Art_Critic, is right. I would love to hear form the Original Poster how this has progressed.
cplfun13 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I apologize for my absents after my post, I took some time for myself and that involved a place with no computer. All your comments, advice, and opinions are very much respected and appreciated. Unfortunately, my husband never came clean or shared with me the truth and where abouts of my photos. I did lots of research and never found them either. I am embarassed to say that in the process of the search I found out lots about my husband and his adventures on line. Very dissapointing, hurtful, and mind blowing. I prided myself and often bragged about my wonderful stable marriage, along with how happy and proud I was that we were different, stronger, and more solid then most. I now lower my head and feel shame and embarrasement about my blindness. I have opted to go to counseling and give it a try. I have been brutally honest with my husband, myself and the counselor. I have very high doubts towards reconcilliation and trust building. I will try but feel it will only take a very small mistake on his part to push me out the door. All his actions are 100% trust destroyers. He states he wants to work this all out and do whatever it takes to make it right, yet still (can't) come clean. I feel he just wants to forget what has happened and work from there. That to me is wrong. I know so many people go thru crap like this, and I am not alone, but I have to say I NEVER saw it coming or thought it possible for him to be this way. I fully felt we were very happy and satisfied in our marriage. He always told me he felt the same. I have been run over by a bus and it keeps backing up and running me over again and again. I love him, I cant turn that off, oh how I wish I could. Thanks for letting me vent and wine.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 He states he wants to work this all out and do whatever it takes to make it right, yet still (can't) come clean. I feel he just wants to forget what has happened and work from there. That to me is wrong. What is his fear of telling you? Maybe there is more that he's done and he's absolutely terrified now because he could LOSE you. Personally I think that is why he's so tight lipped about it. Sooner or later you have to decide, with the help of therapy (which is great btw) to trust him again and rebuild the marriage to make it better and stronger, yet work through things. Obviously he has some issues if he felt the need to post your pictures, or do other things online ... That isn't your fault! It's something in him that isn't quite right. Maybe midlife crisis or something? Eitherway, HE needs to figure it out and come clean. It's up to him to gain your trust again and work his tail off to make it up to you. Don't give up quite yet. Give him a chance.
Pink_Tulip Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Wow. You are certainly a bigger person than I am... I would not be able to forgive my H posting pics, and then not coming clean. However it works out in the end, I wish you peace. I can't imagine you have a lot of it right now. What does your counselor say about him not coming clean? That is really what blows me away about this whole thing. How can you even begin to heal and move on if he won't fully acknowledge everything he did? I really can't get around that.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Until he feels safe enough, he isn't going to spill it. Can I ask you something? If he does come clean, are you willing to forgive him and work through it all? Maybe that is why he's holding back...Fear of the unknown. Oh, don't get me wrong, what he did wasn't right and he's a fool for doing it, but somehow he needs to say it all anyway. Find out WHY he did it. Him saying "I don't know" just doesn't cut it. There's always a reason! Just don't blame yourself for it, k. This is his fault.
cplfun13 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 He has to come clean on a few things and he tells the counselor the same thing he tells me, "he really does not remember the sites". She has advised him to maybe seek separate sessions on his own. He feels no need for that, because he is being honest! I have told him it can't get any worse then the actual posting of the pics, the site will not matter, and the comments will not matter, if he swapped them, it does not matter, I have imagined the worse and the actual posting is the worst for me. There out there, where and what there doing is not the problem now. I already know what he did, so to me the rest is just salt on the wound. So let’s get the details out there and help me begin to move on. He does not get that fact and I believe thinks it could get worse for him. I hate that the responsibility lies on me to make him feel comfortable and safe to come clean. I don't lie to him, I can't promise to stay if he tells me or if he does not. All I can promise is to stay in counseling and try. For how long? I don't know.
cplfun13 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 [quote name=carmaenforcer But man I hated forgiving stuff that I had to fill in the blanks myself about as to what I was forgiving. [/quote] This is exactly what I feel I am being expected to do also..
