Can trust be rebuilt after not being honest with your partner [M33]?

[Hurt_lover90]

My boyfriend (33) and I (m, 35) were together for about a year. A few days ago, he ended the relationship because he feels he can no longer trust me.

I want to be clear: I never cheated on him or was unfaithful. However, I wasn't always honest about my professional situation.

When we first met, things at my workplace were already uncertain. A few months later, I was laid off due to restructuring. I felt deeply ashamed and didn't tell him. Instead, I kept up the appearance that everything was fine. I eventually told him in September, but even then I wasn't completely honest about how long I had known that losing my job was a possibility.

Part of the reason was financial insecurity. My boyfriend loves travelling and had planned several trips together. Although I was struggling financially, I went along with these plans, using my savings and investments to pay for them. I wanted to make him happy and felt I had to be the reliable, financially secure partner.

There is some additional context to our relationship. My boyfriend has experienced difficult things in his childhood, which still affect him. He sometimes struggles with alcohol, and when drunk, he can become verbally hurtful. We had several difficult situations related to this. I supported him in seeking professional help and accompanied him to his first therapy appointment. I was the very first person to be told some of his childhood traumas not even his parents knew about. He later told me that this hurt the most, that he was so open, while I did not reveal everything about me. 

I'm not mentioning this to blame him or excuse my own behaviour. We had a loving relationship, but also some difficult dynamics. I always tried to be there for him, giving him comfort when needed. I desperately wanted him to feel safe with me and this is what hurst massively, that I failed so spectacularly. He placed great importance on transparency. 

Looking back, I suspect my dishonesty has a lot to do with my own self-esteem issues. Growing up, I often felt that I wasn't good enough, and I think I developed a tendency to hide things whenever I felt ashamed or inadequate. I know this is unhealthy, and I'm currently looking for a therapist to work on these patterns.

The final breaking point came last Wednesday. We were supposed to book flights to his home country in Latin America for Christmas. When I saw the prices, I hesitated and suggested that he book his ticket first while I booked mine a few days later, as I wanted to manage my finances carefully.

He interpreted this as indecisiveness. A few days later, when I called him because our communication had become increasingly distant, he told me he wanted to end the relationship.

I was devastated. I wrote him a letter in which I finally came completely clean about everything. We met on Sunday, and he told me that I had seriously damaged his trust, that he couldn't believe anything I said anymore, and that the relationship was over.

I know I have to take responsibility for my dishonesty. I understand why he feels betrayed, and I deeply regret how I handled things.

At the same time, I still love him very much. Our relationship was genuinely loving, and I'm struggling to accept that it might be over. I really, really tried to be a good partner. 

I'd really appreciate some honest outside perspective. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Hurt_lover90 said:

The final breaking point came last Wednesday. We were supposed to book flights to his home country in Latin America for Christmas. When I saw the prices, I hesitated and suggested that he book his ticket first while I booked mine a few days later, as I wanted to manage my finances carefully.

He interpreted this as indecisiveness. A few days later, when I called him because our communication had become increasingly distant, he told me he wanted to end the relationship.

Intimacyimprovement guide

 

I was devastated. I wrote him a letter in which I finally came completely clean about everything. We met on Sunday, and he told me that I had seriously damaged his trust, that he couldn't believe anything I said anymore, and that the relationship was over.

While I agree it was wrong for you to lie about your financial stability, I'm not convinced that your perception of how things played out at the end is 100% accurate.

Look, this guy was ready to dump you because you hesitated about buying the tickets. At that point, he knew nothing about your financial status. It didn't occur to him that there might be a valid reason for your hesitation. He just made a negative assumption. And having made that assumption, he decided to end the relationship. Is that how things normally play out in your relationship, i.e., is he always ready to assume the worst?

And then once you revealed the truth of your situation, instead of being relieved that you weren't hesitant about traveling home with him after all, he grabbed onto another reason to dump you.

I'm gonna take a guess here and say it sounds like you're kind of scared of this guy and walk on eggshells around him. Maybe he gets angry easily. Maybe you often have to bend over backwards to prove you love him. But it's obvious you don't feel emotionally safe with him. You clearly don't trust him. And instead of being apologetic about that, perhaps you need to examine the dynamics of your relationship. Perhaps you two really shouldn't be together and it's for the best that the relationship is ending. Maybe you'd one day be better off with someone you felt comfortable being vulnerable with.

