Reading too much into it?

[WorldTraveler]

So I’ve been seeing this girl for the past month and some change. We have been on a handful of dates and she has made it evident that she does like me and is interested in seeing where things might go. However, I am not the best communicator and many times she’s told me sometimes she doesn’t know if I even like her. She’s told me that she’s had guys in the past make it very known that they like her. She even went as far to say how she’s had some guys begging for her attention. Immediately told her that won’t be me and I’m just not as responsive with my phone as she is but we should be able to find some middle ground. 

 

Well last week, things had been going well up until this last weekend where I could sense a shift. She started pulling away and seemed to be creating distance.  Texts became shorter and then I got left on read Friday night. So I reached back out to see when we’d be hanging out and told me she felt like it’s not a priority for me so maybe next week. Next day was told that she feels like when we’re together it’s great in person but outside of that things are lacking and she needs more. 

 

Well we agreed yesterday morning to give it a shot and then things seemed to be going good, but then slowed down last night where I was left on read again. I followed up with a cute/flirty message and that was not read until the morning after which she just said “good morning” and didn’t even acknowledge my flirty text. All the night before she had been out with friends and never checked in. When I brought this up to her she told me that since we’re not official or haven’t set any boundaries or labels she didn’t feel like she had to check in. 

 

To note, we still haven’t had sex. 1. Because of logistics - she lives with her parents and so do I. And 2. She’s is trying something new supposedly and has this unwritten rule where she wants to wait 90 days before sleeping together to find a good partner. Frustrating, but I’ve respected these boundaries and she has shown a lot of restraint. Even when I got a hotel for the night a few weeks ago, all we did was cuddle. So I’m over here sexually frustrated as sexual compatibility is a huge thing but that’s still unknown at this point.

 

Also to note, she gave me her location a few weeks ago, but to be honest, I don’t really keep tabs on her. But last night when she just left me on read, I checked to see where she was and could see she was leaving a bar and then went to a house that was not her own. Of course emotions were high and mind went to the worst places thinking she was with a guy. Well shortly after, I had a friend tell me he thought he saw her in fact leave the bar with a guy. I’ll admit this is where I got a tad crazy because I then looked up the address to see who owned it and it was a guy 18 years older than her whose name sounded familiar. So I checked her Instagram and sure enough he was a follower of hers so they clearly know each other.  

 

So after initially being concerned of her safety, I then became upset thinking she was hooking up with this guy seeing how it was after midnight. Even more pissed because she was making me wait 90 days, but then in my head went right away to some guys house for presumed sex. All after telling me that morning she wanted to give us a shot. So words not potentially matching actions here and it didn’t help that I have no clue who this guy is or their history. 

 

This morning after she finally replied I cautiously tried to sniff things out seeing what she’d tell me. Asking her “how did your night end?” “Hope you made it back home safe to your parents” and other questions to gauge things. Only for her to respond with vague answers that didn’t exactly provide many clues.

 

But at the end of the day to her point, we’re not official or exclusive. We did not set boundaries so even if something did happen, I feel like I can’t be mad since we’ve only been talking for a month . And after I met up with her to talk today it was very one sided of me talking and her just mostly apologizing, not really countering my talking points. I told her about what my friend saw, her cold shoulder and lack of communication, but she basically didn’t provide any further details or reassurance of who she was with or why things have been the way they are. She just basically said how my feelings were valid and she’s sorry I went through all the stress of the past two days but would work on some things on her end. 

 

We then did talk about exclusivity and agreeing to only seeing each other. And immediately after this it’s like her entire mood switched 180 from yesterday. Poured it on strong with compliments of my looks. Told me how she really likes me and wants to be with me. It almost felt disingenuous but idk what to think at this point. Worst part of this is I’m moving a state over for a new job and she can’t come with right now so we’d soon be doing long distance and now I have this memory that will forever imprint in my brain and I feel like trust has been shaken even though we’re not official. Also I feel like since she did all this I definitely am more interested and want her more which makes me question if this was all planned to some degree.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Do I not deserve an answer or reasoning or reassurance since it’s so fresh into us dating and we just now became exclusive? Does this all sound suspicious to only me? Just not satisfied with the answers given and honestly not sure how I want to proceed with her given all this. 

