Met a woman on Bumble, she stopped talking to me, then came back and told me this story. What do you guys think?

[James5]

****Sorry if this is a little long ,but you have to read the whole thing to believe it.

Met a woman on Bumble, she stopped talking to me, then came back and told me this story. What do you guys think?

I wanted to post this because I'm genuinely curious what other people make of this situation.

I met a Chinese woman on Bumble around early July. She was 41, lived in California, and was in the U.S. on a tourist visa. She told me she was also trying to apply for asylum, although I'm not sure exactly what type of visa/status she was pursuing. She spoke very little English, so most of our communication was through translation apps. She would text me in Chinese, I'd translate it, and I'd do the same for her.

We exchanged phone numbers and talked for about a week and a half. Nothing extremely serious, but we were getting to know each other. We talked about food, our daily lives, her going to church on Sundays, etc. I'd text her in the morning before work, she'd text me during the day, and we'd talk off and on throughout the day.

Then, she basically stopped responding.

I didn't make a big deal out of it. I figured she lost interest or was busy, so I went on with my life. We didn't communicate for about 2–3 weeks.

Then, about three days ago, I received a text from her. I immediately knew who it was because the number had the same California area code I remembered (626), and the message was in Chinese.

She simply said, "Hi, how are you?"

I responded, "Hey, long time no speak. I'm good. How are you?"

That's when she told me what had happened.

Apparently, before she met me, she had already been talking to another guy for about three weeks. She said she stopped talking to me because she wanted to respect the fact that she had met him first and was already getting to know him.

This guy lives in Texas, ironically not too far from me. She decided to fly from California to Texas and spend a week with him to see how they got along.

After spending that week together, she decided to move in with him.

She flew back to California, packed up her belongings, and then flew back to Texas, specifically Harker Heights, to live with him.

This is where things get interesting.

After living with him for roughly a week, she told me she became disappointed with what she saw.

According to her, he was lazy, had poor hygiene, drank a lot of alcohol, chewed tobacco, watched a lot of TV, went to bed whenever he wanted, and didn't seem to have much motivation. I believe she also said he didn't have a job, although I'm not 100% certain about that part.

She also told me he had injured his leg/foot, although I didn't ask for details about the injury.

She said he was otherwise nice to her and treated her with respect. She wasn't saying he was abusive or mean. Her main issue seemed to be that their lifestyles were very different, and she didn't believe people with those kinds of habits normally change.

She told me she wanted to leave.

We talked for a while that day, and I asked her what she was going to do. I also asked whether she was interested in getting to know me.

She said yes, but that she wanted to get to know me first.

We talked about our ages, our interests, and our families. She is 41 and told me she really wants to settle down, get married, and have children.

At this point, I started wondering whether the desire to settle down quickly might have played a role in her decision to move in with this guy so quickly. I don't know that for sure, though. That's just my speculation.

Things seemed fine between us until I asked her something that, looking back, probably wasn't the best question.

I asked her how I could know that she wasn't talking to another guy behind my back.

She responded, "You cannot trust me?"

I explained that the reason I asked was because the last time we had been talking, she had apparently been talking to this other guy at the same time.

To be clear, I wasn't angry that she had been talking to someone else. We weren't in a relationship, and obviously she was free to talk to whoever she wanted. I was just trying to understand the situation.

After that, she stopped responding.

This was around 6 PM.

I didn't text her again that night.

The next day, though, I started thinking about the whole situation. I felt bad for her because, from what she was telling me, she had made a very quick decision, moved across the country, and was now unhappy with the situation she had put herself in.

Again, she wasn't telling me that he was abusive or dangerous. She actually said he was respectful and treated her well. Her complaints were mainly about his lifestyle and habits.

So that evening I sent her a message basically saying that I was sorry she was in a situation where she wasn't happy, and that if she needed help getting out of the situation, I would help her.

She had previously mentioned having a friend near Dallas, so I told her that if she needed transportation to get to her friend's place, I could pick her up and take her there. I also told her that if she needed somewhere to stay temporarily, she could stay at my apartment.

I made it clear that I wasn't expecting anything in return and was simply offering to help if she needed it.

She responded, "Thank you very much. I'm still here and I'm in a dilemma."

I asked what the dilemma was.

She explained that she believes the only way two people can really determine whether they're compatible is by living together for a period of time and seeing each other's daily habits.

Basically, if their lifestyles are too different, then marriage and settling down probably won't work.

She told me that she and this guy had originally agreed to live together for about three months to see if they were compatible.

So I asked her, "Are you planning on leaving?"

And this is where she seemed to completely change direction.

She told me that he had promised her he would change. She also said that because his leg was injured, she felt that she needed to take care of him. She said he had given her a separate room and continued to treat her well.

