Women I'm close to online doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want to meet anymore, but also wants to remain close online with blurred boundaries.

[A_lol]

I’m 23M in Vancouver Canada and she’s 27F in the New York area. We met earlier this year in June on a language learning app called hellotalk. On the app you can have voice rooms and I was hosting one day randomly and was inviting random people up (8 people can talk on stage and rest are in the audience) and she happened to be one of those randoms and I noticed she was muted for quite awhile so I asked her to unmute and introduce herself. I found her interesting so I followed her and she would host rooms frequently so I would join hers and she started joining mine. 

We moved to Instagram, Discord and eventually WhatsApp. We’ve video called a lot for hours and hours, voice called, watched things together, spent hours talking, and there were nights where we literally fell asleep while still on the phone together and would stay on call in the morning while getting ready and heading to work. 

 we’ve never met in person  but  she became one of the people I talked to the most. I literally know where she lives , works , and her daily routine and she knows mine. We both have feelings for each other but she's been very inconsistent about what she's wanted. Early on she would tell me to come to New York showed me wall Street on video call even showed me her neighbourhood and workplace and where she grabs coffee every morning from dunkins. She even said she would cook for me if I come. 

 Later she became much more resistant to it as we got closer. I would talk to other women on the app or just get their socials and she would become very possessive/jealous but also wanted to be just friends and didn't want a relationship. 

Eventually I was flirting with one of her online friend from Australia and she found out and it causes a whole mess to the point she literally cussed me out. At that point I was like , I'm going to be in New York on Saturday come meet me at Central park I'll be there for 7 days and if you don't want to meet or if we don't vibe in person I'll leave you alone. She told me not to come for her and even told me to get over her and meet me later as a friend. I told her I'm going to be in New York regardless and meet me at Central park I'll be waiting for her and don't let me down(I asked advice from my friend he said emotionally pressure her a bit). 

Well I book a flight and book an airbnb and I got denied entry to the USA but was never told why. I had some issues in highschool with police but I was never charged or a convicted of a crime I was just given a court order which does not make me inadmissible to the United States but I also didn't tell Customs and border protection about her because it seemed embarrassing and it was a grey area. I also didn't trust what she would tell them if I gave them her number.  

After this she became more distant for the past month but for the last week she's been reaching out again, she says she wants the same closeness again but never wants to meet and even said she's not putting herself infront of me but yet wants closeness online.  She did tell me she was hurt by me trying to go over there last month and pressuring her but I also said I was hurt by her wanting to keep me close yet never meet me. She even said while trying to get me to come back to her saying it's sad how she would've hung out with me before but now she never will. 

Her reasoning seems to be that because we both have feelings, she doesn’t want either of us to be tempted or have the feelings get stronger when she believes we cannot date.
This is where I completely lose understanding of her.
She says she doesn’t want to meet me in real life, but at the same time she wants us to be extremely close online.
After this conversation she was talking about going back to how close we used to be, including sleeping on the phone together again.

I told her I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be okay with that.

For me, talking through a screen indefinitely while knowing we will never even sit in the same room together is painful. I’m not saying an online friendship is fake, but I personally cannot handle this level of emotional intimacy if it is permanently confined to a screen.

I decided that maybe I needed to cut contact entirely, left her a message and blocking her everywhere but I couldn't bring myself to block her on discord and WhatsApp and she saw the message almost instantly and called me crying calling me an a-hole for blocking her and told me to unblock her. I ended up unblocking her , but I don't understand what she wants and why she wants to stay close online. 

She literally wants to stay close online , but denied me a meeting even platonically and I will never know what would've happened if I actually made it to New York last month. My plan was if she didn't meet or if it didn't workout I would just leave, check the city out and remove her everywhere but i couldn't do that and still can't because it feels so unfinished rn. I've spoken to  a us immigration lawyer and trying to get my issues entering the states figured out so one day I can be in New York and see if she would be willing to meet but at this point I just want closure I don't expect anything for her. All I always wanted was one real memory with her that's it but she is unwilling to give me that but also not letting me leave her. 

At this point I don’t know whether she genuinely believes we can have an extremely emotionally intimate online friendship indefinitely, or whether we’re both keeping each other stuck because neither of us wants to lose the connection.
I don’t want to pressure her to meet me. If she doesn’t want to meet, I accept that. But I also don’t think I can keep having this level of intimacy with someone I may never see in person.

The relationship has started affecting other areas of my life, and when I try talking to other women I still find myself thinking about her.

Do I need to cut contact completely? Is there any realistic way to turn this into a healthy friendship, or are we just prolonging something that has nowhere to go? And what do you think she is actually looking for from me?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, A_lol said:

Do I need to cut contact completely?

Absolutely.

 

1 hour ago, A_lol said:

Is there any realistic way to turn this into a healthy friendship, or are we just prolonging something that has nowhere to go?

Nothing good can come out of this. She is mentally unstable and emotionally abusive and you haven’t even met. Why would you want a friend like that?

 

1 hour ago, A_lol said:

And what do you think she is actually looking for from me?

My guess is that she is lonely and wants to keep people close without actually wanting a romantic relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, think realistically here: 

She sounds incredibly emotionally immature and not very mentally stable. 

You live on the other side of the continent and you have recently been denied entry into the US. The chances that you will be cleared to make it back there again any time soon are low. 

This has no future. 

[Acacia98]

There's nothing unusual about her motivations, OP. She enjoys the way the attention you give her makes her feel. She feels flattered. It boosts her ego. But she doesn't actually want to be with you. It's like you're a worshipper with his god. That's all. Plenty of people have made similar posts about people they interact with online or face-to-face. If you want to continue playing this role in her life, go ahead. Just make peace with the fact that the feelings and the desire to meet will always be one-sided.

If, on the other hand, you want to make the healthy choice, block her everywhere, take some time to get over missing her, and then start meeting women close to where you are and getting to know them. Someone of your age and with your means shouldn't be wasting his time and energy chasing shadows when it is perfectly possible to meet real people and enjoy mature, healthy relationships where you are.