It might be me...

[Jrdinvt]

Here I go - need some advice.  Married for nearly 10 years - it's been a love story - but the whole vibe is off now.  

Background:

Both successful and grounded.  Two children (mine from a previous marriage - one in high school and the other is out of the house - we have a wonderful relationship).  We also have a elementary school age child together who is the sweetest thing in the world! 

I have always been about show and I love being adored (I am a leo - it is what it is) and she's more about the simple things in life - very low maintenance.  My childhood was pretty much the perfect situation.  Her childhood was less so, with an absent father and her mother remarrying a great guy / role model step dad.  Her true father has re-entered the picture and he's still a pretty poor example of a father - nevertheless a man.  I am disappointed she's giving him another shot - but I get it's her father and she needs to determine it. 

Her family (other than her DNA father) is VERY involved with our lives - they provide child care to our youngest, but there are check-ins multiple times per day via phone or facetime.  She initiates that - but they also do.  It's somewhat annoyed me, but it's out of love so I tend to push those feelings of annoyance aside.  My the relationships I have with my family are random contact, but we all know we were be there for each other at the drop of a hat.  Perhaps we chat 2-3 times per month.  

I am in my late 40s and she's in her late 30s.  We used to be a power couple, and I'd say that even lasted through the wee years of our youngest.  We would go out and have a blast - we would go out often all dressed to the nines and it felt like all eyes were on us - we were life of the party.  Lots of sex!  Tons of sex - and the best best best sex!  At least 2 times per week.  Now she's not really into going out as much and sex might be monthly. It seems she's always tired and would rather take a nap - or sleep in - or go to bed early.  She does always tell me how great I look and is quick with compliments.  I don't think she's depressed, but as this behaviour continued I have tried to figure it out by overthinking the heck out of it. 

I went through the following process:

1) Wait for it to change while I continue with my supportive husband doing nice things and great father role (3-4 months).

2) Communicate about my feelings (2-3 times). 

3) She said she would change (2-3 times).

4) Nothing had changed, and I have gone from annoyed to angry and I am doing far less nice for her husband things (random surprises, gifts, planning events, etc). 

5) Second guessing myself.  

I am a very involved father.  I love spending time with the kids, but my youngest gravitates to my wife more (probably the age) often, but we do have some great family and 1:1 time.  I do ALL the cooking, most of the laundry and cleaning - and this made me become a bit bitter over time.  Without going into the depths of work schedules, I believe there is time for more assistance with things around the home than actually happen.  I know 50:50 does not really ever a thing - some days it is 10:90, 80:20, and so on...but I think the idea of it falling on me more finally broke me...and I just stopped.  Apparently it didn't matter because nothing improved - and now it's adding up.  I am now short - I am quick to dismiss everything - I WILL NOT initiate sex because it's more often than not a rejection, or there is a discussion around it during the day in a flirty way that come bedtime ends with her being too tired.  I am tired to having my hopes crushed.  

Both of our careers have been demanding, and while we are successful, there is no real feeling of "winning" at our careers - just due to the nature of our careers.  I upped my drinking to mask the poor attitude I had - but that was short lived - I just felt worse and worse.  Now I am back to sober and feeling ALL the feelings.  I think that makes the most sense for me right now, and the clear head helps with direction - so here I am on the relationship forum asking for advice.  

Is this normal aging?  I have been reading about pre-menopause, but I cannot confirm that's it.  Also - I am nearing my 50s - and I am older now.  Am I just cranky?  I don't want to be a cranky man.  We are both pretty active, healthy, and driven - but this is a big wedge that is not looking like it's going to pass any time soon.

 

If you read all this - thanks.  Part of it was just getting it off my chest.