Masturbation

[Babylonia Beaune]

I think it's important for married couples to fantasize about each other. But many people are so embarrassed by their sexuality or their bodies they won't provide sweet little pics of themselves for their partner's to dream on. I'm speaking of women, of course. I don't know of any women who have asked for pics of their husbands... I provide the porn in my house, believe me, and I love it but I wish he'd help also. Too bad my husband's taste for pornography is pretty tame. I actually have to prod him sometimes to cooperate and watch me performing or to please look at the pictures. I have given him videos I taped of myself. Of course, he gets excited, but he's rather too embarrassed to show his excitement to me. And he makes cool little jokes sometimes, which turn me off for weeks. I wish it weren't this way with him but it is and so has always been through all the years of our marriage. I have shown my girlfriends some of these domestic porno productions I made of myself for my Mr. Man. I really worked on them to make them suitable for him. I always tested them by showing them first to my women friends for an "okay." I ran the gamut of lingerie, toys, high heels, exercising, doing aerobics, talking dirty, watching porn on camera, etc. The ones he liked the best always featured me in high heels and nothing else.

 

 

This is a HOT BUTTON topic in our relationship. My Wife is threatened by my "taking care" of myself. I think mainly because I told her I refuse to compromise on how I take care of myself. What I mean by that is that I will not be told where and how I should flog the general. This having been established, I absolutely NEED "visual aids" when taking care of business, this bring up another hot button issue in our home, porn. I told her that I don't need to look at other women to get off, but I do need to look at a naked woman.

I suggested that if she could give me some pictures of herself in the nude and preferably in provocative poses, that would do just fine.

We don't have a digital camera yet so she laid next to me naked and let me take care of myself, I even was allowed to touch her and kiss her while doing my thing. The whole thing didn't last but 30 sec. tops because I was so exited, unfortunately this was an isolated incident and she has never offered to do that again. The topic has come up again given us men need to release on a regular and with still no digital camera, we seem to be back at square one.

[faithfulgirlie]

That's funny because I want sex more than him. We've been married for 7 years. The guy doesn't even care if I went downtown. He just wants me to leave him alone. Sometimes I wish I was married to a guy who wants sex, couple times a day, every day.

[Outcast]

Hadneufff:

 

chill.

 

really.

 

it's no big deal.

[hadenuff]

Hadneufff:

 

chill.

 

really.

 

it's no big deal.

 

Is that so? Please explain why it's no big deal...cuz it sure feels like one. And I know I'm not alone with these feelings. I've been checking around on-line and it seems there's an awful lot of women out there feeling just like I do...some are even worse off. Tell me how it's no big deal then.

[JamesM]

Hadenuff, if it is a big deal to you, then it is a big deal. What Outcast is attempting to say in a crude way is that this incident may not be indicative of a larger porno problem for your husband. I am not saying that there is no problem, but let's think to the positive until otherwise shown.

 

Yes. porno has been a big problem for many marriages but I don't think you are there.

 

Now to talk from the other side...a sign of a guy heavily involved in porn is one who cannot get off with a real woman. Does he have access to internet porn? And when he gets up at night, where does he go? Could he always be going to the couch? If he has a computer. check history, etc.

 

But either way, porn or not, you marriage has some areas for improvement. I suggest a MC.

 

What blows my mind is that I moan and groan that I have a woman who doesn't like sex, and I need to go solo, and here he has a woman who is willing and he chooses to go solo! Why is life like that?

[hadenuff]

Thanks, JamesM. It is a big deal to me, altho I wish it wasn't. We have so much else going for us marriage wise that you'd think I could stomach this one minor indiscretion...if I may use that word.

 

My hubby never uses our computer...its my toy. In fact I have it set up so no one else can get into it without the password. I'll often get up to go to the washroom or kitchen when he's up like that, as it disturbs my sleep when he gets up. He's always lying half asleep or soundly asleep on the sofa. Only rarely is the TV on. It seems that one night I "caught" him was indeed a freakishly singular incident.

