Thinking of breaking the sisterhood code

[Anonymous]

I have a dilemma. I am a 44 year old woman. There's a guy I've known since I was 17. Off an on through the years we have had a causal relationship. I was in love with him when I was 17, now I am not.

Sometimes he has been in what was supposed to be a monogamous relationship with various women over the years. He has cheated on them, with me. Previously I justified it to myself, first, that I was in love with him. Then, because I was drunk (Not good reasons I know, but I am not prefect, at all).

He has recently come back into my life and we have slept with each other a few times. I had thought that he was single. He has just told me that he has a girlfriend (he didn't lie to me, I just assumed that he was single). I asked if she knew about our arrangement, and if she would be okay about it if she knew. He said that she wouldn't be too happy if she knew.

He has just gone on holiday with her, so it's that level of seriousness.

I said I would have to think about if I would see him again.

I can't justify it any way now. If I see him again, I will be helping him to cheat. However, I would not be cheating. And I have no desire to be his as a partner, or to come between him and his girlfriend. I do no mind that he has a girlfriend (apart from the cheating on her part). He only spends a short amount of time with me. Maybe an hour before he heads to work maybe every couple of weeks. But, as a society, what I would be doing would be seen as wrong. I would be part of him cheating. And, as a woman, I feel that I should be on the side of other women. At the same time, I enjoy seeing him, I've known him a long time, and we have fun. And it feels hard to give up what I enjoy for the sake of someone I don't know, and will never know.

I know that it would be a deception. But, I dunno, maybe it's because I'm autistic, I seem to see things a bit differently from other people. I don't seem to see cheating as as big a deal as others. And if she never finds out and never gets hurt, is it really bad? (I'm also pretty certain that she won't find out).

I know that even considering this makes me a bad person, I don't know why I am sharing it here, or even asking for advice. I know I shouldn't do it. I guess maybe I just want to really understand why I shouldn't do it.

Please try and not be too mean to me, I know I deserve it, but I'm really not a bad person, just not a perfect person.