My boyfriend broke my trust 4 months ago, and I don't know what rebuilding trust should realistically look like in a long distance relationship.

[TheEmpress07]

Hi! This is my first post, and I’ll try to make it as short as possible, so bear with me!

I’m a 30 y/o female and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together for over 3 years and are currently long distance due to his job, which has been the case for a little over a year.

So about 4 months ago, I found out he had gone to a strip club after checking his location one night while he was out with coworkers. To clarify, I’ve only checked his location a handful of times to make sure he made it home safely. That night was no different. I hadn’t heard from him in 5 hours and he was only supposed to be going to dinner, so I started getting worried.

When I first checked, I didn’t think much of it and assumed he was still at dinner. I checked again an hour later and noticed he was still in the same spot. I had a weird gut feeling, so I ended up Googling the place he was at and lo and behold, it was a strip club. Of course my heart dropped out of my ass at that point.

I took a screenshot to confront him with, but didn’t send it right away. I waited another 2 hours and checked his location 2 more times just to be sure. A total of 3 hours had gone by and he was still there, so I sent him the screenshot.

I couldn’t sleep (it was around 5 AM my time) and I didn’t hear from him for another hour. He called and messaged me a couple of times, but I ended up not answering because it was late and I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him. When I woke up I had messages from him apologizing right away, saying he knew he f***ed up and explaining what happened.

Basically, he told me he went to dinner with his coworkers and ended up drinking. He was too drunk to drive, so one of his coworkers offered to let him crash at his place for a bit. A couple of hours later, he felt okay to drive and his coworker walked him to his car which was parked near the club. Apparently the coworker “convinced” him to go inside and grab a few more drinks. My boyfriend agreed and justified it to himself by saying he was only going in for drinks. This made absolutely no sense to me because he had just sobered up enough to drive, only to go drinking again?

Something else worth noting is that throughout our entire 3 year relationship, he has always told me he would never go to a strip club because he thought they were gross. This has also always been a boundary of mine.

At first he told me he was there for about an hour and had a beer. Then it turned into 2 beers and a shot, and he was actually there for at least 3 hours based on what I know. He swears he didn’t get a dance or even look at anyone, but I don’t believe him at this point. I’m not stupid, and I know he wasn’t just twiddling his thumbs the entire time he was there.

He also tells me that he was always going to tell me and wasn’t planning on keeping it from me, but I’ll never really know that for sure now and I don’t trust him.

The reason I stayed is because he didn’t deny what happened and I didn’t want to throw away 3 years if he truly hadn’t done anything beyond being there. What made this even harder was that this happened just one week after we celebrated our 3 year anniversary.

I spent over a month making him a little pocket scrapbook of us, while he didn’t do anything for me until after the fact. He eventually bought me flowers, but by then I was so hurt and upset about what happened that I couldn’t even feel appreciative or happy about them. I don’t expect him to buy me anything, but a letter or card on the actual day would have been nice. Just some consideration and acknowledgment.

Two weeks after the incident, he came to visit me so we could figure things out. However, we didn’t really talk about what happened in depth. I was all over the place emotionally, feeling sad but also trying to make the most of the time we had together since it had already been 5 months since we’d last seen each other. I felt like I had to put my feelings aside in a way.

One day while he was visiting, he had to call work about something. He was talking to a coworker for a bit and then while still on the phone, asked me if it was okay if he went to the movies with them when he got back. I was put on the spot and felt like I couldn’t say no without sounding controlling, so I said yes.

He ended up going when he got back home. He did communicate with me more while he was out, but afterward I told him I had felt anxious and uncomfortable about him going out, especially with coworkers given what had just happened.

He said he understood but later that week, he asked again if it was okay for him to go to dinner with a group of coworkers. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, but I wasn’t going to tell him what to do. He ended up going anyway.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. He asked if it was okay to go to a potluck at a coworker’s house. I told him again that I didn’t want to tell him what to do, and that I didn’t think it was fair for him to keep asking me for permission when he already knew how I felt. I explained that I was still anxious and uncomfortable, but that he could make his own choices. He went anyway.

That night I didn’t hear from him for over 7 hours. He told me I had his location, but I don’t want to have to keep checking it to know what he’s doing or whether he’s okay.

We argued about it and he apologized saying he wouldn’t go out anymore. But I don’t want him to stop living his life either. That’s not what I’m asking for and I don’t want to feel like I have to police him. So either way, I feel like I can’t win.

I’m having a really hard time moving past this and trusting him again. Being long distance makes everything a thousand times harder and I feel like we’re stuck in this cycle where I’m anxious, he’s frustrated and neither of us knows how to move forward.

