Struggling to get over broken down friendship

[Gibbse]

I wrote on here nearly a year ago about being part of a mums' friendship group (Mums A, B and C, if anyone remembers), which I eventually left because of the backstabbing, b****y and two-faced behaviour. Looking back, leaving was absolutely the right decision. It was a toxic group and not one I wanted to be part of. However, I'm really struggling to move on from everything that happened and the way the friendship broke down. The damage it caused has affected me far more than I ever expected. I now find it incredibly difficult to trust people and have been unable to make new friends because I'm frightened of being hurt, rejected or abandoned again. The group has carried on as though nothing ever happened. New mums have joined, and they post photos on social media of their friendship group. Mum B is still very much the leader, and considered "Queen B" at the school, where she appears to still be popular amongst mothers. Seeing her makes me feel physically sick. Earlier this year, I bumped into Mum A – my former best friend – in a shop. We were polite and exchanged a few words, but afterwards I felt completely overwhelmed. I couldn't stop crying and felt physically sick for the rest of the day.

Earlier this year, my husband and I also made the decision to move our son to a different school because of ongoing bullying. It was absolutely the right decision, and he is now thriving and so much happier. However, I haven't tried to make any new mum friends at his new school. I simply keep my head down, drop him off, collect him at the end of the day and avoid getting involved. It's become a form of self-preservation. What has also been difficult is that none of the mums I knew at our old school, whether friends or acquaintances have stayed in touch, despite me making the effort. The same applies to my son's old friends. On the occasions he has seen them at school events, he has tried to speak to them, but they barely interact with him. I just don't understand why people behave like this. I'm so incredibly lonely. What hurts most is that these women seem able to carry on with their lives without a second thought, while continuing to gossip about people who have no idea what is being said behind their backs. It devastates me that this kind of behaviour seems to have no consequences, while I'm the one left struggling with the emotional fallout.

I know people will probably say, "Why do you still care?" or "Why are you letting them affect you?" The truth is, I ask myself the same question. I wish I could simply move on, but I can't seem to let go of what happened or the impact it has had on my confidence, my ability to trust people, and my willingness to form new friendships. I don't want these women to have this much power over me anymore, but I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gibbse said:

The group has carried on as though nothing ever happened. New mums have joined, and they post photos on social media of their friendship group.

I gather you are still connected with them on social media, then? 

It seems that this has really shaken you. Gently, have you considered therapy? It might be helpful to get this out to a neutral third party who also has the professional skills to offer effective coping mechanisms. 

[Alpacalia]

One thing I've learned is that betrayal doesn't just change how you see other people; it changes how safe the world feels for a while.

When someone you trusted hurts you, especially if it catches you completely off guard, it can take a long time to rebuild your confidence. Not because you're weak, but because your brain is trying to protect you from getting blindsided again. It's constantly scanning for signs that history might repeat itself.

The goal isn't to become someone who trusts everyone again. It's to reach a place where you know that even if someone disappoints you, you'll be able to handle it. That kind of confidence usually comes back gradually, one healthy interaction at a time....

[Gibbse]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I gather you are still connected with them on social media, then? 

It seems that this has really shaken you. Gently, have you considered therapy? It might be helpful to get this out to a neutral third party who also has the professional skills to offer effective coping mechanisms. 

Not with the main mums but yes with the newest members. Should I just unfriend all of them?

[Gibbse]

55 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

One thing I've learned is that betrayal doesn't just change how you see other people; it changes how safe the world feels for a while.

When someone you trusted hurts you, especially if it catches you completely off guard, it can take a long time to rebuild your confidence. Not because you're weak, but because your brain is trying to protect you from getting blindsided again. It's constantly scanning for signs that history might repeat itself.

The goal isn't to become someone who trusts everyone again. It's to reach a place where you know that even if someone disappoints you, you'll be able to handle it. That kind of confidence usually comes back gradually, one healthy interaction at a time....

Thank you for your response. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Gibbse said:

Not with the main mums but yes with the newest members. Should I just unfriend all of them?

May I ask why are you still connected with this group at all after what you've been through with them?  Wouldn't it be better to try to make friends with the moms at your son's new school instead of being connected in any way to that other group.  I also think you still being connected is keeping you stuck.  Stop looking at what they are doing.  Disconnect from them.

[La.Primavera]

7 hours ago, Gibbse said:

Not with the main mums but yes with the newest members. Should I just unfriend all of them?

Yes, unfriend them all. It should help you heal and move on faster.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Gibbse said:

Not with the main mums but yes with the newest members. Should I just unfriend all of them?

Given the level of distress it's bringing you to see what they're up to? Yes, I wouold unfriend them all. 

It doesn't sound like you're close to the newest members anyway. I wouldn't see the need to keep connected on social media with any of them.