Complicated scenario involving another man

[prariedawg14]

I've been married for a year and a half, a few months ago I was inappropriately touched by a staff worker in my apartment. The thing is that I was previously attracted to him. I would purposely walk past him, wear revealing clothing around him, etc. One day when he came to work in my apartment he grabbed my hips and kissed my neck. I froze during the encounter but i also enjoyed the sensation. I feel conflicted about it. I told my husband a week and a half later. He reported it to property management, they did an investigation, he denied the claim, and he still works here. He's supposed to stay away from me. My husband does not want him around. I know it's wrong but I still want to talk to him. It's been several months and I think about him quite often. My husband would be furious if he knew what was on my mind. I don't know if the worker would even want to talk to me now. Should I try reaching out to him through a handwritten letter?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, prariedawg14 said:

Should I try reaching out to him through a handwritten letter?

Only if you want that letter to be passed around to whomever he feels like showing off to or to send a copy to your husband. 

Seriously, it's a terrible idea. I don't understand your thinking on that one. 

1 hour ago, prariedawg14 said:

My husband would be furious if he knew what was on my mind. I don't know if the worker would even want to talk to me now.

What's going on in your marriage that you were seeking this man's attention to begin with? You are worried about the wrong things here. 

[prariedawg14]

 

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Only if you want that letter to be passed around to whomever he feels like showing off to or to send a copy to your husband. 

Seriously, it's a terrible idea. I don't understand your thinking on that one. 

What's going on in your marriage that you were seeking this man's attention to begin with? You are worried about the wrong things here. 

I don't have another way to get in touch with him and I'm not going to go up to him in person. I thought a letter would be the most practical way. It was all just a fantasy until he took it too far.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, prariedawg14 said:

 

I don't have another way to get in touch with him and I'm not going to go up to him in person. 

It doesn't matter. He can still show the letter to whomever he wants; it would be incredibly foolish. 

You should not be contacting him by any means at all. Why are you trying to start an affair? 

[flitzanu]

so you reported this guy for sexually assaulting you, and now you want to write him a letter so you can have an affair with him?

[prariedawg14]

36 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

so you reported this guy for sexually assaulting you, and now you want to write him a letter so you can have an affair with him?

I told my husband. My husband reported him to his job, the police never got involved. I want to write him a letter saying I didn't turn against him and I have no hard feelings

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, prariedawg14 said:

I want to write him a letter saying I didn't turn against him and I have no hard feelings

Don't. 

Leave him alone, and focus on the problems in your marriage. If you want to be divorced, put on your Big Girl Pants and tell your husband that. 

[BlueberryPie]

If you go looking for trouble, you will find it.

Assuming this is a genuine post, let's break this down and do a quick analysis of it. You:

1) Made sexual overtures to a male apartment worker.

*need for cheap attention* 

*infidelity*

*disrespect of husband*

2) When the apartment worker responded, without your husband even knowing anything about it, you took it upon yourself to lie to him about what went on, telling him the apartment worker came on to you out of the blue.

*need for cheap attention*

*dishonesty*

*manipulation*

*disrespect of husband and apartment worker*

3) Your husband then reported the apartment worker to his supervisor.

*need for cheap attention*

*disrespecting husband to others*

*unfairly put apartment worker's job at risk.*

4) Now, though apartment worker's job will be at risk again if he has any further contact with you, your focus is not showing any remorse for how you've treated both of these guys but only on how you can contact the apartment worker again, to tell him that YOU don't have any hard feelings?! 

*need for cheap attention*

*plus some or all of the above, all over again*

There's plenty of nasty behavior to choose from here but the common denominator I see is "need for cheap attention."

My advice is:

To delve into why you'd feel the need for this, possibly in therapy. What is really going on here?

And to keep in mind that this is also the kind of thing that can spiral out of control. People lose their jobs, get divorced, get violent. Also known as "playing with fire."

And to raise your sights and hold yourself to higher standards. Decide to go through life as someone who is looked up to, not a trifling little game player, and act accordingly. There are endless worthy, intelligent pursuits that you could turn your attention to. This is not one of them.

 

[prariedawg14]

2 hours ago, BlueberryPie said:

If you go looking for trouble, you will find it.

Assuming this is a genuine post, let's break this down and do a quick analysis of it. You:

1) Made sexual overtures to a male apartment worker.

*need for cheap attention* 

*infidelity*

*disrespect of husband*

2) When the apartment worker responded, without your husband even knowing anything about it, you took it upon yourself to lie to him about what went on, telling him the apartment worker came on to you out of the blue.

*need for cheap attention*

*dishonesty*

*manipulation*

*disrespect of husband and apartment worker*

3) Your husband then reported the apartment worker to his supervisor.

*need for cheap attention*

*disrespecting husband to others*

*unfairly put apartment worker's job at risk.*

4) Now, though apartment worker's job will be at risk again if he has any further contact with you, your focus is not showing any remorse for how you've treated both of these guys but only on how you can contact the apartment worker again, to tell him that YOU don't have any hard feelings?! 

*need for cheap attention*

*plus some or all of the above, all over again*

There's plenty of nasty behavior to choose from here but the common denominator I see is "need for cheap attention."

My advice is:

Relationshipadvice service

 

To delve into why you'd feel the need for this, possibly in therapy. What is really going on here?

And to keep in mind that this is also the kind of thing that can spiral out of control. People lose their jobs, get divorced, get violent. Also known as "playing with fire."

And to raise your sights and hold yourself to higher standards. Decide to go through life as someone who is looked up to, not a trifling little game player, and act accordingly. There are endless worthy, intelligent pursuits that you could turn your attention to. This is not one of them.

 

Showing a little skin is not cheating. When I told my husband I might've left a few parts out but I told him the story of what happened. I didn't say it was random. I don't see how I disrespected the worker in any way when he clearly disrespected me. Not only did he know beforehand that I was married, he knows my husband. Things ended abruptly between us. Once I told my husband and reported him I couldn't talk to him anymore so I assume he hates me. I love my husband and I never said anything about wanting to leave my husband, my marriage is fine. I can't help the attraction I have for this other man and when he kissed me it made my feelings much more complicated. I want to stop thinking about him but can't and feel inclined to write this letter but it doesn't seem like a good idea now.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, prariedawg14 said:

Showing a little skin is not cheating.

Showing a little skin on purpose to urge another man make a sexually charged act and then enjoy that act definitely feels like cheating.

 

1 hour ago, prariedawg14 said:

I don't see how I disrespected the worker in any way when he clearly disrespected me.

In an affair, the married person is always much more guilty than the unmarried one. Also, you started the whole thing by clearly showing him you were attracted to him.

 

1 hour ago, prariedawg14 said:

my marriage is fine.

1 hour ago, prariedawg14 said:

I can't help the attraction I have for this other man and when he kissed me it made my feelings much more complicated. I want to stop thinking about him but can't

There is an obvious contradiction between those two statements.

[prariedawg14]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Showing a little skin on purpose to urge another man make a sexually charged act and then enjoy that act definitely feels like cheating.

 

In an affair, the married person is always much more guilty than the unmarried one. Also, you started the whole thing by clearly showing him you were attracted to him.

 

There is an obvious contradiction between those two statements.

Its not an affair. I enjoyed some of the attention he was giving me but the kiss was too far and I told him to stop. He knew that he made me uncomfortable. It was his decision to do it so I don't see how I'm guilty. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, prariedawg14 said:

so I don't see how I'm guilty. 

Tell your husband absolutely everything about your role in this, and your intention to write this man a letter. 

You might start getting it then. 

Edited 6 hours ago by ExpatInItaly