 

I've talked to him in past years about us seeing a MC for our sex drive differences, but he didn't think we needed the help. Last year I discovered a book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis, and it literally changed our sex life almost over night. I was surprised he even agreed to read the book. He did and was impressed with it and took it to heart to the tune of being the one who now initiates sex most of the time. I just can't understand tho how/why he'd waste his time wanking himself off in the wee hours of the night when I'm so willing to please him...any time. Do you think I should discuss this point with him? If so, how would you suggest I broach the topic without putting him on the spot?

 

I personally don't know anyone who's in a sexually compatible relationship Why indeed is life like that? It's not fair.

[barfool]

how would you suggest I broach the topic without putting him on the spot?

 

It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship when the sex drives don't match up. Neither person will get exactly what they want which can lead to hard feelings. Though I don't share your position on porn and masterbating, I do understand your feelings of "I was available, why didn't he come to me?"

 

In that situation I think I would have snuck down and given him a "helping hand." It's a gentle way of letting him know that if he desires pleasure you would be more than happy to help him.

 

It is entirely possible that he went to the TV with no intentions of masterbating but upon seeing some soft porn he figured "why not?" I don't think he meant it as avoiding sex with you.

 

About the "other women" problem:

Just because he is married to you doesn't mean that he doesn't find other women sexy. It's just like how a priest can't entirely stop thinking about sex and pleasure. He made a vow to only be with you, and that is what he keeps. He may find other women sexy, or even possibly more sexy than you, but there are many other factors that made him choose to be with you. He loves you and not them. Be happy.

[a4a]

I only read part of the posts..... but sometimes masturbation is better than sex, no pressure to please your partner.... just go n' get er done.

 

a4a- with sudden urge to get er done!

[tweldy]

Re:

I personally don't know anyone who's in a sexually compatible relationship Why indeed is life like that? It's not fair.

 

Amen.

 

 

WARNING - gets explicit as tastefully as I could.

 

On that note:

hadenuff

I'm hearing your frustration and understanding how you feel about wanting more sexual time with your partner than your partner is able to give.

 

Sometimes when men have some level of erectile dyfunction - that is, they can get an erection, just not as often as they'd like, its actually easier for them to maintain an erection while masturbating than maintaining an erection during sex. Why? I don't know, I've not had this issue, but I've known guys that have. So he may be embarrassed about masturbating in front of you so he uses the TV.

 

One possible solution may be to masturbate with him. This can be very sexy and a lot of fun for both of you - knowing that each of you is having a good time without having to worry about pleasing the other - no performance anxity. You could rent a sexy movie - not an ikcy extreme porno, but maybe a really steamy "R" rated hollywood movie or an unrated euro flick. Maybe if he's not up to it (pun not intended) you could have him help you out a little. He might feel good knowing that you can have fun together without him necessarily having to perform.

 

Stress is the great sex drive killer, as you likely well know. Is your husband's job hard on him? Its possible that by finding a lower pressure job he may feel a lot sexier.

 

Also, does you husband get regular exercise? If he is not getting enough exercise, or no exercise, hitting the gym and lifting some weights or running or whatever works for him may also make a huge difference. Be careful about bicycle riding - improper seats can harm sexual function.

 

One last note: fantasy is exactly that. If your husband has always been faithful to you don't worry that he gets off seeing a naked woman on TV. Most men are infinitely curious about women's bodies. The novelty of seeing another woman naked often is erotic purely because its someone he hasn't seen before. The novelty effect has nothing to do with how attractive you are to him vs. another woman. Think of it like this: "Dude, a naked chick. Killer." That's the total depth of thought process we're talkin' about here. Nothing more.

[whichwayisup]

I just can't understand tho how/why he'd waste his time wanking himself off in the wee hours of the night when I'm so willing to please him...any time. Do you think I should discuss this point with him? If so, how would you suggest I broach the topic without putting him on the spot?

But his masterbation has nothing to do with you. And I mean that in a good way.

 

Most men beat off no matter HOW much sex they get or don't get. It just is something men do. It gets hard, they play with it. It's almost instinct! It doesn't mean he loves you any less, or that he doesn't find you attractive. HE does!! He just masterbates because he can. The more of a big deal you make it to be, the worse you are going to feel...About you. I wish you didn't feel so insecure about it and feel that he doesn't love you or find you sexually attractive.

