Update

[Tagalz]

Hey! 

I have an update regarding the breakup. I have to make a new thread as the previous one had been over 1 month old. 

For the new people coming to this thread I can try to summarize and give the short version, altough the longer version is better and more detailed. I will write down the short version but for people here that wants to get the whole detailed story - you can find it on my profiles. 

Short version: Dated F(31) on and off for about 5 months. During our first 3 months was stressfull for me because she gave me hot and cold behaviour which made me stress when we separated. She took 1 or 2 days to answer, but we still manage to meet every weekend and it was lots of intimacy.She loved bombed me the 2 date by kissing me alot and also talked about her two exes. F(31) have had two exes both cheated on her. The first one was her EX husband. They were married for 7 years with no kids. He cheated so she divorced him in late 2024. Shortly after she jumps into another relationship which last entire 2025. He also cheated. Just under 1 month she meets me.  We did same activities like movie night, gaming night, cooking dinner, eat dinner at restaurant and beer at a bar. 

She breaks up saying she does not have romantic feelings and that she want to go back to her EX which she was in relationship in 2025. (Not EX HUSBAND). She wants to be friends but I say no. 

Complete silence afterwards, but she do comes back in June. We reconcile. She talks about what she needs and I do the same. Was a very meaningful conversation where she says that she needs a man who can lead and not be passive but at the same time she feels that I'm stressing to make everything perfect for her. I say that I needed trust and safety which I did not feel because she broke my trust by breaking up with me first time and go back to her EX. 

Our roles were reversed. The first time I was ready but she was not. Second time I was not ready because I was still trying to heal after the first breakup, while she seems to be 100% over her EX and ready to commit. I was being more cautious because I wanted to protect my own heart and regain my peace back. 

I reject her offer for intimacy in a rude way. That is what alot of people here seem to agree on that this was the breaking point to her breaking up with me for the second time. I would say THAT THIS IS THE REASON. She did that on text. Her reason was that she does not have romantic feelings and that she says I don't have the qualities she looks after in a partner. 

We did date exclusively only the second time when she came back. Yes she did update me on what she was doing and if she was out party she would update me when she was home. It's a good way to build trust yea but that's bare minimum. Trust takes time and it cannot be build by meeting me two times. 

This was as short as I could summarize for the new people coming in. 

The aftermath: 

There are days where I feel good and some days I don't. I still care about her as I do have feelings but it has slowly died down and I could see this more as a friendship. On those days where I feel anxious I do notice that my mind goes often in the past and I end up asking this question: What if I did not reject her, would we still be in relationship? and you can guess that everytime this question comes up I always have new answer to that. I think that our relationship started off shaky to begin with. She was a mess and she needed time to figure things out. Since it started off bad it kinda continued further. Like I even did not feel like myself the second time. She wanted the version of me when she met me at the start where I was less cautious and less passive but that Guy is not there anymore as she killed that character by breaking my trust. What I'm trying to say is that it's the matter of timing was wrong. Altough it is that's how life is. It is what it is. She seem to agree on that statement of mine. 

If her EX was not in the picture would this relationship have worked out? Yea I'd say so. Nevertheless I can still learn from it and to rather reject in a polite way. 

I did text her saying: "I know it's random, but I have always wanted to say this to you. If I don't, I will regret it. You don't have to respond. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything that happened. To be honest, it still hurts me the way I rejected you, especially towards someone you're interested in, and your feelings afterwards are completely valid. The best thing I can do is to learn from it. I think we met at the wrong time in our lives. Our relationship was marked by uncertainty from the start, and I have my own situation to deal with, like you previously wrote, but I will always cherish the time we spent together. 

I'd be lying if I said I don't think about you, because I do. A lot. I miss you. I miss talking to you. That's because I care about you. It has come to a point where I accept that you can care about someone from afar, and still be happy that our paths crossed. 

I know I can't change the past, and I'm not expecting you to forgive me or anything. I wish things had turned out differently. If you still want to be friends, I'm all for it. Whether you decide to reply or not, I completely understand. I truly hope you're doing well <3"

[ExpatInItaly]

It's going to be hard but you need to stop all contact with her. 

You will not truly move on unless and until you do. This sort of thing often just keeps you stuck in the "Will she reply? Why hasn't she replied" or "What does her reply mean?" -place, which isn't healthy or conducive to moving forward. Please don't try to stay friends with her, either. It will hurt like hell if you do and you get to watch her fall in love with someone else. 

