Retroactive Jealousy and Promiscuous past - Should I continue dating this woman? 27 M 27 F

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

Hi all, I need your opinion on this one. I've never been so flabbergasted about a dating situation, and I'm feeling crazy about it. 

TLDR: Went on trip with guy she had sex with previously, lied about past, was hesistant about a relationship

Context - Meet girl, 1 date, stop talking for 3 weeks because she was being dry. She comes back asking about a beach date I had suggested previously. But this time, she's being super sweet and kind, caring over the phone for 2 weeks. We agree to go. We say just sex no relationship. Fast forward, I'm wanting to date her but she's hesitant, she really likes me but she is happy single and has been single for 3 years. We agree to be exclusive. She says she wants to try, everything is great for two weeks

She had told me about a trip she was taking for 4th of July, and that it would be with a guy friend and a few girls she knows. Well, turns out she slept with the guy friend previously once before because "She was drunk" and that he developed feelings for her at one point, then she stopped talking to him for a few months, until they agreed to be friends. Well of course, I told her absolutely not, I don't want to continue talking if you go on this trip blah blah blah.. Well she said I'll video call you do everything to make sure you feel secure, etc.. She then goes and first thing she does is takes picture with his hat on, and a video with him a few feet behind her saying "cuties" for the caption. I rage at her and end things etc.. She calls me apologizing and saying nothing happened we are just really close friends, and that she meant to spell "cooties" (she's not from America) because it's an inside joke, and was showing her mutual friends that they were hanging out. I said ok. Her phone turns off later that night because her battery is broken and they were out (can confirm battery is actually broken - she went to get it fixed after) . The guy friend is also dating another girl that was on the trip with her.  This whole thing had me upset, insecure. I don't think anything actually happened, but I'm not 100 % sure still in my mind. 

 

Fast forward, I keep learning more about her past and it's very promiscuous in the last year or so, but before she was in a 3 year relationship. She ended up telling me details because I caught her lying about one past experience (my fault for having retroactive jealousy ocd) and I pressed her. The details have disgusted me, and it seems like she would travel places and use men however she could to save money because she doesn't make or have much money herself. This all has me disgusted and thinking different about her. I feel like I can't trust her because of the few lies I've caught, but they've all been about past experiences with men.

 

The good things are, she can be the sweetest girl in the world, funny, smart, has a positive attitude, is extremely beautiful, and I have the best sex I've ever had with her. She also has gone out of her way to earn my trust, including telling me what she's doing all the time, calling me everyday and night, blocking every guy that she had anything with or that wanted something with her, not accepting jobs so that she could see me on weekends, telling me about situations with guys wanting to take her out, etc.. She has put in some big effort in that regard. Thus, I keep forgiving these things and trying to move forward. But it seems like I keep being disappointed. 

 

I appreciate any outside thoughts and perspective, because I know I have issues like OCD, anxiety, anxious attachment, etc.. So maybe i take these things out of proportion, especially with her being from a Latin American country where male/female friendships are much more feasible and common.

Edited 21 hours ago by Unremarkable_Parrot

[Gebidozo]

21 minutes ago, Unremarkable_Parrot said:

I keep forgiving these things

There is nothing for you to “forgive” here.

She didn’t cheat on you, and her past is her past. Either accept it for real or break up with her if you can’t.

I doubt this is going to go well, though, because she is doing too much to appease your anxieties. She really shouldn’t turn down jobs or block everyone to make you feel better.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Unremarkable_Parrot said:

Hi all, I need your opinion on this one. I've never been so flabbergasted about a dating situation, and I'm feeling crazy about it. 

TLDR: Went on trip with guy she had sex with previously, lied about past, was hesistant about a relationship

Context - Meet girl, 1 date, stop talking for 3 weeks because she was being dry. She comes back asking about a beach date I had suggested previously. But this time, she's being super sweet and kind, caring over the phone for 2 weeks. We agree to go. We say just sex no relationship. Fast forward, I'm wanting to date her but she's hesitant, she really likes me but she is happy single and has been single for 3 years. We agree to be exclusive. She says she wants to try, everything is great for two weeks

