Feelings for my Cousin's Husband****UPDATE AUGUST 2026 (ORIGINAL POST AUGUST 2022)

August 16

This is an update from my original post 4 years ago! I suspect if you click on my name you'll see the history. Many of you provided me with great advice (some harsh but necessary)....and I wanted to give an update 4 years later from my original post as there was a "minor" development? .....

A reminder I'm a gay male and I live in say Hamilton, Canada. Miles and his family live in say.....Vermont.

I'm in a much better place now with Miles (my female cousin's husband). Our cousin relationship has FINALLY gotten back to normal in that Miles and I will text and message often enough and he'll even video call me on his own and we'll have private chats sometimes! He's told his sister and blood cousins on his side that I am the best of his cousin's..the number one! Also when Mile's dad recently passed , Miles gave me his dad's 24K gold Cartier Luxury Desk Clock ...it's worth over $3000 USD.

All in all the relationship between us has been great BUT something happened last week when I met up with him and my other cousins....we all drove up for a mini vacation meet up in say..... Cleveland for the weekend and rented an AirBnb....his wife and kids and my other cousins and their wives and kids and my brothers and their families. Anyway we were partying and the last ones up were Miles and I. Everyone else went to bed and Miles and I were having some drinks playing some music and just hanging till maybe say 4am! Anyway he went to go lie down on the living room on the sectional L shape couch with his head on one end and I decided to also sleep on the other end of the couch with my head way at the other end. We fell asleep but say almost around 6am we both woke up and some how Miles had moved closer to me so that his feet were like right by my face as he layed down and my feet were by his face. Clearly he had moved positions which I thought was odd. And then he started to rub my leg and massage my leg and feet....it was quick but he started touching me first. Again we were alone in the living room while everyone else were in their rooms asleep. I decided to return the favour and I began rubbing his legs, massaging his leg and then I took his sock off and began massaging his feet. It lasted about a minute or so and then he got up from the couch and told me it felt good and he went upstairs to go look for a proper bed to sleep in....and he fell asleep. Rest of the weekend was normal but I thought that encounter was odd given EVERYTHING I've been through with him per my previous posts on here. Again I'm a gay male and we are with mid 40s but he's married to my female cousin. Anything odd about that?

Edited August 16 by gbadboy

August 16

5 hours ago, gbadboy said:

Anything odd about that?

What isn't odd about it?

He shouldn't be touching anyone but his wife that way, and you should not allow that or touch him that way, either. Stay away from married men, and have more respect for your cousin.

August 16

I wasn't a member yet back then when you made the original post back in 2022 but I went back and read it through your posting history.

You need to be very careful in regards to your interactions with Miles. Miles is clearly a guy that jokes about sex a lot (a lot of guys do) and probably does it to deal with his insecurities about sex and some potential prejudices he has. One thing to also keep in mind is that there is a good chance Miles is being friendly with his wife's family because he wants to make his wife happy and not necessarily because he considers all those people to be great friends of his that he would remain good friends with even if his marriage were to end.

Heterosexual guys will often make sex jokes with each other all the time but it's more of a 'hey buddy' type of thing for them then anything sexual. If they ever did think it was turning sexual they would quickly put their guards up just like Miles did that day you touched his chest in a way that he felt was inappropriate.

I honestly think you need to start focusing more on your relationship with your actual blood family (his wife) as she is the real reason you are being invited over to their house and have become friends with Miles. Throughout all these posts you have made about this topic everything has been about Miles but you have barely spoken at all about her. Do you not really interact with women very well? Just curious as some people prefer to talk to the sex they are attracted to while others have more friends with the sex they are not attracted to.

Edited August 16 by Sony12

August 17

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What isn't odd about it?

He shouldn't be touching anyone but his wife that way, and you should not allow that or touch him that way, either. Stay away from married men, and have more respect for your cousin.

