Should I consider her lifestyle and family dynamics a red/yellow flag?

[WorldTraveler]

 I’m a 34M and this girl I’ve been seeing for the last two months (27F) has had a challenging upbringing and a horrible relationship with her mother. Her mother has a pill problem and frequently says hurtful things to her daughter that has essentially eroded this woman’s confidence and self image. Her relationship with her father is much better and more loving. However, while he’s nice, I find the man incredibly exhausting to be around. He never stops talking, cracks non-stop corny jokes about me and drinks multiple nights a week. Because they are so close, when her and I hang out, a lot of times her dad ends up joining and the two of them talk nonstop for hours without having any self awareness that they haven’t taken a breath of air in between sentences. I can handle the jokes about my appearance or about things I do because he’s truly harmless and it doesn’t bother me. He’s not saying it to be hurtful, he’s simply just insecure and immature stuck in a loveless marriage. An example of his comments… because I drive a Tesla and dress nice from time to time I must be metrosexual. Whereas their entire family drives trucks and is very “country” and rough around the edges type. 

Probably as a byproduct of her environment, this woman also talks nonstop and is drunk 3-4 nights a week. I find this very unattractive as she’ll often FaceTime me drunk, often slurring her words and hiccuping. I acknowledge it could be the age gap as she may still be in her party stage while I’m not anymore. And while I don’t think she’s an alcoholic, usually we get into small arguments whenever she drinks because this is when her sober thoughts usually come up.

But I guess I have concerns about our families meshing if we were to ever marry. Both my parents and hers share similar political beliefs. But I will say her family is a little more extreme and much more close minded and immature. My parents don’t drink like hers either. This girl often says that her family is “white trash” and kinda owns it because it’s true, while again my parents don’t behave the same.

Should this be something that’s taken into consideration when thinking about a future together or am I overthinking it?

Edited 19 hours ago by WorldTraveler
Grammar

[Sony12]

She comes from a family that has a history of substance abuse and she herself has a drinking problem. You should most definitely end it if it doesn't fit your lifestyle. May sound a little mean but many people like her try to find individuals that they can take advantage of. Unless she's willing to get better you don't want to have anything to do with her. 

Edited 17 hours ago by Sony12

[WorldTraveler]

37 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

She comes from a family that has a history of substance abuse and she herself has a drinking problem. You should most definitely end it if it doesn't fit your lifestyle. May sound a little mean but many people like her try to find individuals that they can take advantage of. Unless she's willing to get better you don't want to have anything to do with her. 

What would you define as alcoholism vs a drinking problem? As she says she just wants to get it out of system before having kids in the next 1-2 years when she plans on quitting entirely.

[Sony12]

48 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

What would you define as alcoholism vs a drinking problem? As she says she just wants to get it out of system before having kids in the next 1-2 years when she plans on quitting entirely.

Telling people she's going to quit in one to two years doesn't mean anything. 90% of the time the relationship would be over in one to two years anyways. And the next person she gets involved with she would likely say the same thing to. 'In one to two years I'll quit'.

Like many things alcoholism vs someone who just drinks on occasion usually is defined by how much it affects people's regular lives. If it is so bad that it is causing people she is dating to seek out an advice forum online it is definitely affecting her regular life.

As far as saying she just wants to get it out of her system that is something 20 year olds say. If she is any older then that then she is just blowing a bunch of hot air at people. If she is as old as you and she is still acting that way then it has officially become an addiction that she will always have trouble dealing with. 

 

Edit.....I see that in your first post you did mention she is 27. 27 year olds are too old to still be getting so drunk that it affects their regular life and isn't something they just do while bar hopping on a Saturday night. You are officially an alcoholic if you are still getting drunk three to four nights a week when you are 27.

 

Edited 15 hours ago by Sony12

[Lotsgoingon]

There are about ten red flags you identify. What's your confusion?

Dad joins you for hours and hours? Done! How much torture are you willing to endure?

[Sony12]

People can feel sorry for individuals like that and develop an attitude that they want to try to save them. The unfortunate reality though is the vast majority of the time all they want to do is bring people down to their level. Which is why people with addiction issues often seek out individuals that they can walk all over. They usually don't like being around people who challenge them because people who challenge them put all the problems they have in life right at the forefront.

[flitzanu]

was there anything nice that you had to say about this girl, or anything you actually like?

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

was there anything nice that you had to say about this girl, or anything you actually like?

I bet she's hot.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

I’m a 34M and this girl I’ve been seeing for the last two months

So only two months in and already hanging out with Dad all the time and getting into arguments because she gets drunk so frequently? 

What about this doesn't strike you as dysfunctional? 

6 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

As she says she just wants to get it out of system before having kids in the next 1-2 years when she plans on quitting entirely.

You know who doesn't need to say stuff like this? People without a drinking problem. It's not something they need to plot out because they're not that dependent on alcohol. 

