The other woman I still love

[Missed Conection]

I need your help understanding what a particular woman in my life wants/feels/desires. Put yourself in their shoes, and give me the most accurate answers you can. I don't want confirmation of my bias, I want the truth as best as can be determined.

I'll give the back story of her, and then as much detail of our most recent interactions. I want to know if she has feelings, even loves me, or not.

We'll call her Sarah. I am completely in love with Sarah, and have been for over 25 years.

I had intended to ask her out when we were 23, (we never dated, and I was never sure what she thought of me) but life took a different turn and I ended up marrying someone else, we'll call her Elizabeth.

Elizabeth is a wonderful woman, and I am very happily married to her. I have no desire for an affair with Sarah, but it doesn't change the fact that I very deeply love Sarah, I know how incredible she is, and know she would have made a wonderful wife and mother.

Sarah is the same age as I am, 40, and she has never married nor has kids.

Sarah grew up just 3 houses down from me, and as far as I remember, she was the first friend I ever had, at 3 years old. We were best friends until age 6 or 7. Then she started playing more with the girls, and me more with the boys.

We went to school together until the end of grade 10. We went to church together, in youth group, etc. We were in each others lives a lot until she temporarily moved away after grade 10.

I first fell in love with Sarah around grade 6/7.

Until I met Elizabeth at age 23, I'd never loved anyone other than Sarah, and didn't work up the courage to ask her out until it was too late.

Sarah moved back after grade 12. The day I saw her back was joy beyond what I can describe. She specifically sought me out at church and we had a few good talks.

Almost immediately after these interactions, life drew me away and I didn't get to see her again.

I should have asked her out then, but I didn't know I wasn't going to talk to her again for 22 years.

At age 23 I was in a position where I was completely ready to have a wife, and start a family. I was intending to go find Sarah and ask her to at least find out. Instead, at that exact moment, Elizabeth walked into my life and the rest is history with her. Elizabeth is also 40, (we're all within 3 months of each other).

I thought my feelings for Sarah would go away after that, and during the "honeymoon phase", they mostly did. But I later discovered they were just subconsciously suppressed during the honeymoon phase. After about a year of marriage, my feelings for Sarah started surfacing again. Never any desire for something physical, I don't want to be the guy that cheats on his wife, but my love for Sarah was just as deep. I regularly have dreams about her. It really hurts to love someone that much, but not be able to see them, talk with them, or be with them.

My love for Elizabeth is also very deep, and I have zero regrets marrying her. Elizabeth and I are a great match with our personalities, and we work very well together at life and in our business.

I'll detail the list of interactions Sarah and I subsequently had, and try to describe as best as possible what I could read in her so you can provide your best understanding of her feelings towards me.

When we were about 33 years old, Elizabeth, our 3 kids, and I went back to my old church for a visit, Sarah was still attending there. Sarah was sitting in the row right behind us, and only about 8 seats down. I know she saw me.

After the service, I went to go over to her to say hi and introduce my daughter to her. Sarah quickly left the sanctuary before I could get to her, and I looked all over the foyer and side hallways for her, but couldn't find her.

I now wonder if she does have feelings, and it was too painful for her to see me married to someone else so that's why she left, but I don't know if this is true.

Then just about 6 weeks ago I went into an engineering firm for a meeting, and there was Sarah. She saw me first, and came over to say hi. I asked her if she had time to catch up, and we went to a boardroom and talked for almost 2 hours. Basically just about what we've been up to all these years.

I asked her if she was married or had a boyfriend, she said no. She said it was something she always wanted, but it never happened.

It's important to note that Sarah has a very similar personality to Elizabeth. They both have an intensity, and don't mind saying what's on their minds. They don't like passive aggressive communication. I love this in both of them.

I'm not great at reading women, but after 16 years of marriage to Elizabeth, I can read her fairly well.

During that 2 hour chat with Sarah, she was acting and talking just like Elizabeth acts when she's really nervous, but happy.

