4 months of headaches and red flags why does it still hurt

[WorldTraveler]

I’m a 34M she is 26. I accepted a job in a new city a week after our first date. She guilt tripped me for doing that despite only knowing her for a week prior. She told me how if it was her, she would have chose the potential of a future together over a job any day. 

She comes from an incredibly dysfunctional household and unfortunately has a history of trauma from sexual assault and an abusive ex. There was no honeymoon phase as we had multiple serious talks within the first month. During which she would acknowledge that she was screwing things up between us, start crying and apologize, and then tell me how she’s going to work on herself because she sees what an amazing man I am and desperately wants a future together.

During our second month, she told me how she loves me and wants to marry me and have kids with me while also talking about moving in with me in my new city. I took this as lovebombing and during this time, I saw what gaslighting looked like for the first time too. 

She is severely insecure about her body and self image and that bled into our relationship as she would almost need constant reassurance that she was pretty or was always requesting more compliments. Sex was bizarre and always on her terms. She was very sexual and would get aroused incredibly fast but could also become turned off in a matter of seconds and stop any further touch. I couldn’t look at her naked without her being comfortable despite her claiming that I’m the best man she’s ever dated and how grateful she was for me and the trust she had in me. 

She very likely has an alcohol use disorder as she frequently gets drunk 2-3 times per week, sometimes as far as a blackout. This is usually when things would be worse between us and when small arguments or fights would take place because of her taking things out of context or misinterpreting things. 

I say all this because even though I can acknowledge ALL the bad that clearly outweighs the good, I’m still hurt and will miss her for some reason. It was a mutual breakup with her saying how we’re both not happy and how she envisions her future partner as someone who dresses a different way than I do. Wants her future partner to share some of the hobbies that she enjoys… and I hate to admit it, but part of me was staying with her because I saw her as a safety net. A bridge back to my hometown should my new job in my new city not work out. So now that we’re  done, I view that bridge as collapsed and I think that’s what I’m really grieving instead of her. 

I just don’t understand how I choose to put myself through this. I’ve dated some really great women in the past, yet also have attracted some rather crazy ones with traumatic pasts like this one. 

Edited September 20 by WorldTraveler

[basil67]

I don't understand why either of you continued the relationship after accepting a job in a new city.   If I were her and we were only one date in, I'd say "Oh, I guess that's that then.  Good luck with your future"

[ShyViolet]

On 9/20/2026 at 5:30 PM, WorldTraveler said:

I accepted a job in a new city a week after our first date. She guilt tripped me for doing that despite only knowing her for a week prior. She told me how if it was her, she would have chose the potential of a future together over a job any day. 

 

This right here should have been the point where you recognized that she was crazy and cut ties with her.  You really need to take a look at your own bad choices and why you used such poor judgment in this relationship.  It never should have gone on for as long as it did.

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

This right here should have been the point where you recognized that she was crazy and cut ties with her.  You really need to take a look at your own bad choices and why you used such poor judgment in this relationship.  It never should have gone on for as long as it did.

Intimacybuilding exercises

 

I can admit her comment was selfish and did upset me, but I try to see the good in people. And I guess I wanted to see things through. But during the four quick months, the cracks quickly began to show.

 However I’m meeting with a therapist tomorrow to figure things out. Because despite all these red flags, despite being told by her own father that she is “difficult” I still miss her. I still am left feeling like if I did things differently things might be different or she might not have acted in the negative ways she did. But I’m trying to separate my feelings because I think what I really miss and what I’m grieving is the potential of a future with her as she wanted to raise a family in my hometown within the next two years.

[lemonicetea]

41 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I can admit her comment was selfish and did upset me, but I try to see the good in people. And I guess I wanted to see things through. But during the four quick months, the cracks quickly began to show.

 However I’m meeting with a therapist tomorrow to figure things out. Because despite all these red flags, despite being told by her own father that she is “difficult” I still miss her. I still am left feeling like if I did things differently things might be different or she might not have acted in the negative ways she did. But I’m trying to separate my feelings because I think what I really miss and what I’m grieving is the potential of a future with her as she wanted to raise a family in my hometown within the next two years.

I can actually really relate to this. I once dated a guy for almost two years who was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. Like you, I tried to look for the good in people and chalked his behavior up to having a rough childhood. Like the abuse built up slowly over time and am I very nostalgic for the early parts in our relationship when things were good. Like I keep thinking about what if there was an alternate universe where he wasn’t an abuser and we can live out our lives together. 
 

So yeah I totally get why you miss her, but do not, I repeat do not, reach out to her again. I think going to a therapist might be a good idea. 

