Reading too much into it?

[WorldTraveler]

So I’ve been seeing this girl for the past month and some change. We have been on a handful of dates and she has made it evident that she does like me and is interested in seeing where things might go. However, I am not the best communicator and many times she’s told me sometimes she doesn’t know if I even like her. She’s told me that she’s had guys in the past make it very known that they like her. She even went as far to say how she’s had some guys begging for her attention. Immediately told her that won’t be me and I’m just not as responsive with my phone as she is but we should be able to find some middle ground. 

 

Well last week, things had been going well up until this last weekend where I could sense a shift. She started pulling away and seemed to be creating distance.  Texts became shorter and then I got left on read Friday night. So I reached back out to see when we’d be hanging out and told me she felt like it’s not a priority for me so maybe next week. Next day was told that she feels like when we’re together it’s great in person but outside of that things are lacking and she needs more. 

 

Well we agreed yesterday morning to give it a shot and then things seemed to be going good, but then slowed down last night where I was left on read again. I followed up with a cute/flirty message and that was not read until the morning after which she just said “good morning” and didn’t even acknowledge my flirty text. All the night before she had been out with friends and never checked in. When I brought this up to her she told me that since we’re not official or haven’t set any boundaries or labels she didn’t feel like she had to check in. 

 

To note, we still haven’t had sex. 1. Because of logistics - she lives with her parents and so do I. And 2. She’s is trying something new supposedly and has this unwritten rule where she wants to wait 90 days before sleeping together to find a good partner. Frustrating, but I’ve respected these boundaries and she has shown a lot of restraint. Even when I got a hotel for the night a few weeks ago, all we did was cuddle. So I’m over here sexually frustrated as sexual compatibility is a huge thing but that’s still unknown at this point.

 

Also to note, she gave me her location a few weeks ago, but to be honest, I don’t really keep tabs on her. But last night when she just left me on read, I checked to see where she was and could see she was leaving a bar and then went to a house that was not her own. Of course emotions were high and mind went to the worst places thinking she was with a guy. Well shortly after, I had a friend tell me he thought he saw her in fact leave the bar with a guy. I’ll admit this is where I got a tad crazy because I then looked up the address to see who owned it and it was a guy 18 years older than her whose name sounded familiar. So I checked her Instagram and sure enough he was a follower of hers so they clearly know each other.  

 

So after initially being concerned of her safety, I then became upset thinking she was hooking up with this guy seeing how it was after midnight. Even more pissed because she was making me wait 90 days, but then in my head went right away to some guys house for presumed sex. All after telling me that morning she wanted to give us a shot. So words not potentially matching actions here and it didn’t help that I have no clue who this guy is or their history. 

 

This morning after she finally replied I cautiously tried to sniff things out seeing what she’d tell me. Asking her “how did your night end?” “Hope you made it back home safe to your parents” and other questions to gauge things. Only for her to respond with vague answers that didn’t exactly provide many clues.

 

But at the end of the day to her point, we’re not official or exclusive. We did not set boundaries so even if something did happen, I feel like I can’t be mad since we’ve only been talking for a month . And after I met up with her to talk today it was very one sided of me talking and her just mostly apologizing, not really countering my talking points. I told her about what my friend saw, her cold shoulder and lack of communication, but she basically didn’t provide any further details or reassurance of who she was with or why things have been the way they are. She just basically said how my feelings were valid and she’s sorry I went through all the stress of the past two days but would work on some things on her end. 

 

We then did talk about exclusivity and agreeing to only seeing each other. And immediately after this it’s like her entire mood switched 180 from yesterday. Poured it on strong with compliments of my looks. Told me how she really likes me and wants to be with me. It almost felt disingenuous but idk what to think at this point. Worst part of this is I’m moving a state over for a new job and she can’t come with right now so we’d soon be doing long distance and now I have this memory that will forever imprint in my brain and I feel like trust has been shaken even though we’re not official. Also I feel like since she did all this I definitely am more interested and want her more which makes me question if this was all planned to some degree.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Do I not deserve an answer or reasoning or reassurance since it’s so fresh into us dating and we just now became exclusive? Does this all sound suspicious to only me? Just not satisfied with the answers given and honestly not sure how I want to proceed with her given all this. 

[Smallturtle26]

This sounds like an anxious avoidant cycle. When you first started seeing her she brought up a need. She needed you to meet her in the middle and affirm her more that you liked her.(I think this is avoidant tendencies by you)I think that’s reasonable but I don’t think she should have brought up how other men treat her. Comparison like that is unhealthy in my eyes. Because you didn’t work on your communication with her she began to pull away because I think she felt her emotional safety was rocky with you. 
 

only when she pulled away did you begin to change your communication (her pull back made you an anxious attacher and she became avoidant). This push/ pull dynamic will be exhausting to deal with especially with it showing up so early in the connection. If you really like her I’d set aside time with her to tell her how you feel about everything, what you need and how you guys can work together to mitigate this pattern in the future. I think she’s warmer with you now because you gave her a sense of security 

[basil67]

You weren't exclusive, and she couldn't even tell if you were interested due to your poor communication.  Frankly, I'm even a great texter but if someone wasn't responsive on their phone, I'd probably have one foot out the door too.  

With regards to you being not responsive, if she messages and you're with friends do you  A: ignore the message or B: send a couple of brief texts telling her what you're doing and letting her know you'll call her at an agreed time?   

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this is a match, OP. 

You have very different expectations and needs, and your relationship styles don't align. She wanted more, and you (to her) only seemed to want more when she pulled back and there was a seed of doubt planted in your mind. That isn't the basis for anything healthy moving forward, espeically with you about to move. I can't see this fragile connection surviving that. 