[Smallturtle26]

This sounds like an anxious avoidant cycle. When you first started seeing her she brought up a need. She needed you to meet her in the middle and affirm her more that you liked her.(I think this is avoidant tendencies by you)I think that’s reasonable but I don’t think she should have brought up how other men treat her. Comparison like that is unhealthy in my eyes. Because you didn’t work on your communication with her she began to pull away because I think she felt her emotional safety was rocky with you. 
 

only when she pulled away did you begin to change your communication (her pull back made you an anxious attacher and she became avoidant). This push/ pull dynamic will be exhausting to deal with especially with it showing up so early in the connection. If you really like her I’d set aside time with her to tell her how you feel about everything, what you need and how you guys can work together to mitigate this pattern in the future. I think she’s warmer with you now because you gave her a sense of security 

[basil67]

You weren't exclusive, and she couldn't even tell if you were interested due to your poor communication.  Frankly, I'm even a great texter but if someone wasn't responsive on their phone, I'd probably have one foot out the door too.  

With regards to you being not responsive, if she messages and you're with friends do you  A: ignore the message or B: send a couple of brief texts telling her what you're doing and letting her know you'll call her at an agreed time?   

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this is a match, OP. 

You have very different expectations and needs, and your relationship styles don't align. She wanted more, and you (to her) only seemed to want more when she pulled back and there was a seed of doubt planted in your mind. That isn't the basis for anything healthy moving forward, espeically with you about to move. I can't see this fragile connection surviving that. 

[WorldTraveler]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

You weren't exclusive, and she couldn't even tell if you were interested due to your poor communication.  Frankly, I'm even a great texter but if someone wasn't responsive on their phone, I'd probably have one foot out the door too.  

With regards to you being not responsive, if she messages and you're with friends do you  A: ignore the message or B: send a couple of brief texts telling her what you're doing and letting her know you'll call her at an agreed time?   

I’m in the B boat personally. Try to text back within the half hour if out.

[Sony12]

People choosing to wait for sex is often a case by case basis. Sometimes they meet individuals that they want to have sex with right away and other times they don't. Respect their decision they made with you but don't immediately assume they are making that same decision with everyone else.

It's also entirely possible she had been dating that other guy the entire time she had been dating you. In the end though if she spends a lot of time hanging out at bars and that's something that isn't out of the ordinary for her her intentions probably aren't always real pure.

In the end if she was wanting to wait for sex and you were a in little frustrated by it that was a compatibility issue between you two right there and you two should have immediately called things off as soon as you found that fact out and not dragged it out any further.

Edited June 30 by Sony12

[WorldTraveler]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

People choosing to wait for sex is often a case by case basis. Sometimes they meet individuals that they want to have sex with right away and other times they don't. Respect their decision they made with you but don't immediately assume they are making that same decision with everyone else.

It's also entirely possible she had been dating that other guy the entire time she had been dating you. In the end though if she spends a lot of time hanging out at bars and that's something that isn't out of the ordinary for her her intentions probably aren't always real pure.

In the end if she was wanting to wait for sex and you were a in little frustrated by it that was a compatibility issue between you two right there and you two should have immediately called things off as soon as you found that fact out and not dragged it out any further.

Yeah I always figure that in the early stages of dating the woman is probably seeing others and I just try not to think about it. However more concerning is that I found out she doesn’t prefer condoms and she is wanting to come off her birth control because of the side effects. I don’t prefer that style of sex unless we’ve been exclusively committed given the risk of STI’s and all. And even then since I’m not currently planning to have a child it still stresses me out.

