I'm meeting the ex soon!

[notmakingsense]

My ex contacted me after almost 4 months of NC.

 

We had an on-again-off again relationship in which I was the one who was fully committed, but she was never sure, and although I was the dumper, it was only because she had started to withdraw and eliminate contact (as she had done before in the past), and I got fed-up.

 

I am definitely not over her yet. I was head-over-heals for her up until the very end, and I'm at a point in my life where it has been difficult for me to get out there and meet others, so my moving on has been very slow. The acute pain ended, but I was still having daily thoughts of her accompanied by a constant low level sadness.

 

She broke NC and we have since talked on the phone. I kept things to a very surface level, nothing serious, just catching up on general things. She told me that I sounded good. She then asked me if I'd be interested in meeting her soon. I sead yes.

 

I know I should have said no -- to maintain NC -- so please, I really don't want all the flames from all the NC advocates on this forum right now. I am very familiar with why NC would have been the best route. In fact many of my posts are to recommend NC to others! I've already made my bed, and now I have to sleep in it. I wasn't strong enough to refuse her invite -- so I now want to make the most of it.

 

To that aim, the advice I'm looking for is how I should approach the meeting with her. Keep in mind, that my heart still aches for her. I don't know whether or not she has someone else in her life yet, but I do know she is a very beautiful and social creature who has guys falling all over to meet her all the time -- so the odds are that she's met someone.

 

My heart rate increases when I think about the meeting, and my self-esteem is at a fairly low level. I also should mention that I haven't been out too much, and haven't been dating others -- and I imagine she has -- so things will be out of balance there.

 

I want to hear about your techniques for battling my inner deamons successfully enough to have a meeting with her that doesn't cause me to come across as needy pining person.

 

Thanks

[CaliGuy]

#1 I would say for you is to not go to the meeting in hopes of a reconcilliation. Since she contacted you, you just want to make the meeting light, breezy and let her do most of the talking.

 

See if you can find out what has changed in her life to want to contact you again. Make sure you resist all urges to just jump right back where you left off as you will most assuredly end up right where you left off, single again.

 

Above all, maintain your independence. You don't need her in your life. Sure, you want her, but you can life with out her. Show her life is great without her in it. As long as you go with little expectations if you leave without resolving anything (or worse, she says we'll never get together) then at least then you will not have been let down.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks Cali --

 

I'm trying to rehearse the situation in my mind so that I don't re-hash the past. Part of me really wants to ask her why she ended things the way she did, whether or not she has someone new in her life, and all that stuff. Particularly the latter -- I really would like to know if there is someone else, but I also really want to come across as not being impacted by the answer (although I will be!). She's definitely been out and active with friends, and I'm really tempted to probe her about that -- but I think that will be a baaad idea on 2 counts: (a) I may come across as caring too much about the answer, and (b) I may be totally messed up by the answer!

 

I can't compete with her in terms of my having a happy, outgoing, and fulfilled life -- so I won't try, but I will try to highlight the positives of what is going on with me.

 

The worst case to me would be that I find out that she is dating other people, and that she simply wants to re-kindle the friendship we had (our relationship started with friendship). I need to mentally prepare myself for that worst case.

 

Any effective forms of meditation or self-calming techniques I can use to quell the high-stress I'm experiencing right now? I could down a few shots of Tequilla before the meeting, but I doubt that would be a good idea!

[CaliGuy]

If you still love her a friendship is impossible. But don't ask any 'why' questions. Instead, let her do most of the talking. Don't volunteer a lot of info on what you've been up to. Instead just say "I've been keeping myself busy and active." If you initiate any talk about the past she will know you're still hung up and you'll end up ruining any chance for a reconcilliation.

 

Women want to be with fun, upbeat, confident men. If she sees you sweat you're in for some disappointment.

 

You can help yourself by using CBT. You feel what you think. So if you can convince yourself that you are happy without her (and you are and will be) then you will show that to her when you see her. Don't be nervous. You are a good person and worthy of her time and attention. Don't be arrogant, just be confident, happy and care free.