I hear you. It's just that per the history in my profile this situation has been complicated since 2022 and if you see that thread you'll see I did keep distance and tried to move on etc. I kept away for months and went no contact... I avoided going on trips to the US and opted instead to stay home BC I feared meeting him would bring back those feelings. And 4 years later I finally reached a point where I could accept just being friends and all has been good with us since. He told me (per that past thread that it "would never happen") and I certainly took note of that. I guess why I posted this was to see if I'm over reacting or if indeed what he did was make a move on me? Despite me doing my best to keep away and bring our friendship back to strictly cousin in law like. Granted he did get up and go upstairs to an empty bed.

August 17

15 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I wasn't a member yet back then when you made the original post back in 2022 but I went back and read it through your posting history.

You need to be very careful in regards to your interactions with Miles. Miles is clearly a guy that jokes about sex a lot (a lot of guys do) and probably does it to deal with his insecurities about sex and some potential prejudices he has. One thing to also keep in mind is that there is a good chance Miles is being friendly with his wife's family because he wants to make his wife happy and not necessarily because he considers all those people to be great friends of his that he would remain good friends with even if his marriage were to end.

Heterosexual guys will often make sex jokes with each other all the time but it's more of a 'hey buddy' type of thing for them then anything sexual. If they ever did think it was turning sexual they would quickly put their guards up just like Miles did that day you touched his chest in a way that he felt was inappropriate.

I honestly think you need to start focusing more on your relationship with your actual blood family (his wife) as she is the real reason you are being invited over to their house and have become friends with Miles. Throughout all these posts you have made about this topic everything has been about Miles but you have barely spoken at all about her. Do you not really interact with women very well? Just curious as some people prefer to talk to the sex they are attracted to while others have more friends with the sex they are not attracted to.

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Hello thank you for reading those old posts as it gives good context. I certainly agree in the beginning a lot of what Miles did was to appease his wife ....they got married in 2010. Fast forward to today and while yea I think he does things to still appear her the relationship he has with my brother's and I in particular appears to now be it's own thing. I say this because there are other cousins in the family but he doesn't go out of the way for them like he does with me. In any event, so just so I'm clear you don't see anything odd about what happened that night in Cleveland? Miles went to lie down on the sectional couch on one end and I lied down on the other end....far away from him...so that there was no human contact. (It's a huge L shaped sectional) And we are both about 5'6 in height. When I woke up in the middle of the night I see he moved close to me so that my feet now are literally at his face ...and his feet are by my face....and that's when he starts running my leg up and down and then massaging it along with my feet. I admit I also then began rubbing his legs and massaging it and his feet. It was a weak moment for me but why did he move close to me? Why did he touch me and first? Mind you he got up after and went upstairs but why begin touching me in the first place ESPECIALLY since he knows our history and especially since he knows I had very strong feelings for him and ESPECIALLY since he knows what transpired in Portland in August 2022. In other words what he did, do you consider that odd or wrong? Or it was nothing?

August 17

1 hour ago, gbadboy said:

you'll see I did keep distance and tried to move on etc

Yes, and you need to keep doing that and not do things like this:

22 hours ago, gbadboy said:

I decided to return the favour and I began rubbing his legs, massaging his leg and then I took his sock off and began massaging his feet.

This was highly inappropriate of you (and him, obviously) Where is your consideration for your cousin?

1 hour ago, gbadboy said:

if indeed what he did was make a move on me?

Here's a better question to ask yourself: what differnce would it make if he did? He is married to someone else and not available to be with you.

August 17

6 hours ago, gbadboy said:

Hello thank you for reading those old posts as it gives good context. I certainly agree in the beginning a lot of what Miles did was to appease his wife ....they got married in 2010. Fast forward to today and while yea I think he does things to still appear her the relationship he has with my brother's and I in particular appears to now be it's own thing. I say this because there are other cousins in the family but he doesn't go out of the way for them like he does with me. In any event, so just so I'm clear you don't see anything odd about what happened that night in Cleveland? Miles went to lie down on the sectional couch on one end and I lied down on the other end....far away from him...so that there was no human contact. (It's a huge L shaped sectional) And we are both about 5'6 in height. When I woke up in the middle of the night I see he moved close to me so that my feet now are literally at his face ...and his feet are by my face....and that's when he starts running my leg up and down and then massaging it along with my feet. I admit I also then began rubbing his legs and massaging it and his feet. It was a weak moment for me but why did he move close to me? Why did he touch me and first? Mind you he got up after and went upstairs but why begin touching me in the first place ESPECIALLY since he knows our history and especially since he knows I had very strong feelings for him and ESPECIALLY since he knows what transpired in Portland in August 2022. In other words what he did, do you consider that odd or wrong? Or it was nothing?

