Mixed signals from a guy M48 I've known of for years F51 — need outside perspective

[blabbing]

Mixed signals from a guy I've known of for years — need outside perspective
Me (F51), him (M48). I live in a small town in Spain. There's a guy in my neighbourhood I'd seen around for years with mutual attraction but never spoken to, until a few months ago we finally got chatting at a local bar over a shared love of running.
The next morning he called me out of nowhere and started bringing me gifts (fish from the market where he works, a matching bracelet from a family holiday). Messaging was intense fast, all-caps texts about thinking of me all day, wanting to spend all his time with me. When I said I wanted to slow down, he respected it and pulled back.
We started seeing each other. On one date, I said no to sex (I had my period), and he pushed a couple of times before backing off and apologising. It left me uneasy. After that night he went quiet for several days; when I asked what was going on, he said my short reply had seemed cold to him and that he'd been having a rough week with his son. We talked it through and moved on.
Since then we've kept seeing each other, but there's a pattern: he's warm and affectionate in person and says he really likes being with me, but he rarely initiates contact or makes plans. I'm always the one reaching out first. Recently he came for dinner, said "see you tomorrow" as he left, then didn't message again until I broke the silence three days later.
When I told him honestly how the inconsistency was confusing and upsetting me, he said he does want to continue, and suggested he's held back on messaging because I once asked him to slow things down. But that request was right at the start, before we'd even kissed, so it doesn't really explain why the distance has grown since we've become more involved, not less. That contradiction is part of what's left me unsure where I stand or what he actually wants.
Not looking for a serious relationship necessarily, but I don't want to be a casual, low-priority thing either. Anyone been on either side of this?

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, blabbing said:

Not looking for a serious relationship necessarily, but I don't want to be a casual, low-priority thing either.

You first need to get a lot clearer (with youreself) about this. There's too much grey area between these two things. 

What would your ideal situation with him be? 

[blabbing]

I'd like to get to know him better. To do this, I believe we need clear communication. I told him by message and he said he'd like to keep seeing me and talk about the situation I've brought up, but he's been silent again for a week. It feels like I'm chasing him now. I don't understand his sudden change.

[Acacia98]

I think that at some level, he resents the fact that you set boundaries defining the pace at which you wanted to go. So he's "punishing" you in some mild passive aggressive fashion. I imagine the hope is that next time he wants to do something that makes you uncomfortable, you'll be inclined to suppress your discomfort and go along with what he wants.

I just experienced something similar with a guy I was getting to know. I ultimately disengaged because it was exhausting dealing with him.

Edited 13 hours ago by Acacia98

[blabbing]

I'm sorry to hear that. That's how I'm feeling now tbh. Wondering if I should text him to talk and wondering about why I'm wondering about it.

[Acacia98]

I wouldn't bother talking to him about it. I'd just match his effort. If he invests energy in communication, you reciprocate. If he doesn't, you stay silent too.

If he's genuinely interested, he'll either pick up the pace or want to have a conversation with you about it. If he's not actually interested, then your interaction with and interest in each other will reduce to zero with the lower communication, and you'll effectively be broken up.

[Sony12]

It's very clear that when you put the clamps down on the possibility of a lot of sex happening early on is when he began going distant. That's a clear sign that he is mainly just interested in having sex with you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, blabbing said:

Wondering if I should text him to talk

Haven't you already brought this up, though? 

[flitzanu]

8 hours ago, blabbing said:

I'm sorry to hear that. That's how I'm feeling now tbh. Wondering if I should text him to talk and wondering about why I'm wondering about it.

this is potentially your problem.

you keep saying he isn't engaging and texting you, but you also say you keep having dates and seeing each other.  maybe he doesn't want to text all day and would rather converse in person.

[smackie9]

I think you keep going out with him hoping there will be different results, but a repeat pattern has emerged. He's not treating you the way you expect to be treated. Hot cold behavior is a big red flag. This guy is not what you are looking for. 

I can see you would like a gentleman that is consistent with his communication, wines and dines you, is delighted in having good conversation to get to know you, intellectual stimulation. Someone that can be romantic, respectful, etc. Right out of the gate the guy wanted to romp...that's when you should have walked away IMO. Enough is enough...you are not going to see anything different from this guy...there isn't a magic spell, words or action that will make him into what you expect. Big waste of your time.