I lost my best friend over a guy, and 8months later i still blame myself.

[Littledaisy]

I’m 21, and eight months ago, I lost my best friend of several years. I still blame myself for how everything ended, and I’d really appreciate honest opinions from people who aren’t involved.

We met when I was 14 and became incredibly close. She was outgoing, and I was shy, so she helped me come out of my shell. We spent so much time together, had sleepovers, visited each other’s homes, and were practically inseparable.

When we were around 14, I briefly dated one of her exes for about two weeks. At our school, dating each other’s exes wasn’t unusual, and she never told me she had a problem with it. We continued being best friends for years afterward. However, when I got older, I started feeling guilty about it because I realised it might have hurt her. I never properly apologised because I was scared to bring it up.

Later, I developed feelings for a guy who was close friends with her. She knew I liked him and actually encouraged us to get together. He told me he liked me, too, and we had an on-and-off talking stage that lasted three or four years. He would disappear and come back, and I kept giving him chances because I was attached to him.

Eventually, I started feeling like he might actually like my best friend. She had a boyfriend at the time, and she treated him as a friend, but I couldn’t stop talking to him or having feelings for him.

Over time, my best friend and I started arguing more frequently. After one big argument, we didn’t speak for two weeks.

She eventually reached out and told me I was her number one and that she’d cut the guy off because our friendship mattered more to her. Then she told me she’d developed feelings for him and had confessed them to him. Apparently, they’d both had feelings for about a month. She said she’d cut him off because she didn’t want to lose me.

She even came to my workplace to talk to me about everything face-to-face. Afterward, I messaged her and said we should leave him behind and focus on our friendship.

Then the guy unexpectedly messaged me. He defended her, said everything was his fault, and told me she’d explained everything to him. I was confused because I thought they’d stopped talking.

When I asked her about it, she said that just because there was nothing romantic between them didn’t mean they couldn’t check on each other. I felt hurt because I thought she’d told me she’d cut contact with him.

Our argument got worse. She brought up the fact that I’d dated her ex when we were 14, saying she’d stayed quiet because she knew he would hurt me.

I admitted that dating her ex might have been wrong. I still feel guilty about it, and I wish I’d apologised properly. But we were 14, she never told me she was hurt, and we’d remained close friends for years afterward.

We argued about other things, too, and eventually she said that if I wanted to end the friendship, fine, because she was tired as well. That was the end of our friendship.

It’s been eight months, and I still think about it. Part of me feels like I have no right to be hurt because I dated her ex first. Another part of me feels hurt because I trusted her and believed we’d agreed to prioritise our friendship.

I’d genuinely appreciate honest opinions:

Was I being hypocritical for feeling hurt about what happened when I’d dated her ex at 14?

Do you think she was wrong to say she’d cut contact with him if they were still checking on each other?

Was our friendship doomed because of mistakes we both made, or could I have handled things differently?

Should I reach out after eight months, or accept that the friendship is over?

I’m not trying to make myself look innocent. I know I made mistakes, and I want to understand her side, too. I just don’t know whether I’m taking responsibility for my mistakes or blaming myself for everything.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

[Alpacalia]

Sorry this happened. I lost a best friend of 20 years, and it still hurts to this day.

Could dating her ex have hurt her, even if she never said anything? Absolutely. Sometimes people stay quiet because they’re afraid of losing a friendship, don’t know how to express their feelings, or think they should just get over it. Maybe she carried some resentment that you didn’t know about.

At the same time, I think you could have asked more questions before assuming that her continued contact with the guy you had feelings for meant she’d betrayed you. She developed feelings for him, and she didn’t necessarily have to stop talking to him just because you were uncomfortable with their connection. You both really weren't dating.

However, if she told you she’d cut contact with him, I can understand why you felt hurt when you found out they were still checking on each other. She knew you had feelings for him, just as you knew she had a history with her ex, so I think there’s a bit of hurt on both sides here, even though the situations weren’t exactly the same.

It sounds like you both had unresolved feelings and miscommunication that eventually damaged the friendship. Ultimately, it sounds like you both let a guy and the feelings surrounding him get in the way of a friendship that meant a lot to you.

If you genuinely miss her, I’d reach out once and let her know you’re open to talking. Just be prepared for the possibility that she may not respond.

Edited Sunday at 09:55 PM by Alpacalia