[Sanch62]

On 6/29/2026 at 9:29 AM, WorldTraveler said:

I got left on read Friday night. So I reached back out to see when we’d be hanging out and told me she felt like it’s not a priority for me so maybe next week. Next day was told that she feels like when we’re together it’s great in person but outside of that things are lacking and she needs more. 

Many women are taught that a man who treats you casually on a Friday or Saturday night assumes your weekend availability and is taking you for granted. When a man is interested, he'll want to reserve your dating time by planning a date in advance and inviting you earlier in the week.

While that may sound old fashioned, signs of respect have been passed down to women through the ages, and this woman has been trying to tell you that your treatment of her has been too casual and signals low interest.

As for tracking her whereabouts, I can only speak for myself. I've ended up at many homes after bars--it's where the parties were. While a host may have driven me or walked with me, I still met my friends there when I landed.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Many women are taught that a man who treats you casually on a Friday or Saturday night assumes your weekend availability and is taking you for granted. When a man is interested, he'll want to reserve your dating time by planning a date in advance and inviting you earlier in the week.

Onlinedating coaching

 

While that may sound old fashioned, signs of respect have been passed down to women through the ages, and this woman has been trying to tell you that your treatment of her has been too casual and signals low interest.

As for tracking her whereabouts, I can only speak for myself. I've ended up at many homes after bars--it's where the parties were. While a host may have driven me or walked with me, I still met my friends there when I landed.

While true however she likely isn't going with a group of friends to a man's house nearly twenty years older then her. Especially if she is leaving to go to his house from a bar.

In the end there just seems to be a lot of incompatibilities between these two and neither has probably been real honest with the other.

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

While true however she likely isn't going with a group of friends to a man's house nearly twenty years older then her. Especially if she is leaving to go to his house from a bar.

In the end there just seems to be a lot of incompatibilities between these two and neither has probably been real honest with the other.

The day after, we talked and I told her about what my friend saw. But after having a long conversation it was a lot of me talking and her apologizing. Didn’t acknowledge whereabouts or provide any reassurance or further information about being at some guys house. But said how if we wanted to become exclusive she’s happy to do so. Again an explanation probably wasn’t owed to me but still. If something sexual took place it’s whatever I suppose. But the more bothersome thing is the fact that it may have happened the same day she ended up telling me she wanted to give us another shot. 
 

Now after I explained everything to her and communicated what I was feeling she’s changed completely. Super flirty and responsive.  I asked her what’s up with the sudden change? And she told me how she realized how stupid she was being and how I deserve her 100% attention and no more half ass texting or playing hard to get. She said how she just wanted me to try harder and put more effort in. So not sure if this was all some manipulative ploy on her end or what. 

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

The day after, we talked and I told her about what my friend saw. But after having a long conversation it was a lot of me talking and her apologizing. Didn’t acknowledge whereabouts or provide any reassurance or further information about being at some guys house. But said how if we wanted to become exclusive she’s happy to do so. Again an explanation probably wasn’t owed to me but still. If something sexual took place it’s whatever I suppose. But the more bothersome thing is the fact that it may have happened the same day she ended up telling me she wanted to give us another shot. 
 

Now after I explained everything to her and communicated what I was feeling she’s changed completely. Super flirty and responsive.  I asked her what’s up with the sudden change? And she told me how she realized how stupid she was being and how I deserve her 100% attention and no more half ass texting or playing hard to get. She said how she just wanted me to try harder and put more effort in. So not sure if this was all some manipulative ploy on her end or what. 

Time for you two to part ways. She said s in no way being completely honest with you and from now on you will always have it in the back of your mind if she is going home with guys from the bar.

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Sony12 said:

While true however she likely isn't going with a group of friends to a man's house nearly twenty years older then her. Especially if she is leaving to go to his house from a bar.

After bar parties were usually hosted by the old geezers who wanted to make friends with all the young people in town. They worked out for everyone because the bars were expensive, and the parties were a way to either get treated to free drinks by the host, or people pooled their money to buy packaged goods and go to where they could freely smoke, vape, or do whatever. Bonus when the old guy had a pool table, shuffle board or a swimming pool.

