Jrdinvt Posted September 21 Posted September 21 Here I go - need some advice. Married for nearly 10 years - it's been a love story - but the whole vibe is off now. Background: Both successful and grounded. Two children (mine from a previous marriage - one in high school and the other is out of the house - we have a wonderful relationship). We also have a elementary school age child together who is the sweetest thing in the world! I have always been about show and I love being adored (I am a leo - it is what it is) and she's more about the simple things in life - very low maintenance. My childhood was pretty much the perfect situation. Her childhood was less so, with an absent father and her mother remarrying a great guy / role model step dad. Her true father has re-entered the picture and he's still a pretty poor example of a father - nevertheless a man. I am disappointed she's giving him another shot - but I get it's her father and she needs to determine it. Her family (other than her DNA father) is VERY involved with our lives - they provide child care to our youngest, but there are check-ins multiple times per day via phone or facetime. She initiates that - but they also do. It's somewhat annoyed me, but it's out of love so I tend to push those feelings of annoyance aside. My the relationships I have with my family are random contact, but we all know we were be there for each other at the drop of a hat. Perhaps we chat 2-3 times per month. I am in my late 40s and she's in her late 30s. We used to be a power couple, and I'd say that even lasted through the wee years of our youngest. We would go out and have a blast - we would go out often all dressed to the nines and it felt like all eyes were on us - we were life of the party. Lots of sex! Tons of sex - and the best best best sex! At least 2 times per week. Now she's not really into going out as much and sex might be monthly. It seems she's always tired and would rather take a nap - or sleep in - or go to bed early. She does always tell me how great I look and is quick with compliments. I don't think she's depressed, but as this behaviour continued I have tried to figure it out by overthinking the heck out of it. I went through the following process: 1) Wait for it to change while I continue with my supportive husband doing nice things and great father role (3-4 months). 2) Communicate about my feelings (2-3 times). 3) She said she would change (2-3 times). 4) Nothing had changed, and I have gone from annoyed to angry and I am doing far less nice for her husband things (random surprises, gifts, planning events, etc). 5) Second guessing myself. I am a very involved father. I love spending time with the kids, but my youngest gravitates to my wife more (probably the age) often, but we do have some great family and 1:1 time. I do ALL the cooking, most of the laundry and cleaning - and this made me become a bit bitter over time. Without going into the depths of work schedules, I believe there is time for more assistance with things around the home than actually happen. I know 50:50 does not really ever a thing - some days it is 10:90, 80:20, and so on...but I think the idea of it falling on me more finally broke me...and I just stopped. Apparently it didn't matter because nothing improved - and now it's adding up. I am now short - I am quick to dismiss everything - I WILL NOT initiate sex because it's more often than not a rejection, or there is a discussion around it during the day in a flirty way that come bedtime ends with her being too tired. I am tired to having my hopes crushed. Both of our careers have been demanding, and while we are successful, there is no real feeling of "winning" at our careers - just due to the nature of our careers. I upped my drinking to mask the poor attitude I had - but that was short lived - I just felt worse and worse. Now I am back to sober and feeling ALL the feelings. I think that makes the most sense for me right now, and the clear head helps with direction - so here I am on the relationship forum asking for advice. Is this normal aging? I have been reading about pre-menopause, but I cannot confirm that's it. Also - I am nearing my 50s - and I am older now. Am I just cranky? I don't want to be a cranky man. We are both pretty active, healthy, and driven - but this is a big wedge that is not looking like it's going to pass any time soon. If you read all this - thanks. Part of it was just getting it off my chest.
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