[WorldTraveler]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

You weren't exclusive, and she couldn't even tell if you were interested due to your poor communication.  Frankly, I'm even a great texter but if someone wasn't responsive on their phone, I'd probably have one foot out the door too.  

With regards to you being not responsive, if she messages and you're with friends do you  A: ignore the message or B: send a couple of brief texts telling her what you're doing and letting her know you'll call her at an agreed time?   

I’m in the B boat personally. Try to text back within the half hour if out.

[Sony12]

People choosing to wait for sex is often a case by case basis. Sometimes they meet individuals that they want to have sex with right away and other times they don't. Respect their decision they made with you but don't immediately assume they are making that same decision with everyone else.

It's also entirely possible she had been dating that other guy the entire time she had been dating you. In the end though if she spends a lot of time hanging out at bars and that's something that isn't out of the ordinary for her her intentions probably aren't always real pure.

In the end if she was wanting to wait for sex and you were a in little frustrated by it that was a compatibility issue between you two right there and you two should have immediately called things off as soon as you found that fact out and not dragged it out any further.

Edited 6 hours ago by Sony12

[WorldTraveler]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

People choosing to wait for sex is often a case by case basis. Sometimes they meet individuals that they want to have sex with right away and other times they don't. Respect their decision they made with you but don't immediately assume they are making that same decision with everyone else.

It's also entirely possible she had been dating that other guy the entire time she had been dating you. In the end though if she spends a lot of time hanging out at bars and that's something that isn't out of the ordinary for her her intentions probably aren't always real pure.

In the end if she was wanting to wait for sex and you were a in little frustrated by it that was a compatibility issue between you two right there and you two should have immediately called things off as soon as you found that fact out and not dragged it out any further.

Yeah I always figure that in the early stages of dating the woman is probably seeing others and I just try not to think about it. However more concerning is that I found out she doesn’t prefer condoms and she is wanting to come off her birth control because of the side effects. I don’t prefer that style of sex unless we’ve been exclusively committed given the risk of STI’s and all. And even then since I’m not currently planning to have a child it still stresses me out.

[Sanch62]

On 6/29/2026 at 9:29 AM, WorldTraveler said:

I got left on read Friday night. So I reached back out to see when we’d be hanging out and told me she felt like it’s not a priority for me so maybe next week. Next day was told that she feels like when we’re together it’s great in person but outside of that things are lacking and she needs more. 

Many women are taught that a man who treats you casually on a Friday or Saturday night assumes your weekend availability and is taking you for granted. When a man is interested, he'll want to reserve your dating time by planning a date in advance and inviting you earlier in the week.

While that may sound old fashioned, signs of respect have been passed down to women through the ages, and this woman has been trying to tell you that your treatment of her has been too casual and signals low interest.

As for tracking her whereabouts, I can only speak for myself. I've ended up at many homes after bars--it's where the parties were. While a host may have driven me or walked with me, I still met my friends there when I landed.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Many women are taught that a man who treats you casually on a Friday or Saturday night assumes your weekend availability and is taking you for granted. When a man is interested, he'll want to reserve your dating time by planning a date in advance and inviting you earlier in the week.

Onlinedating coaching

 

While that may sound old fashioned, signs of respect have been passed down to women through the ages, and this woman has been trying to tell you that your treatment of her has been too casual and signals low interest.

As for tracking her whereabouts, I can only speak for myself. I've ended up at many homes after bars--it's where the parties were. While a host may have driven me or walked with me, I still met my friends there when I landed.

While true however she likely isn't going with a group of friends to a man's house nearly twenty years older then her. Especially if she is leaving to go to his house from a bar.

In the end there just seems to be a lot of incompatibilities between these two and neither has probably been real honest with the other.

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

While true however she likely isn't going with a group of friends to a man's house nearly twenty years older then her. Especially if she is leaving to go to his house from a bar.

In the end there just seems to be a lot of incompatibilities between these two and neither has probably been real honest with the other.

The day after, we talked and I told her about what my friend saw. But after having a long conversation it was a lot of me talking and her apologizing. Didn’t acknowledge whereabouts or provide any reassurance or further information about being at some guys house. But said how if we wanted to become exclusive she’s happy to do so. Again an explanation probably wasn’t owed to me but still. If something sexual took place it’s whatever I suppose. But the more bothersome thing is the fact that it may have happened the same day she ended up telling me she wanted to give us another shot. 
 

Now after I explained everything to her and communicated what I was feeling she’s changed completely. Super flirty and responsive.  I asked her what’s up with the sudden change? And she told me how she realized how stupid she was being and how I deserve her 100% attention and no more half ass texting or playing hard to get. She said how she just wanted me to try harder and put more effort in. So not sure if this was all some manipulative ploy on her end or what. 

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

The day after, we talked and I told her about what my friend saw. But after having a long conversation it was a lot of me talking and her apologizing. Didn’t acknowledge whereabouts or provide any reassurance or further information about being at some guys house. But said how if we wanted to become exclusive she’s happy to do so. Again an explanation probably wasn’t owed to me but still. If something sexual took place it’s whatever I suppose. But the more bothersome thing is the fact that it may have happened the same day she ended up telling me she wanted to give us another shot. 
 

Now after I explained everything to her and communicated what I was feeling she’s changed completely. Super flirty and responsive.  I asked her what’s up with the sudden change? And she told me how she realized how stupid she was being and how I deserve her 100% attention and no more half ass texting or playing hard to get. She said how she just wanted me to try harder and put more effort in. So not sure if this was all some manipulative ploy on her end or what. 

Time for you two to part ways. She said s in no way being completely honest with you and from now on you will always have it in the back of your mind if she is going home with guys from the bar.