You are absolutely your own worst enemy here. 

[flitzanu]

but you're lying, you don't want to be "friends" with her, you're trying to be friends with her because you still miss her romantically and think that you can fix things.

like expat said above, how are you going to feel when she tells you about the amazing sex she's having with this new guy she's dating?

[Sanch62]

Anyone who has goals of healing to move forward and potentially find simpatico with a great match who will remove all doubt that you’re on the right path will ditch any contact with an ex, much less avoid trying to play friendzies with them.

That doesn’t just dilute your vision on the future you want to build, it keeps you trapped in stagnation with a split focus on fooling yourself.

Even if you believe you can successfully reduce your investment down to a friendship, you’re robbing yourself of the attention you need to expand other areas of your life. Even if you manage to find a date, you’ll be comparing her to this ex, and even if you find someone you’ll want to cultivate into a relationship, she’ll be put off by your involvement with an ex.

So none of this sounds like an update. It sounds like you’re still trapped by your focus on this ex, and you’re using a lot of words to try to convince yourself that this is progress. It isn’t, and I’m sorry. I hope you will update us on your new focus on cultivating new interests and friendships rather than your same old focus on the same old stuff. It’s only drilling you into a deeper hole to climb out of, and it’s not getting you anywhere healthy.

[Tagalz]

On 9/8/2026 at 8:52 PM, Sanch62 said:

Anyone who has goals of healing to move forward and potentially find simpatico with a great match who will remove all doubt that you’re on the right path will ditch any contact with an ex, much less avoid trying to play friendzies with them.

That doesn’t just dilute your vision on the future you want to build, it keeps you trapped in stagnation with a split focus on fooling yourself.

Even if you believe you can successfully reduce your investment down to a friendship, you’re robbing yourself of the attention you need to expand other areas of your life. Even if you manage to find a date, you’ll be comparing her to this ex, and even if you find someone you’ll want to cultivate into a relationship, she’ll be put off by your involvement with an ex.

So none of this sounds like an update. It sounds like you’re still trapped by your focus on this ex, and you’re using a lot of words to try to convince yourself that this is progress. It isn’t, and I’m sorry. I hope you will update us on your new focus on cultivating new interests and friendships rather than your same old focus on the same old stuff. It’s only drilling you into a deeper hole to climb out of, and it’s not getting you anywhere healthy.

I see what you're saying. That by keeping her an ex is red flag and it will keep me stuck in the past but I don't see it as that. It's okay to be friends with an ex as long as there is nothing more sexual or intimate moments, like just keeping it platonic. Imagine how it is for her then? It would be the same if she is dating someone new and that guy know that she is friends with an ex. Goes both ways. After all we were just dating for 4/5 months it's not that long. Like my EX GF of 3 years I'd say no to be friends with her. 

I've sent her the vulnerable text and made myself clear that it's just platonic. She confirmed she wants to be friends but she felt like there is no need to talk more about it and the my tone of voice seems to evoke some feelings inside of her because she said "It¨s super weird that you're having boundaries saying that it's just platonic right after you send me that bittersweet text. I just said I want to be friends nothing more. We can have a gaming session once you're open to be an adult :)))"

It's not to late I can still cut her off but it will be super weird then because I've just sent her the txt asking to be friends 

[Tagalz]

On 9/8/2026 at 5:55 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It's going to be hard but you need to stop all contact with her. 

You will not truly move on unless and until you do. This sort of thing often just keeps you stuck in the "Will she reply? Why hasn't she replied" or "What does her reply mean?" -place, which isn't healthy or conducive to moving forward. Please don't try to stay friends with her, either. It will hurt like hell if you do and you get to watch her fall in love with someone else. 

You are absolutely your own worst enemy here. 

I see, but now I've sent her the text tho so it's to late. I can just let her be on Snapchat and not reach out?  I've also noticed that she won't accept my friends request on IG so she knows that I'm not over her. 

[Tagalz]

On 9/8/2026 at 7:18 PM, flitzanu said:

but you're lying, you don't want to be "friends" with her, you're trying to be friends with her because you still miss her romantically and think that you can fix things.

like expat said above, how are you going to feel when she tells you about the amazing sex she's having with this new guy she's dating?

