Gaslighting? M60 F47

[tiggernx01]

Question. If I tell my partner of 9 years (based on various pieces of evidence) I believe she's cheating, and she says calling me paranoid and delusional counts as a denial and that what part of that I do not take to mean a denial? Is that a denial or gaslighting as the term goes?

[basil67]

If you've got the evidence, it doesn't matter what she says in response.  Just end the relationship

[tiggernx01]

it's not concrete but damning non the less

[basil67]

It's a no-win situation.  If she denies then it could be because she's not cheating.  Or it could be that she's lying.  Without concrete evidence, there's really not a lot you can do.

What kind of damning evidence do you have?  

[tiggernx01]

We both work for the same company. She is fully remote (WFH) I have to go to the office on Wednesdays. Two recent Wednesdays she has not worked and lied about it (1 of those was in her journal where she also said the less said about sex with me the better - yes, I know it was wrong to look but she won't talk to me) On both of those occasions, she washed the bed sheets with sanitizer. When we met, she said she was a virgin. Now she denies that too saying she has a lot of sexual experience before me. She has not done this for a little while. But when we would get home on the weekends from our activities, I would take a nap. She would say she forgot something from the store or has to return something to Amazon. This takes about 2-3 hours on average. One of those times, a while back, she would not answer her phone after being gone almost 4 hours. She claimed later she decided to see a movie with her father. So, am I crazy like she says?

[Sanch62]

Speaking only for myself, if my trust in a partner were to degrade to the degree that I’d want to snoop, then I’m already done.

This would become less about my partner, less about proving them disloyal, less about being right, and more about myself, my quality of life, and staying true to my own vision of how I want to live my best future.

Playing detective to prove anything would not be of interest to me. I’d already be gone. 

[tiggernx01]

A fair point. Leaving is problematic for various reasons. I have a lot to think about and consider