Pink_Tulip Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I hate that the responsibility lies on me to make him feel comfortable and safe to come clean. Exactly, this is where I'd have a serious problem. I don't think I would be able to forgive this even if he DID come clean, so I have a lot of respect for you for going to counseling and trying. But HE was the one who lied and screwed up, who cares about how he feels?? He broke it, he needs to fix it. And he is putting the repsonsibility of HIS feelings on you, and you are the victim! ARGH! I don't even know you and I am so upset and frustrated over this, I can't even imagine what you are going thru. You are a very strong person.
catgirl1927 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I would advise that you not listen to fist pumping feminists on this one ... At least it's you beauty he's obsessing over and not someone else's. Uh, I'm a feminist and not sure where you're going with that comment. Just because she's his wife doesn't mean that her body belongs to him and he has a right to share it. And saying that doesn't make me a crazy extremist. It's not insane to say that women are intelligent PEOPLE with minds and souls who deserve respect. And what the crap is the second comment? Oh, be grateful he's posting naked pictures of you because at least he's not posting naked pictures of others? This is a terrible violation of trust and a show of a complete lack of respect for her as his wife and as a person.
cplfun13 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 There is nothing here to be grateful about in my eyes. I could never look at it as you expressed. Could you or would you look at it that way?
carmaenforcer Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Yeah, if my wife posted pictures that we both agreed were sexy of me on the internet I would be flattered, because she obviously thinks I'm something to brag about. I actually do think that my body belongs to my Wife now that we are married, actually since I decided to be exclusive to her, and she can do with it what ever she wants, within reason. For me overstepping the boundary would be her continuing to do stuff to or with my body that hurt me, I would forgive the first one, especially if it looked like it was not malicious. Wanting the head of the person you love on a stick for his/her mistakes is a contradiction of the point you are trying to make in the first place. He might have done this not thinking that it was that big of a deal, a mistake. Now you expecting his Wife to torture him deliberately for this mistake is just vindictive and self serving. I think two wrongs do make a right sometimes, I don't call myself carma (Karma) enforcer for nothing. But my thinking on this is, that if a person does you wrong intentionally with malicious intent, you then have the right and duty to return the favor. Balance, equal treatment. But I think this is getting blown out of proportion and it will serve no purpose but to hurt the relationship further rather than help it to keep dueling on this one mistake. I mean ladies, and you can't say you don't do stuff that pisses your man off, would you be ok with your man beating anything you did wrong into the ground? No you wouldn't, you would want him to be forgiving and understanding as to your feelings that might have lead you to do what you did, or some BS like that. Right? Yes, it is wrong for a man to post nude pictures of his wife on the internet without her conscent, but since no one is perfect and people are intitled to make mistake and I'm sure no one likes to have their noses (overly) rubbed in it, I would suggest to just get over it or leave him and find that perfect man that doesn't make mistakes. As much as girls might not like it or care to understand, it's in our nature as guys to brag about what we have that is better than other guys, car engines, computers, smart children, etc. It's an extension of our ego's. Not right or wrong, it just is.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 The problem is, he isn't owning up to it. He IS hiding something, I mean WHO in their right mind POSTS pictures and doesn't remember the site? If he was able to post ANY sort of picture, he'd have to be a member. So, even if he clears his history, instead of typing in www, start typing letters, one by one. Something should be recongized and there will be a list to all "S" sites he went to in your pulldown screen.
catgirl1927 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 For guys to say that this is ok is just absurd. Imagine that your brother in law did this to your sister. Or your dad did it to your mom. Is it still ok? It's really about trust, and he's not being totally honest with her. It sounds like there is a LOT more going on than just this picture thing.
carmaenforcer Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Catgirl, I totally agree with you. On the trust issue thing. My posts may sound a little bias toward the guy point of view, I am a guy, but I am also all about fairness and trust and this guy did take advantage and abuse his Wife's trust. I really hope they can survive this. And in answer to your question, I would not be happy if someone posted pictures of my Mom, first off she's really old and that's just sick. J/K All joking aside though, anyone posting pictures of another without their consent is wrong. She should catch him taking a dump or a pic of his member when it's tiny and post that on a site that she knows his friends frequent. That's straight Karma at it's best, nothing teaches a lesson that payback.
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