If I was over her I don't mind her telling me. Right now I think the best thing is to just keep her on Snapchat. To be honest I don't think she will ask me to play games so I just leave her on Snapchat without reaching out 

[Sanch62]

To avoid an active friendship, you don’t need a sledgehammer, just avoid contacting her. If she reaches out to you, simply avoid responding.

Free your mind to pursue healthy interests.

[Tagalz]

55 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

To avoid an active friendship, you don’t need a sledgehammer, just avoid contacting her. If she reaches out to you, simply avoid responding.

Free your mind to pursue healthy interests.

Yea I thought about the same. Just keep her on snap and do nothing. If she reaches out I just don't respond

[ExpatInItaly]

It could not be clearer now that she does not want to keep in much contact with you. 

Please take the hint and stop reaching out to her. 

[Tagalz]

22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It could not be clearer now that she does not want to keep in much contact with you. 

Please take the hint and stop reaching out to her. 

It could not be clearer? By that comment are you referring to when she wrote «to be an adult about it»?
 

if that’s so it gave me the ick to be honest. Yes I do agree it’s weird that after sending her vulnerable text I then mentioned being platonic when all she did was to say: «yes»

it’s unnecessary. I just don’t answered her by that. I’m just going to leave it as is and not create drama because of that comment. I rather spare my energy

Edited September 11 by Tagalz

[Alpacalia]

You did reject her offer of intimacy.

But that is very different from saying that you rejected the relationship or that your rejection was the reason the relationship ended. 

She initiated intimacy, which you rejected, apparently rather abruptly. After that, she made the decision to end the relationship, telling you that she no longer had romantic feelings and that you did not have the qualities she was looking for in a partner. So when you tell yourself, "I rejected her, and that's why we're not together," you are really combining two separate things.

You rejected an intimate moment, while she ultimately made the decision to reject continuing the relationship.

It wasn't necessarily simply bad timing. There were also compatibility issues, trust issues, unresolved baggage from her previous relationship, and different expectations about how the relationship should work.

Maybe you two could have worked under different circumstances. Maybe you couldn't have.

You'll probably never know.

Being friends right now probably wouldn’t work because you seem to still have feelings for her, miss her, and sometimes wonder what could have been. That means you wouldn’t truly be approaching the friendship from a neutral place. You could easily end up overanalyzing her messages, attention, or dating life and secretly hoping that things might change. There’s also too much unresolved history and broken trust between you for the relationship to simply turn into a normal friendship.

Maybe friendship could be possible someday, but right now you NEED distance rather than trying to stay in her life as a friend.

Edited September 11 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Tagalz said:

It could not be clearer? By that comment are you referring to when she wrote «to be an adult about it»?

No. I was referring to this: 

On 9/9/2026 at 11:21 PM, Tagalz said:

She confirmed she wants to be friends but she felt like there is no need to talk more about it

You are stating to make a nuisance of yourself at this point. Stop contacting her. 

[Tagalz]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No. I was referring to this: 

You are stating to make a nuisance of yourself at this point. Stop contacting her. 

I will

[Tagalz]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You did reject her offer of intimacy.

But that is very different from saying that you rejected the relationship or that your rejection was the reason the relationship ended. 

She initiated intimacy, which you rejected, apparently rather abruptly. After that, she made the decision to end the relationship, telling you that she no longer had romantic feelings and that you did not have the qualities she was looking for in a partner. So when you tell yourself, "I rejected her, and that's why we're not together," you are really combining two separate things.

You rejected an intimate moment, while she ultimately made the decision to reject continuing the relationship.

It wasn't necessarily simply bad timing. There were also compatibility issues, trust issues, unresolved baggage from her previous relationship, and different expectations about how the relationship should work.

Maybe you two could have worked under different circumstances. Maybe you couldn't have.

You'll probably never know.

Being friends right now probably wouldn’t work because you seem to still have feelings for her, miss her, and sometimes wonder what could have been. That means you wouldn’t truly be approaching the friendship from a neutral place. You could easily end up overanalyzing her messages, attention, or dating life and secretly hoping that things might change. There’s also too much unresolved history and broken trust between you for the relationship to simply turn into a normal friendship.

Maybe friendship could be possible someday, but right now you NEED distance rather than trying to stay in her life as a friend.

 It still hurts me that I rejected her offer for intimacy. The way I did it in my opinion is some of many reason as to why she broke up. If I can reframe this as:» She broke up because I rejected her intimacy and by rejecting intimacy it led to her losing interest.» regardless of how I reframe it you’re perspective I find very intriguing and interesting. «while she ultimately made the decision to reject continuing the relationship.» 

