Hiding me from friends and family and now ghosting me

[Foolforlove82]

I've been dating this woman for over a year and a half. Overall has been a great relationship and we've had a lot of fun. She recently got her own place after living with a roommate for years and we discussed me moving in, but both decided the time was not right both financially and logistically. Well, she recently lost her job and was going through a bit of a rough patch, so I spent a lot of time over with her to be there emotionally and to help out with things she needed. One thing that never sat well with me is that she always kept me from her roommate/best friend. The only times I met her was when my gf needed me to do something to help them out and it seemed like I was just some guy doing her a favor. A couple weeks ago, she told me her 32 year old daughter was coming into town. Her father is deceased and according to my gf, she told the daughter all about me and that I would get to meet her and we would do some things together. Come the day of her arrival, I did not hear from her for a bit so I texted her to ask if everything was ok. She told me that the daughter did NOT want to meet me. I asked what brought that about and she said that "she just said it and I can't force it". It all seemed very strange as it went against what she said and she didn't even provide any sort of explanation. So I left it be for a couple days until my birthday came and I didn't even get any sort of acknowledgement from her.. I texted and called but with no response. I could understand if her daughter didn't want to meet some other man in her moms life, but she simply could have told me that. I don't know if she simply had no intention of introducing me or said something to make her not want to meet me. I'll try again after the daughter leaves, but really, how can I possibly continue on after this?

[introverted1]

How old are you?  How old is your gf?

[Foolforlove82]

She is 52. I am 44

[Foolforlove82]

29 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

How old are you?  How old is your gf?

She is 52. I am 44

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, Foolforlove82 said:

She is 52. I am 44

I am wondering if the daughter is put off by your age. To be clear, I am not saying I see anything wrong with your ages but as the daughter is herself 32, I wonder if she sees you as a more of a contemporary and not someone suitable for her mother?  Or are there other factors/issues that the daughter might be reacting to?

Regardless, this is something your gf should be taking care of. An 18-month relationship is significant and if she is content to hide you when her daughter visits (as well as from her roommate/bestie), this speaks to some serious reservations on her part.

[Foolforlove82]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

I am wondering if the daughter is put off by your age. To be clear, I am not saying I see anything wrong with your ages but as the daughter is herself 32, I wonder if she sees you as a more of a contemporary and not someone suitable for her mother?  Or are there other factors/issues that the daughter might be reacting to?

Regardless, this is something your gf should be taking care of. An 18-month relationship is significant and if she is content to hide you when her daughter visits (as well as from her roommate/bestie), this speaks to some serious reservations on her part.

I'm not sure if that's the case, but if it does mean anything, the daughter herself did marry a man 35 years older than her, so I don't know that she would have a problem with our 8 year gap. Even if that was the case, I think I'd at least get that explanation. I have no idea what she was told about me or if she was told anything at all. I don't think the daughter is even the issue at all as I've been ghosted ever since.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you met anyone in your girlfriend's life, and been introduced as her boyfriend? 

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, Foolforlove82 said:

I have no idea what she was told about me or if she was told anything at all. I don't think the daughter is even the issue at all as I've been ghosted ever since.

Are there other issues?  Anything the mother could have shared with others that would put them off?

If not, I think you have to consider that your gf, for whatever reason, is not nearly as committed to the relationship as you thought. 

[Foolforlove82]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you met anyone in your girlfriend's life, and been introduced as her boyfriend? 

Now that you mention it. No

[Foolforlove82]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

Are there other issues?  Anything the mother could have shared with others that would put them off?

If not, I think you have to consider that your gf, for whatever reason, is not nearly as committed to the relationship as you thought. 

I have been going through a divorce and do have a special needs child(does not live with me). This was always known and was not a problem to her, as far as I know.

[introverted1]

Just now, Foolforlove82 said:

Now that you mention it. No

Something is really off here.  If you do end up speaking with your gf, I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is hiding you. 

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Foolforlove82 said:

I have been going through a divorce and do have a special needs child(does not live with me). This was always known and was not a problem to her, as far as I know.

So you are currently married? 

Were you married when you first started dating?

Is the gf a result of an affair?

Edited 4 hours ago by introverted1

[Foolforlove82]

Just now, introverted1 said:

So you are currently married? 

Not anymore, recently completed.

[Foolforlove82]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So you are currently married? 

Were you married when you first started dating?

Is the gf a result of an affair?

I had just separated when we started dating and no, not the result of an affair. 

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, Foolforlove82 said:

Not anymore, recently completed.

 

1 minute ago, Foolforlove82 said:

I had just separated when we started dating and no, not the result of an affair. 

I'm out of ideas.  

[Foolforlove82]

Just now, introverted1 said:

 

I'm out of ideas.  

Yeah me too. I just think she wasn't serious about the whole thing. Thank you for your input.

[Sony12]

I doubt the age difference is the issue. Am eight year difference isn't that big of a deal when one of the individuals is in their 50's. If you were say 34 instead of 44 then sure as that would be a bigger age gap but really a 44 year old isn't going to be all that different from a 52 year old.