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It would seem more odd to me if you hadn't already repeatedly mentioned how much of a smartass he is about sex. When I was highschool and college age and had large groups of friends that I would regularly hang out with I would often see things like that amongst people who were all completely heterosexual. And it was always just intended as a joke and to get a reaction out of their friends. And to be honest it's not like he tried to kiss you or give you a blowjob or anything. He merely rubbed your leg with his feet a little bit. As far as why he moved down closer to where you were maybe he didn't think his section was very comfortable. He knows. In anycase I do think it's time you two end your friendship.

And you avoided my other question. Do you have much of a relationship with his wife and are you two very close. You haven't mentioned her at all throughout all these posts. It has always just been Miles.....Miles.....Miles..... which is concerning because she is the one you are related to and the reason you are around any of these people in the first place. Do you not interact with women very well?

August 18

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and you need to keep doing that and not do things like this:

This was highly inappropriate of you (and him, obviously) Where is your consideration for your cousin?

Ancestry& Genealogy

Here's a better question to ask yourself: what differnce would it make if he did? He is married to someone else and not available to be with you.

I completely understand. It's just kind of messed my head up because after we did get touchy at the Portland trip in August 2022. and subsequently after I expressed my feelings to him (b/c I needed to get it off my chest) and he replied that it won't happen with us- I of course accepted that but it was painful and tough for me to go no contact and took years to move on. And I reached a point recently where I did move on , SO last week or so when we were in Cleveland he threw me a curveball by touching me (he wasn't drunk per say but def there was after effects of booze) and I feel he kind of capitalized on my weakness. I am in the weaker position and I did give in, but I think there is merit to the fact that I did not touch first, nor move near him b/c I'm trying to respect boundaries. I kept my distance out of respect for his family etc. But He is the one that made that move (after all I went through to try to get over him). I admit I did reciprocate but it was because I'm in a weaker position in all of this. It's unfortunate. But I take your point. Thank you kindly.

August 18

14 hours ago, Sony12 said:

It would seem more odd to me if you hadn't already repeatedly mentioned how much of a smartass he is about sex. When I was highschool and college age and had large groups of friends that I would regularly hang out with I would often see things like that amongst people who were all completely heterosexual. And it was always just intended as a joke and to get a reaction out of their friends. And to be honest it's not like he tried to kiss you or give you a blowjob or anything. He merely rubbed your leg with his feet a little bit. As far as why he moved down closer to where you were maybe he didn't think his section was very comfortable. He knows. In anycase I do think it's time you two end your friendship.

And you avoided my other question. Do you have much of a relationship with his wife and are you two very close. You haven't mentioned her at all throughout all these posts. It has always just been Miles.....Miles.....Miles..... which is concerning because she is the one you are related to and the reason you are around any of these people in the first place. Do you not interact with women very well?

I hear what you are saying about heterosexual guys and yes they tend to make those sex jokes and do foolishness like that for fun. I see it time and time again. But in this situation, given my history with Miles - he knows I'm gay, and he knows I have very strong feelings for him, and we had a history of flirting like we did in Portland back in 2022 August, when we were alone in the Hotel room, the Casino booth and the back of a taxi cab and he had his arm behind the back of my seat, so I scooted in closer to him to embrace him and he had his legs open and my hands was like down there between his legs rubbing his crotch area indirectly and thighs.... - all this to say, knowing all that transpired, it would be a very high risk for him to be rubbing my legs and massaging my feet in the middle of the night while we are alone and everyone else is sleeping - to me it wasn't a playful thing because he certainly doesn't do that in public with me. When we are in public with the other cousins we actually keep a distance from each other and avoid sitting next to each other. But when we are alone and he has a few drinks, I think he fully well knows what he is doing.

