Unsure of future - horse / money related

[lesothocrisps]

Posting in here because I am not sure where else to start - just want to to vent a bit and interested to see what other people's thoughts are.

I am M (36) married to my wife (32) - we currently rent an apartment, no kids. We have been married for 4 years, together for 10 years.

I've always known my wife has had an interest in horses, but when we first met she did not have one and didn't ride. Then about 2 years into our relationship she started to ride a friends horse. I remember being shocked how long she would be away, she would say she'd be away for a couple hours but it always turned into 4-5 hours. At first I thought it wasn't too bad, at least we don't actually own a horse and the riding would just be once in a while. 

Fast forward a couple of years, she decides to quit her job and start a horse riding coaching business. I nervously supported the idea, hoping for the best. At this time we did not know my wife has ADHD and hyper focuses on things to the detriment of other areas of life. The business ultimately did not work - because although she did have lots of clients, all the money earnt was just going to pay for the horse board of the horses (at one point she had 3 or 4). We never owned the barns where the horses were - always had to pay for board. She would also be really bad at doing business expenses, keeping receipts, doing tax returns on time etc. I tried to help by reminded her, but got accused of nagging. 

Things got bad financially while the business was still going, and I had to ask family for financial support for 3/4 months just to be able to pay rent and bills. The business ended and now she has a full time job and things are more stable (no pun intended). She now has 2 horses (one she rides a lot, the other is just in a field somewhere living out retirement). 

In the years since the business ended, my wife has been diagnosed/medicated for ADHD and is a lot better with prioritization and keeping track of day to day life - i.e. not letting things spiral out of control. 

However I am still nervous about the future because the horse still seems to be priority number 1 in her life. She has expressed desires to go on holiday, and has said in conversations with her family that she used to be able to save money, but can't now. I am amazed she can't put two and two together and realize the sole reason we can't really afford holidays or to save money in any meaningful way is because of the horses. 

I have tried many times over the years to express my concerns to her:

- I have told her that to me it feels like horses are more important to her than I am. She said that isn't true and I am important. To give her credit she is always trying to push me to get into hobbies and spend less time in the house (I have social anxiety so prefer to just stay at home). However hobbies often cost money, which we don't have a lot of at the moment.

- I have expressed my concerns over the long term viability of owning horses, and how I would not want to buy a horse for any future children we have. She said that was kinda stingy and not supportive - what if they do want to ride?

- When we have these conversations it often escalates into an argument and she gets angry/upset. She has correctly pointed out that I hate horses and am not supportive of it (this is largely true because it really is hampering our ability to plan for the future in any meaningful way) She has also accused me of being "obsessed" with money and money is all I care about. This is not true, I just want some stability and predictability in our life. I have seen some other threads on the internet where kids are involved too in these situations and it sounds awful - I want to avoid that if I can. 

- She often wants me to come to barn with her to "spend time together" - but when I am there we aren't really spending time together. I am just watching her get the horse ready, taking videos of her riding, and then watching her put the horse back in the paddock. 

At this point I am starting to feel a bit hopeless that this is now my life and things will never change in regards to horses and their importance in her/my life. 

Curious to hear what other people might do/think about doing in this situation. 

[Gebidozo]

Besides the money loss (which, if I understand correctly, is no longer happening) what negative effects did her hobby have on your relationship?

How much time does she spend on horses now?

 

26 minutes ago, lesothocrisps said:

now she has a full time job and things are more stable (no pun intended).

This made me laugh way too hard

[lesothocrisps]

The money loss has gotten a lot better yes. 

Still not really saving anything meaningful - and I am nervous about vet bills if they ever come up.

She spends 2/3 evenings a week out at the barn - so we do have time together to do things.