YES 100% Our relationship started off shaky, affected by her baggage's from previous relationships, lots of uncertainty, Trust issues and hot and cold behaviour as well. An adult relationship is not supposed to be like this. A partner should add value, peace and safety to a relationship. Even if we dated exclusively and she updated me when she was out partying which is a good way to build trust but that’s bare minimum. I could not regain trust even but that’s not suprising as trust needs time to build. 

Yes she did say she don’t have romantic feelings and that I don’t have the qualities she’s looking after but she did also write that I need to figure out my life situation. St the time we dated I had a job and was happy but after she broke up first time, I lost myself, i lost my job etc… so second time she came back I got a new job but quit because it was not a match. I’m mentioning that to say: «OH if I just had a job she would have stayed» no she would still broke up but yes she does have a point that I need to figure out my life situation. 

she’s 31 so it’s understandable she rushing. She doesn’t have alot of time. 

I’d say she was the right woman but wrong timing. 

I’m curious what do you mean by that we could work under different circumstances? 

[flitzanu]

i think a big issue here is, you seem to be listing off all these specific actions like they are things to mark off a list, and looking for unique events that "caused" this to happen, and completely ignoring the fact that emotions don't have to make any sense.  she can just not want to be with you, for no reason at all.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You're still going around and around in circles, OP. Nearly everything you posted here has already been discussed at length in your other thread. 

What other activities, events or projects have you got to look forward to? 

[Tagalz]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

i think a big issue here is, you seem to be listing off all these specific actions like they are things to mark off a list, and looking for unique events that "caused" this to happen, and completely ignoring the fact that emotions don't have to make any sense.  she can just not want to be with you, for no reason at all.

 

It's not about her not having a reason. It is the fact that she didn't develop romantic feelings and there is nothing I can do about it. Listing things makes me easier to learn my mistakes. I have to stop thinking that I could have change the outcome but I could have atleast affected the outcome if I were to go back and change what I did wrong. 

The way I rejected her could have contributed to her losing trust in the dynamic between me and her. I did things in the relationship that made it difficult. And the way she dropped me after meeting me two times confirms that it was sort of a "Test" where she wanted to see if her romantic feelings could develop. 

At the end of the day I think what we had was REAL, we had chemistry and something potential but the first breakup changed me while she could not develop further feelings. We did atleast try the second time to see if it would work and it didn't because our dynamic has changed. I do wish I had done things differently but I cannot for sure know if that would have changed her feelings. Meaning I could go back and do things differently and she still would not have develop feelings. It is something we don't know 

Edited September 11 by Tagalz

[E in N]

41 minutes ago, Tagalz said:

 It is something we don't know 

 

 

Find chemistry and potential with someone else.

It's out there. 

 

Edited September 11 by E in N

[Tagalz]

9 minutes ago, E in N said:

Find chemistry and potential with someone else.

It's out there. 

 

She does like me but it's that the chemistry is not there as she found out and then she had a change of heart. Which is valid. I Right now I don't think it's best to date. I need to focus on myself but I understand you 

[Tagalz]

On 9/11/2026 at 8:42 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

You're still going around and around in circles, OP. Nearly everything you posted here has already been discussed at length in your other thread. 

What other activities, events or projects have you got to look forward to? 

I am indeed going around circles. How can I not when I still have feelings. I have the answer and as we all have discussed the relationship is not healthy for me, she used me and it would not have lasted. I'm happy that it ended sooner rather than later. What I would say is that me rejecting an intimate moment abruptly have affected the dynamic yes, but it is not the whole reason for breakup. Both me and her did mistakes in the relationship but what actually is the difference here is that she did mistakes and I still choose her and stuck by her. I did mistake and she left. 

I'm down bad. I lost job and moved back to my parents. I'm takin a day at a time. Going out for a walk, journaling, speaking to a pshyciatrist, learning how to play squash and reading more books. I look forward to nations league when Norway is playing against Denmark, Wales and Portugal 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Tagalz said:

but what actually is the difference here is that she did mistakes and I still choose her and stuck by her.

This was not a healthy choice on your part, though. You should not have "stuck by" this woman. 

I am not sure you see that. 

[Tagalz]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was not a healthy choice on your part, though. You should not have "stuck by" this woman. 

I am not sure you see that. 

