Girl [28F] I [28M] was dating asked to stop talking due to family crisis. Should I wait for her to come back?

[sirjohnobius]

Hi. I [28M] dated a [28F] for about six weeks. We met online and got along very well; we had a similar sense of humor, many shared interests, and were very attracted to each other. We slept together a couple of times, became exclusive, and talked about soon becoming official.

A few weeks ago she told me about a family member of hers who was going to be tested for a potentially life-threatening illness/disorder (she specified but I don't want to disclose those details). A couple of weeks ago, she said the test came back positive and it isn't looking very good. I told her I would be there for her if she ever wanted to talk and said we didn't have to go out for dates and I could just listen to her in person. I then asked her how I could support her during this, and she said I should be patient while she learns how to navigate through this and that she still cares about me and likes me, and misses me since last time we saw each other.

The next day, she told me she thinks it's best that she focus on her new job (she just moved here) and her family, and that of course she can't prioritize me over them. She said that she really does like me and care for me and that we were heading toward a relationship, but that since it's so early on, she can't put any energy into dating right now and that if we were to hang out, she wouldn't give me any attention and she'd be preoccupied with her family's health issue, which wouldn't be fair to me. She then gratuitously assured me that there wasn't anybody else in the picture. She also mentioned that she's been the main support for her family member her whole life. Her family lives a few hours away, so she'll be with them every weekend for presumably the next few months. Lastly she told me that, in a few months after the crisis is resolved (i.e. surgery and treatments are concluded), she'll reach out if I'm open to it. Note that this is all before I've said anything, so she clearly had given this some thought.

Of course I told her that I do want her to reach out with an update when she has one. I told her that I've enjoyed the time we've spent together and that I understand and respect her decision and that she should focus on her job and family first. I asked her if she'd prefer that we hold off on talking, and she said yes. She then finished by saying again that, in a few months, if I'm ready, willing, and available, she'll reach out and we can explore dating again. I wished her and her family well and said I wanted her to reach out. The last thing I said was a reference to an inside joke which made her laugh (instead of sounding sad as she did throughout the rest of the call).

I do think she was genuinely interested in me and likes me, but just had awful circumstances arise that she has to address first. I also think she doesn't want to feel like a burden to me (despite me reassuring her she wouldn't be), but probably also doesn't want to be reminded of our little relationship if I keep reaching out. We didn't get to the point of being very emotionally connected yet, as we're just a few weeks in, so I get her not wanting to involve me in family trauma and not feeling like she can rely on me emotionally just yet.

How long can I expect to wait? It's already been a couple of weeks and I haven't heard anything. I'm not going to wait months upon months for her since it may take a long time, and I do hope everything goes well. I know to not reach out for a while, if ever. I think that if I do reach out, I'll do so in maybe 2-3 months after enough time surely has passed with the health crisis for an update. I guess that if she won't be in a space to think about dating again for more than 3 months, she might just think that I've moved on or it won't be worth the effort.

If any of you have had a similar thing happen early in a relationship/dating, I'd love to hear your stories.

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, sirjohnobius said:

How long can I expect to wait?

I don’t think you should wait at all.

There is a difference between minimizing contact and breaking up - which is, essentially, what she did.

She said she didn’t want a relationship. Everything else is irrelevant. If she really wanted a relationship with you she would have had it. She would have found time to talk to you and meet you, even occasionally.

[sirjohnobius]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t think you should wait at all.

There is a difference between minimizing contact and breaking up - which is, essentially, what she did.

She said she didn’t want a relationship. Everything else is irrelevant. If she really wanted a relationship with you she would have had it. She would have found time to talk to you and meet you, even occasionally.

Thanks for responding. I do get that she basically broke up with me.

I agree that she maybe could've tried to make it work, but I do understand her predicament. I didn't mention this in the post, but a younger sibling of hers was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness, and the sibling will have to undergo surgery and significant treatments soon. So I get that, together with the job, she won't have much time or especially energy to focus on dating and getting to know a good person.

Is it possible that if this wasn't going on, she'd want a relationship, but just doesn't have the bandwidth right now?