 

Life is good with or without her in it. The sooner you convince yourself of that the easier it is to let go, be carefree, happy and confident

 

Whatever you do, just don't stress! Don't over-rehearse the meeting. You have no clue what she's really thinking until she says it. So just make it light, fun and be happy.

[skeptik224]

There's no need to ask if she's seeing anyone else. I'm sure it'll come up in one way or another during the meeting. Don't bring up the past relationship or try to get closure now. Be the strong person you were when you met her. Cali is right...you don't need her in your life. You've managed just fine since the break up and are getting stronger every day. Don't have any expectations. Things never play out in life the way they do in your mind. So, replaying potential conversations in your head isn't worth the energy. You need to focus on your attitude. Your self-esteem may not be at the hightest right now, but show that it's strong. A shot of tequila wouldn't hurt - just don't do more than one. Put in your head - as hard as it is - that this meeting is solely for rekindling a friendship. If you go with higher hopes, you may be more disappointed than if you didn't have any. This meeting will give you some answers - and most likely provoke more questions. Just go along with it. Let her direct where the conversation goes. Be strong but not a hard-ass.

[notmakingsense]

Cali and Skeptik -- you guys are the best! This is exactly the type of pep-talk that I need right now.

 

I'm going to try to mentally put myself in a zone where I'm just trying to have a good time. She's going to be a brand new woman to me, this is a brand new relationship. I actually do have a lot going for me, and my attitude will reflect that. I will do what it takes to not appear nervous or hung up on things. I will approach the potential knowlege of her dating others with the attitude that a good friend would have and appear happy for her, then at the same time, remind myself (without saying anything) that not only am I Ok without her as a gf -- I'm a great catch and she's the one making a mistake.

 

Anything can happen my friends, and I will do my best to turn this in to a win-win situation. If my new knowledge isn't positive, then I will try to think of this as an opportunity to embrace the bad news and carry on with my life successfully in spite of it!

 

Anyone out there face a similar situation?

[Mz. Pixie]

Remember what we talked about NMS. You've just been having a BALL lately. Let her ask the questions, you don't ask ANY except maybe how the kids are, or how the job is that kind of small talk.

 

At the end of the night I'd ask her what prompted her to contact me again?? Had she changed? If not, our being friends could serve no purpose.

[notmakingsense]

Remember what we talked about NMS. You've just been having a BALL lately. Let her ask the questions, you don't ask ANY except maybe how the kids are, or how the job is that kind of small talk.

 

At the end of the night I'd ask her what prompted her to contact me again?? Had she changed? If not, our being friends could serve no purpose.

 

Will do Mz Pixie -- but if she doesn't respond positively with the "has anything changed?" question, should I drop the "I can't be friends" bomb, or should I just acknowledge her and just move on with no effort on my part to keep up any contact without expressely announcing this plan?

[wendel1]

I met my ex 3 months after splitting up (she dumped me) and it was awful..she was already seeing someone else at this point.. I thought I was over her but as soon as I saw her walking towards me...I got sweaty hands..butterflies etc....it was definitley too soon. After that meeting I realised I was not over her and called her to say I couldnt be her friend.and needed to heal....she understood.and i've been in NC ever since (3 months)

 

She did call me at xmas..and I was able to have a nice chat with her. Then it was back to NC.

 

All Im saying is if you are going with the expectation to get back with her then I wouldnt get your hopes up.....I think you need to completely heal the wounds and if you still want another chance (which could be 6months, 1 year+ later) thats when you can begin to date from scratch, with no emotional baggage. Thats if you still want to of course!

 

Good luck though mate..be strong!

[notmakingsense]

yeah wendel -- I know. I'm going in expecting the worst... I already know I'm not over her -- so I'm going to do my best to mentally prepare.

 

After the 3 months -- was it her who contacted you? Did she just simply want to rekindle the friendship?

 

I'm not too keen on "announcing" that I can't be friends. Even if it is the truth, admitting this to the person who affected me makes me feel weak. I'd rather just go back to NC and appear to the other person that I don't care that much. I don't know -- neither option sounds great.

[wendel1]

Well. we were in a LDR...as in different continents.it was this distance which was the end of us but..I really got to know the area where she lived and enjoyed living there...so I went back thinking I could have a good time and cope.