Thank you, ExpatInItaly. I appreciate your help.  

[smackie9]

You are making this into way more complex than it really is because you are trying to comprehend her behavior. It's simple...she follows a pattern of going to guy to guy when the opportunity is there to feed her ego. She has low self esteem, and is a hot mess. You don't see that because you obviously are obsessed, put her up on a pedestal, then got butt hurt over the rejection. You are still infatuated, in denial of your own behavior and are bartering with yourself. Next time, review their past pattern of their behavior, see it as a problem and don't get involved. She is one big red flag...just walk away, block, delete and eraser her from your life. Down the road when you look back at this you will ask yourself "What the f^%$ was I thinking?!" 

[Tagalz]

I need to conclude this because I don't want to keep this going and want to move on. I have went back to previous threads and read everyone's comment. One thing that all have in common is that we were not compatible and she was not the one for me. I want to summarize this in my own words and feelings to conclude this.

If I were to conclude this I'd say there is couple of reasons. Firstly I think I'm focusing way to much trying to figure out her behaviour rather than focusing on what I felt during the relationship. I don't want to say that I felt used but my feelings say so. Even if that was not her intention which I don't think it is because she is an honest person. I think it's the matter of her not knowing what she wants and that makes sense. After all I met her in a time where she was at a vulnerable place when it comes to love. Having recently got out of a relationship that lasted entire 2025 and meeting me shortly. No wonder why she went back to that EX. She probably thought: "This one will do for now" while I thought: "OMG this woman is all over me" She was a mess at the beginning without a doubt. That's also the reason why the dynamic changed which resulted in me feeling unsure and not secure in this relationship. Her behaviour of hot and cold behaviour + ghosting me would make me stress. Despite her red flags I stuck by her and was willing to see where this relation will take us. I could have left there but I didn't. Is it me being blinded by love? You could say so. 

Normally I don't think the past matters, we are adults so I do expect us to work through hardships regardless if it's love or other personal life stuff but her past seems to stay with her and she needs to confront her past trauma. I gave it my all at the beginning. I was emotionally stable, present, giving her validation, sexual etc.. and she still broke up. If her EX from 2025 was not in the picture would that have worked? I can see myself that it would yeah. It was so much uncertainty going on from the beginning the relationship was starting to be build around sex and quicksand. "A house cannot be build around quicksand" is a metaphor in Norwegian. 

I mentioned that she has been honest with me throughout this relationship which I appreciate. After just 2 months of dating she wanted to be friends with me. I don't know If I wrote this here or if you guys remember but it was the conversation we had on the phone where she told me that she can see that I have developed feelings while she has not and she wanted to let me know that. And when I said we call it off -  it was then she said she wanted to "Spare me" but upon asking more about what she meant by it she said "Friends" As you can see she could kind off foresee that. 

So the second time around yes I did a mistake rejecting her offer for intimacy but she ended the relationship. I don't know who wrote that but It was very well said. The fact that she dropped me just after meeting two times tells me she was not really in it for the long run. Was that the breaking point? Yea, but is that the main reason? No. Remember we had lots of sex at the beginning and she still broke up. Also I feel that she wanted the version of me that was less cautious which I were at the beginning but sadly that character has been killed by her. She already GOT the version of me when I was less cautious, more direct, romantic the whole package and she still dropped me. She broke my trust and I needed time to build it up while she did not need months to figure out her feelings. Atleast she tried to develop romantic feelings but didn't work and that's something I cannot control.

Also important part is the first meeting we had when she came back. That when she told med she was on a date with this another guy called Ronny. It was at that moment I knew not only did it not work out with her ex from 2025 but she tried to date Ronny to either get over her EX or to not fall back to me. Ultimately she went back to me which means I was her 3 choice. She could not find any better and because she was familiar with me it was easier to come back 

Even when she broke up she wrote that she feels that this is more of a friendship and not romantic. It made me think: What if I were more romantic, like holding hands when walking etc.. would she develop romantic feelings? At the same time I thought well she mentioned friendship again so she has always had that in mind and she even says that she loves me and care about me as a friend. Looking back she made it clear from the get go. 

As Everyone said: "She was never going to be my long term love" Just friends which is fair. Everyone needs friends. 

Ultimately it is the timing and the romantic feelings that was the main reason. She was just not that into me. We both made mistakes. Choose people who chooses you 

Edited September 20 by Tagalz
Left out some details