Self forgiveness and beating shame

[Packers13579]

Hi everyone. 
 

I was the other man. I had a big crush on a married coworker and then one day she confessed her feelings to me. I was lost from that point forward. Our emotional affair grew and grew for 3 months. We ‘ended’ things, and then backslid a few months later and slept together twice. 
 

I ended things, but ultimately felt like it couldn’t truly end while still in contact at work. I got a new job, in a new city. 
 

I’m now six months into my new life and really struggling. I felt like an addict during the affair, and when I look back on my actions, I am so disappointed in myself. I always feel like I deeply violated a family. I used to be confident, friendly, funny. And now I mostly just feel dead inside. Like everything in life is covered in a thick film of my shame. 
 

My brain ruminates constantly like it is trying to go back in time and make different choices. I know that I need to somehow find a path to self forgiveness and starting to feel like I’m actually living my life again. But it often feels impossible. Any words of support? Or anyone who has made it out the other end and mostly forgiven themselves?

[ExpatInItaly]

A serious question - do you tend to suffer from intrusive thoughts or rumination in other areas of your life? 

[Packers13579]

Somewhat. Never like this before. I have worked with a psychologist who said I have a “sticky” brain

[Gebidozo]

First of all, in an affair, the married partner is much more culpable than the unmarried one, because they are the one who’s actually cheating. The unmarried affair partner is like an accessory to the crime, not the criminal.

It looks like you had very strong feelings for that woman. Was there ever any chance that she divorced and you ended up together? Is there still a chance? Do you love her? Does she love you?

These matters aren’t always simple, but at any rate you should forgive yourself. You ended the affair, it’s done. Many people would be unable to do that, dragging affairs for years. We all make mistakes and do things that we know aren’t right. Look forward, as the past can’t be changed anymore.