She had told me about a trip she was taking for 4th of July, and that it would be with a guy friend and a few girls she knows. Well, turns out she slept with the guy friend previously once before because "She was drunk" and that he developed feelings for her at one point, then she stopped talking to him for a few months, until they agreed to be friends. Well of course, I told her absolutely not, I don't want to continue talking if you go on this trip blah blah blah.. Well she said I'll video call you do everything to make sure you feel secure, etc.. She then goes and first thing she does is takes picture with his hat on, and a video with him a few feet behind her saying "cuties" for the caption. I rage at her and end things etc.. She calls me apologizing and saying nothing happened we are just really close friends, and that she meant to spell "cooties" (she's not from America) because it's an inside joke, and was showing her mutual friends that they were hanging out. I said ok. Her phone turns off later that night because her battery is broken and they were out (can confirm battery is actually broken - she went to get it fixed after) . The guy friend is also dating another girl that was on the trip with her.  This whole thing had me upset, insecure. I don't think anything actually happened, but I'm not 100 % sure still in my mind. 

 

Fast forward, I keep learning more about her past and it's very promiscuous in the last year or so, but before she was in a 3 year relationship. She ended up telling me details because I caught her lying about one past experience (my fault for having retroactive jealousy ocd) and I pressed her. The details have disgusted me, and it seems like she would travel places and use men however she could to save money because she doesn't make or have much money herself. This all has me disgusted and thinking different about her. I feel like I can't trust her because of the few lies I've caught, but they've all been about past experiences with men.

Romance

 

 

The good things are, she can be the sweetest girl in the world, funny, smart, has a positive attitude, is extremely beautiful, and I have the best sex I've ever had with her. She also has gone out of her way to earn my trust, including telling me what she's doing all the time, calling me everyday and night, blocking every guy that she had anything with or that wanted something with her, not accepting jobs so that she could see me on weekends, telling me about situations with guys wanting to take her out, etc.. She has put in some big effort in that regard. Thus, I keep forgiving these things and trying to move forward. But it seems like I keep being disappointed. 

 

I appreciate any outside thoughts and perspective, because I know I have issues like OCD, anxiety, anxious attachment, etc.. So maybe i take these things out of proportion, especially with her being from a Latin American country where male/female friendships are much more feasible and common.

She didn't cheat on you but I wouldn't feel comfortable either with a boyfriend going on a trip with someone he slept with. That part is fair, finding out about the hookup after the trip was already booked that is something to actually be upset over. 

The lying is different though. Not because of anything she did before. Her past is hers. It is because she changed the story until you pushed the real version out of her. That part is about how honest she is being with you now.

That said, her past is not something you can erase and you can't police it or her and make her jump through hoops to soothe your own insecurities.

One issue is whether she has been straight since things got exclusive. The other is telling apart what is actually your gut versus anxiety that always needs more certainty than it is going to get. One is about her and one is about working through the OCD and attachment stuff so it does not keep coming up every night.

Edited 20 hours ago by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

She's lied about some pretty important things...using men to lighten the expenses on trips say a lot about her character. She doesn't have proper boundaries and lacks transparency. If I was dating someone that did stuff like that, that would be a dealbreaker for me. My advice is to breakup with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can nearly guarantee you that she isn't going to stick around long-term anyway, OP.

She has been wishy-washy about from the beginning and a relationship built around soothing anixety is not the foundation for anything healthy or sustainable. My guess is she will bounce when she meets the next guy she wants to date, because she isn't into you enough and is obviously not the right match for you. 

I wouldn't waste any more of my time or energy on this. It doesn't have the legs to last. 

[Sanch62]

She sounds like a cat. Nothing wrong with cats; they’re beautiful. Problem is, you’re her mouse. This doesn’t end well for you unless you can get the hell out of there before she’s done playing with you.

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

14 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She didn't cheat on you but I wouldn't feel comfortable either with a boyfriend going on a trip with someone he slept with. That part is fair, finding out about the hookup after the trip was already booked that is something to actually be upset over. 

The lying is different though. Not because of anything she did before. Her past is hers. It is because she changed the story until you pushed the real version out of her. That part is about how honest she is being with you now.

That said, her past is not something you can erase and you can't police it or her and make her jump through hoops to soothe your own insecurities.

One issue is whether she has been straight since things got exclusive. The other is telling apart what is actually your gut versus anxiety that always needs more certainty than it is going to get. One is about her and one is about working through the OCD and attachment stuff so it does not keep coming up every night.

