Returning to breakup discussion with the full story

[Anonymous]

As some of you may know, I posted here just days after a devastating breakup. It has been 4months and I am able to write with clarity on the full story of the relationship. All thoughts on the matter are appreciated. Perhaps with the full story, the dynamic changes.

My primary weakness that im working on is communicating that I need space after rupture and provide an exact time to reconnect. Along with this, being more verbally affirming. 

 

About 3-4 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy and it was the safest I’d ever felt in a relationship.

I’d moved to a new city and met him before I’d made any real friends. We hit it off, conversation was easy and I felt truly loved. We never ran out of things to talk about and he did so many thoughtful little things for me and it was easy for me to love him and I felt like it was ok to be fully me/ our lives meshed seamlessly. It was rare. It began to feel a bit co dependent though because he mainly wanted to hang out with me over hanging with his friends/ support his own social life and I struggled to make friends in this new city. Our isolation I think prevented any conflict to happen. We lived in a bubble while I continued to go on trips for work/ try new hobbies in our city. I felt sad because he didn’t have a desire to travel and learn like me and I felt like I was growing while he did the same thing everyday and didn’t join me for hobbies. I then began wondering should I fear that there’s something wrong with me for being concerned about this..how could I feel safe and yet alone and partially unknown? Was this a sign I was an avoidant or maybe sabotaging the right thing?

. So while I felt loved I also felt alone in growth and regularly told me to stop working so hard (my job did really stress my out but I knew it had longterm gain)He got anxious or worried when I fell asleep or was in the middle of something and a few hrs would pass between texts (like 6hr during work or during a migraine/ we didn’t have plans) and I’d wake up to a bunch of calls or texts. Which is sweet because he was worried ..I wanted him to feel fully loved and safe but I began to get stressed that if I didn’t text him in a certain amount of time he’d think I didn’t care or was boxing him out and again wondered if I was unintentionally distant.He began to not initiate Intimacy and I didn’t know why..even if I tried but I know it’s my failure for not asking. I wondered if I was an avoidant because while he was sweet I questioned if things were supposed to feel like this

Then He the got a dui (his second/ his first when he was 18) while I was away. I found it very upsetting and reckless. His license was revoked for months and he couldn’t leave the state. I’m upset with myself that internally, I struggled to trust that he didn’t have an issue. He also lost his job 2x in a 2yr period and would slump into these periods of sadness (now him and I both know that was depression). He’d call his mom for adult issues instead of me and something about that felt odd. I worried that we were repeating his parents relationship- his dad died of alcoholism and the mom held down a solid job and managed everything as a single mom.

In the end, I got a once in a lifetime job opportunity that would move me 3.5 hrs away for a short period (probably could consider moving back within the yr). I wanted to be supported in this as I thought it was exciting and would help us greatly in the future but instead he got more anxious about periods between texts, who I was talking to and my intentions in our relationship. It was also nice to not be so isolated anymore/ the new city had social opportunities/my family for me so moving back to the og state did scare me. I was trying my very best to make him feel loved and I began to feel overwhelmed by the stress of the job and seemingly failing to show how much I loved my partner while holding internally being conflicted with living in the og state. I hated myself for taking the job (it ended up being so important for my career though)I tried to discuss the next few months/ anxiety and how to come back together with him and he’d shut it down and say he was tired of talking about it. I also tried to talk softly about my stress bc he had lost his job and was under considerable stress himself.I felt alone. He started looking for a home to buy in our og state without asking me what I thought and it seemed like an odd time to do that but it also seemed wrong of me to stop him since we weren’t married and his lease was up. He also couldn’t come visit due to the dui restriction so it was all up to me. I broke off our relationship because It all felt intense and lonely and I was drowning with the intensity of work and inability to make him happy in distance. I hated myself for that decision immediately because I loved him very much and he was the only man I felt safe with. I continue to grieve this and I wonder..is there something wrong with me? I ruined something that should have lasted forever..he was my best love and know I will never find something again. I feel so incapable. On my end I see a lack of solid communication and inability to know how to navigate through these challenges that in the end are minuscule

Fast forward:

A big reason I'm questioning myself so much is that a few months ago, years after our original breakup, I reached out to him hoping we might reconnect.

We lived in different states, so I wanted to take things slowly and rebuild a foundation before becoming official- I thought we were on the same page about this. For about six months, I genuinely thought things were developing well. I felt comfortable, connected, and thought our communication was good. He finally started working out , staying medicated and holding down a solid job..this is what I wanted in our first relationship and wondered why he didn’t want these things the first time we were together

Then one day he called me unexpectedly and listed several things l'd done over the previous couple of months that had hurt him. I was shocked because I had no idea he'd been upset or accumulating resentment. By the time he told me, he was already ready to end things rather than giving us much opportunity to address them as they happened.

The examples felt like relatively small miscommunications to me. Once he asked to call about logistics, and I missed the request for a call and instead texted him all the information. Another time I said I'd had a "meh" workday without explaining further; he interpreted that as me boxing him out, whereas I would have happily told him more if he'd asked. And once I received 24 hours' notice for a work trip to a diff city and sent him a picture when I landed. He was hurt that I hadn't told him beforehand because he was out of the loop. He called these actions immature and refused to get on FaceTime and said he was shocked/ couldn’t believe me?. I started to cry because of the character judgment and confusion. He retracted the ending and spent the next two days convincing me he wanted me.he told me I was being flippant?I told him that I was there to listen and make him feel heard. I wanted him to only feel love but that I did not wanting us making character judgments about eachother. the intense change in his emotions made me need space after explaining which I could have communicated better but I simply said I needed a second because I did not know what to say. During this time I journaled, tried to make sense of it all and calm myself. He texted me he was anxious but it wasnt my job to fix it.We scheduled a call later that week and I thought it was to repair/ I came with notes instead he ended it for real. He showed no emotion as a sobbed out of confusion and feeling broken. Psychologically painful.

We weren't officially dating and were long-distance, so I didn't realize these things carried that much significance for him. Had he told me at the time, I would have understood and adjusted. I reached out a few weeks later through texts just asking for understanding. He never responded but continued to watch my insta stories. How do you leave someone in so much pain and be able to sleep at night? Did I mean nothing? Am I worthless?

That experience is a huge part of why I'm now questioning my judgment about our original relationship. I've always thought I was reasonably socially aware and thoughtful, but this made me wonder whether things I perceive as minor are actually major relationship failures that I'm somehow not recognizing.

[ShyViolet]

You did the right thing when you broke up with him the first time.  This relationship was going nowhere and he was holding you back.  He was not a very mentally healthy person.  His insecure behaviors like never letting you go a few hours without texting or calling him was sabotaging the relationship and something you should not have put up with.  You shouldn't have second guessed yourself about that breakup.  And coming back to him later to try and reconnect was a bad idea.  He did you a favor by finally ending things for good.