 

Last week my husband and I had sex one night. The next morning he jerked off. How do I know this? Cuz I was up earlier than him and later in the day I was emptying the trash cans in upstairs, and in the bedroom can I found crispy kleenex's. (Not ones from the night before...) So, I could have reacted two ways. Take it personally and get upset that he jerked off after a wonderful night of sex - Or just figure he needed to masterbate, no big deal.

 

In your case, seeing him do it while watching tv upset you. Why not next time masterbate with him, or just sit and watch him - Tell him that turns you on to see him turned on.

[cal gal]

I agree with WWIU-

 

Even when my xh and I had sex every day or even twice a day - he still loved to get off when he took a shower....

 

I was never feeling threatened or mad by this, it is just what men like to do. Accept it.... find a way to include yourself to make it more fun for him

 

1. you just watching

2. you going at yourself at the same time

3. asking him to aim at you to make it like a game (participation)

4. give him a lap dance to get him started and let him do the rest

 

Oh Yah,

 

It doesn't hurt to tell a man how amazing his goods are as you participate. If you ARE involved and can make it fun for him, then no guilt on his part, and satisfaction on your part that you participated and watched him have fun!

 

For goodness sake the last thing you want him to feel is guilt for a very instinctual process. Make it fun - you will soon figure out a bunch of ways to "play"

[hadenuff]

It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship when the sex drives don't match up. Neither person will get exactly what they want which can lead to hard feelings. Though I don't share your position on porn and masterbating, I do understand your feelings of "I was available, why didn't he come to me?"

 

In that situation I think I would have snuck down and given him a "helping hand." It's a gentle way of letting him know that if he desires pleasure you would be more than happy to help him.

 

It is entirely possible that he went to the TV with no intentions of masterbating but upon seeing some soft porn he figured "why not?" I don't think he meant it as avoiding sex with you.

 

About the "other women" problem:

Just because he is married to you doesn't mean that he doesn't find other women sexy. It's just like how a priest can't entirely stop thinking about sex and pleasure. He made a vow to only be with you, and that is what he keeps. He may find other women sexy, or even possibly more sexy than you, but there are many other factors that made him choose to be with you. He loves you and not them. Be happy.

 

I guess I should have made my stand on porn clear before I started whining about this. I actually don't have a problem with porn per sey. In fact I've even suggested to the hubby that we watch it together on occasion because I find it so stimulating. He agreed and seemed interested in the idea, but it's gone the way of those condoms we purchased for anal sex...still sitting on the shelf so-to-speak. Maybe I need to be the "aggressor" and just go ahead and rent the damn porn videos or haul out those condoms and say "ok, let's do it"?

 

If our sex life was alot healthier I wouldn't have had a problem with "giving him a hand". I actually thought about it. But my hesitation was a two-fold thing...the hubby's a little on the shy/prudish side when it comes to sex, so I wouldn't feel confident about crashing in on his private party. I didn't exactly feel invited under the circumstances. Secondly, it really put me off in a bad way seeing him get off on the image of that other woman. Made me feel sick really. And it pissed me off. As I already said, sexual infrequency has been an issue in our marriage so it galled me to see him satisfying himself behind my back like I didn't matter.

 

I agree with you that it wasn't necessarily his intention to go watch TV to masterbate. But it still pisses me off. When I asked why he didn't just wake me up if he felt so inclined he couldn't answer.

 

I have no problem with masterbation per sey, but if I'm not getting all I need/want sexually then it's going to be a problem for me if I know he's discharging himself selfishly while I'm not getting any. I couldn't care less if he wanked himself off 3 times a day so long as I was happy/secure with our sex life.

 

Thanks, barfool, for your thoughts on this. I really appreciate your input.

[whichwayisup]

But why is it okay for you to get turned on by porn, and not him alone while he's watching it or something on TV? That's abit unfair isn't it??

 

If it's interferring in your sex life, the masterbation thing, then that IS an issue.

[hadenuff]

I only read part of the posts..... but sometimes masturbation is better than sex, no pressure to please your partner.... just go n' get er done.

 

a4a- with sudden urge to get er done!

 

I actually agree with this, but I can't accept it when I'm not getting what I want/need. I masterbate myself, but I find I do it alot less when we're getting it on together more often. Thing is he's masterbating and it's interfering with the frequency of our being together. I have a problem with that.