I guess I’m looking for advice or outside perspectives on what to do and what the best course of action would be given our circumstances.

 

Thank you in advance, and sorry for the long post!

 

TLDR: My boyfriend of 3 years broke a boundary by going to a strip club and wasn't initially honest about the details. Four months later I'm still struggling with trust, especially because we're long distance. He's continued going out with coworkers despite knowing how anxious it makes me feel. I don't want to control his social life, but I also don't feel he's doing enough to rebuild the trust he broke. What would reasonable accountability and trust rebuilding look like in this situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, TheEmpress07 said:

he has always told me he would never go to a strip club because he thought they were gross. This has also always been a boundary of mine

How many times has this come up before? 

4 hours ago, TheEmpress07 said:

He swears he didn’t get a dance or even look at anyone, but I don’t believe him at this point. I’m not stupid, and I know he wasn’t just twiddling his thumbs the entire time he was there.

I'm glad you don't believe this because it is obviously not true. Of course he looked. At the end of the day, he woudln't have gone and stay for a few hours if he hadn't wanted to. He might not be a regular visitor or big fan of strips clubs, but he clearly doesn't find them "gross." It's up to you to decide if his very presence there is a dealbreaker. 

But my sense is that this is not only about strip clubs. I also get the impression you don't feel that valued by him in general: 

4 hours ago, TheEmpress07 said:

I spent over a month making him a little pocket scrapbook of us, while he didn’t do anything for me until after the fact. He eventually bought me flowers, but by then I was so hurt and upset about what happened that I couldn’t even feel appreciative or happy about them. I don’t expect him to buy me anything, but a letter or card on the actual day would have been nice. Just some consideration and acknowledgment.

So there are two issues at work here: the breach of trust and not feeling as important as you once did. 

However, I don't really get why you are against him hanging out with coworkers at all. Being upset about him going to a movie or potluck doesn't really make much sense to me. He was a big boy who made his own choice that night to visit the strippers. They didn't con him into it and he could still say no again. I highly doubt every outing with every coworker would end in the strip club anyway. 

4 hours ago, TheEmpress07 said:

We argued about it and he apologized saying he wouldn’t go out anymore. But I don’t want him to stop living his life either. That’s not what I’m asking for and I don’t want to feel like I have to police him

You're leaning towards that, though. What is you are asking for, at this point? Would you prefer he not spend time with any coworkers, or? Him asking you for permission to do things is not healthy either. That turns it into a parent-child dynamic which will kill a relationship very fast. 

I think you need to get clear with yourself what you want and expect of him, and communicate that to him. He may or may not agree to it. I think you two also need to have an honest, calm conversation on the future of the relationship in general. My read on it is that this incident with the strip club is actually a symptom of a bigger problem, which is that you two may be drifting apart. 

[BlueberryPie]

I think he's showing more than one change in behavior that indicates he is changing from the way he's been with you in the past. (The strip club incident and the repeated, strong interest in going out with his co-workers in general).

Lying is obviously not fair. It also creates an additional hurdle to get past in trying to work it out. But it's also common when someone is torn between the old way they used to be content with and the new way they're drawn to now, and trying to navigate that messy transition.

What I see is him doing that, while you want to remain how you were, intimate and romantic, you and him together and the rest of the world at more of a distance. 

I'm wondering when this change in him started or if there's always been a push-pull between you, with you wanting to rein him in more and him wanting more freedom. For ex. you were tracking his location in the first place, which people will usually give some rational sounding excuse for. But yeah, it seems a bit much.

Anyway, what we don't know is what's behind this change of him wanting to branch out more in ways that don't include you. Is it just temporary boredom because he's away from you most of the time right now? Does he have somebody else on the side? Does he want to break up with you? Or is he starting to feel suffocated and bored with your relationship as it is but still open to a slightly adjusted relationship with you? 

If it would be required, can your relationship adjust to better fit with his changing needs or do you require someone who is more into you only, with the rest of the world kept out the outskirts? 

I think an honest discussion might help, not focused on what he did wrong, but about what both of you truly want. The easiest way may be to just ask him but then you'd have to be prepared to hear his answer.

Could your relationship adjust to the greater freedom or larger social world he seems to crave? Can you go out in a group with him and some friends you have in common, or try things to try together, possibly some of them at least a bit wild or different? Can you be more independent of him and cultivate a new interest or friendships that don't include him so the relationship won't be what he might consider claustrophobic?

Just my thoughts. Good luck with it.

 

 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

There are only two choices here: 

1) You fully forgive his lie and his visit to a strip club (of course he did look at the strippers) and stop worrying about him going out or trying to control his social life.

2) You feel that the trust has been breached irrevocably and break up with him.