I found out about the hookup before the trip, she told me as soon as we became a bit more serious. She also had the trip booked and paid for way before she met me.. So I can't fault her for going too much.. I get that I need to work on my anxieties and attachment issues, but the lie I mentioned was recently, after becoming exclusive.

 

It just makes me wonder what else she will lie about if I have to get information out of her like that. I think maybe she's nervous about the past that I will get angry or disgusted if she says something, just due to the arguments we had about the trip, so she could just be lying to avoid that, and honest about other things in the present. Not sure. I think I will just take a step back and be more observant about the things she does and says before making a decision.

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can nearly guarantee you that she isn't going to stick around long-term anyway, OP.

She has been wishy-washy about from the beginning and a relationship built around soothing anixety is not the foundation for anything healthy or sustainable. My guess is she will bounce when she meets the next guy she wants to date, because she isn't into you enough and is obviously not the right match for you. 

Couplescounseling directory

 

I wouldn't waste any more of my time or energy on this. It doesn't have the legs to last. 

I don't think it's a matter of her not liking me enough. She's made plans to move to another state to be with me. I appreciate your advice. I think I'll play it slow and see how it works out, I'll just be more cautious and thoughtful about things. I have my doubts but it's worth it to be patient and give it some time.

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

7 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

She sounds like a cat. Nothing wrong with cats; they’re beautiful. Problem is, you’re her mouse. This doesn’t end well for you unless you can get the hell out of there before she’s done playing with you.

What makes you say that?

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is nothing for you to “forgive” here.

She didn’t cheat on you, and her past is her past. Either accept it for real or break up with her if you can’t.

I doubt this is going to go well, though, because she is doing too much to appease your anxieties. She really shouldn’t turn down jobs or block everyone to make you feel better.

I didn't ask her to do those things. Also, she barely has enough time as is with work, so if she took extra jobs on the weekends all the time she'd never see me. Thanks for your opinion on this.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been dating?

[flitzanu]

just to help keep in your mind...you don't need to come up with logic or excuses if you want to break up.  if you're not happy or not comfortable, then you can just end it.  

you will have to find a way to let go of the past though, that's not something that can be changed.

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long have you been dating?

Datingtips guide

 

Known her for 3 months exclusive for about 1 month, but we both already knew we were moving in october/november

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

16 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

just to help keep in your mind...you don't need to come up with logic or excuses if you want to break up.  if you're not happy or not comfortable, then you can just end it.  

you will have to find a way to let go of the past though, that's not something that can be changed.

It's not that I'm not happy, it's just some issues that we have to work through. I don't want to break up, but I want to protect my peace and my heart, so I wanted some outside perspective.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Unremarkable_Parrot said:

Known her for 3 months exclusive for about 1 month, but we both already knew we were moving in october/november

Given that this is such a new relationship, I would not bank on big future plans just yet: 

4 hours ago, Unremarkable_Parrot said:

She's made plans to move to another state to be with me

This would be nuts for anyone to consider after just one month of dating. I think you are both getting way ahead of yourselves, especially given the drama. Tread cautiously and choose wisely. 

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Given that this is such a new relationship, I would not bank on big future plans just yet: 

Romance

 

This would be nuts for anyone to consider after just one month of dating. I think you are both getting way ahead of yourselves, especially given the drama. Tread cautiously and choose wisely. 

I told her exactly that, to be patient and consider that possibility in the future, and that we need to get through the next couple of months together and see how that goes first.

[FredEire]

It's a bit hard to tell from your account of things as it is your perspective which is going to read a certain way, but from what you say she sounds like a bit of a fly-by-night girl who flits from one situation to another quite quickly. I've dated characters like that in the past and while I'm not sure if sometimes they're really a good fit for anybody, they're often a very bad fit for anxious attachers which you seem to be and I can be in some situations.

Also I'm not really sure if it's the reality of things or just how you were interpreting it but if she really was using guys for money that's a pretty huge red flag, and I'd consider the possibility that you are in the same situation as them. The trip with the guy she used to date and the "cuties/cooties" thing just seems very odd and off to me. I don't think promiscuity in itself is an issue, everyone has a past and it doesn't dictate who they are now, but the reasons they have a lot of sexual partners do matter and if stuff like financial gain or obtaining something useful is definitely a factor I'd say that's a cue to get the hell outta there.