So instead of leaving, she decided to stay and see what happens.

I asked her, "What if he doesn't change?"

She said, essentially, "Then I will leave."

They also communicate almost entirely through translation apps, which makes the whole situation even more interesting to me.

I'm not emotionally attached to her. We only talked for about a week and a half before she disappeared the first time. Obviously, I thought she was very attractive and I was interested in getting to know her, but I'm not sitting here devastated over a relationship that never happened.

What I find fascinating is how quickly everything happened.

She had been talking to this guy for a few weeks, flew to Texas to meet him for a week, decided to move in with him, moved all her belongings from California, and then within about a week of living together she was already unhappy and considering leaving.

Then, after talking to him, she changed her mind and decided to give the relationship three months to see if things improve.

My last message to her was basically, "Well, if you need me, I'm here for you."

She responded, "Thank you."

So I'm curious what everyone thinks.

Do you think this relationship has a realistic chance of lasting and eventually leading to marriage, or does it sound like they rushed into something that probably won't work?

Do you think she's genuinely trying to make the relationship work, or do you think she's staying because she has already invested so much into the decision?

And how much, if any, do you think her immigration situation and desire to settle down could be influencing her decisions?

I'm not looking for people to tell me whether I should date her or anything like that. I'm mostly fascinated by the situation and curious how other people would interpret it.

And honestly, there's one part of me that's going to find it pretty funny if, in a month or two, I suddenly get another message from her that just says:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'll probably know exactly what happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am concerned that you don't seem to see the enormous red flags all over this. 

There is no way I would still be communicating with this person. Why are you entertaining this at all? 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, James5 said:

So I'm curious what everyone thinks.

Well, I think you shouldn’t be wasting any more of your time on this walking collection of red flags.

 

1 hour ago, James5 said:

Do you think this relationship has a realistic chance of lasting and eventually leading to marriage, or does it sound like they rushed into something that probably won't work?

Who cares? Why would you care? She is in a relationship with another guy while keeping you as an option. That is such a massive red flag that I can’t understand why would you even contemplate any connection with that woman.

I don’t think it will work between them, of course, because she isn’t looking for a partner to begin with, she is looking for someone who can be used for a variety of materialistic goals. But the important thing is that you should stay away from this.

 

[James5]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am concerned that you don't seem to see the enormous red flags all over this. 

There is no way I would still be communicating with this person. Why are you entertaining this at all? 

I don't care!!! its not me man. I'm just talking about their relationship.  I'm not going to be her next relationship.  I'm just curious what you think of them two thats all.  

Edited August 8 by James5

[James5]

ok everyone RELAX!!! I am not going to be in this relationship with her.  I understood that from what she had told me about this guy.  I think she's using him for something. But I am not going to be her next victim.  My question was about them. Not me.  I know there are red flags.  I'm not getting near them, I just wanted you guys opinion about them  Do you think it'll last between them.  And don't tie it back to me.  . thats all. Jesus christ LOL

Edited August 8 by James5

[James5]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am concerned that you don't seem to see the enormous red flags all over this. 

There is no way I would still be communicating with this person. Why are you entertaining this at all? 

Im not going to be in this relationship if it doesn't work out between her and him.  I think your missing the point.  My question was about THEM.  THEM. THEM.

[James5]

59 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, I think you shouldn’t be wasting any more of your time on this walking collection of red flags.

 

Who cares? Why would you care? She is in a relationship with another guy while keeping you as an option. That is such a massive red flag that I can’t understand why would you even contemplate any connection with that woman.

I don’t think it will work between them, of course, because she isn’t looking for a partner to begin with, she is looking for someone who can be used for a variety of materialistic goals. But the important thing is that you should stay away from this.

 

ok listen.  I'm not wasting my time on this.  I just wanted to bring this up so I can get opinions on THEM. THEM .THEM. NOT ME.  I'm offering to help her but that doesn't mean I will be in a relationship with her.  Helping someone and being in a relationship with someone is different.  I know her red flags.  Don't tie it back to me.  I was just curious if you think that relationship will last or not.  It's that simple.  It really is.  I think you answered it at the end of you response.  I don't think i'll last myself , but who knows

[James5]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, I think you shouldn’t be wasting any more of your time on this walking collection of red flags.

- Yes I know, I just want an opinion about their relationship.  Don't tie it back to me.  I am not going into this relationship now or in the future.  I just want to know if you think it will last.  Its about THEM.  Not me.

Who cares? Why would you care? She is in a relationship with another guy while keeping you as an option. That is such a massive red flag that I can’t understand why would you even contemplate any connection with that woman.

I don’t think it will work between them, of course, because she isn’t looking for a partner to begin with, she is looking for someone who can be used for a variety of materialistic goals. But the important thing is that you should stay away from this.