[hadenuff]

Re:

I personally don't know anyone who's in a sexually compatible relationship Why indeed is life like that? It's not fair.

 

Amen.

 

 

WARNING - gets explicit as tastefully as I could.

 

On that note:

hadenuff

I'm hearing your frustration and understanding how you feel about wanting more sexual time with your partner than your partner is able to give.

 

Sometimes when men have some level of erectile dyfunction - that is, they can get an erection, just not as often as they'd like, its actually easier for them to maintain an erection while masturbating than maintaining an erection during sex. Why? I don't know, I've not had this issue, but I've known guys that have. So he may be embarrassed about masturbating in front of you so he uses the TV.

 

One possible solution may be to masturbate with him. This can be very sexy and a lot of fun for both of you - knowing that each of you is having a good time without having to worry about pleasing the other - no performance anxity. You could rent a sexy movie - not an ikcy extreme porno, but maybe a really steamy "R" rated hollywood movie or an unrated euro flick. Maybe if he's not up to it (pun not intended) you could have him help you out a little. He might feel good knowing that you can have fun together without him necessarily having to perform.

 

Stress is the great sex drive killer, as you likely well know. Is your husband's job hard on him? Its possible that by finding a lower pressure job he may feel a lot sexier.

 

Also, does you husband get regular exercise? If he is not getting enough exercise, or no exercise, hitting the gym and lifting some weights or running or whatever works for him may also make a huge difference. Be careful about bicycle riding - improper seats can harm sexual function.

 

One last note: fantasy is exactly that. If your husband has always been faithful to you don't worry that he gets off seeing a naked woman on TV. Most men are infinitely curious about women's bodies. The novelty of seeing another woman naked often is erotic purely because its someone he hasn't seen before. The novelty effect has nothing to do with how attractive you are to him vs. another woman. Think of it like this: "Dude, a naked chick. Killer." That's the total depth of thought process we're talkin' about here. Nothing more.

 

Thanks, tweldy. I don't think the hubby is having problems getting or maintaining an errection. At least everything seems to be in perfect working order every time we're together. I've even initiated sex two nights in a row and there didn't appear to be any problems with that. I'll see if I can persuade him to include me in on some of his solo missions. I even toyed around with the idea of letting him take some digital pics of me that he can print out for his own use to masterbate with. That'll take care of the "other woman" syndrome for me. The first couple of years we were married he took polaroid shots of me that I destroyed before we relocated some 1300 miles due to my fear that they might end up in the wrong hands. It never came up again and got left at that.

 

My husband does have an extremely stressful job, but there's no chance in hell he'd change anything at this point. He'll be ready to retire in just less than 10 years and the salary/perks are too good to give up at this phase in his life. He's been with the company for almost 20 years now and plans on retiring with them. As for exercise...that's like sex. He gets into it for awhile and then slacks off. I noticed last fall when he went for frequent walks in the evenings and used my stepping machine that he seemed alot less tired and stressed and even in a better mood for it. He noticed it, too, but he just seems to end up bored with whatever he's undertaken and gives up on it. Short of me harping at him about he won't stick with it. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I nitter-natter at him to keep exercising or make more sexual demands, that's not going to help matters either. After almost 30 years of being together I feel like I've tried almost everything to entice him to look after himself better...and pay more attention to our sex life. Now I feel like slapping him.

[cal gal]

That'll take care of the "other woman" syndrome for me. /QUOTE]

 

 

I can't even imagine being this insecure! My God - no wonder he wants pleasure without you around.....

[hadenuff]

But why is it okay for you to get turned on by porn, and not him alone while he's watching it or something on TV? That's abit unfair isn't it??

 

If it's interferring in your sex life, the masterbation thing, then that IS an issue.

 

I think you've misunderstood me. I didn't say that it's ok for me to get turned on by porn...but not the hubby. What I have a problem with specifically is that I'm not getting enough sex from him to justify, in my mind, his wanking himself off to the image of other women when I want more sex. I just don't think he can fairly justify wanking himself off to porn when I'm not getting any...or enough. That's unfair.

 

Imo if he's got a low sex drive and he's wanking himself off...then yes, that's going to interfere with our sex life. He's giving what little he has to give...to himself. And that ain't fair either.

