My girlfriend fell out of love with me after I crossed a line — is there any chance of rebuilding the relationship?

[GZF92]

My girlfriend (33F) and I (33M) were together for about a year. We had a lot of good moments, but we also had some recurring problems, particularly around my relationship with alcohol. She had always disliked my drinking habits and had told me several times that it was something that could eventually become a serious problem for our relationship.

The breaking point came after I went out drinking and behaved in a way that crossed a very clear boundary she had previously set. I stayed out until the following day and ignored her calls. She forgave me the first time something similar happened, but it happened again later.

Eventually, she told me that something had changed inside her. She said that when I crossed that boundary, she "fell out of love" with me and stopped seeing me as her partner. She still cared about me and loved me as a person, but she no longer felt romantic love or sexual attraction towards me.

We then took some time apart. During that period she was very conflicted about what to do. At one point she said she didn't know whether we should end things permanently or give time a chance. She even said there was perhaps a 1% chance that we could eventually get back together.

I remained completely in love with her and wanted to fight for the relationship. Eventually, though, we both agreed that staying in that limbo wasn't fair or sustainable, and we officially broke up.

What makes this particularly difficult is that she hasn't become cold or hateful towards me. She still cares about me a lot. She has checked on me, we've recently gone out for lunch together and had a genuinely good time, and she has told me that if I need to talk to her, she's there. She also told me that she doesn't want to hurt me and that she wishes she could take away the pain, but that she can't.

I asked her recently whether her decision had changed. She said no, and that what happened still makes her angry. I then asked whether she thought she might reconsider in the future. She said she honestly doesn't know, but that she'd rather tell me "no" than give me false hope.

I've also started working on myself: therapy, going back to the gym, trying to deal properly with my drinking and becoming a more stable person overall. I'm not doing this only to get her back — I know I need to change regardless — but I obviously still desperately want the possibility of rebuilding the relationship someday.

I've also decided to delete our photos and unfollow her on Instagram, not as a punishment or because I'm angry, but because I know myself and I would obsessively look at her photos and what she's doing, which would make moving on much harder. She understood and told me she'd accept me again if I ever wanted to follow her in the future.

There's also an event we had booked together for her birthday in October. It's something she's extremely excited about, and I'm currently not emotionally capable of going with her. I've told her I'll decide about a week before the event depending on how I'm doing.

So that's where I am now.

My question is: when someone genuinely falls out of love with you because of things you've done and loses the romantic attraction, can those feelings ever come back after time and genuine change? Or once that switch has flipped, is it usually permanent?

I'm not looking for false hope. I'd genuinely like to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she is probably really done this time. 

She seems to care about you and want the best for you, but knows in her heart of hearts that this isn't going to work for her. I would suggest that you don't proceed with this: 

7 hours ago, GZF92 said:

There's also an event we had booked together for her birthday in October. It's something she's extremely excited about

There is no sense attending this together since you are no longer a couple. I am sure she will understand. 

[GZF92]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think she is probably really done this time. 

She seems to care about you and want the best for you, but knows in her heart of hearts that this isn't going to work for her. I would suggest that you don't proceed with this: 

There is no sense attending this together since you are no longer a couple. I am sure she will understand. 

The thing is that in the first few days after the breakup, she gave me signs that we were going to get back together. We had a few days of vacation planned in September that she said she still wanted to go on together, and we spent a weekend together where we slept together and things felt just like they always had.

And then, suddenly, nothing.

[flitzanu]

the reason she isn't all torn up about this is because she's emotionally done.  you're the one hurting and struggling, and she isn't.

you should not go on this trip in october.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, GZF92 said:

And then, suddenly, nothing

And that's exactly why you should cancel this planned event in October together. 

It's going to be too confusing and hurtful for you.

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you have no hope in changing her mind. She is smart. She should NOT change her mind. That would be totally self-destructive on her part. 

You can't just work on this alone. You got to get some help--as in serious and effective therapy and/or support groups. You are in classic denial, minimizing your issue. You've just chased away someone you apparently love, and you are still tinkering around the edges of the problem. 

Problem drinking isn't cured or stopped by guilt or regret. It requires some major changes--such as completely avoiding alcohol for a time--and a lot of emotional growth. The real challenge for people with compulsive and addictive problems is mastering how to go the ups and many downs of life without relying on their thing.  That's the test. Have you shown that you can experience the ups and downs of life and not rely on the destructive habit?

No, you haven't. And this woman understands that.

Start on some help. Going to the gym ain't gonna do it. 

 

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Instead of asking us, you should listen to what she has told you.  She was very clear with you that she hasn't changed her mind.  She sounds pretty smart and like she knows what she wants.  You just need to focus on working on your own problems.  Don't sit around waiting for her to come back.  It sounds very unlikely.