gf visa, genuine or wants sponsor?

[Antares007]

Relationship and Visa Circumstances – Personal Statement

She is a 36-year-old woman who lives in Thailand, while I am a 38-year-old Chinese-Australian who has lived in Australia with my family since I was a child.

Her current plan is to complete her master's degree and apply for a Temporary Graduate visa, which would allow her to remain in Australia for a further period with unrestricted work rights. She wants to work, earn money, repay approximately $50,000 in bank debt, and financially support her parents. If she is able to find an employer willing to sponsor her for a work visa, she has said that she would accept that option.

How We Met

In December 2021, I initiated contact with her through Tinder. We began communicating every day and developed a relationship over time. During our conversations, she told me that she wanted to study in Australia.

Although I did not specifically tell her that I was an Australian resident at the beginning, I assumed this was reasonably understood because I had lived in Australia since childhood and she knew my age and background. We continued communicating every day, although we did not have our first video call until approximately a year later.

In 2023, she told me that she had found a pathway that would allow her to study a Master of Accounting without first passing IELTS. Under this pathway, she would attend an English course for approximately six months and, after completing the required English requirements, continue with her master's degree at the same college.

In November 2023, she arrived in Australia. She asked me to pick her up from the airport that morning and take her to her hotel in the city. I took the entire day off work and stayed with her until the late afternoon.

At that time, I told my parents that I had met a woman online and that she was a friend. I told them I was going to pick her up from the airport and spend the day with her. My parents did not initially make a significant issue of this.

Development of Our Relationship

The following month, during Christmas, we went on a three-day road trip together. My parents believed that I would be travelling with her and some of her friends, but in reality it was just the two of us.

My parents later told me that they had wanted to stop me from going when they realised it would only be the two of us. However, by that stage it was too late, and they did not want to ruin the trip at the last moment.

Over the following few months, my mother repeatedly asked whether I considered her a friend or a girlfriend. I continued telling my mother that she was only a friend, even though we had already agreed between ourselves that we were in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

By March 2024, I finally told my parents that we were officially in a relationship.

My parents then told me that they believed I should only see her on special occasions and preferably when her friends were also present. Their intention was to give us some space and allow time to determine whether her feelings towards me were genuine.

The following day, however, my parents changed their position and said that they thought it would be better for us to have no contact until the end of the year. Their main concern was that she might only be interested in me because I could potentially sponsor her to remain in Australia.

Although we reluctantly agreed to this arrangement, I found it difficult to follow. I eventually told her that we should continue seeing each other secretly approximately once every two weeks until December. She agreed, and from December onwards we continued our relationship more openly.

My Avoidance of Introducing Her to My Family

I also recognise that I have contributed to the current situation by avoiding introducing her to my family.

She has asked me numerous times to meet my family and has expressed that she wanted to be properly introduced to them. However, because I strongly dislike confrontation and was worried about how my parents would react, I repeatedly postponed it and told her that it would happen eventually.

My family believes there was another reason I never invited her to meet them: I did not feel completely confident that she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I think there is some truth to this. Although I care about her and have continued the relationship, I have had doubts about our long-term compatibility and whether she is truly the right person for me. Instead of confronting those feelings directly, I continued postponing the situation.

As a result, despite being in a relationship for a significant period of time, she has never been invited to meet my family properly or spend time with them in person. Until relatively recently, my parents essentially only knew her by name and had never met her face-to-face.

I now realise that this is partly my own fault. By continually postponing the introduction, I prevented my parents from having the opportunity to meet her, get to know her as a person and form their own opinion about her based on actual interactions.

At the same time, I find it difficult to understand how my parents can expect me to make a decision about moving in with someone they have never personally met. They have strong concerns about her intentions and about the possibility of entering into a de facto relationship with her, yet they have never actually sat down with her or spoken to her in person.

I acknowledge that I contributed to this situation by avoiding confrontation and repeatedly postponing the meeting. If I had introduced her to my family earlier, some of their concerns might have been addressed through actually getting to know her rather than relying primarily on assumptions, second-hand information and worst-case scenarios.

Ultimately, I understand that my hesitation to introduce her to my family may also reflect my own uncertainty about the relationship. This is something I need to be honest with myself about rather than allowing my parents' concerns or her visa circumstances to make the decision for me.

Concerns Raised by My Parents

During this period, I also made the mistake of telling my mother about many things that I was unhappy or concerned about in the relationship.