9 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

am I overthinking it

You aren't overthinking it, but you are under-reacting to it. It's concerning that you have accepted a lot of this already. 

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

I bet she's hot.

If she is getting into a drunken stuper three or four times a week she won't be hot for much longer. Hopefully she gives good head. Ooop I've said too much.

[WorldTraveler]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There are about ten red flags you identify. What's your confusion?

Dad joins you for hours and hours? Done! How much torture are you willing to endure?

She lives with her parents so it’s not like he comes over and joins us. So would this still be considered a red flag considering their close relationship and these circumstances?

[WorldTraveler]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

was there anything nice that you had to say about this girl, or anything you actually like?

She is really great with kids, she’s ambitious and smart. And outside these episodes, I do see potential of a good partner. The negative just seems to be exacerbated whenever she drinks unfortunately. 

[WorldTraveler]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So only two months in and already hanging out with Dad all the time and getting into arguments because she gets drunk so frequently? 

What about this doesn't strike you as dysfunctional? 

You know who doesn't need to say stuff like this? People without a drinking problem. It's not something they need to plot out because they're not that dependent on alcohol. 

You aren't overthinking it, but you are under-reacting to it. It's concerning that you have accepted a lot of this already. 

Even though she lives with her parents yes having her dad join us when I come over to hang out just strikes me as weird. During which I’ve seen her put down like 6-8 long drinks on a week night.

Edited 9 hours ago by WorldTraveler

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I’ve seen her put down like 6-8 long drinks on a week night.

And she's still standing after this?

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

this woman also talks nonstop and is drunk 3-4 nights a week. 

Are you kidding? How could you not think she's an alcoholic?  

She is an alcoholic.

You've only been dating for two months and there are already all these problems.  You bring up marriage and kids in your post.  You shouldn't even be remotely thinking about that with someone you've been dating two months, but especially not with someone you've been dating two months who is already throwing red flags up.

And who on earth would want to hang out with someone's annoying parent almost every time they see their girlfriend?  This is not even a relationship between you and her, it's a relationship with you, her and her Dad.  This sounds completely dysfunctional.  Why are your standards so low that you would accept this, and think that she may be marriage material?  This is crazy.

[lemonicetea]

I say if you are getting wasted every other day, you’re an alcoholic. This is not like she’s just cutting loose at a friend’s bachelorette party or something. And her annoying dad is hanging out with you guys as you are dating? I love my dad and everything but I wouldn’t want him hanging out with me every time I’m with a boyfriend. Does this guy just not understand boundaries? This is just one big red flag after another. You clearly don’t condone this life style and it’s a pretty new relationship, so just call it off and move on. 
 

Also  why are you talking about marriage and children with someone you’ve only been seeing for two months, especially one that’s this big of a hot mess? 

Edited 8 hours ago by lemonicetea

[Lotsgoingon]

She definitely has a drinking problem (gentle way of saying she's a serious alcoholic). And she has a mother problem and a father problem. 

You really want to add clues when you meet people.  This woman gets drunk all the time (3 to 4 days a week is all the time in effect). Her mother has a pill problem. Now, add that up: she has serious addiction running in her family. 

And instead of taking opposite action to counteract the family history, she's just joining in. 

[smackie9]

Here's my advice....move on. You don't plan a future with kids if there is a family history of drinking/alcoholism/drug addition. I come from a family of alcoholics...especially my mother. It was a horrible environment to grow up in, and disrupted my adult life, messed up my mental health. It's just not family, there's also relatives and friends in the mix that drinks right along with them. I know those people lie, make all kinds of promises. It's all talk, nothing more. She ain't gonna stop drinking when it comes to raising kids. I can't count how many times I've heard "Oh I can stop anytime". Don't be so naive. It's a terrible risk you are taking. Addiction can be passed on/inherited. It's high risk. 

 

Edited 7 hours ago by smackie9

[WorldTraveler]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

And she's still standing after this?

Barely… usually is slurring by that point and it’s incredibly unattractive. 

[WorldTraveler]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Are you kidding? How could you not think she's an alcoholic?  

She is an alcoholic.

You've only been dating for two months and there are already all these problems.  You bring up marriage and kids in your post.  You shouldn't even be remotely thinking about that with someone you've been dating two months, but especially not with someone you've been dating two months who is already throwing red flags up.

And who on earth would want to hang out with someone's annoying parent almost every time they see their girlfriend?  This is not even a relationship between you and her, it's a relationship with you, her and her Dad.  This sounds completely dysfunctional.  Why are your standards so low that you would accept this, and think that she may be marriage material?  This is crazy.

I never choose to hang out with him but it still happens. And at first I thought it was that they just had a really close relationship because of the mess that is her mother. But then dad hangouts happened on multiple occasions and most recently she invited me to an event but I declined because she wanted to go with her dad too.

Edited 3 hours ago by WorldTraveler

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman has an active substance abuse problem. 

It would be foolish to continue dating her. Full stop.