Me an 18M trying to figure out what to do pls i need advice

[iZaak9mm]

Well um this is my first post talking about this and i don't really know what to do sorry if my english is bad in secondhand it's not my first language

Last year i fell in love with a girl with the same age as me (ima call her F) i ended up talking with F because she was friend of a girl i liked back then (A) i asked F for help to get A because they were friends at the end F told that A liked another man she said that to me bc she was getting hurt of seeing me chasing a girl that doesn't want me

a couple weeks later she broke up with his bf who is my best friend (D) one day she approached me crying asking me if i knew that D was talking with her ex which i said No but actually Yes i didn't know how to react it happened too quick

Me and F ended up in a type of situationship we started to talk 24/7 make calls 24/7 sleep in calls and that corny stuff

One day i tried to open up myself with her cuz i was feeling a little bit lonely like i thought i didn't matter to most of my friends or family and that stuff but she ghosted me for like 1 week

On a Friday i was walking with D over the school and i saw F and A taking a walk too F saw me and she approached me asking why i don't talk to her i got mad bc she was the only one who ghosted me she said that she did it bc she didn't know how to react either bc she mas too worried about me

At time i wasn't used to that type of worry because nobody treated me that way she made me feel like i mattered and i liked that but i was too stupid back then and i tried to cut that friendship

I spent a couple months without her then i felt lost like i lost one of the most important things in my life, i started to miss her and all that stuff

a couple weeks later a started to notice that she was talking bad things about me behind my back i confronted her she said she was hurt because i left but we never tried to talk to each other because of pride i tried to apologize she rejected it i begged and she told me to stop so i did by the time i was thinking i couldn't live with her (i was too foolish by the time im still being foolish but not that much im still young)

a couple months later a friend told me he liked F (ima call this friend O) idk why but every girl i liked he start to like too (he is not my friend no more) he tried to confess his love to her i cheered him up F ended up rejecting him i was SOOO relieved i know its wrong but i still tried to cheer him up

He never stopped trying something with her

at the beginning of this year she texted me right out of nothing we got the situationship back but not with the same level as before she started to claim things like we were in a actual relationship cute nicknames and all that "corny stuff" ykwim

We came back from vacations and we started to see each other again it was good while it lasted because one day i saw her and O kissing and my heart got shattered into pieces i didn't do anything because in first place we weren't in an actual relationship i didn't even got to cry because of the shock

i went home i tried to get some sleep trying to escape what i saw but i started to cry and cry i was too fcked up

after that i saw them kissing like 2-3 times in different times

someone said to me that she was trying to get one of my friends to the prom dance

and i saw her being too affectionate to another friend

so i figured out that she doesn't love anyone she just wants a roster of men

i tried to talk about this with some hg and hb they all js said the same "leave her"

but i didn't wanted to because i thought i really could change her, i thought i was special because i was the "first one" i was the only one who came to help her when she broke up with D i was the only one who stayed there 24/7 for her even when we're not doing anything

O heard all the things i said about her with my friends and he told F he snitched on me he made me confess my love for her i never threw up sign that i was in love with her

She rejected me, no worries bc i wasn't seeking for an answer i was js tryna get that out of my chest

We started talking more often, started to use those corny nicknames again

she started to feed me with breadcrumbs of love and i was aware of it

i was aware of all that, i was aware that she didn't love me, aware that she don't love anyone, aware that she was just playing with everyone but i accepted it because IT WAS HER

someday i started to get bored of the same ambiguity i started to lose feelings for her or thats what i thought because she came back again to feed me with some breadcrumbs of affection

she started to be more dominant right out of nothing, talkin about make me hers like i was a kind of dog or something i didn't mind it bc she tries to act tough but when i say something like that she gets shy and it was cute

she started to talk me about some actual relationship and i said yes "everything with you" she felt regret because we are close to finish high school she is in the school band and a lot of barriers and she felt regret because she cant give me the love i deserve

for me it didn't matter as long i've stayed with her

i waited 2 days to ask her what are we gonna do she responded with more ambiguity and i left the topic

we never got to nothing yet im getting tired of ambiguity rn i js ghost her sometimes i respond sometimes i don't

for now i dont have feelings for her or thats what i think my mind is not feeling anything for her but i guess my heart does

last night i was in a party F was there O was there A was there i knew it was a bad idea to go but i didn't wanted to be disrespectful with a friend so i went to the party i got drunk i was in the bathroom doing a call with some friend F knocked the door bc they were playing truth or dare with alcohol and they wanted me there i hung up the call and opened the door and F was too close too me my first thought was "i forgot how pretty her eyes were" i seated down i grabbed my phone and texted her that she giggles i immediately i retracted what i said and i told her to her to delete all that that i was bullshitin that i was js drunk

a couple of rounds they dared her to sit on my lap and so she did while she was looking at me

i was drunk i started to catch feelings again but something was feeling wrong so i stayed in the phone the whole night i texted my gc with my friends feeling regret for what happened bc i didnt wanted to fail my friends like that bc they are tired of seeing me upset for the one and only girl and i get it

my single excuse is i was drunk

i was drunk texting and i did what i did

even if it feels wrong

soooo yeah i think i skipped some parts but ill remember on the way and ill update the post soo

what yall think

pls dont be mean

its kinda fcked up at least for me

**TL;DR;** i want to be with her but is exhausting

[Gebidozo]

Cut off all contact with F.

Don’t call her, don’t text her.

You can’t move on unless you stop communicating with her.

[iZaak9mm]

58 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Cut off all contact with F.

Don’t call her, don’t text her.

You can’t move on unless you stop communicating with her.

i tried but she keeps claming me stuff like "why you don't talk with me" "do u hate me?" we still haven't finished high school sooo ill keep seeing her for a few months even if i don't want to