Struggling to understand fully what I need to change/ no clarity on past relationships

[Anonymous]

Kind of a follow up on my last post-I’ve been seeing a therapist and I feel like I’m receiving mixed messages with no clear understanding of why it feels like there’s not room to make mistakes in relationships and I’ll always be left . I’m struggling to make full sense of my part. Basically I have patterns and they had patterns. Some relationships they said I stayed too long and others I have anxious avoidant tendencies- I care immensely but I need space to collect my thoughts after a painful rupture to come back to the convo as healthy as possible. I hate this part of me- I only mean well by it..my brain really processes heavy emotions slowly. fear they’ll leave because I do something not perfectly right is a big thing for me and I’ve never been proven wrong

Below is an excerpt from an email I got from my therapist yesterday when our session triggered deep grief and self hatred for not making my partner feel fully loved and safe. The level of affirmation concerns me because “not your fault” does not assist in me figuring out why I lose people- I am the common dominator after all:

“The messages you are sharing about what you are telling yourself is that “you are flawed” and that was NOT the purpose of sharing your story. Your story is not perfect, as you and I admit, but I also see you putting 100% of yourself at fault. Your story of regret does not reflect you are at fault or flawed. Quite the opposite, as you are resilient and you know what you want. 
You did not fail in that relationship. I know you won’t believe me. Relationships takes two people, and I would like you to see you are not 100% of any relationship. You are not flawed and you did not fail and it is not your fault.
Thank you for sharing our words. It is truly helpful to get your insight of your views. You are a beautiful person. we will stay away from the past as it is not good to dive deep into it if it hurts this much. I value you are a good communicator. “

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

The messages you are sharing about what you are telling yourself is that “you are flawed”

What messages is your therapist referring to? 

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

that was NOT the purpose of sharing your story

I am also curious about this. Why is the therapist insisting on this? 

 

[Anonymous]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What messages is your therapist referring to? 

I am also curious about this. Why is the therapist insisting on this? 

 

She had emailed me thanking me for sharing my regret story (laying out the relationship, the ending and my part). I don’t know why she’s insisting so hard..I find it odd and have never had a therapist respond in such a way. I found the therapy session distressing so I emailed her back with the message below which is what she’s responding to: 

“As for our session the other day, it really put me into a dark place and i've been stuck there since our session. My family suggested that I reach out to you.. I ask the same questions over and over to my family and i'm left feeling that i'm too flawed for love. Our session felt affirming to me that it’s all my fault and that the relationship would still be intact if I wasn't flawed. While I want to understand what makes people leave me, it’s feeling hard to bear. “

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, that fear of making a mistake is getting you into trouble. It's taking away the fun of dating. It's giving away your power to this other person.

Do you have that fear of not being perfect when you interact with friends? Do you have close friends? I ask because you might want to practice relaxing with friends first.

BTW: in therapy, a helpful path (it seems to me) would be to track down where this fear of not being perfect comes from. It didn't start a year ago. It began in your family and it probably was a coping pattern you developed. Get to therapist to help you track down the origin of this fear. Doing some work around that often (not always) helps people to release an old fear.

 

[Anonymous]

9 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, that fear of making a mistake is getting you into trouble. It's taking away the fun of dating. It's giving away your power to this other person.

Do you have that fear of not being perfect when you interact with friends? Do you have close friends? I ask because you might want to practice relaxing with friends first.

BTW: in therapy, a helpful path (it seems to me) would be to track down where this fear of not being perfect comes from. It didn't start a year ago. It began in your family and it probably was a coping pattern you developed. Get to therapist to help you track down the origin of this fear. Doing some work around that often (not always) helps people to release an old fear.

 

Is the fear of making a mistake causing men to leave me? I have really great, close friends and I’m regularly imperfect and it’s usually ok to make mistakes/ I’m very direct with repair. 
 

I have learned though with men that if I have less than perfect emotions, there’s a miscommunication or I have a negative pattern that I’m working on that they will leave. This is where the fear comes from. I have never been proven wrong- they’ve all left and I’m terrified that means I’m somehow toxic and I can’t see patterns that make people want to leave

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, I can't really help you without knowing specifically what you mean by "making a mistake." 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, I can't really help you without knowing specifically what you mean by "making a mistake." 

1. Needing space after rupture and sometimes a freeze response initially followed by explanation and repair

1a. I have big feelings (not anger) I care a ton which means I might cry- I fear having too many emotions so I try to have the right about and mitigate/regulate the bigger upset on my own

2. not texting fast enough for the other persons liking. Trying my best to meet the need. Could go 6hrs because I’m in a meeting or I’m with friends 

3. Thinking everything is good and partner feeling the total opposite and I get blindsided with everything that’s been building up within them

4. I don’t feel like I need to go through everything that upset me in a difficult work day

5. in long distance when reconnecting I had a last minute work trip and sent him a picture of the city when I landed. He was unhappy he didn’t know about it in advance although we’re not in the same city 

6. Worry I don’t communicate well out of fear. I don’t want to hurt the other person ever. Hence why my therapist is reassuring me that I make sense when communicating