It’s pretty common for townies to go to bars and round up people for a party. I just don’t think it’s a great idea to assign guilt onto anyone with whom you’re interested in continuing a relationship. Either you trust a person, or you don’t. If not, why keep messing with them?

[Alpacalia]

She was within her rights to spend her Saturday however she wanted before you were exclusive.

You were within your rights to decide that her behavior made you uncomfortable enough to reconsider dating her.

You're interested in her more, because she became emotionally unavailable. Uncertainty increases attraction because you're suddenly trying to regain security. Do you actually like her more now, or you're reacting to the fear of losing her?

[WorldTraveler]

On 7/3/2026 at 3:22 PM, Alpacalia said:

She was within her rights to spend her Saturday however she wanted before you were exclusive.

You were within your rights to decide that her behavior made you uncomfortable enough to reconsider dating her.

You're interested in her more, because she became emotionally unavailable. Uncertainty increases attraction because you're suddenly trying to regain security. Do you actually like her more now, or you're reacting to the fear of losing her?

Those are the things I’m trying to answer. And in regard to the sex, yeah she did nothing wrong. But it’s simply more the fact that she did it the same day as saying she wanted to give us a real shot. Makes me feel like she was just saying what I wanted to hear. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

But it’s simply more the fact that she did it the same day as saying she wanted to give us a real shot. Makes me feel like she was just saying what I wanted to hear

So are you still seeing her? 

[WorldTraveler]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So are you still seeing her? 

I’m sorry for this long winded answer but just need someone to tell me her behavior is nuts. This just doesn’t seem normal and absolutely nothing makes logical sense other than my frustrations…
 

Things were going well until last night where I witnessed multiple red flags in the span an hour argument. For some context this weekend she had the house to herself and the plan was to come over and spend the weekend together. All week leading up to it was flirty and very sexual. She repeatedly told me what she wanted to do sexually over the weekend. Jokes how we’re gonna be busy all night/weekend long and “don’t plan on leaving the house” and “hope you can keep up”. Friday was fine but ultimately she ended up denying my advances multiple times so I went to bed. We woke up the following day and took a mini road trip where we actually go to meet her parents for the day. I could tell it was important to her so I happily agreed. Because we stayed with her big family in an RV overnight no sex again understandably. 

So finally yesterday in my mind I’m like it has to be tonight. All signs were pointing to it, we start making out and getting very handsy thinking it’s gonna happen and then after a few minutes of touching, she denies me again saying how she “has to be a good girl”. And that’s when I’m left bewildered and we spend an hour talking about it. 

She gave multiple reasons as to why sex was going to happen but didn’t… 

She tells me that she had all the intentions of having sex this weekend. But wanted it to be natural and on her terms and didn’t want to feel pressured. Despite me never once pressuring her or being pushy once she stopped my advances. Then claims we didn’t have sex the first night because she thought I’d be too drunk and be unable to perform even though this wasn’t remotely true. Then it turned into not having sex because I make her nervous and she just wants it to be perfect. It just felt like the reasoning for not having sex kept changing. Like each explanation that arose was followed by a different one only after each previous explanation no longer made sense. And then it turned into gaslighting which was fun…

“we should be able to determine if we’re sexually compatible without having sex based on all the things we’ve done up to this point. I’m able to determine that but if you can’t I’m sorry” 

“Well I was planning on having sex tonight but now that you got all upset it kind of ruined the mood.”

I asked her if this whole weekend was going to be one big tease, why say all the sexual things earlier in the week setting those expectations and giving false hope? And she said how that was just her way of being flirty. But it wasn’t just subtle flirting it was explicit statements of what would  be taking place. 

Then tells me how me getting upset after she denied me is the exact reason she’s enacted the 90 day rule. Because it allows her to see how a guy responds after being withheld sex to see if he’s a good guy or not. I can and respect the 90 day rule if it was something she was doing to feel safe or build trust or whatever.  But the way she’s doing it feels way different than that. It feels like she’s withholding sex to gather judgement or to evaluate me and I don’t like that.

