Ex came back wanting to rebuild our connection, but says he doesn't know if he has romantic feelings. Is friendship a bad idea?

[Anonymous]

I had a long, complicated on-and-off relationship with a man for several years. There were strong feelings and a lot of closeness, but also instability, repeated conflict, periods of blocking/no contact, and some very painful endings.

Earlier this year, after a particularly bad conflict between us, he became involved with another woman very quickly. What hurt me wasn't simply that he dated someone else; it was how abruptly I felt pushed out of his life after years of being extremely close. Before that happened, he had told me that he wanted us to remain close for life regardless of what happened romantically, so the experience seriously damaged my trust in statements like that.

Their relationship eventually ended. He and I had some contact afterward, but it became unhealthy for me because I still had feelings and couldn't comfortably occupy a platonic-friend role. Eventually we stopped communicating completely for about a month.

He recently contacted me again on his own.

His initial messages were emotionally intense. Without quoting him exactly, he essentially said that he missed me, didn't want to lose me, regretted some of his past behavior, wanted to try again, wanted to care about me in a healthier way, and wanted to do things differently.

Because of our history, I initially interpreted this as at least partly romantic.

When I asked him directly what “trying again” meant, however, his answer became much more ambiguous. He said that right now he wants friendship and to rebuild trust slowly. He said romance is something he doesn't want to rush and that he wants to see what develops naturally.

I eventually asked him very directly whether he currently sees himself having romantic feelings for me again.

His answer was essentially: he doesn't know. He can't predict the future, he misses spending time with me and wants more of that connection, but he cannot promise romance because he doesn't currently find those feelings in himself.

He has also said that even if we never become romantic again, he would like us to have a close bond for the rest of our lives.

He says he has made meaningful changes in his life since our relationship deteriorated. He's working on himself, has made lifestyle changes, is in therapy, is trying to communicate better, and says he wants something healthy and stable between us. I do see some potentially positive changes, so I don't want to portray him as entirely unchanged or assume bad intentions.

At the same time, I'm realizing that I don't think I'm emotionally neutral enough to be his close platonic friend.

If I spend months talking to him regularly, having long conversations, rebuilding emotional intimacy and supporting him while privately hoping romance develops, I'm afraid I'll essentially be auditioning for the girlfriend role while he gets the companionship he wants without having chosen a romantic relationship.

I'm particularly worried because of what happened previously. He wanted lifelong friendship then too, but when another romantic interest appeared, I felt abruptly discarded. So even if he promises that our friendship is important to him now, I'm not sure how much security that actually gives me.

I'm not asking whether he's a bad person or whether anyone can predict what he'll eventually feel. I'm trying to decide whether there's a psychologically sensible structure in which I can continue interacting with him without putting myself back into an emotionally vulnerable waiting position.

My questions are:

If you received his original outreach after a month of no contact, would you reasonably have interpreted it as romantic, or can those kinds of statements reasonably describe friendship?

How would you interpret the difference between his emotionally intense initial outreach and his later statement that he doesn't currently know whether he has romantic feelings?

If I still have romantic feelings, is rebuilding a close friendship realistically workable, or am I likely to end up waiting/hoping for him to choose me?

Given that he previously became involved with someone else and abruptly distanced himself from me, what would constitute reasonable evidence that rebuilding trust is safe? Is there actually any assurance he could give me, or would only behavior over time matter?

Would it be reasonable to say that I can slowly explore rebuilding the connection only if we're mutually exploring possible reconciliation and neither of us pursues other people during that period? Or would that effectively be asking for relationship-level exclusivity without being in a relationship?

If you think continuing contact could work, what boundaries would you recommend?

If you think it cannot work, what specifically makes you think walking away would be healthier?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have successfully rebuilt relationships after a painful breakup and people who tried the “let's be friends and see what happens” approach and regretted it. I'm not looking for diagnoses of either person. I'm interested in the relationship structure and whether it seems emotionally sustainable.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

There were strong feelings and a lot of closeness, but also instability, repeated conflict, periods of blocking/no contact, and some very painful endings.

If you are interested in a repeat of what you've written here, then proceed.

If it was me, I'd leave this door closed. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

If you think it cannot work, what specifically makes you think walking away would be healthier?

Look at your first quote.  I think it would be a good idea for you to take some time to explore, possibly with a counselor, why you would even consider a repeat of the experience you describe.

[ShyViolet]

No, you cannot stay "friends" with a guy who you had a dysfunctional relationship with, who has hurt you and who you still have feelings for.  That would be a truly terrible idea.

Why on earth would you let this guy back into your life again?  You seem like an intelligent person.  All you have to do is look at his past behavior.  If you want more of a volatile, inconsistent, on/off relationship from a guy who makes you feel that you are not a priority in his life, then by all means repeat this cycle with him again.  The smart thing to do would be to respect yourself enough to cut things off with this guy once and for all.

Edited 5 hours ago by ShyViolet

[Sony12]

The OP is trying to demand too many explanations here. You don't go back to a person who has cheated on you like this. They will simply do the same thing all over again.

Edited 3 hours ago by Sony12