Being infantilized

[lemonicetea]

I’ve long felt that my parents, but mostly my mom, infantilizes me. Just for the record I’m in my upper 30’s. If I listed every time my mom has treated me like a child this post would be 10 miles long but here are two recent incidents.

About a month ago my mom was going to do something with my younger cousins and asked me if I wanted to come with. I told her that I was sorry but I already had plans with a friend for that day. She asked me who my friend was and I told my mom her name. I then half jokingly added “she’s nobody you know” and then my mom said that was the problem and she doesn’t know any of the people I hang out with. I’ve mentioned my friends in passing to her (and my dad) before but it’s typically just stuff like “I have a friend who likes this” or “my friend said that”. I’ve never really gone into in depth stories about my friends. I just didn’t feel like it’s necessary. 
 

More recently I went with her to a big garage sale her friend (that I’m just going to call Mary) was having. I’ve heard a million stories about Mary but I’ve never met her before (my mom has only know her for about five years). We get there and Mary runs around the corner of her house calling my mom’s name. My mom warned me that Mary was a big hugger. She turned to Mary and was like “Lemonicetea is not one for hugs but…” she turns to me and asks me to hug Mary. I obliged because I didn’t want to seem rude but it felt kind of awkward hugging someone I didn’t really know. Heck, I usually don’t even hug my actual friends. We went about our business and after we got back to the car my mom did apologize for making me hug Mary and I totally accepted her apology but the whole thing is weird. 
 

Anyways I want to talk to my mom about how I feel but I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive or if I actually have a case here. 

[basil67]

I'm not seeing you being infantilized.  

First paragraph - I find it very odd that you don't name the person you're referring to.   Are you deliberately not letting her into your life?  Even my friends name the person in their story even if I've never met them.

Second paragraph, she should have said that "Lemonicetea is not a hugger" and left it at that.  But she was doing her best to keep the peace between two people who are opposite in terms of hugs and chose the wrong solution.  You accepted her apology/explanation and no harm done.  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm not seeing you being infantilized.  

I agree. 

I get why telling you to hug someone was annoying, OP,  but it sounds like you have already settled that with her. I also don't get this: 

10 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

I then half jokingly added “she’s nobody you know”

Why did you make that comment? 

[lemonicetea]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

First paragraph - I find it very odd that you don't name the person you're referring to.   Are you deliberately not letting her into your life?  Even my friends name the person in their story even if I've never met 

Really? When I’m talking to people about others they don’t know I usually don’t give a name. I guess I could let my mom into my personal life more. Im just naturally a reserved person. 

[lemonicetea]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you make that comment? 

I was joking. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

Really? When I’m talking to people about others they don’t know I usually don’t give a name. I guess I could let my mom into my personal life more. Im just naturally a reserved person. 

Yes, really.  This is a very unusual way to tell a story.   

Do you ever find that others struggle to connect with you?

[lemonicetea]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Do you ever find that others struggle to connect with you?

Yes and I sometimes have a hard time connecting with other people.

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, lemonicetea said:

Yes and I sometimes have a hard time connecting with other people.

Letting others in will help significantly.  

 

[ShyViolet]

The first issue. where your mom said she doesn't know the people you hang out with.... I don't see the big deal here.  She simply said she doesn't know who you hang out with.  That's not "infantilizing" you.  You could have ignored her comment or changed the subject if you didn't want to get into it.

The second incident... yes I agree it's weird that your mom would tell you to hug someone you don't even know.  Or even if it was a family member that you do know, it's not her place to tell you to hug anyone.  You could have just clearly and firmly said, "no thanks, I'm not a hugger" and set your boundary.  And then also, later when you're in private with your mom you should definitely say something to her, tell her not to tell you to hug people because that's a weird thing to do.  But I don't exactly see how this is "infantilizing" you, and it didn't have to be a huge deal.

[Acacia98]

I agree that it was weird (and wrong) that your mum told you to hug Mary. Mind you, even if you had been a kid, it would have been wrong. We're supposed to respect people's bodily autonomy, even when those people are children. 

What I don't understand is why you hugged her. You believe your mother is infantilizing you. But there's the other side of things: the part where you go along with what you perceive as her efforts to infantilize you. You know, we can't control how other people treat us. But we can control how we respond to that treatment. 

Edited September 2 by Acacia98