One thing I am noticing through your posts though is that you never really say what you two do. All you really say is that you go over to her house when she is usually away from all her family and friends. Are you sure you haven't been 'fling' or casual sex material this entire time and the relationship you thought you were building with this lady was mostly in your mind? As that's usually what people who are around each other mostly for casual sex do. They just hang out at one or both of their houses.

 

 

Edited 3 hours ago by Sony12

[Foolforlove82]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I doubt the age difference is the issue. Am eight year difference isn't that big of a deal when one of the individuals is in their 50's. If you were say 34 instead of 44 then sure as that would be a bigger age gap but really a 44 year old isn't going to be all that different from a 52 year old.

One thing I am noticing through your posts though is that you never really say what you two do. All you really say is that you go over to her house when she is usually away from all her family and friends. Are you sure you haven't been 'fling' or casual sex material this entire time and the relationship you thought you were building with this lady was mostly in your mind? As that's usually what people who are around each other mostly for casual sex do. They just hang out at one or both of their houses.

 

 

It was definitely more than just that. We've been involved 19 months and have been building a future together. It was a little slow as she has been through a lot with her husband passing a few years back and me working through a difficult divorce/family situation, but we always had our eyes on the future. We went to movies all the time, went to fairs, did grocery shopping together, and even a couple of trips. She did always have me at her place when the roommate was gone which I did call her on and never really got a good answer. After she got her own place, I was over about 4 times a week.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Foolforlove82 said:

It was definitely more than just that. We've been involved 19 months and have been building a future together. It was a little slow as she has been through a lot with her husband passing a few years back and me working through a difficult divorce/family situation, but we always had our eyes on the future. We went to movies all the time, went to fairs, did grocery shopping together, and even a couple of trips. She did always have me at her place when the roommate was gone which I did call her on and never really got a good answer. After she got her own place, I was over about 4 times a week.

Nineteen months is a long time to date someone and never meet anyone important in their life. On its own, not meeting an adult daughter might be explainable. Not meeting the best friend/roommate for a year and a half is much harder to explain, especially when she only wanted him around when the roommate wasn't there.

Could there be an innocent explanation? Sure. Maybe there was a family conflict, maybe she got overwhelmed after losing her job, maybe she shut down emotionally. But if that were the case, it's difficult to explain why she couldn't send a simple text saying, "I'm sorry, I need some space."

The pattern of hiding him from everyone important is what concerns me the most. Healthy relationships generally become more integrated into each other's lives over time, not less. After 19 months, most people would have met at least a friend, sibling, coworker, or adult child.

I also think Sony12 raises a fair question, although I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he was only a fling. Your description of trips, shopping together, frequent time at her apartment, and discussing moving in sounds more substantial than a casual relationship. 

If she does eventually contact you, I'd be more interested in why, after nearly two years, you had never been introduced to anyone significant in her life. That's the conversation that was overdue long before the ghosting happened.

[Sony12]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Nineteen months is a long time to date someone and never meet anyone important in their life. On its own, not meeting an adult daughter might be explainable. Not meeting the best friend/roommate for a year and a half is much harder to explain, especially when she only wanted him around when the roommate wasn't there.

Could there be an innocent explanation? Sure. Maybe there was a family conflict, maybe she got overwhelmed after losing her job, maybe she shut down emotionally. But if that were the case, it's difficult to explain why she couldn't send a simple text saying, "I'm sorry, I need some space."

The pattern of hiding him from everyone important is what concerns me the most. Healthy relationships generally become more integrated into each other's lives over time, not less. After 19 months, most people would have met at least a friend, sibling, coworker, or adult child.

I also think Sony12 raises a fair question, although I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he was only a fling. Your description of trips, shopping together, frequent time at her apartment, and discussing moving in sounds more substantial than a casual relationship. 

If she does eventually contact you, I'd be more interested in why, after nearly two years, you had never been introduced to anyone significant in her life. That's the conversation that was overdue long before the ghosting happened.

One other thing to keep in mind is that she was a widow. Moving on from their dead spouse can be difficult for many and for some it takes longer then just a few years if they were still in love with them at the time of their death. Going and doing things and having sex with someone is an entirely different thing then admitting that you have found a replacement for their spouse that died.

[Sanch62]

So you have met the friend when asked to help with something? Did GF introduce the two of you by name, or were you left to introduce yourself?

Is it possible that the two women were or are lovers?

As for daughter, we don’t know whether she brought her own life issues to her mother and isn’t in a state to meet you at this time. That may not be about you, but rather the daughter herself.

Have you introduced GF to anyone significant in your life?

 

[Sony12]

Oh that's right. Yeah that's definitely a possibility if they were 'best friends' living together.

I don't know where the OP lives but here in America middle aged individuals who aren't related to each other are often living together for a specific reason.

Edited 1 hour ago by Sony12