Should I consider this relationship anymore??

[Anonymous]

We've been in a relationship for 1 year. I've known her since 2019.

Initially, my girlfriend was fully focused on engineering and had planned her entire 11th and 12th grades around it. However, during admission season, her parents wanted her to pursue medicine, even though she was never really passionate about it. So, she prepared for the medical admission test as her parents wished, but unfortunately, she couldn't get through. She also failed to secure admission to an engineering university.

Missing out on medical admission hit her pretty hard, especially because she felt her preparation had been good. She has always been a hardworking, focused, and determined student. I've known her since 8th grade, so I know how seriously she takes her studies. Somehow, she just couldn't move on from that disappointment.

She still had options like Dental, Army Medical College, other public universities, and agricultural universities. However, at that point, all she could think about was getting into a top government medical college or a top public engineering university in our country. She had convinced herself that if she couldn't get into either of those, studying anywhere else wouldn't be worth it. She was also afraid that people would see her as a failure.

She became so stuck in that mindset that she ended up missing other opportunities.

She hadn't told her parents, friends, relatives, or me what had actually happened. Instead, she told us that she'd gotten into a public engineering university. She thought this would buy her some time to figure things out and somehow make everything right again, so that her parents could be proud of her and wouldn't have to face any embarrassment or humiliation because of her.

Around that time, she also cut off all contact with her college friends because she honestly didn't know what to tell them.

By then, she had very few options left. She also got rejected twice by the military academy. She had been thinking about going abroad for studies from the beginning, and her parents initially agreed. But when she started seriously preparing to go abroad because she couldn't see any other way forward, her parents said they wouldn't let her go alone at such a young age.

Then she failed to get into medical school again on her second attempt.

At that point, she had no choice but to tell her parents everything. When they found out, they were really hurt and told her that if they'd known the truth earlier, they would've arranged admission for her to a private medical college.

That's pretty much how everything happened.         

Her father is a professor at a government college, and her mother is a school teacher. But her father's side of the family isn't that well-established and her maternal relatives being well-established professionally. She is a good student, very strong academically and in extracurricular activities. Now she's studying at a private university. She actually wanted to study at a private medical college because her family is wealthy enough. But she thought her parents wouldn't help her.Her parents are always good at talking and give her hope that they will always be there for her, but when the time comes to help her, they start criticising her or back out. Though she comes from a disturbed family, her behaviour is good. She is such a sweet, understanding, smart, and good-looking person, and we've shared good memories and good times.

My family members and cousins are doing well academically and professionally. Most of my cousins are studying at government medical colleges and other renowned public universities. My father, uncle, and cousin are officers in the armed forces and I'm in the same profession. My parents' preference has always been for me to marry a doctor or a girl from a public engineering university.

However, my parents won't accept my girlfriend. And I love my mother so much that I don't want to hurt her.

When my girlfriend couldn't get into medical school, she told me that I deserved better and that my life would be difficult because of her. Sometimes, she tried to push me away. But when I tried to break up with her, she cried and told me that she would do something great so that my parents could accept her. But it's tough to do well when studying at a B-category private university, and it takes time.

What should I do now?

I'd appreciate honest advice from people who have experienced something similar or can offer a different perspective.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Given how young you both are, I wouldn't put so much pressure on yourselves right now to decide what the future of your relationship is. 

I would first see if your relationship stands the test of time and natural challenges that come with young adulthood as you embark on the next phases of your lives. 

[BlueberryPie]

This is from an American point of view. If you're from elsewhere, your perspective might vary but maybe it will still be worth hearing, who knows. My take on it:

Your parents and her parents already had their turn to run some lives, their own. 

It's not their turn anymore. It's your turn and it's her turn.

Part of growing up includes breaking away from your parents and their expectations and living the life YOU want. And in my opinion, that's the true key to happiness (as long as what you want isn't, er, really stupid or anything haha).

Anyway, everybody isn't cut out to be a doctor and everybody won't be accepted into schools that only take a tiny percentage of worthy applicants.

And there are vastly more important qualities in a wife than her job title!

My family didn't think my guy was good enough and his family didn't think I was good enough but we felt otherwise and we were tired of their dysfunctional toxicity anyway.  Anyway, we went for the careers we wanted and we got married and we've been married for forty years now and it's all been pretty lovely. See, we were right and they were wrong.

So... That's my take on it.