 

She wanted to meet me, and I think she wanted to continue as friends.she phoned me the day I arrived . But she was over me..and seeing somebody else at this point..

 

However, I soon realised that I couldnt lie to myself or her...and that I couldnt be her friend. ( I knew this as she started talking about her new boyfriend within 5 mins..and at that moment I realised 'what the F*%& am I doing here')...and i'd just be prolonging the hurt being her friend.

 

So one or two days later I called her then met her to say I couldnt be her friend, and that I was letting her go..she understood..we had a long hug and ..I've been in NC ever since. I'd say Im about 85% healed now...I guess one day I'd like to get back in touch...but last time I heard (5 months ago)she was with somebody else and Im not going to hang around waiting for her...

 

I dont think its weak telling her you cant to be her friend..why fake it by hanging round with her? .just take the time out to heal yourself..then the next time you meet her (which could be a long time) you will feel 100% confident, you may be in another realtionship then and not care anyways..and who knows what the future can hold...

 

Good luck either way!

[notmakingsense]

I dont think its weak telling her you cant to be her friend..why fake it by hanging round with her? .just take the time out to heal yourself..then the next time you meet her (which could be a long time) you will feel 100% confident, you may be in another realtionship then and not care anyways..and who knows what the future can hold...

 

Good luck either way!

 

Wendel -- Thanks for your responses!

 

I wouldn't hang around with her. I would just take the time out without announcing it. It somehow makes me feel better / less weak in her eyes, and she'd just assume that I'm not all that interested in maintaining a relationship with her.

 

Like I said earlier, I'm not sure of the best approach with this one. Maybe what I'll do is say "If you don't hear from me much, it is because I still have feelings for you, and because you just want to be friends -- I'd just be a pain in the a'ss to you because I'd constantly be trying to hit on you!"

[CaliGuy]

Wendel -- I wouldn't hang around with her. I would just take the time out without announcing it. It somehow makes me feel better / less weak in her eyes, and she'd just assume that I'm not all that interested in maintaining a relationship with her.

 

Like I said earlier, I'm not sure of the best approach with this one. Maybe what I'll do is say "If you don't hear from me much, it is because I still have feelings for you, and because you just want to be friends -- I'd just be a pain in the a'ss to you because I'd constantly be trying to hit on you!"

 

Noooooooo, don't say that.

 

Look, she knows you are interested by meeting with her. If she wants to maintain a friendship just be frank. "I don't think that's a good idea." If she asks why, tell her! "It's not fair to me to keep me hanging around while I still have feelings for you."

 

There's nothing weak in saying that. In fact it shows that you're smart enough to know that you're not going to accept crumbs of her attention when you feel you deserve it all.

 

Regardless, just listen to what she has to say. There's no reason to jump to any conclusions right now. Let her talk. Let her get whatever it is she wants to get off her chest. Listen, be happy, smile. You're happy without her, remember? Life is good without her, right? You'd love her to be a part of your life but you don't need her.

 

Do be calm.

Do be confident.

Do be happy.

Do be self-assured.

Do be attentive and listen.

Do smile.

Do be fun.

Do be charming.

Do be a gentleman.

 

You don't need anyone. You're a good catch (she knows this or she wouldn't be talking to you.)

 

Don't be arrogant.

Don't be cocky.

Don't beg.

Don't cry (never, ever cry unless your mom died!)

Don't pleade.

Don't rehash the past unless she brings it up.

Don't point out her faults, she knows them.

Don't point out your faults, you know them.

Don't have expecations.

[notmakingsense]

I was trying to give a touch of humor to whatever my statement to her would be -- but perhaps that one just can't be said in a funny way.

 

Actually, knowing her, the subject won't even come up unless I draw it out of her. Mz Pixie suggested that I ask her why she got back in touch with me. This is likely to elicit a fairly nondescript response, like "I miss you, and I like hanging out with you." If this happens, what do I do -- ask her to define "hanging out"?

 

If that's how the conversation goes, I'm wondering if I should just simply end the conversation on a positive note, then hang back and see what her actions reveal (e.g. whether or not she asks me out on another date any time soon).

 

Thoughts?

[notmakingsense]

I started a new thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=715756#post715756