And then finally after our arguement I’m clearly pissed so just go on my phone to disengage. This seemed to upset her and she gets me to try to put it down by offering to charge it next to her. And I say no I’m good and keep texting on the phone which then leads to her to becoming annoyed and saying how she doesn’t like how I’m on my phone after our discussion because it makes her feel like I’m talking to people about what just went down. Then proceeds to threaten me by saying “you better hope I don’t find out whoever it is you’re talking to.”

She ended up sleeping in the other room for half the night before coming back and apologizing at 3 am saying how she really does want to be with me. Proceeds to get sexual and handsy AGAIN. Directing our hands certain places…. So I think okay maybe makeup sex is gonna happen. But then the second I attempt to kiss her back she stops me again and turns over just to cuddle. 

My god what an exhausting day. What in the world is going on?

Edited July 5 by WorldTraveler

[Sony12]

You realize she is just playing with your mind at this point right? You really need to end things with her. You clearly want sex out of the relationship and she isn't all that interested in having sex with you in return for whatever reason.

If you two ever do end up having sex I guarantee you it's not going to be very satisfying for either one of you. Good physical chemistry between two people comes from both enjoying the same mutual thing with each other. Which you two clearly aren't interested in.

 

Edited July 5 by Sony12

[introverted1]

OP, you mention that you both live at home.  How old are you both?  Is she or you a virgin? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, WorldTraveler said:

My god what an exhausting day. What in the world is going on?

You really need to learn how to extricate yourself from dead-end situations asap. If it's not working and it's clear it's not going to work, respectfully wish the woman well and walk away. No need for endless debates, discussions, games, etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, WorldTraveler said:

What in the world is going on?

What's going on is that you are trying to fit a sqaure peg into a round hole. 

You two are clearly not right for each other. Why bother with all this extra nonsense? 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

My god what an exhausting day. What in the world is going on?

I can imagine, it was exhausting for me to even read your description.

I would have stopped dating that girl a long time ago. “90 day rule”, endless teasing, gaslighting - all that sounds like a toxic high school romance. Life is too short for manipulations and made up issues.

Who cares what’s going on, just leave her already and find a woman who actually knows what she wants.

[WorldTraveler]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

You realize she is just playing with your mind at this point right? You really need to end things with her. You clearly want sex out of the relationship and she isn't all that interested in having sex with you in return for whatever reason.

If you two ever do end up having sex I guarantee you it's not going to be very satisfying for either one of you. Good physical chemistry between two people comes from both enjoying the same mutual thing with each other. Which you two clearly aren't interested in.

Standardized& Admissions Tests

 

 

Absolutely is clear as day. I know a part of it is unfortunately she was raped at 13. Add to that her last bf before me was abusive. So I know this is paying a large role. Which is why I have been very patient and not overly pushy about things but then where I get confused is why would someone with this kind of history be as sexually explicit and forward as she has been?

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

OP, you mention that you both live at home.  How old are you both?  Is she or you a virgin? 

 

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

OP, you mention that you both live at home.  How old are you both?  Is she or you a virgin? 

She is 25 I am 33. Both living at home temporarily due to circumstance. And neither of us are virgins. 

[WorldTraveler]

22 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I can imagine, it was exhausting for me to even read your description.

I would have stopped dating that girl a long time ago. “90 day rule”, endless teasing, gaslighting - all that sounds like a toxic high school romance. Life is too short for manipulations and made up issues.

Who cares what’s going on, just leave her already and find a woman who actually knows what she wants.

God I know, I’m too old for this nonsense. And I think the age difference unfortunately has something to do with it. The gas lighting to my face was something I had never experienced before. Wild stuff.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

where I get confused is why would someone with this kind of history be as sexually explicit and forward as she has been?

We don't know, and really, does it makes sense to waste your time wondering?

You need to just stop seeing her.