For example, on one occasion my girlfriend appeared surprised when she learned that I was an Australian resident and could potentially sponsor her. This occurred after she had become upset about changes to Australian immigration laws and the possibility that she might not be able to apply for a Temporary Graduate visa before turning 36.

I told my parents about this, and they interpreted her reaction as evidence that she may have been unaware of my residency status or may have been deliberately pretending not to know. They believed this was a warning sign.

Discussion About Living Together

From this point onwards, my girlfriend repeatedly suggested that we move in together. Initially, I postponed the idea.

Earlier this year, I eventually agreed that we would move in together around June or July because her rental agreement was due to expire around that time. She preferred to move in with me rather than find another property and share accommodation with other people.

When the time came, however, I discussed the situation again with my parents. We concluded that moving in together was not financially sensible because my financial circumstances were not stable enough. I therefore told her that I believed we should wait until approximately the same time the following year.

She was understandably very upset because I had previously promised that we would move in together. She considered ending the relationship because she felt that I had not kept my word and that she wanted to be with someone who would stand by his promises and make his own decisions.

After speaking with her mother, she decided to give me until next year to make the decision. She told me that if we still did not move in together by then, she would leave me. I agreed to this.

Financial Assistance

During our relationship, she has occasionally asked me to lend her money. These were generally amounts ranging from a few hundred dollars to approximately $2,000.

She usually made plans to repay the money within a few weeks. However, during the past few months, her financial circumstances have become more difficult and she has needed more time to repay me.

At present, she owes me approximately $3,800.

Her Visa Situation

This month, she was intending to apply for a Temporary Graduate visa after completing her master's degree. However, she was unable to pass the required IELTS examination before the relevant deadline.

Her student visa also expired this month. As a result, she asked me whether I would sponsor her for a partner visa.

My parents strongly advised me not to do this. Their position was that such a significant decision should be made because of genuine commitment and love rather than because of her immediate immigration circumstances. They told me that I should not allow the situation surrounding her visa to pressure me into making a decision about our relationship.

She reluctantly accepted my decision.

My parents have become particularly concerned after she discussed the possibility of establishing a de facto relationship and potentially applying for a partner visa. They have therefore arranged to speak with a lawyer and are also considering changes to their wills and financial arrangements to protect themselves in case I eventually decide to enter into a legally significant relationship or sponsorship arrangement.

Possibility of Returning to Thailand

She has told me that she may need to return to Thailand and then come back to Australia for her graduation ceremony in February next year.

She asked whether, if I eventually decided to sponsor her, she could apply for a visitor visa to return to Australia without conditions. I initially told her that I was willing to consider this.

My parents disagreed and said that this would not solve the underlying issue because I would still be making the decision to sponsor her while she was overseas, and there would be less opportunity for us to spend time together and assess our relationship.

Instead, she applied for a two-year diploma course. Although there is uncertainty about whether her application will be approved, she believes this may provide additional time for her to remain in Australia while she considers her options.

She has told me that if I still cannot decide whether I am willing to sponsor her, she has reached her limit. She has said that she would rather end the relationship, return to Thailand, and not maintain contact with me because she has self-respect and has a family who love her and want her to return home.

I have accepted that decision if that is what she ultimately chooses.

Possible Visa Appeal During the Bridging Period

If her application to continue studying the two-year diploma is refused during the bridging period, she has also considered paying the additional costs associated with appealing or otherwise challenging the decision. She understands that there is no guarantee that an appeal or review would be successful and that immigration authorities may ultimately maintain the decision.

However, one of the reasons she is considering pursuing an appeal or review is that it could potentially give her additional time in Australia while the matter is being considered. This would give me more time to make a decision about whether I genuinely want to sponsor her for a partner visa.

From her perspective, even if the chances of the appeal being successful are low, it would at least provide some additional time and hope that the decision could be changed and that she might be allowed to remain in Australia and continue studying the two-year diploma.

This is also significant to me because I recognise that the longer she remains in Australia, the more time I would have to consider our relationship without having to make an immediate decision about sponsoring her simply because her visa situation requires an urgent answer. At the same time, I am aware that this could also create additional pressure on me because the visa situation would continue for a longer period.

However, her family in Thailand have a different perspective. They do not want her to continue waiting indefinitely or spend additional money pursuing an uncertain visa outcome. They believe that she has already spent a significant amount of time in Australia and that she should not continue delaying her return to Thailand while waiting for me to decide whether I am willing to sponsor her.

Her family want her to come home rather than continue spending money and time on a situation where there is no guarantee that she will be able to remain in Australia. This has created another source of pressure for her, because she is caught between wanting more time to complete her studies and potentially continue our relationship, while her family believes that she should stop waiting and return home if I cannot make a clear commitment.

