11 month relationship ended - she lost romantic feelings / depression / overwhelm

[lgoando]

Hey everyone. Long post sorry in advance, I've been going through it and could use some outside perspective from people who've been in something similar or actually reconciled.

I'm M21, was with my ex (F20) for about 11 months (would've been our one year in mid june). First real relationship for both of us. We were really close, saw each other basically every day or every other day, trips together, cooked, watched shows, whole thing. We were each other's first for everything intimate too so it meant a lot to me.

She ended it May 22nd. Last time we talked was May 26th when we exchanged stuff (clothes, gifts, etc). We never officially said no contact but I haven't reached out since and she hasn't either. So about 5-6 weeks of silence now.

How it went down:

She actually kind of warned me a week or two before. Came over one night while I was gaming with friends, sat on the couch looking miserable, started crying, said she wasn't happy and was thinking about breaking up. We didn't fully end it then but it was obviously coming.

When we talked for real she said she lost romantic feelings and didn't feel like herself. But it wasn't just about me - she said she'd been isolating from everyone, any social thing even with people she loves could put her in a bad mood, she felt disconnected from everyone, "no one makes me happy I just want to be alone and I don't know why." When I asked if it was depression she said maybe. She was also slammed, RA, part-time job, heavy course load. So I think she was depleted before the relationship even felt hard. She also said stuff like I deserve better, she hadn't been treating me well lately (she'd been antisocial and grumpy), she wasn't good enough for me, etc.

She was crying a lot through all of this. Didn't feel cold or like she hated me. She said she still cared about me. At the item exchange she asked if I was okay, I kinda lost it and said I love you (slipped out, I know, not my finest moment) and apologized for times my anxiety put pressure on the relationship. She basically told me I didn't need to apologize.

She kept some stuff I gave her, cards, notes, a shirt I gave her early on. She didn't want to throw any of it away. I don't know if that means anything or if people just keep stuff, but figured I'd mention it.

Some context on my side (being honest because I think it matters):

I struggle with anxiety. Looking back I was doing a lot of reassurance seeking, not always trusting her when she'd reassure me about stuff, and sometimes when she'd vent about something I'd try to fix it or flip it to worrying about whether she was gonna break up with me instead of just listening. She told me once I "try too hard" and it felt like she was walking on eggshells. She also said something like I'd decide something about her in my head and then she couldn't change it, example being I kept worrying she was sick before a trip even after she said she wasn't.

I didn't handle the end great. I begged a little more than I wish I had. Made some dumb jokes during the serious talk that upset her. I know that probably confirmed what she was already feeling.

There was no cheating (that I know of, and I don't think so), no abuse, we weren't long distance - same college, like 5 min apart. Breakup was more "I don't feel the same and I'm not okay" than "you did something unforgivable."

One thing I'm realizing in therapy is that after I transferred schools, she basically became my main local pillar, social life, emotional support, daily routine, while most of my friend group was still back home. I don't think that caused the breakup by itself, but I think it made the relationship feel heavier for her when she was already overwhelmed, and it made me more anxious/reassurance-seeking when she pulled back. I'm working on building an actual life here (gym, rock climbing, trying to make local friends) not as a tactic (maybe not fully) but because I know that dynamic wasn't healthy for either of us.

Where I'm at now:

I'm doing NC. Therapy. Gym/PT. Trying to actually work on the anxiety stuff not just for her but because I know I was a lot sometimes. I deleted dating apps, not trying to "move on" in a performative way, I'm just... I want to know if reconciliation is realistic in a situation like this and what that actually looks like when it's a lost feelings / mental health / overwhelm type breakup and not a cheating or hate breakup.

I'm not asking for a magic text to send her. I'm not planning to break NC tomorrow or anything. I guess I want to know:

1. Has anyone reconciled when the dumper said they lost romantic feelings but it was tied to depression, burnout, shutting down from everyone, etc?

2. If you did reconcile, how long was NC, who reached out first, and what did the first few contacts look like? Was it immediate "I want you back" or more slow?

3. What actually had to be different the second time? Especially if the dumpee was anxious / a lot emotionally.

4. Real talk - how often does this type NOT reconcile even when the dumper still cared and cried and all that?

5. Is there a point where reaching out makes sense or is it basically always wait for them in this scenario?

Sorry. I'm tired and upset today. Just want honest answers, not just "forget her bro" (I know that's the default advice everywhere else).

Thanks in advance. I really just want to do whatever I can to get her back, I know its not 100% but I wanna give myself the best odds.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP. It's hard when a first love comes to an end. 

It sounds like she doesn't have hard feelings towards you but it fizzled out for her. There might be some external stressors but it also appears she knows in her herat that this wasn't working for her anymore. I would not worry about reconciliation or ponder the odds when she has not given you any indication that she would be open to it. It's a tough pill to swallow but it doesn't make sense to wait. I would focus instead on healing and moving forward. 

4 hours ago, lgoando said:

she said she'd been isolating from everyone, any social thing even with people she loves could put her in a bad mood, she felt disconnected from everyone, "no one makes me happy I just want to be alone and I don't know why." When I asked if it was depression she said maybe.

This may be the case, but do know that dumpers sometimes say these things in an effort to soften the blow. Her real feelings are also tied up in this: 

4 hours ago, lgoando said:

She told me once I "try too hard" and it felt like she was walking on eggshells. She also said something like I'd decide something about her in my head and then she couldn't change it,

This gets very draining to deal with, and can kill attraction. I know you realize that now, but it seems you didn't get that it was placing a burden on her to essentially manage your anxiety for you. 

4 hours ago, lgoando said:

Made some dumb jokes during the serious talk that upset her.

What did you joke about? 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't think reconciliation is impossible.

I also don't think there's enough here to predict that it's likely. Five or six weeks is still relatively early after an 11-month first relationship.

She sounds highly depressed and burnt out. Someone can be depressed and genuinely lose romantic feelings. 

The hard part is that there's really nothing you can do to speed up whatever she's going through. Staying in no contact, working on your own anxiety, rebuilding your social life, and letting her have the space she asked for are honestly the best things you can do. If she does reach a point where she's feeling better and starts wondering about the relationship again, she'll know how to reach you.