Would you stay after this, or would this be the point where you’d walk away?

[Rosefield]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and got engaged in December.

The last month has been extremely stressful. We finished a huge renovation, he has financial stress, I lost my dog, and I honestly wasn’t my best self. I became very negative and perfectionistic, which I regret and have taken responsibility for.

A few days ago he told me he doesn’t feel like himself anymore and thinks he might be burned out or depressed. We decided I’d stay with my parents for a while so he could work on himself.

Today, however, I found out that he also told his mother he wants to use this time to figure out whether he actually wants more freedom, whether he’d rather be single, or whether he still wants a life with me.

The confusing part? Today he also sent me a very emotional message saying he misses me terribly, that I’m his home, that he realizes he neglected me, and that he wants to work on himself so we can work on our relationship together.

What also hurt is hearing some of the things he complained about. For example, he apparently feels controlled because I wasn’t happy when he’d stay out drinking with colleagues until 2-3 AM on weekdays. From my perspective, I never had an issue with him seeing friends—I had an issue with him disappearing until the middle of the night during the work week without much communication.

The thing is… I’ve also made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship. I moved to a town far away from my family, adapted to a house I didn’t choose (he bought the house before our relationship), adapted to his dog, accepted that money was tight because of the renovation, and tried to build a future together.

Now I suddenly feel like I’m being “evaluated” to see whether single life feels better. That honestly hurts more than anything.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Would you still give this relationship another chance and see how things develop?

Or would this change how you look at your partner and make you question whether you’d even want to continue?

[Sanch62]

Speaking only for myself, when I’m in, I’m all in, and that can only be the case with a partner who is all in with me.

As for someone who’d resent me for being upset by his 3:AM drinking sprees, that wouldn’t be possible, as I’d never stay with a man who wanted to do that in the first place.

We can’t argue anyone into wanting what they don’t want. Any desire for those 3:AMs would have been a clear signal to me that we don’t share the same priorities and values, much less the same lifestyle. So there wouldn’t be anything to fight about. He’s not wrong or bad for wanting what he wants, and I’m not wrong for wanting something completely different in a partner.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Rosefield said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and got engaged in December.

The last month has been extremely stressful. We finished a huge renovation, he has financial stress, I lost my dog, and I honestly wasn’t my best self. I became very negative and perfectionistic, which I regret and have taken responsibility for.

A few days ago he told me he doesn’t feel like himself anymore and thinks he might be burned out or depressed. We decided I’d stay with my parents for a while so he could work on himself.

Today, however, I found out that he also told his mother he wants to use this time to figure out whether he actually wants more freedom, whether he’d rather be single, or whether he still wants a life with me.

The confusing part? Today he also sent me a very emotional message saying he misses me terribly, that I’m his home, that he realizes he neglected me, and that he wants to work on himself so we can work on our relationship together.

Intimacybuilding exercises

 

What also hurt is hearing some of the things he complained about. For example, he apparently feels controlled because I wasn’t happy when he’d stay out drinking with colleagues until 2-3 AM on weekdays. From my perspective, I never had an issue with him seeing friends—I had an issue with him disappearing until the middle of the night during the work week without much communication.

The thing is… I’ve also made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship. I moved to a town far away from my family, adapted to a house I didn’t choose (he bought the house before our relationship), adapted to his dog, accepted that money was tight because of the renovation, and tried to build a future together.

Now I suddenly feel like I’m being “evaluated” to see whether single life feels better. That honestly hurts more than anything.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Would you still give this relationship another chance and see how things develop?

Or would this change how you look at your partner and make you question whether you’d even want to continue?

Hi Rose.

Sorry about your dog and everything going on.

Sounds like a lot of bad stuff happened all at once and he is not handling it very well. Plus, you mentioned that part of your personality changed during this stressful time and you may have inadvertently caused your fiancé to reevaluate the relationship. I think he's freaking out about the wedding.

That said, sounds like you have made many sacrifices for him, not little ones, but BIG ones and he honestly doesn't sound very appreciative of it. Instead of him evaluating YOU, I would take some time apart and evaluate him! He's out getting drunk until 3 AM complaining that you "controlled" him because you wanted him home at a reasonable hour?

Honestly? I'd pump the brakes on this whole "let's work on us" thing for a second. You need to figure out if this is someone you even want to be with anymore. Because right now it sounds like he's treating you like an option he's testing out.

[teakitty]

Hi Rosefield,

I wouldn't be comfortable with his drinking to the wee hours of the morning either.

How do you divvy up the finances?

Do you pay for the house, too, and also the renovations?

Is you name on the title of the house or is it just in his name?

[La.Primavera]

I'm surprised you aren't the one reevaluating the relationship. 

If my partner was out that late in a week night, I would think something else was going on. If he then wanted to take a break from the relationship "space", it would be the same as ending the relationship. In your shoes, I would make plans to move back home or somewhere else and give him back his ring.

It would be really hard, but marriage is huge commitment. You need to know you can trust and rely on the person you marry. 

I imagine it must be hard facing this without having your loved ones close by. If you haven't done so already, I'd reach out to someone you trust to talk about this.

Edited 14 hours ago by La.Primavera

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Rosefield said:

For example, he apparently feels controlled because I wasn’t happy when he’d stay out drinking with colleagues until 2-3 AM on weekdays.

I'd be asking which one of them he has a crush on.

[flitzanu]

i'd say the bigger concern here is that you've already had a soft breakup.

he asked you to move out and go stay with your parents so he can be single.

 

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

I'm surprised you aren't the one reevaluating the relationship. 

This was my first thought as well.

Quote

... marriage is huge commitment. You need to know you can trust and rely on the person you marry. 

Exactly. What's to trust in someone who stays out all night? The only thing you can rely on is a likely wake-up visit from your local police to inform you of the kind of stuff that typically happens at 3:AM.

Think this through. Is this how you envision your future?