I'd also keep in mind though that you seem to have a little bit of a tendency towards jealously (no offense intended), which can warp things which may be more innocent in reality and turn them into a big deal. Overall I'm just not sure your styles are very compatible if I'm correct in my read that she's a little bit of a "free spirit" who might have a tendency to use people or be inconsiderate when she wants something, and you are more analytical and preoccupied. It's a dance that is probably going to get exhausting for both of you and reads more like a path to a very emotional crashout than long-term happiness.

[Unremarkable_Parrot]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It's a bit hard to tell from your account of things as it is your perspective which is going to read a certain way, but from what you say she sounds like a bit of a fly-by-night girl who flits from one situation to another quite quickly. I've dated characters like that in the past and while I'm not sure if sometimes they're really a good fit for anybody, they're often a very bad fit for anxious attachers which you seem to be and I can be in some situations.

People& Society

 

Also I'm not really sure if it's the reality of things or just how you were interpreting it but if she really was using guys for money that's a pretty huge red flag, and I'd consider the possibility that you are in the same situation as them. The trip with the guy she used to date and the "cuties/cooties" thing just seems very odd and off to me. I don't think promiscuity in itself is an issue, everyone has a past and it doesn't dictate who they are now, but the reasons they have a lot of sexual partners do matter and if stuff like financial gain or obtaining something useful is definitely a factor I'd say that's a cue to get the hell outta there.

I'd also keep in mind though that you seem to have a little bit of a tendency towards jealously (no offense intended), which can warp things which may be more innocent in reality and turn them into a big deal. Overall I'm just not sure your styles are very compatible if I'm correct in my read that she's a little bit of a "free spirit" who might have a tendency to use people or be inconsiderate when she wants something, and you are more analytical and preoccupied. It's a dance that is probably going to get exhausting for both of you and reads more like a path to a very emotional crashout than long-term happiness.

Your reply is very analytical and insightful. Thank you. 

I don't think she's exactly the free spirit type. I think She was in back to back 3 year relationships (6 years total) and got her heartbroken so she went to the opposite spectrum of being wild for around a year. I don't know if she uses guys for money, because she has offered to pay for things from the beginning (the very first date) with me. But it's hard to know for sure. She's definitely down for 50/50, wants to have a career, and suggested that she paid for more stuff than her ex did.

 

I think you're right that I should be careful and wary of this situation. I don't want to be the type to just say screw it, it's not gonna work out. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is from a different culture and has a different value set. It's definitely not off to an ideal start though. 

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, Unremarkable_Parrot said:

Your reply is very analytical and insightful. Thank you. 

I don't think she's exactly the free spirit type. I think She was in back to back 3 year relationships (6 years total) and got her heartbroken so she went to the opposite spectrum of being wild for around a year. I don't know if she uses guys for money, because she has offered to pay for things from the beginning (the very first date) with me. But it's hard to know for sure. She's definitely down for 50/50, wants to have a career, and suggested that she paid for more stuff than her ex did.

 

I think you're right that I should be careful and wary of this situation. I don't want to be the type to just say screw it, it's not gonna work out. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is from a different culture and has a different value set. It's definitely not off to an ideal start though. 

So what made you think that she was using guys for money like you said in OP?

I would say that having dated girls from Latin America myself that in certain cultures it is somewhat normal just to have a lot of sex with a lot of partners. I have been fairly promiscuous myself in the past and I don't see anything wrong with it as long as boundaries are respected and both people are in the same place about it being either a case of enjoying having sex together or exploring something more serious. Your partner having a lot of notches on their bedpost might just not be something that sits right with you though, and you have to ask yourself that question.

Like I said in the last post, what matter more than promiscuity is intentionality. If someone is generally honest and a good communicator and is upfront about everything, to me at least it doesn't matter that much if they were just horny and single for a while. If they were promiscuous because they wanted to gain something or had very low self-esteem and that was their only way to feel validated, that's a different story. People can change but needing sex as a way to feel wanted or whole is something I've realised is not exactly a recipe for anything good.

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Unremarkable_Parrot said:

What makes you say that?

She baits you to get reactions. She enjoys manipulating men; she’s already told you that. She’s playing with you. When that gets old, she’ll discard you.

Think about how much of what you react to comes directly from her lips to your ears. You think that’s because she’s just being honest with you?

Good luck with that.