[WorldTraveler]

2 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

I can actually really relate to this. I once dated a guy for almost two years who was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. Like you, I tried to look for the good in people and chalked his behavior up to having a rough childhood. Like the abuse built up slowly over time and am I very nostalgic for the early parts in our relationship when things were good. Like I keep thinking about what if there was an alternate universe where he wasn’t an abuser and we can live out our lives together. 
 

Couplescounseling directory

 

So yeah I totally get why you miss her, but do not, I repeat do not, reach out to her again. I think going to a therapist might be a good idea. 

Yeah I don’t plan to as I think friends and family would disown me if I did knowing everything I’ve told them. But yeah if she reached out, the sad, homesick part of me would consider it before the logical side of me stepped in hopefully.

[ExpatInItaly]

Dysfuntion attracts dysfunction. 

A therapist can help you identify and manage your own dysfunctional behaviour and mentality. That is where you will find true healing, and when you do, you will wonder why you attached yourself to this person to begin with. 

[flitzanu]

17 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

I can admit her comment was selfish and did upset me, but I try to see the good in people. And I guess I wanted to see things through. But during the four quick months, the cracks quickly began to show.

 However I’m meeting with a therapist tomorrow to figure things out. Because despite all these red flags, despite being told by her own father that she is “difficult” I still miss her. I still am left feeling like if I did things differently things might be different or she might not have acted in the negative ways she did. But I’m trying to separate my feelings because I think what I really miss and what I’m grieving is the potential of a future with her as she wanted to raise a family in my hometown within the next two years.

and you thought these qualities would make her a great mother to your children?

[WorldTraveler]

4 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

and you thought these qualities would make her a great mother to your children?

No not exactly but seeing her interact with her niece and nephew and even my best friends kids for the first time kinda made me melt. So I guess my brain only focused on that aspect.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

No not exactly but seeing her interact with her niece and nephew and even my best friends kids for the first time kinda made me melt. So I guess my brain only focused on that aspect.

It sounds like you don't have good judgment in general then. 

We can see someone behave well on a few occasions but still recognize they've got some deeply problematic behaviour overall, which renders them an unsuitable candidate for partnernship (let alone parenthood) A drunk isn't going to be to adequately care for children on an ongoing basis. You have been, for whatever reaosn, in denial about the bigger picture. 

Do you tend to be impulsive or otherwise use faulty judgement in other areas of your life? 

[WorldTraveler]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like you don't have good judgment in general then. 

We can see someone behave well on a few occasions but still recognize they've got some deeply problematic behaviour overall, which renders them an unsuitable candidate for partnernship (let alone parenthood) A drunk isn't going to be to adequately care for children on an ongoing basis. You have been, for whatever reaosn, in denial about the bigger picture. 

Do you tend to be impulsive or otherwise use faulty judgement in other areas of your life? 

No I see who she is at this point as a manipulator. She gaslit and lovebombed me and likely has something to do with her dysfunctional upbringing and unfortunate trauma history. I have no desire to go back to someone like that and honestly with time hope to continue to understand her actions better as I reflect and work through therapy.

I wouldn’t say I use faulty judgement but I will say decision making is a weak spot for me. Talking major life decisions like career changes, moving cities, and I suppose relationship decisions as well.  

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I wouldn’t say I use faulty judgement but I will say decision making is a weak spot for me.

In what way? 

47 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

No I see who she is at this point as a manipulator. She gaslit and lovebombed me

That may well be true, but it's going to be important that you focus on more on yourself now. Do the deep-dive on yourself to figure out why you were attracted to this and didn't recognize and heed the red flags soon. Otherwise, you will probably end up in similarly bad relationships in the future. 

[WorldTraveler]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In what way? 

That may well be true, but it's going to be important that you focus on more on yourself now. Do the deep-dive on yourself to figure out why you were attracted to this and didn't recognize and heed the red flags soon. Otherwise, you will probably end up in similarly bad relationships in the future. 

I tend to waver with my decisions to the point of analysis paralysis. A lot of flip flopping. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I tend to waver with my decisions to the point of analysis paralysis. A lot of flip flopping. 

How do you suppose faulty judgement doens't factor into that flip-flopping about a relationship like this one? 

Better judgment would mean there would be little to no flip-flopping on that. 

[Carlston]

On 9/22/2026 at 2:59 AM, WorldTraveler said:

I can admit her comment was selfish and did upset me, but I try to see the good in people

This is a ridiculous statement given the cicumstances.

[Alpacalia]

The first red flag ignored was the first time you felt like you had to abandon something important in your own life to prove that you were committed to someone you'd barely met.

You don't necessarily have to figure out why she was the way she was in order to understand why you stayed. Your own pattern...intensity, being needed, seeing potential, and tolerating early incompatibilities...is probably the more useful thing to examine.