That said - yes I did avoid the question about his wife who is my blood cousin. What can I say except it's not something I deal with lightly. It is an absolute struggle for me and a big part of me tries to just block it out. Her and I have a good relationship, we do communicate and talk but not often - I think my shame and guilt makes me proactively try to avoid but also don't want to make my avoidance to obvious. I do love my family, but I also have a hard time controlling my feelings over Miles. In my normal world, if I'm into a guy who isn't into me, I just avoid them and cut them off . With Miles, this difficult because he's in the family and he's in particular very close to my 2 brothers, in fact he's like a 3rd brother to them. I never said this was easy - its been very complicated but these past 4 years I made efforts to move on from him and I reached a good point BUT THEN last week happened, and when he started touching my leg - to me there was something more than , given our history he had to have known doing that would effect me.

August 18

1 hour ago, gbadboy said:

I admit I did reciprocate but it was because I'm in a weaker position in all of this

With all due respect, this is just an excuse.

You are not in a weaker position. You did not need to reciprocate. Unless and until you stop framing yourself that way, you will continue to accept sub-par behaviour from yourself.

August 18

2 hours ago, gbadboy said:

I hear what you are saying about heterosexual guys and yes they tend to make those sex jokes and do foolishness like that for fun. I see it time and time again. But in this situation, given my history with Miles - he knows I'm gay, and he knows I have very strong feelings for him, and we had a history of flirting like we did in Portland back in 2022 August, when we were alone in the Hotel room, the Casino booth and the back of a taxi cab and he had his arm behind the back of my seat, so I scooted in closer to him to embrace him and he had his legs open and my hands was like down there between his legs rubbing his crotch area indirectly and thighs.... - all this to say, knowing all that transpired, it would be a very high risk for him to be rubbing my legs and massaging my feet in the middle of the night while we are alone and everyone else is sleeping - to me it wasn't a playful thing because he certainly doesn't do that in public with me. When we are in public with the other cousins we actually keep a distance from each other and avoid sitting next to each other. But when we are alone and he has a few drinks, I think he fully well knows what he is doing.

That said - yes I did avoid the question about his wife who is my blood cousin. What can I say except it's not something I deal with lightly. It is an absolute struggle for me and a big part of me tries to just block it out. Her and I have a good relationship, we do communicate and talk but not often - I think my shame and guilt makes me proactively try to avoid but also don't want to make my avoidance to obvious. I do love my family, but I also have a hard time controlling my feelings over Miles. In my normal world, if I'm into a guy who isn't into me, I just avoid them and cut them off . With Miles, this difficult because he's in the family and he's in particular very close to my 2 brothers, in fact he's like a 3rd brother to them. I never said this was easy - its been very complicated but these past 4 years I made efforts to move on from him and I reached a good point BUT THEN last week happened, and when he started touching my leg - to me there was something more than , given our history he had to have known doing that would effect me.

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No offense but you really need to cut things off with Miles. Your guys friendship is absolutely not healthy and to be honest it doesn't really seem like you two really even like each other all that much. There is virtually zero respect on either side.

Your priorities are completely out of wack. Stop putting so much emphasis on Miles (who to be blunt has no respect for you). If I had to guess Miles really doesn't even like you that much. Stop putting so much focus on Miles and instead focus on improving the relationship with the person who should be the important one to you (his wife). If you can't improve your relationship with her then you just need to stop communicating with all of them.

I'll just repeat again. Miles is not your friend.

August 18

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

With all due respect, this is just an excuse.

You are not in a weaker position. You did not need to reciprocate. Unless and until you stop framing yourself that way, you will continue to accept sub-par behaviour from yourself.

