Sleeping with close friends ex and she's furious!

[HappyCassie]

I have been widowed for five years and recently started an amazing sexual relationship with my close friend Pam's ex husband, David. They have been divorced for two years, and we've known each other for fifteen years. We all still see each other socially and Pam noticed some spark between David and I. When she asked me if he was 'bonking my brains out' I told her we had started sleeping together. She flew off the handle, said she knew he always found me more sexy than her, and told me she can't be friends with me any longer unless I stop seeing him! I don't want to lose her friendship of fifteen years, but David and I really fulfil each others needs and care for each other and I don't appreciate being given this ultimatum. Is she being unreasonable as she left him and does t want him, or am I the selfish one as I know it upsets Pam but I refuse to end what David and I have together?

[Alpacalia]

I think your friend has the right to decide what she can and can't accept in a friendship. Likewise, you have the right to decide whether continuing your relationship with her ex-husband is worth the cost of losing that friendship. 

[basil67]

She's not at all unreasonable - you broke the Girl-Code!    

I'm surprised she gave you an ultimatum, as I would have just unfriended you without a word

 

[stillafool]

I would never speak to you again.  I could never do anything like that to any friend of mine much less a close one.  There are just too many men in this world rather than make this choice.  Yes, you broke a serious girl code and can't be trusted.

[Alpacalia]

I dated someone for a couple of months; it wasn’t serious, but long story short, he ended up dating my cousin. They were together for four years. I was really hurt and angry at first, but eventually I got over it, and I’m still very close with my cousin. That was many years ago, so it’s definitely water under the bridge.

But friendships have boundaries, and this wasn’t some random ex from twenty years ago who she barely remembers. This is her close friend of fifteen years, someone who was part of her life while she was married to this man. There are certain choices that may be technically allowed but still deeply hurtful.

The comment about him finding you sexier than her is especially telling because it suggests this wasn’t just a neutral situation for your friend~! It likely touched on an insecurity or fear that she was someone that already felt compared to. Knowing that and still pursuing the relationship without considering the impact is where I think YOU could have shown more empathy.

Sometimes being a good friend means recognizing that not every choice is only about what you have the right to do, it’s also about what it costs the people you love. Just sayin'

 

[Gebidozo]

Hmm.

Being a man, I don’t know much about “girl code”.

Personally, I would have absolutely no problem if my best buddy hooked up with any of my exes.

I don’t even understand why that would be a problem for anyone. Exes are exes for a reason - there is no commitment, nobody owes anyone anything.

So personally, I don’t quite get your friend’s outrage. And, speaking for myself, I can only say that if my best friend gave me such an ultimatum because I fooled around with his ex, I would find it comically strange and just let him go.

I suspect that she isn’t over her ex yet, because I can’t think of any other explanation why she is taking it so seriously.

Edited 19 hours ago by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't continue the friendship with you either, OP. 

You are of course able to choose to sleep with whomever you want, but she is free to end the friendship there. It's a risk you took hooking up with this man. 

[Gebidozo]

Looks like I missed the part where you said you were all friends for 15 years.

That changes things , of course. The guy isn’t just her ex, he is someone you should have looked at as a brother, and he at you as a sister.

So it’s strange that now you’re sexually involved.

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Hmm.

Being a man, I don’t know much about “girl code”.

Personally, I would have absolutely no problem if my best buddy hooked up with any of my exes.

I don’t even understand why that would be a problem for anyone. Exes are exes for a reason - there is no commitment, nobody owes anyone anything.

So personally, I don’t quite get your friend’s outrage. And, speaking for myself, I can only say that if my best friend gave me such an ultimatum because I fooled around with his ex, I would find it comically strange and just let him go.

I suspect that she isn’t over her ex yet, because I can’t think of any other explanation why she is taking it so seriously.

Because it's icky isn't really about ownership, it's about what it does to the friendship.

Plenty of people who are totally over someone still feel weird about their best friend dating them. Let alone sleeping with them.

She probably feels like he valued getting laid over respecting a pretty basic boundary with his best friend.

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Hmm.

Being a man, I don’t know much about “girl code”.

Personally, I would have absolutely no problem if my best buddy hooked up with any of my exes.

I don’t even understand why that would be a problem for anyone. Exes are exes for a reason - there is no commitment, nobody owes anyone anything.

So personally, I don’t quite get your friend’s outrage. And, speaking for myself, I can only say that if my best friend gave me such an ultimatum because I fooled around with his ex, I would find it comically strange and just let him go.

I suspect that she isn’t over her ex yet, because I can’t think of any other explanation why she is taking it so seriously.

It's often about wanting the ex gone from your life as much as is reasonably possible.   If the relationship ended badly, the last thing you need is a friend keeping them in your life

[Sanch62]

If you’re willing to trash a friendship for a guy, then that’s what you’re willing to do. You don’t need anyone’s permission, approval, or agreement to do it.

You’ve been warned of the consequences, and the outcome is up to you. This friend must love you enough to offer the option, but she’s not willing to tolerate that man remaining in her life, even peripherally. So pick your poison.