Edited Wednesday at 02:02 PM by Acacia98

[Hurt_lover90]

49 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

While I agree it was wrong for you to lie about your financial stability, I'm not convinced that your perception of how things played out at the end is 100% accurate.

Look, this guy was ready to dump you because you hesitated about buying the tickets. At that point, he knew nothing about your financial status. It didn't occur to him that there might be a valid reason for your hesitation. He just made a negative assumption. And having made that assumption, he decided to end the relationship. Is that how things normally play out in your relationship, i.e., is he always ready to assume the worst?

And then once you revealed the truth of your situation, instead of being relieved that you weren't hesitant about traveling home with him after all, he grabbed onto another reason to dump you.

I'm gonna take a guess here and say it sounds like you're kind of scared of this guy and walk on eggshells around him. Maybe he gets angry easily. Maybe you often have to bend over backwards to prove you love him. But it's obvious you don't feel emotionally safe with him. You clearly don't trust him. And instead of being apologetic about that, perhaps you need to examine the dynamics of your relationship. Perhaps you two really shouldn't be together and it's for the best that the relationship is ending. Maybe you'd one day be better off with someone you felt comfortable being vulnerable with.

Thank you for your nice words. I don't think that he looked for reasons to dumb me. I think he was genuinely in love with me. 

[ShyViolet]

You had a habit of lying in this relationship about some pretty important things, and that's not ok.  That's why he dumped you.  He's not ok with someone who lies, and that's very understandable.  This situation is pretty simple.  Learn from this and don't do this in future relationships.  I'm not sure exactly what your question is?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Hurt_lover90 said:

I wrote him a letter in which I finally came completely clean about everything. We met on Sunday, and he told me that I had seriously damaged his trust, that he couldn't believe anything I said anymore, and that the relationship was over.

Wait a minute. 

Hadn't he already told you he wanted to end the relationship before you came clean about the reason you hadn't booked your tickets yet? 

He first dumped you for being "indecisive" about buying a plane ticket. Then you told him everything about work. Then he said the above. 

Finding out you hadn't been honest about your job situation sealed the deal, of course, but he had already dumped you before that. This guy was trying to punish you for not having bought a plane ticket yet, if I understanding the chain of events here. He didn't know about your work situation until after. 

How often had you found yourself walking on eggshells arond him in the past? 

8 hours ago, Hurt_lover90 said:

He sometimes struggles with alcohol, and when drunk, he can become verbally hurtful. We had several difficult situations related to this.

Such as? 

[BlueberryPie]

My husband and I both had our share of problems along these lines when we met, many moons ago. The way it was described to me later was that we were drawn to each other because "our damages met." Which was not very flattering but I think it was true.

Women who are strong within themselves will meet a guy with abusive alcoholic traits, think "Yuck!" and run away. Women who haven't done the work on themselves (but need to) are the "rescuers," more interested in fixing him than fixing themselves.

So, I think I recognize this dynamic and it's not good. Whether you get back with him or not, I highly recommend therapy or Al-anon or both. Either he'll follow your lead or you'll eventually no longer find problem males appealing. Good luck to you, dear.

 

 

 

 

[Hurt_lover90]

20 hours ago, BlueberryPie said:

My husband and I both had our share of problems along these lines when we met, many moons ago. The way it was described to me later was that we were drawn to each other because "our damages met." Which was not very flattering but I think it was true.

Women who are strong within themselves will meet a guy with abusive alcoholic traits, think "Yuck!" and run away. Women who haven't done the work on themselves (but need to) are the "rescuers," more interested in fixing him than fixing themselves.

So, I think I recognize this dynamic and it's not good. Whether you get back with him or not, I highly recommend therapy or Al-anon or both. Either he'll follow your lead or you'll eventually no longer find problem males appealing. Good luck to you, dear.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. 

Actually, I do not find problem males appealing. But I recognized his vulnerability and decided that I have a responsibility towards him. We both made mistakes, I guess.

[Hurt_lover90]

23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait a minute. 

Hadn't he already told you he wanted to end the relationship before you came clean about the reason you hadn't booked your tickets yet? 

He first dumped you for being "indecisive" about buying a plane ticket. Then you told him everything about work. Then he said the above. 

Finding out you hadn't been honest about your job situation sealed the deal, of course, but he had already dumped you before that. This guy was trying to punish you for not having bought a plane ticket yet, if I understanding the chain of events here. He didn't know about your work situation until after. 