I went back to Sarah's work about a week later. I needed to get the name of a physio place she had mentioned during our first meeting, as I'm having a similar joint issue to her. But it was of course also an excuse to see her again.

We only got to chat for 30min, but she seemed very happy to see me. Almost giddy happy; a bit nervous.

I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk, she declined because she was at work, but I thought I saw the sense that she wanted to say yes. But my read could be wrong.

Before I left, she asked me TWICE in the span of just a few minutes to come back and tell her how it's going with physio once a I have a couple appointments.

Our 3rd recent interaction happened about a week later. My family and I were at the park just setting our stuff up, when I heard someone call to me. It was Sarah out for a walk.

We had a brief chat, and I introduced her to my family.

About 5 days later I went back to her work, as she requested I do. I wanted to see her, but also say thank-you for helping me with the physio.

Her demeanour had changed drastically. We talked for about 10 minutes. She was pleasant, and I thought I saw hints of warmth towards me when she talked about a couple things, but it seemed like she had put up a wall to keep me out.

I'm at a loss as to whether I did something wrong towards her (I can't think of anything), or if after seeing my family and knowing there's no future, she's trying to protect herself? Or if she thought I was only there for inappropriate reasons and didn't want any part of that? Or another answer?

She made an excuse about something with work, rushed off, and that was the end of that meeting.

2 days later I was driving around a neighbourhood doing some work, which as turns out happens to be where she lives. I saw her walking her dogs. I stopped to say hi, and was going to take the opportunity to apologize for whatever I'd done at the last interaction to elicit that response.

But she quickly just smiled, said she didn't have time to chat, and quickly walked off.

That's the last time I've now seen her.

I believe people don't do the things they should, they don't take the risks they should, they don't say the things they should say, out of fear. I generally don't live my life that way. So I decided to write her a letter telling her exactly how I feel. I imagined a future 40 years from now, we're both 80, and I still haven't told her that I love her. This possible future scared me a lot more than any nervousness I had about telling her my feelings.

I made it clear in the letter how much I love her, I also told her that I have no desire for an affair, and I love my wife dearly. I gave her my email if she ever wanted to talk, but also told her that if she doesn't, she'll never see me again. I told her how amazing she is, that she'd make an incredible wife and mother, and wished her all the best.

5 days later her dad emails me and makes it clear I'm not to contact her again. It was a pretty strongly worded email.

I've tried reaching out to him to meet with him, or ask if there's anything I can do to make it right. He's ignored me. I'm now worried I've hurt her.

I went into sending the letter without much understanding if she had feelings for me. But after the dad's response, and thinking back on our interactions about each detail, I'm starting to wonder if she did have feelings, and if by sending that letter I've opened up old wounds.

That's it. Tell it to me straight as you can.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're creeping her out. 

Stop all contact now before these people call the the police on you. She might have been fine to catch up at first but now realizes you have feelings that she does not share and you have made her uncomfortable. 

1 hour ago, Missed Conection said:

I'm starting to wonder if she did have feelings, and if by sending that letter I've opened up old wounds.

Highly unlikely.  Your behaviour is inappropriate for a married man and the letter was over-the-top. I would have been spectacularly weirded out, in her shoes. 

[La.Primavera]

I think limerence has completely clouded your judgement and common sense.

You have been unfaithful to your wife. If you don't believe that, show her the letter and see how quickly your marriage falls apart.

Saying that you don't want to have an affair and comparing her to your wife doesn't make this innocent, nor does it make it acceptable to confess your love for another woman.  

You unloaded your feelings on this other woman, and for what? You don't want to leave your wife or have an affair, so what do you want from her? To make her suffer in silence, pinning for you while you have comfort of your wife at home? If you believed she had feelings for you, then what you did was selfish and cruel. There was nothing to gain from this.  

