23M, close friend 27F of 2 years may reconcile with her ex — how can I handle the friendship and set boundaries respectfully?

[Anonymous]

I’m 23M and my close friend is 27F. We’ve known each other for about 2 years.

She was with her ex for around 10 years. A couple months before their final breakup, they had already broken up once because, from what she told me, he said he didn’t want to be with her anymore. They eventually got back together, but later she found out he had cheated, and the relationship ended again.

I was there for her through a lot of what happened afterward. At first, I wasn’t looking at her romantically, but after we hung out a few times, I realized I had developed feelings for her.

Eventually I told her how I felt. She told me she saw me as a friend. I respected that, even though my feelings didn’t just disappear.

After that, there was some distance between us, including a two-week trip I took. When I came back, we started getting close again. Not long afterward, I had surgery, and she checked in on me basically every day. Those conversations eventually turned into FaceTime calls and longer conversations, often with her being the one who initiated them.

That closeness made my feelings stronger. I understand that none of that automatically means she developed romantic feelings for me.

Recently, she told me that she and her ex might try to work things out again.

When she first told me that, I reacted emotionally and assumed it meant they were basically getting back together. I told her that if she went back to him, I didn’t think I could continue being her friend.

She clarified that they are not actually back together right now and that she is only considering trying to work things out with him. She also pointed out that since they are not back together, we could still do some of the things we had already planned.

After talking more, I realized I had gotten ahead of myself and was reacting to something that hadn’t actually happened yet.

I told her I’m not asking her to choose between me and her ex. Whatever she decides to do with him should be based on what she wants, not on whether she thinks she will lose me as a friend.

I also told her I needed some time to think because I didn’t want to keep making decisions while I was emotional.

If she eventually dates someone else, I think I could still remain her friend. Her ex feels different to me because I’ve already watched someone else I care about repeatedly go back to a relationship where they were treated badly, and watching that cycle has been difficult for me.

Because of that, if she eventually does reconcile with her ex, I think I may need to step away from the friendship for my own emotional well-being.

Right now, though, they are not back together, and I don’t want to treat the situation as if that decision has already been made.

What are some healthy ways to handle the friendship while she is still deciding what she wants?

How much space would you suggest taking before I talk to her again?

If she eventually does reconcile with her ex, what would be a respectful way to communicate that I need to step back without making her feel pressured to choose between us?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are far too focused on her needs, and not focused enough on your own. 

For example, I wouldn't worry so much about this: 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

If she eventually does reconcile with her ex, what would be a respectful way to communicate that I need to step back without making her feel pressured to choose between us?

You can simply tell her what you have essentially already said: that for your own peace of mind, you need to take space. Don't worry about making her feel pressured to choose between you. I don't think she is worried about that or would think of it that way, and she is a big girl. She knows that going back to her ex would mean you need space from her. 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

After talking more, I realized I had gotten ahead of myself and was reacting to something that hadn’t actually happened yet.

Maybe so, but your gut and common sense were kicking in here. They were telling you that your feelings for her are too strong to sit on the sidelines while she dates other men who aren't you. This was reality tapping you on the shoulder. 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

What are some healthy ways to handle the friendship while she is still deciding what she wants?

I think you need to take space away from this friendship regardless of whether she returns to her ex. You have feelings for her that she does not reciprocate. That is going to continue to be difficult, because it will likely hurt a lot more than you think when she eventually dates someone else. You say you think you would be fine if she dated someone who wasn't her ex, but I don't think you're being very realistic about that. It is not going to feel very good watching her drift away from you while she falls in  love with another guy. 

In short, I wouldn't stress about calculating how much time you should take before talking to her again. These things cannot be predicted. I would simply lessen contact and let your feelings fizzle, however long that takes. It might be a month, it might be six months. Or even more. But every time you get the urge to reach out, remember that she is obvioulsy also texting her ex and navigating a possible reconciliation. While you probably light up inside when you see a message from her on her phone screen, she likely feels the same way when she sees her ex has messaged her. That might be the cold dose of reality needed to keep you from staying in close contact.