I guess what I meant was...had I been the one to initiate what happened on the couch when we were alone at night in the living room is one thing versus him being the one to initiate. I'm just saying I didn't initiate the first move as much as I would have wanted to - I didn't. Him doing that brought out my old habits that I've been trying to keep at bay....I did indeed have a choice to move my foot away or tell him to stop but I didn't...but it was bringing back up those old feelings that I've been trying to suppress and I think me not being the one to initiate and sticking to boundaries is at least something.

Edited August 18 by gbadboy

August 18

21 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

No offense but you really need to cut things off with Miles. Your guys friendship is absolutely not healthy and to be honest it doesn't really seem like you two really even like each other all that much. There is virtually zero respect on either side.

Your priorities are completely out of wack. Stop putting so much emphasis on Miles (who to be blunt has no respect for you). If I had to guess Miles really doesn't even like you that much. Stop putting so much focus on Miles and instead focus on improving the relationship with the person who should be the important one to you (his wife). If you can't improve your relationship with her then you just need to stop communicating with all of them.

Marriagepreparation guide

I'll just repeat again. Miles is not your friend.

Interesting take. Miles does a lot of me...he is very caring and considerate and always looks out for me...more so then he does with the other cousins. Does he play mind games with me? I absolutely think so and sometimes I feel that isn't fair and to that I totally agree with you on that...that's the unhealthy part. I haven't messaged him since I got back from Cleveland Aug 8th weekend and I'm trying to keep a low profile as I'm still processing this. I appreciate your input ....I agree there's some unhealthy aspects happening here and there. The recent touching he did on me in the living room at night when we were alone knowing my feelings for him and knowing what we've been through has totally messed me up and it's taken away some of the work I put into trying to get over him.

August 18

5 hours ago, gbadboy said:

Interesting take. Miles does a lot of me...he is very caring and considerate and always looks out for me...more so then he does with the other cousins. Does he play mind games with me? I absolutely think so and sometimes I feel that isn't fair and to that I totally agree with you on that...that's the unhealthy part. I haven't messaged him since I got back from Cleveland Aug 8th weekend and I'm trying to keep a low profile as I'm still processing this. I appreciate your input ....I agree there's some unhealthy aspects happening here and there. The recent touching he did on me in the living room at night when we were alone knowing my feelings for him and knowing what we've been through has totally messed me up and it's taken away some of the work I put into trying to get over him.

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@gbadboy You clearly have no intention of taking any advice from people here so it really is pointless to keep this conversation going.

August 18

13 hours ago, gbadboy said:

I think me not being the one to initiate and sticking to boundaries is at least something

No, you didn't stick to boundaries:

On 8/16/2026 at 8:52 AM, gbadboy said:

I began rubbing his legs, massaging his leg and then I took his sock off and began massaging his feet

You don't get a cookie for not initiating. That's meaningless when you turn around and do the above.

It's beyond time to show a little maturity and respect. You behaved poorly here too and need to reflect on why you gave yourself permisison to do so. The only who is in a "weak" position is your cousin, who's got some quite selfish men around her.

August 19

18 hours ago, Sony12 said:

@gbadboy You clearly have no intention of taking any advice from people here so it really is pointless to keep this conversation going.

Certainly appreciate the input and it's the reason why I went no contact from for months. I have kept my distance when I was getting over this...even opting out of attending trips, vacations and big events just to avoid him. Even at parties I would leave early and everytime I didn't show up or left early he wasn't happy about it. He wanted me to stay ..he wanted me to attend but I stuck to my guns. And after 4 years of learning to get over him I was in a good place until last weekend or so when he started to like rub up my leg and massage my feet and legs while we were alone on the couch at night. He was initially far from me on the couch but I guess moved closer to me as the night progressed and next thing you know there's body contact. All this to say is I have taken advice to keep my distance and did indeed do that .....the reason why I reposted is because what happened last weekend threw me into a whirlwind and I needed to express that.

August 19

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, you didn't stick to boundaries:

You don't get a cookie for not initiating. That's meaningless when you turn around and do the above.

It's beyond time to show a little maturity and respect. You behaved poorly here too and need to reflect on why you gave yourself permisison to do so. The only who is in a "weak" position is your cousin, who's got some quite selfish men around her.

