Am I being manipulative?

[Anxiouswreck73]

I have been the third person for 2 years following an over 20 years friendship. He has been married for 16 years. There have been many highs and lows and moments of doubt but I’ve always thought our friendship was very solid. He has always come back after periods of self-loathing (he’s religious). He has been there (with all control over communication) being the one keeping in touch when it has been practical for him. I’ve learned to wait and be grateful for his consistency. He’s always said no matter what happens and if the relationship needs to adapt feelings won’t change.
 

Anyway, we had a fallout last weekend as I contacted him on a day where he was working with his wife (so no contact at all under strict boundaries). We’ve had a ‘code message’ I would send if something was needed in an emergency (I’ve never used this before). I’m going through some stuff at home and have issues with my anxiety, I had a panic attack. I sent him the coded message (no actual explanation of what happened) to what he replied ‘I can’t be in touch today, I will try tomorrow, hope your day is going ok?’, I was distress and felt guilty for intruding so I replied a bit bluntly without considering what was going on on his side ‘Not ok (hence message)’ followed by ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have sent anything’. He replied ‘No, not today’, (apparently this triggered him about something in the past with somebody else) the fallout went on from there and the next day there was slight repair by message. Monday morning we talked and he asked for a conversation about what happened to be delayed to another day and I pushed to touch base on it as I had a need due to my anxiety to do some repair (This was wrong of me). He lashed out and went on to tell me about all the things I do that are attention seeking, manipulative, playing games, etc…the conversation ended badly and the next day I tried to repair again by sending a message with a drawing I’ve made thinking of him (this is something we share) followed by saying I wanted to say sorry but not by message. He called but the conversation didn’t go well as he was not prepared for doing any repair. He again pointed out about manipulative behaviour and ‘these things taking too much time he didn’t have, he was finding this very difficult and was very anxious. This shouldn’t be happening in the first place….’ It was all about him and his issues, he never asked about me or anything to do with Saturday. He told me I had to contain my feelings and deal with them and that some of my stuff could be put to rest. Any attempts for me to say something caring, kind, apologies were pointless as nothing was the right thing to say or do. He even said I was using emotive language to create pressure. Anyway, he said he needs space for 4/5 days and when I asked him to give me some parameters he said ‘you interpret it’.

This is, of course,  the short version of events but it has left me thinking and wondering if I am doing what he’s saying and I’m being ‘unintentionally’ manipulative. I’m a reflective person and I really care about him. If I’m not he’s perceiving it like that. I find space and silence extremely difficult for other reasons to do with previous relationships, he knows. I feel really sad and have the urge to contact but know I can’t. 

I get breadcrumbs on this relationship but I do acknowledge he has tried to adapt things to make them work and be reliable. I’m not sure this has been partly to avoid risky communications from me. I think in this occasion there has been a worry that my erratic messaging behaviour could jeopardise his ‘normal life’. I have become a threat. 

Just for context he has always said he will not leave his marriage and have accepted many things. He gets by using compartmentalisation. 

Any thoughts welcome. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't call it manipulative, but I do think you are looking for a boyfriend figure in him when you know very well he isn't that. 

In other words, you have all kinds of normal needs that will never be met in this situation. You are reacting to that lack, and feeling hurt that your needs don't matter. This is why affairs are not the place to find emotional support the way you would in a relationship. He certainly isn't one to lecture others about playing games or being manipulative when he is the one cheating on his wife, for Pete's sake. 

Instead of fretting about him, I would take this time to reflect on why you are still in this. He has been clear it's never going further and it obviously isn't really working for you anymore.

[Anxiouswreck73]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't call it manipulative, but I do think you are looking for a boyfriend figure in him when you know very well he isn't that. 

In other words, you have all kinds of normal needs that will never be met in this situation. You are reacting to that lack, and feeling hurt that your needs don't matter. This is why affairs are not the place to find emotional support the way you would in a relationship. He certainly isn't one to lecture others about playing games or being manipulative when he is the one cheating on his wife, for Pete's sake. 

Intimacyimprovement guide

 

Instead of fretting about him, I would take this time to reflect on why you are still in this. He has been clear it's never going further and it obviously isn't really working for you anymore.

Thank you for your answer. I am considering this. The difficulty with this one is the 20 friendship aspect to things. It’s the realisation that getting romantically involved has impaired the friendship. I have never contacted him in an ‘emergency’ situation as such until Saturday when I was distressed. He had given me a pre-arranged way in which I could do it, it was disappointing and hard for me in the last few days to understand that the threat this has posed to his life has override the support. I was looking for my ‘friend’ on Saturday (we have talked many times about how the friendship was the fundamental connection between both of us, even if things had to adapt and change). For him it was a ‘red flag’ of manipulation which he has had from other women in the past. Instead of being supportive he has gone to the extreme of isolating me with silence (which he knows is triggering for me for various reasons). We’ve triggered each other. Knowing about how others have treated him in the past makes me question myself and the way I act, my therapist thinks he is the manipulator in this situation and I am completely unable to admit this in my heart. He did go on a nitpicking, blaming streak before he asked for space (nothing I said was right and any emotive language was taken as a strategy to create pressure). I have accepted that he doesn’t want to leave his married, settled life and never have had expectations for him to do so. Never given him an ultimatum or demand anything. He always says I don’t need to be perfect and can admit to need help from others but this is clearly and idealistic concept that doesn’t work in this reality.