Boyfriend broke up with me because he wants kids. But here's the thing....so do I

[crappedmypantsthrice]

We were very serious. He had met my family and friends, and I was due to go overseas to meet his family. We were talking marriage. 

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right. 

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part. 

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone. 

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it. 

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

How long were you together, and how old are you both?

 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long were you together, and how old are you both?

 

Almost a year. He is 40, I am 42. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this was going to work out anyway, to be honest. 

Sure, plenty of women now have children at your age (I'm 45, for the record, but happily childfree by choice) However, it does naturally come with a greater risk. Surely he was aware of this when you two started dating, as he knew how old you were. Your stats looks great, yes, but he also seemed to be forgetting that things might not stay that way if you had had the three kids he wanted. How old would you have been by that time? Well into your mid-late 40s. You're already 42 and you two haven't been together that long. I doubt you would have wanted to start trying to have a baby tomorrow and there's no telling how long it would actually take to conceive. 

Best odds, you'd have given birth at 43 or 44. And then he wanted another 2 on top of that? You'd have been pregnant, giving birth, recovering from birth and raising infants and toddlers until you are 50. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound too appealing or even that realistic. Those odds naturally do start working against you as time ticks on.  

Is that the life you'd have wanted, in your heart of hearts?

P.S. Never lose your sense of humour. That is a glorious username

Edited July 5 by ExpatInItaly

[Sanch62]

My heart goes out to you. The guy knew your age going into this. Just as things started getting real, his expectations of children now must equal 3, and suddenly he can do some math to dignify some self-exalted excuse for dumping you to seek a younger baby factory?

Either he was never too bright, or he’s been living with his head up his azz for the last year or so. I’m so sorry he’s hurt you this way, but you deserve better. Don’t you want a man who is all about partnering with you, not just a womb?

[Gebidozo]

Please don’t tell this guy anything. My opinion is that it was a good riddance.

You are over 40, which in itself should have been enough for anyone with a brain to understand that 2-3 kids were hardly an option to begin with.

On top of that, you have him ample warnings, yet he still chose to string you along until he finally made his choice: having kids with someone else is more important to him than being with you.

 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Please don’t tell this guy anything. My opinion is that it was a good riddance.

You are over 40, which in itself should have been enough for anyone with a brain to understand that 2-3 kids were hardly an option to begin with.

On top of that, you have him ample warnings, yet he still chose to string you along until he finally made his choice: having kids with someone else is more important to him than being with you.

 

They WERE an option. If we were able to explore IVF and donor eggs and adoption and all that. 

But...like you said....he made his choice. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

They WERE an option. If we were able to explore IVF and donor eggs and adoption and all that.

Was he really open to that, though? 

12 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

No, no, no.

If you guys can't read each other better than this and if he couldn't be comfortable with your pessimistic thinking (maybe realistic thinking) then it wasn't going to work out and bluntly, it shouldn't have worked out. 

You're acting like agreement (or lack thereof) was the problem. More specifically you think he found disagreement where you two were in fact largely in agreement. And I'm sorry: having a conversation with a nurse sister doesn't mean you would have changed your mind or talked and thought differently about having kids.

Here's what might have helped--if you had gone a level deeper and asked yourself, why would you even say "I might not be able to have kids" when in fact not being able to have kids is always a possibility in every relationship. More often, we think of this as the woman's issue. In fact, it's often the man's issue. 

Just did a quick AI check and here's basically what it said about the causes of fertility:

When couples face infertility, the medical root of the issue is generally split evenly: 

33% of cases are attributed solely to female factors.

33% of cases are attributed solely to male factors.

33% of cases involve a combination of both partners or are due to unexplained factors. 

Couples that are compatible can have these kinds of conversations. My sense is you guys aren't really compatible. There would be a thousand other issues you would have to communicate about--each sensitive as all. What if you don't like his mother? He doesn't like your mother? He's a spender. You're a saver. You think he's gaining too much weight--he thinks you are gaining too much weight. Your inability to communicate in a way that made each of you feel safe would have popped up in all those kinds of situations. 

And to be totally, completely, wildly blunt: If these conversations scared him away, he probably had other issues that were bothering him. He just didn't tell you about those issues, likely because they were more sensitive and more likely to lead you to feel bluntly attacked. 

 

 

[Sanch62]

14 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

I was due to go overseas to meet his family. We were talking marriage. 

This likely tripped his switch. Even if he's the one who volunteered these steps forward, on reflection, he may have done a turn toward feeling that he had overcommitted. To remedy this, he upped his desire for children to a hardened demand for 3 to disqualify you and make an exit to which you could not object.

Whether he really wants 3 kids or not is questionable, given that he already knew your age going into this relationship, and this wasn't a concern for him a year ago.

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like he wasn't that into the relationship anymore and wanted out, and was using this kid thing as an excuse.