I'm definitely in no way saying I didn't play a role...but many have said in the past that this is all on me and he gets a pass....which isn't fair... He also played a role and I did so much to move from him these past 4 years....I kept my distance,avoided events and vacations where I knew he'd be.....and if I did go to an event and he was there and the night got late I would leave early..and he always wanted me to stay. I showed a lot of resliaance and really tried. Last week I didn't move near him.....he moved near me. He touched me. Yes I touched back and that was my role but he also played a very strong role. I just needed to process this so this forum has helped. I will take note of the comments made here today and thank you.

August 19

5 hours ago, gbadboy said:

Certainly appreciate the input and it's the reason why I went no contact from for months. I have kept my distance when I was getting over this...even opting out of attending trips, vacations and big events just to avoid him. Even at parties I would leave early and everytime I didn't show up or left early he wasn't happy about it. He wanted me to stay ..he wanted me to attend but I stuck to my guns. And after 4 years of learning to get over him I was in a good place until last weekend or so when he started to like rub up my leg and massage my feet and legs while we were alone on the couch at night. He was initially far from me on the couch but I guess moved closer to me as the night progressed and next thing you know there's body contact. All this to say is I have taken advice to keep my distance and did indeed do that .....the reason why I reposted is because what happened last weekend threw me into a whirlwind and I needed to express that.

Well unless you plan on focusing more on the individual that is actually your blood relative and the reason you know any of these people to begin with you need to go no contact permanently. Miles is not a good person to be around. You both sound extremely immature for individuals in your 40's.

August 19

9 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

Yes I touched back and that was my role but he also played a very strong role.

I never said he didn't.

But you are the one here posting, and you need to take much more accountability for your behaviour. I see so far that you have tried to minimize your role in this most recent incìdent, which is not going to help you.

August 19

5 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Well unless you plan on focusing more on the individual that is actually your blood relative and the reason you know any of these people to begin with you need to go no contact permanently. Miles is not a good person to be around. You both sound extremely immature for individuals in your 40's.

The trouble is - he's very close in our family - and he's very close to my brothers , they always talk. Its a saving grace he's in the US and I'm in Canada so we have forced distance.....but for example we have a cousins group chat on Whatsapp and he's always messaging there. It's hard to cut him off as he's so close to my family - even with my parents. Had this been an outsider I would have cut him off long time. Ugh. Thank you for the input.

August 19

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I never said he didn't.

But you are the one here posting, and you need to take much more accountability for your behaviour. I see so far that you have tried to minimize your role in this most recent incìdent, which is not going to help you.

That's true - I wish he would have stuck to his boundaries and the stronger one , but yea I did do what I did last weekend as well. Appreciate the input. Thank you.

August 19

Are you actively dating at this time?

This man isn't your future so I wonder if you are trying to expand your horizons and move beyond this.

August 19

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you actively dating at this time?

Dating& Personals

This man isn't your future so I wonder if you are trying to expand your horizons and move beyond this.

Good question. Sounds like you’re inflating the importance of this with too much focus. That can be a sign that you don’t have enough going on in your life.

I’ve had plenty of flirty, handsy men in my extended family, and I have no trouble dodging them without drama. It comes down to positioning myself far away and countering any inappropriate behavior or comments with a simple statement, “Knock it off.”

Challenge yourself to minimize your claim of difficulty. There’s nothing difficult about keeping your focus on your own regard and respect for the unfortunate spouse of such a person. You’re responsible for that, so I’d skip the poor damsel in distress story. Just straighten up and fly right. If you find that difficult, tell yourself you’re capable of doing difficult things, especially when it’s the right thing to do.

September 4

I get it...it's edging, titillating, it's fuelling a fantasy of doing something you shouldn't be doing, of being naughty, like it's your secret. You definitely need to get a life. There will be no reward from any of this...time to shut it down and get on with your life. This is pure silliness.

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Feelings for my Cousin's Husband****UPDATE AUGUST 2026 (ORIGINAL POST AUGUST 2022)

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