Update

[Tagalz]

Hey! 

I have an update regarding the breakup. I have to make a new thread as the previous one had been over 1 month old. 

For the new people coming to this thread I can try to summarize and give the short version, altough the longer version is better and more detailed. I will write down the short version but for people here that wants to get the whole detailed story - you can find it on my profiles. 

Short version: Dated F(31) on and off for about 5 months. During our first 3 months was stressfull for me because she gave me hot and cold behaviour which made me stress when we separated. She took 1 or 2 days to answer, but we still manage to meet every weekend and it was lots of intimacy.She loved bombed me the 2 date by kissing me alot and also talked about her two exes. F(31) have had two exes both cheated on her. The first one was her EX husband. They were married for 7 years with no kids. He cheated so she divorced him in late 2024. Shortly after she jumps into another relationship which last entire 2025. He also cheated. Just under 1 month she meets me.  We did same activities like movie night, gaming night, cooking dinner, eat dinner at restaurant and beer at a bar. 

She breaks up saying she does not have romantic feelings and that she want to go back to her EX which she was in relationship in 2025. (Not EX HUSBAND). She wants to be friends but I say no. 

Complete silence afterwards, but she do comes back in June. We reconcile. She talks about what she needs and I do the same. Was a very meaningful conversation where she says that she needs a man who can lead and not be passive but at the same time she feels that I'm stressing to make everything perfect for her. I say that I needed trust and safety which I did not feel because she broke my trust by breaking up with me first time and go back to her EX. 

Our roles were reversed. The first time I was ready but she was not. Second time I was not ready because I was still trying to heal after the first breakup, while she seems to be 100% over her EX and ready to commit. I was being more cautious because I wanted to protect my own heart and regain my peace back. 

I reject her offer for intimacy in a rude way. That is what alot of people here seem to agree on that this was the breaking point to her breaking up with me for the second time. I would say THAT THIS IS THE REASON. She did that on text. Her reason was that she does not have romantic feelings and that she says I don't have the qualities she looks after in a partner. 

We did date exclusively only the second time when she came back. Yes she did update me on what she was doing and if she was out party she would update me when she was home. It's a good way to build trust yea but that's bare minimum. Trust takes time and it cannot be build by meeting me two times. 

This was as short as I could summarize for the new people coming in. 

The aftermath: 

There are days where I feel good and some days I don't. I still care about her as I do have feelings but it has slowly died down and I could see this more as a friendship. On those days where I feel anxious I do notice that my mind goes often in the past and I end up asking this question: What if I did not reject her, would we still be in relationship? and you can guess that everytime this question comes up I always have new answer to that. I think that our relationship started off shaky to begin with. She was a mess and she needed time to figure things out. Since it started off bad it kinda continued further. Like I even did not feel like myself the second time. She wanted the version of me when she met me at the start where I was less cautious and less passive but that Guy is not there anymore as she killed that character by breaking my trust. What I'm trying to say is that it's the matter of timing was wrong. Altough it is that's how life is. It is what it is. She seem to agree on that statement of mine. 

If her EX was not in the picture would this relationship have worked out? Yea I'd say so. Nevertheless I can still learn from it and to rather reject in a polite way. 

I did text her saying: "I know it's random, but I have always wanted to say this to you. If I don't, I will regret it. You don't have to respond. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything that happened. To be honest, it still hurts me the way I rejected you, especially towards someone you're interested in, and your feelings afterwards are completely valid. The best thing I can do is to learn from it. I think we met at the wrong time in our lives. Our relationship was marked by uncertainty from the start, and I have my own situation to deal with, like you previously wrote, but I will always cherish the time we spent together. 

I'd be lying if I said I don't think about you, because I do. A lot. I miss you. I miss talking to you. That's because I care about you. It has come to a point where I accept that you can care about someone from afar, and still be happy that our paths crossed. 

I know I can't change the past, and I'm not expecting you to forgive me or anything. I wish things had turned out differently. If you still want to be friends, I'm all for it. Whether you decide to reply or not, I completely understand. I truly hope you're doing well <3"

[ExpatInItaly]

It's going to be hard but you need to stop all contact with her. 

You will not truly move on unless and until you do. This sort of thing often just keeps you stuck in the "Will she reply? Why hasn't she replied" or "What does her reply mean?" -place, which isn't healthy or conducive to moving forward. Please don't try to stay friends with her, either. It will hurt like hell if you do and you get to watch her fall in love with someone else. 

You are absolutely your own worst enemy here. 

[flitzanu]

but you're lying, you don't want to be "friends" with her, you're trying to be friends with her because you still miss her romantically and think that you can fix things.

like expat said above, how are you going to feel when she tells you about the amazing sex she's having with this new guy she's dating?

[Sanch62]

Anyone who has goals of healing to move forward and potentially find simpatico with a great match who will remove all doubt that you’re on the right path will ditch any contact with an ex, much less avoid trying to play friendzies with them.

That doesn’t just dilute your vision on the future you want to build, it keeps you trapped in stagnation with a split focus on fooling yourself.

Even if you believe you can successfully reduce your investment down to a friendship, you’re robbing yourself of the attention you need to expand other areas of your life. Even if you manage to find a date, you’ll be comparing her to this ex, and even if you find someone you’ll want to cultivate into a relationship, she’ll be put off by your involvement with an ex.

So none of this sounds like an update. It sounds like you’re still trapped by your focus on this ex, and you’re using a lot of words to try to convince yourself that this is progress. It isn’t, and I’m sorry. I hope you will update us on your new focus on cultivating new interests and friendships rather than your same old focus on the same old stuff. It’s only drilling you into a deeper hole to climb out of, and it’s not getting you anywhere healthy.