Gaslighting? M60 F47

[tiggernx01]

Question. If I tell my partner of 9 years (based on various pieces of evidence) I believe she's cheating, and she says calling me paranoid and delusional counts as a denial and that what part of that I do not take to mean a denial? Is that a denial or gaslighting as the term goes?

[basil67]

If you've got the evidence, it doesn't matter what she says in response.  Just end the relationship

[tiggernx01]

it's not concrete but damning non the less

[basil67]

It's a no-win situation.  If she denies then it could be because she's not cheating.  Or it could be that she's lying.  Without concrete evidence, there's really not a lot you can do.

What kind of damning evidence do you have?  

[tiggernx01]

We both work for the same company. She is fully remote (WFH) I have to go to the office on Wednesdays. Two recent Wednesdays she has not worked and lied about it (1 of those was in her journal where she also said the less said about sex with me the better - yes, I know it was wrong to look but she won't talk to me) On both of those occasions, she washed the bed sheets with sanitizer. When we met, she said she was a virgin. Now she denies that too saying she has a lot of sexual experience before me. She has not done this for a little while. But when we would get home on the weekends from our activities, I would take a nap. She would say she forgot something from the store or has to return something to Amazon. This takes about 2-3 hours on average. One of those times, a while back, she would not answer her phone after being gone almost 4 hours. She claimed later she decided to see a movie with her father. So, am I crazy like she says?

[Sanch62]

Speaking only for myself, if my trust in a partner were to degrade to the degree that I’d want to snoop, then I’m already done.

This would become less about my partner, less about proving them disloyal, less about being right, and more about myself, my quality of life, and staying true to my own vision of how I want to live my best future.

Playing detective to prove anything would not be of interest to me. I’d already be gone. 

[tiggernx01]

A fair point. Leaving is problematic for various reasons. I have a lot to think about and consider

[MsJayne]

Calling you paranoid and delusional is only gaslighting if she's got nothing to hide. If she is in fact plonking someone else behind your back, then yes, it's gaslighting. You can buy unobtrusive cameras online which will link to your 'phone, maybe buy one and set it up outside your house somewhere, record who comes and goes on a Wednesday. If you co-own property and you find proof that she's cheating, get your legal ducks lined up before you confront her. 

[tiggernx01]

We live in an apartment. So, I'm not sure about the camera. I would think the bedroom would be the most logical location of choice though.

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, tiggernx01 said:

We live in an apartment. So, I'm not sure about the camera. I would think the bedroom would be the most logical location of choice though.

No, your front entry or other location where you won’t be accused of being a pervert who films her getting dressed. That’s an indictable offense in many locations.

Decide how low this relationship will sink you into ditching your own ethics. If you no longer respect this person enough to honor basic standards of decency, then what’s left to prove by being ‘right’? And what, exactly qualifies as right or wrong if you trash your own values?

Decide the kind of person you want to be, and make yourself proud about that rather than using righteousness as a race to the bottom of the barrel.

[tiggernx01]

Not remotely what I was thinking in regard to placement. Just didn't think outside would work out with property management even hidden. Opinion seems to be skewing in her favor. So, I guess it really is all in my head 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, tiggernx01 said:

Not remotely what I was thinking in regard to placement. Just didn't think outside would work out with property management even hidden. Opinion seems to be skewing in her favor. So, I guess it really is all in my head 

You have a door to your apartment that lets you in and out. Point it there on the inside of your unit if you feel a need to document entries to your home. Nobody is discounting your concerns. It just makes no sense to stay with a partner you don’t trust. Say you get your proof of disloyalty; then what?

[S2B]

On 7/27/2026 at 4:04 AM, tiggernx01 said:

We both work for the same company. She is fully remote (WFH) I have to go to the office on Wednesdays. Two recent Wednesdays she has not worked and lied about it (1 of those was in her journal where she also said the less said about sex with me the better - yes, I know it was wrong to look but she won't talk to me) On both of those occasions, she washed the bed sheets with sanitizer. When we met, she said she was a virgin. Now she denies that too saying she has a lot of sexual experience before me. She has not done this for a little while. But when we would get home on the weekends from our activities, I would take a nap. She would say she forgot something from the store or has to return something to Amazon. This takes about 2-3 hours on average. One of those times, a while back, she would not answer her phone after being gone almost 4 hours. She claimed later she decided to see a movie with her father. So, am I crazy like she says?

Based on all of these lies she tells consistently - you have no foundation for any relationship.

she isn’t treating you right! Leave her! 
if I can end a 27 year marriage = you can easily end this “relationship ship”. Yours is an excuse. You can end it!

you don’t trust her. She doesn’t offer you any truth. She doesn’t I tend to treat you right! There isn’t any reason to stay with her! And every reason to end it!