Considering ending the relationship but feeling guilty because she asked for open marriage

[Anonymous]

 

She and I have been in a relationship for a while now, mostly long-distance, seeing each other every 2 to 3 months. She is down to earth, genuine, and we have similar life goals. I love her a lot, and I feel very peaceful around her.

Our problems started when I asked her if she found me attractive. She said no. When I asked more, she told me she had never really found me attractive and that she loved me for my personality. Eventually, she said she loved me in the same way she loves her family or her pet. She also said she had always known she wasn’t physically attracted to me, didn’t love me romantically, but wanted to give me a try anyway. After that, a lot of things started to make sense. I was always the one initiating sex, and even when we did have sex, she would mostly just lie there. I tried taking her to an adult shop, asking about her kinks and fantasies, but I didn’t really get anything from her.

When I finally asked if she actually enjoyed sex, she told me she doesn’t — she only does it to make me happy. When I asked if she found me attractive, she told me she had never found me physically attractive and still doesn’t. She said she has never felt physical desire for me, but loves me for my personality and could compromise on attraction and physical enjoyment for the rest of her life.

This caused a lot of arguments between us, and during that time she started obsessing over her ex-FWB, who she had slept with years ago. She tried to reach out to him, looked at his photos while lying in bed next to me, and even masturbated, but would not touch me when she was horny.

She also told me I have poor sexual performance, that I don’t last long, that I have a small penis, around 13–14 cm, and that I’m not deep enough to satisfy her. Not only that, she told all of her friends and family that I’m bad in bed, have small penis and don’t satisfy her sexually. When I asked her why she would say that to other people, she told me, “You should have told me it wasn’t okay to share.” She also asked for an open marriage because she said she was suffering from a lack of good sex. She basically told me, “If you performed well, then I wouldn’t have needed to think about open marriage.” I took us to couples counselling, and at the end she said, “If you gave me good sex, we wouldn’t need to be here.” She even downloaded Tinder and deleted it. I found that out when she gave me her phone to download an app and I saw a recent search for Tinder in the App Store. I had been cheated on in my previous relationship, and she knows that, yet she still did this. I’ve improved my stamina, but I can still tell she isn’t fully satisfied because she wanted to buy a toy. 

One of the main reasons she wants to marry me is because she wants a good father for her children. She says she could be a single mother, but she believes children need a good father, and she thinks I would be a good one. She also admitted that she is with me for practical reasons, although she does care about me.

Things have been very normal for the last month and a half, but I feel guilty whenever I think about breaking up with her. She has told me she will stop sharing details about my private life and will use toys to compromise. But I can’t stop feeling like I’m not enough for her whenever I have sex with her.

She moved here for me, and we do get along well. Her family treats me well, and breaking up with her would mean she has to pack up and go back to Taiwan. I’m finding it hard to end things. I don’t know if it’s because of my attachment, but if we don’t marry within a month, she has to go back to her country. 

[Gebidozo]

Please end this relationship right away.

This woman doesn’t love you. It’s hard to understand why you didn’t break up with her the moment she told you she wasn’t in love with you and wasn’t even sexually attracted to you. She was honest with you, and you should have left long time ago.

No romantic relationship can survive without that basic component. If you stay with her you’re just bound for suffering and misery.  Please don’t destroy your life by marrying her or having children with her.

[ShyViolet]

How is this even a question?  Only a person with really low self-esteem and self-worth would stay with a person like this.  This relationship needs to end and you need to not date again until you do some serious work on your self-esteem and your judgment in dating.  None of this is normal.

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

Her family treats me well, and breaking up with her would mean she has to pack up and go back to Taiwan. 

Ok then, she should go back.  That is not your problem.  It would be insane to marry someone who has point blank told you they are not attracted to you and doesn't love you romantically.  This is not a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

It would be very foolish to stay with this woman. 

You are signing up for a lifetime of misery if you make that mistake. Also, this isn't your problem: 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

breaking up with her would mean she has to pack up and go back to Taiwan

Then she needs to leave. She is clearly only with you as a way into your country. Nothing more.

[Carlston]

I read the initial post twice and still didn't see a question.

 

 

[flitzanu]

this is not a relationship, and you need to run away from this lady as fast as you can.