 

He can wank himself off whenever and however he likes so long as I'm getting f****d when I need/want it. Otherwise I think he's being selfish. We only have sex about once a week. I don't think he can justify excluding me at that rate. Nor do I think should I have to put up with it.

[whichwayisup]

Yup. I agree with you. He should use his tool in you right now, not in his hand! (sorry, lol, that just popped into my head!!)

 

Obviously stress is getting to him and he's closed down emotionally abit. That is my guess on why he's masterbating and not having sex. Or he's depressed and not feeling good about himself.

[hadenuff]

That'll take care of the "other woman" syndrome for me. /QUOTE]

 

 

I can't even imagine being this insecure! My God - no wonder he wants pleasure without you around.....

 

I'm happy for you that you can't imagine what that's like. But that's what happens when you have a partner with a low sex drive who's never put you on a sexual pedestal. I didn't always feel this way. It took years of conditioning to come to this and I can only do so much to make myself feel better about it. You're simply not qualified to make such a derogatory remark. In fact if you don't have anything helpful to add then just butt out.

[cal gal]

I think you've misunderstood me. I didn't say that it's ok for me to get turned on by porn...but not the hubby. What I have a problem with specifically is that I'm not getting enough sex from him to justify, in my mind, his wanking himself off to the image of other women when I want more sex. I just don't think he can fairly justify wanking himself off to porn when I'm not getting any...or enough. That's unfair.

 

Imo if he's got a low sex drive and he's wanking himself off...then yes, that's going to interfere with our sex life. He's giving what little he has to give...to himself. And that ain't fair either.

 

He can wank himself off whenever and however he likes so long as I'm getting f****d when I need/want it. Otherwise I think he's being selfish. We only have sex about once a week. I don't think he can justify excluding me at that rate. Nor do I think should I have to put up with it.

 

Sounds like two very selfish people put together and expecting them to get along, good luck - you will need it with that attitude! No wonder he doesn't want your selfish a$$.....

[hadenuff]

Yup. I agree with you. He should use his tool in you right now, not in his hand! (sorry, lol, that just popped into my head!!)

 

Obviously stress is getting to him and he's closed down emotionally abit. That is my guess on why he's masterbating and not having sex. Or he's depressed and not feeling good about himself.

 

LOL Thanks, I could use the laugh. And you're right...he should use it in me right now...and often.

 

I agree with the stress shutting him a bit. I notice the worse things are at the office for him...the less action I see around here.

[whichwayisup]

I guess for a while if you're needing sex, use a vibe. Then when he's ready and feeling better hopefully he'll change his tune. Oh! And when you ARE going to use that vibe, TELL HIM. My guess is, he'll upstairs horny and ready to go.

 

He needs to destress then. Would he consider talking to someone one on one?

[hadenuff]

Sounds like two very selfish people put together and expecting them to get along, good luck - you will need it with that attitude! No wonder he doesn't want your selfish a$$.....

 

This is typical gibberish from someone who doesn't have a clue. Grow up sweetie and when you have 20+ years of a relationship under your garter belt then come back and tell me how it's done. Otherwise you're just not qualified...by the sounds of it. We're not the only couple at this stand-off and if you knew anything about anything...you'd know that.

[hadenuff]

I guess for a while if you're needing sex, use a vibe. Then when he's ready and feeling better hopefully he'll change his tune. Oh! And when you ARE going to use that vibe, TELL HIM. My guess is, he'll upstairs horny and ready to go.

 

He needs to destress then. Would he consider talking to someone one on one?

 

There was a show on TV the other night about "perfect penises" and they talked about couples using strap-ons to spice up their sex lives with. I jokingly asked the hubby if he'd like me to bend him over and penetrate him and he raised his eyebrows and said "that could be interesting". So maybe you're not far off on this vibe thing. I'm thinking maybe I do need to be more assertive about this stuff. He might surprise me.

 

You're right in that he needs someone to talk one on one with. His best friend/boss died about 5 years ago and he hasn't been the same since. I know they used to talk alot and now he doesn't have that outlet.

[whichwayisup]

Good. Then work with that then, see how things go.

 

Talk to him about seeing someone. He suffered a loss and it has affected him more than he'll admit.