How often had you found yourself walking on eggshells arond him in the past? 

Such as? 

Yes, he had already told me. It was strange how he did it. Simply leaving my apartment keys in my drawer without saying anything. 

But I don't want to blame him. He reacted emotionally he was disappointed probably.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Hurt_lover90 said:

Yes, he had already told me. It was strange how he did it. Simply leaving my apartment keys in my drawer without saying anything. 

He did this before he found out about your work situation, you mean? 

[Hurt_lover90]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He did this before he found out about your work situation, you mean? 

Yes, exactly

[Alpacalia]

You seem to be taking almost all the responsibility for the relationship falling apart. I don't think that's entirely fair.

You made a mistake, and you need to work on why shame makes you hide difficult truths.

But you also describe a relationship in which you were supporting someone through significant emotional difficulties, helping him access therapy and trying to make him feel safe, while struggling to reveal your own vulnerabilities.

Where was the space for you to be the one who wasn't okay?

You shouldn't have to be the financially secure one, the emotionally strong one, the understanding one and the person who always makes everything work.

My conclusion: You were wrong to be dishonest, but you are not a bad partner simply because you struggled with shame and insecurity. He was right to feel betrayed, but his pain doesn't make his own behaviour beyond criticism.

And I would strongly advise you not to spend the coming months trying to convince him that you're worthy of another chance.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Hurt_lover90 said:

Yes, exactly

So because you didn't buy your plane ticket right away, he opted to end the relationship without even speaking to you. 

Something tells me you spent a lot of time tiptoeing around him and placating him, and making up excuses for his bad behaviour. I don't condone you being dishonest about your work issues, but it is also clear that there were plenty of problems before that and unrelated to that. 

Your perception of what actually ended the relationship seems to be very clouded here. 

[Hurt_lover90]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You seem to be taking almost all the responsibility for the relationship falling apart. I don't think that's entirely fair.

You made a mistake, and you need to work on why shame makes you hide difficult truths.

But you also describe a relationship in which you were supporting someone through significant emotional difficulties, helping him access therapy and trying to make him feel safe, while struggling to reveal your own vulnerabilities.

WriteLove Letters

 

Where was the space for you to be the one who wasn't okay?

You shouldn't have to be the financially secure one, the emotionally strong one, the understanding one and the person who always makes everything work.

My conclusion: You were wrong to be dishonest, but you are not a bad partner simply because you struggled with shame and insecurity. He was right to feel betrayed, but his pain doesn't make his own behaviour beyond criticism.

And I would strongly advise you not to spend the coming months trying to convince him that you're worthy of another chance.

Thank you! Actually my family tells me that it was not my fault alone. Hard time to believe it actually.

Yes, even before our split things were not always easy. The thing is: I wanted to feel him safe and supported. And I feel as having failed completely in that regard.

Edited 4 hours ago by Hurt_lover90

[Hurt_lover90]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So because you didn't buy your plane ticket right away, he opted to end the relationship without even speaking to you. 

Something tells me you spent a lot of time tiptoeing around him and placating him, and making up excuses for his bad behaviour. I don't condone you being dishonest about your work issues, but it is also clear that there were plenty of problems before that and unrelated to that. 

Your perception of what actually ended the relationship seems to be very clouded here. 

We had a lot of discussions. One of them was around the topic of vacations. At the beginning, when we began to date, he told me he likes to travel. I do as well. But for me, traveling a lot is having maybe 2--3 trips/year. I am also fine with one trip, if this trip is simply outstanding. He wanted to travel much more frequently, and told me I was a difficult person for hesitating or not stating where I would stand in this. I know; should have been much more open. For me, this was also a financial issue. 

I still remember our trip to Sicily in May. For my boyfriend, vacation meant to not having to cook at all. He did not even want to make his own breakfast, but visiting a café for this purpose. The thing is, during trips, going to restaurants is one of the most expensive cost items in a travel budget. I did not even go to restaurants all the time in financially secure times on vacations. So I am a big fan of AirBnB's, where you have the possibility of preparing meals in your own kitchen (which I also like, cooking with local food staples). The Sicilian AirBnB I had booked was beautiful, but he told me he had preferred a hotel. 

Idk, why I write this, it is also that he was very rigorous at times.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Hurt_lover90 said:

 The thing is: I wanted to feel him safe and supported. And I feel as having failed completely in that regard.

Did you feel safe and supported in return? 

The impression I am geting is that you were somewhat of a doormat to him.