My Parents' Requests for Verification

During this period, my parents have asked her to provide evidence that she is genuinely single and to demonstrate that the family circumstances she has described are accurate, including that she has a mother, father and older sister.

My parents have also suggested that I hire a private investigator to conduct a background check to determine whether the information she has provided about herself and her circumstances is accurate.

My Parents' Concerns

My parents' concerns are based on several factors.

Firstly, they believe that people from poorer countries may sometimes have greater financial incentives to migrate to countries such as Australia. They are concerned that her financial circumstances and her desire to support her parents could create an incentive for her to seek Australian residency.

Secondly, because we initially met through Tinder, my parents are concerned that she may have deliberately sought an Australian partner. They believe there is a possibility that her primary motivation for coming to Australia may not have been education, but obtaining permanent residency or a better standard of living.

She has told me that both of her parents are farmers and that she feels responsible for supporting them financially. She has also said that she wants to earn as much money as possible to repay her approximately $50,000 debt and help her parents.

My parents therefore question why she has been so eager to move in with me despite knowing that my financial circumstances are currently not strong. They are concerned that establishing a shared household could eventually provide evidence that would strengthen a future partner visa application.

My parents have also questioned her decision to study a Master of Accounting. They believe that obtaining employment in the accounting industry may be difficult without further professional qualifications, such as CPA accreditation, and relevant work experience.

Conflict With My Mother

My mother has also accused me of not being completely honest with her because I did not initially tell her that my girlfriend had contacted me through Tinder.

My mother says that if she had known this from the beginning, she would have been more strongly opposed to the relationship.

She believes that I am being selfish and that my decisions could potentially put my family at risk. She repeatedly asks how I can know whether everything my girlfriend has told me is true.

My mother has raised various possibilities, including the possibility that my girlfriend could already have a family in Thailand, that she could leave me after obtaining residency, or that she could use my financial resources to repay her debts and support her family.

At times, my mother has even raised extreme scenarios, such as the possibility that my girlfriend could arrange for someone to harm my family after obtaining what she wants.

These concerns have caused significant anxiety within my family.

When my parents mention stories about romance scams, they often emphasise that victims can be intelligent, successful and otherwise careful people and still become victims. When I become defensive or tell them that I do not believe my girlfriend is a scammer, they interpret my reaction as evidence that I am not taking their concerns seriously.

They repeatedly tell me that this is not only about my life because any decision I make could potentially affect the rest of my family.

My Current Position

I am now caught between my relationship and my family's concerns. I care about my girlfriend and do not want to make a decision about our relationship purely because of her visa circumstances. At the same time, I understand why my parents are concerned about the financial and legal consequences of entering into a de facto relationship or sponsoring someone for a partner visa.

I also recognise that I have made mistakes throughout this situation. In particular, I avoided introducing her to my family because I wanted to avoid confrontation, I initially told my parents that she was only a friend, and I shared many of my relationship concerns with my mother. These decisions have contributed to my parents forming their current view of the relationship without actually having met her.

I also have to acknowledge that my reluctance to introduce her was not solely because of my fear of confronting my parents. Part of it was because I myself was uncertain about whether she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I cared about her, but I was not confident enough in the relationship to take the step of bringing her into my family.

I therefore feel that I need to be honest with myself about my own feelings. I need to decide whether I genuinely want a long-term future with her and whether our relationship is strong enough to withstand the financial, legal and immigration issues involved.

I do not want to make such a significant decision simply because she needs a visa, because I am afraid of losing her, or because my parents are afraid of what might happen. At the same time, I do not want to ignore legitimate concerns simply because I am emotionally attached to her.

Ultimately, I believe the decision needs to be based on the reality of our relationship, the trust between us, our long-term compatibility, and whether I genuinely want to build a future with her. I also need to take responsibility for making that decision myself rather than allowing either my girlfriend's immigration circumstances or my family's fears to make the decision for me.

 

Edited Tuesday at 09:46 AM by Antares007

[Gebidozo]

What is your question here, exactly?

I don’t understand what your parents have to do with anything you’re describing. It was a rather surreal experience to read a post by a 38 year old man about his romantic relationship with 75% of the text dedicated to the parents.

You aren’t 15 years old, you are a grown man. Make your own decisions and don’t involve your parents in this. If you trust this girl, be with her. If you don’t, let her go.

Romantic relationships are complicated enough already, but you’re making it even more complicated by needlessly invoking irrelevant parties such as your parents.