29F dating M49 for about a year. Can caring about someone's well being be mistaken for romantic feelings?

[Anonymous]

I'm 29F and I've been seeing 49M for about a year.

Recently we've been arguing because of someone from my past. I've repeatedly told him that I don't want this person, I'm not in love with him, and I don't think about him romantically. When I say I "care," I mean I don't wish anything bad to happen to him because he's another human being. That's the extent of it. From my partner's perspective, if I say I care about someone from my past, then there must still be some emotional attachment. He has told me that he doesn't care about any of his exes anymore, so he has a hard time understanding how I can say I don't want someone but still care about their well being.From my perspective, those are completely different things. I don't want a relationship with this person, I don't think about getting back together, and I don't have romantic feelings for him. I just don't wish harm on people, even if they're no longer part of my life. I feel like I have to keep proving my intentions even after being honest. He recently told me he needed time to process what I said, and it left me feeling like no matter how many times I explain myselt, I'm still not believed.

So my question are:

Is it common to interpret "I care about their well being" as "I still have romantic feelings"?

Can someone genuinely care about another person's well being without wanting to be with them?

If you were in either of our positions, how would you handle this disagreement so that trust could be rebuilt instead of having the same argument over and over?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Is it common to interpret "I care about their well being" as "I still have romantic feelings"?

No.

That’s just a projection of his jealousy and insecurity.

 

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Can someone genuinely care about another person's well being without wanting to be with them?

Do you really need to ask this question? Of course the answer is “yes”.

 

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

If you were in either of our positions, how would you handle this disagreement so that trust could be rebuilt instead of having the same argument over and over?

I wouldn’t accept having such an argument over and over. I don’t think I could be together with someone who doesn’t trust me to this extent. My partner cares for her exes and I care for mine, we are also in touch with our respective exes, yet neither of us has ever mistrusted the other or thought there were some romantic feelings involved in those interactions.

[ExpatInItaly]

I once dated a man like this. 

He was utterly exhausting to deal with and I realized quickly that he was always going to find fault in me. I let him go instead of going around and aroud in circles over the same nonsense. 

My advice? Find a better partner who respects you. This one does not. 

[basil67]

He's currently taking space from you.  At this point, I'd just end the relationship - life's too short to deal with this level of insecurity

[Sanch62]

Does any of this involve keeping in contact with the ex or having him in your life in any way?

If so, then this is a typical issue with staying involved with an ex beyond shared children, and you'll need to consider your priorities.

But if not, then what would be so difficult about saying, "You know? I understand your point. I don't need to voice well wishes toward an ex, when I can just move forward and be happy that I'm free and clear of my past. It poses no barriers to enjoying my life in the present with you, because you matter to me."

Boom. Done. Why invent unnecessary power struggles just to prove an irrelevant point? Consider using the skill of discretion in what you 'must' speak.

Edited July 30 by Sanch62

[MsJayne]

Either he's insecure, jealous, and immature, or you've over-emphasised the importance of this past relationship. More context is needed to decide which. How did the conversation come up in the first instance? Why does it keep coming up?