It is impossible to know what is in her heart, but based on her actions and involving her father suggests that she does not feel comfortable speaking to you directly and wants to distance herself completely. For that reason, I don't think she has romantic feelings for you. She has more respect for your marriage than you do right now and is setting strong boundaries so you will leave her alone.

I tried to think of a softer way of writing my response, but you need a wake up call before you screw your life up over a fantasy.  If you think this might be limerence or something else, it might be worth speaking to a therapist for some support to help you let go.

 

 

[Missed Conection]

I appreciate the honest words.

I went into writing the letter trying to be as critical of my thoughts as I could, and thought the most likely answer was she didn't have feelings for me. So in writing the letter she might think I'm a fool, and ignore me and move on. While I would get some closure as she'd finally know my feelings, and then I also just move on. I guess at the time that's all I was looking for, was closure.

But the response I got made me second guess that. The response could be construed as they think I was stalking her, which I wasn't. I grew up with them. Her parents know me very well. If I wanted to stalk her, I would have a decade ago. I left her alone until this accidental encounter.
The other option to read into the response is she does have feelings, but there's no future there so they're helping protect her. With that idea, I started looking more critically at her actions, and I'm starting to see that maybe there was signs that she did, and if that's the case, then my letter wasn't water off a ducks back for her, and probably caused her hurt. She would now know how close she came to having the thing she wanted most; marriage and kids. 

So now I'm paranoid that I've hurt her; that's not how I wanted to part ways.
And if I have hurt her, is there a way to make amends and ask forgiveness without just making it worse? That's what I'm now stewing on.

Most of the time I have very good judgment. I built my business off of making tough calls, and the right calls, in spite of whatever emotion I might have about the situation. But I'll freely admit, seeing her again threw me for a loop and it's been very hard sorting through what's going on.

Limerence seems possible, I've just started learning about that today. But It also seems a bit extreme for what I've dealt with over the previous couple decades. I was in love with her without a doubt, but it didn't consume me or drive me to do anything. I just lived with it and for the most part just accepted that I loved her and likely always would and there's nothing else to do about it.
But perhaps the recent meeting pushed it into limerence? 
Talking to someone is definitely on the table. 

[Alpacalia]

Imagine being Sarah. An old childhood friend you haven't seen for 22 years suddenly reappears. You have several emotionally charged conversations. You discover that he's married with three children. Then, after you've started distancing yourself, he gives you a letter saying that he has loved you for decades, that you're an extraordinary woman who would have made an incredible wife and mother, and that he's imagined what life with you might have been like.

All the while you're married.

You now know that she wants distance...and respecting that distance is the clearest way you can demonstrate that your love for her is about her wellbeing rather than your need to resolve the uncertainty.

I'd strongly consider talking to a therapist....you now have 25 years of unresolved attachment plus a marriage you value all tangled together. If I put myself in Elizabeth's position, I'd likely consider this important information when deciding what kind of marriage I'm in.

[Missed Conection]

Thank-you for the response.

It does come down to what's best for her at this point. Do you think there is a path where I can ask forgiveness and make amends and she might appreciate that? Or is anything I do at this point going to make things worse for her?

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Missed Conection said:

Or is anything I do at this point going to make things worse for her?

This. 

These people have already asked you to stop. Ignoring that would be foolish and likely to land you in hot water both with law enforcement and your wife. It's time to respect the boundaries Sarah has put up.

No more contact at all. 

[flitzanu]

17 hours ago, Missed Conection said:

But the response I got made me second guess that. 

Lovelanguage quiz

 

there is no second guessing anything, no one has done anything confusing, this girl's father literally told you to stay away and stop talking to her.  

that means "stop talking to her"

there is no secret meaning or hidden feelings, this is a 40 year old woman that is so freaked out by you she had HER FATHER respond to you.  

the next step will be the police i'm sure knocking at your door if you keep this up.

you've fantasized and romanticized this entirely into something that doesn't exist.