Feeling hurt again after flashbacks of images I found on fiancé's phone - how do I deal with this?

[Custardface1]

This has plagued me on & off for the last 1.5 years, and we’ve been together for 2 years [35f] [37m]. We met in Oct 2024, connected straight away & have had a blast. I moved in early on - we knew we wanted to see more of each other & it felt natural. We met each others families about 2 months in.. we all get along great. He introduced me to his friends immediately, they all love me & vice versa. He made it clear early on that he was serious about me, proposed a few months ago, & has been working hard for us to be able to build a life together. He is thoughtful, kind, intelligent, ambitious, hilarious & caring.. treats me very well.

I’m aware that he’s had 2 ‘relationships’ in the past - the first was on/off for 2-3 years in his early 20s, ending in 2014, and the second was him dating a girl for 2-3 months, in his late 20s, then realising he didn’t like her enough. Last summer, I couldn’t find my phone at one point whilst he was out so decided to message him off his iPad; in the chat, I found some cartoonised nudes of his first ex he’d messaged himself just a few months before we met, around the time he’d left his job. Her nipples had been covered with fire emojis, & the images filtered so it looked slightly anime-like. It was clear that her breasts are larger than mine - maybe a D cup, mine are C. I became curious & came across a dropbox folder with pics of her - he hadn’t visited this in many years so probably didn’t know it still existed. 

I didn’t mention any of this at the time. I noticed about a month later he’d been using an old laptop as he had interviews coming up. There were more pictures on there on her - pics of her boobs (he’d taken whilst she was sleeping) along with pics she’d sent him. There was also a video of her kissing another girl, presumably her friend. There were also ‘normal’ pics. He had another folder of pics of her face distorted on to pornstars bodies. I could see that these folders had been loaded a week before, when he’d been on his laptop for the first time in ages. I asked him about all of this & he told me he was trying to access a different file, old files came up and he clicked off. He told me that he didn’t know these pics still existed & that, since our relationship was so fast moving, he hadn’t really had a chance to sit down and delete old stuff. He has since deleted everything. He still isn’t aware I saw the cartoonised images. It’s definitely not something he looks at now but it bugs me that he was viewing them 10 years after his relationship, just before we met. I also found the kissing video stored on his google drive folder, he’d edited it and accessed it in 2023. 

During the first few weeks of our relationship he’d always spoken about her quite negatively. He also said that he was immature back then, in his first job & enjoying life not thinking about anything serious like marriage. They had fun. He’s always been a high flyer, they worked in similar fields and I feel jealous that they shared this along with likely more sexual excitement. When I confronted him about the images last summer, he opened up to me about losing his virginity to me - he told me they’d done other things, not penetrative sex. I've seen a message he’d sent her asking if they’d have bday sex (could this mean oral?). He told me that he never wanted to have penetrative sex with her, but she did. Their relationship couldn’t last long term due to cultural differences, and she didn’t meet many of his friends. She barely slept over, but I’ve seen messages where he asked if she would stop over more. They never lived together, nor did they meet each others families - they didn’t know about the relationship. He’s told me that his relationship with me is his first proper, serious relationship, that I'm his first love. He's always wanted me around in a way that he’s never felt with any girl before… in the past he’d always need space from time to time. 

Most people say he’s punching with me. I’ve always been attracted to him - he’s handsome, tall and charming. I've asked him if he was more attracted to her. He tells me he definitely wasn’t & that he can’t even remember what she looks like. He also doesn’t like that I bring her up as he doesn’t like revisiting the relationship/ thinking about her - I don’t get how he could easily masturbate to her before I came along if that’s the case. He has referred to the folder images as ‘juvenile’, which is also odd considering he revisited them many years after. It bugs me more since I’m pretty sure he gets off to porn (during the course of our relationship) - it’s possible he also did the same whilst with her, but he almost had this infatuation with her body that I don’t feel he has with me. He's told me he doesn’t really watch porn and that he generally thinks of me when he’s doing that. When I’ve mentioned that I’m feeling insecure he reassures me that he’s always touching me and wants me in his arms (this is true). He tells me that what I’m thinking is very far from reality - I do have ADHD so sometimes get this way. I have a good figure but I’m wondering if he’s attracted to my breasts - he is always grabbing my bum (which I love) but he doesn’t pay that much attention to my boobs other than during sex. There isn’t much sexual excitement in our relationship & he’s never asked me for nudes. He calls me beautiful all the time, & I know he is attracted to me as he makes it clear in many ways. The sex has dwindled down a bit due to various reasons, we’ve both expressed that we’re uncomfortable with this & want more. 

I haven’t told him that I’m aware he was masturbating to her pics just before we met, but I want to. I don’t know if I’m overthinking all of this. I don't know what to do to move forward - what should I do to get out of this slump?

tl;dr feeling insecure due to old pics on partner's devices, wish he could lust after me the same way he used to with his ex, not sure if I’m being silly & how to bring this up with him

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Custardface1 said:

The sex has dwindled down a bit due to various reasons, we’ve both expressed that we’re uncomfortable with this & want more. 

This seems to be underlying your current fear and insecurity. 

What has happened that sex has tapered off, and what steps have you taken together to improve that? 

5 hours ago, Custardface1 said:

I haven’t told him that I’m aware he was masturbating to her pics just before we met, but I want to

For what reason, though? Who he masturbated to before you met is not your business, and what could he possibly say that would put your mind at ease? He was allowed to pleasure himself as he chose and it's awkward and inappropriate of you to bring this up to him. 

 

[Custardface1]

44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This seems to be underlying your current fear and insecurity. 

What has happened that sex has tapered off, and what steps have you taken together to improve that? 

For what reason, though? Who he masturbated to before you met is not your business, and what could he possibly say that would put your mind at ease? He was allowed to pleasure himself as he chose and it's awkward and inappropriate of you to bring this up to him. 

 

We've experienced some challenges due to life changes. We're both working on that together. I think the main thing is that I don't understand why he's never asked me for explicit pics, and I do feel jealous that they perhaps had more sexual excitement despite never having penetrative sex. 

We met months after he would've been doing this, so it feels a bit off to me