Always the dumpee. What am I doing wrong?

[Smallturtle26]

I desire marriage and am willing to take accountability and work on things and yet I always get dumped.I’ve never had a relationship last less than a year which makes this situation more concerning to me and now I fear I will always be abandoned. How do I figure out if I’m the problem, am unlucky or I just haven’t found my match yet?

Things I’m aware are growth areas (to me they aren’t deal breakers. Tell me if I’m wrong):

1. Communicate sooner how much I care- I tend to wait longer than average to say “I love you” bc I want to make sure I completely know the person

2. Text more often. I have a busy career/ travel schedule. Most of my partners have wanted more texting from me but it honestly feels unnatural/ forced texting through the work day. I don’t want to be thinking while hanging out with friends if too much time has passed since I reached out.

3. Do not pull away when overwhelmed. I need time to process when a disagreement happens so that I can come back to the conversation in a healthy, calm headspace. Numerous relationship coaches have told me it’s healthy to do what I do but it has made every single one of my partners upset and they believe it’s immature.

4. Don’t  assume things are fine because I I’m content. Check in with partner regularly to make sure their needs are met. Otherwise, their unmet needs could lead to resentment

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

Communicate sooner how much I care- I tend to wait longer than average to say “I love you”

What do you feel is average, and how long have you waited?

5 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

I have a busy career/ travel schedule. Most of my partners have wanted more texting from me but it honestly feels unnatural/ forced texting through the work day.

Many of us don't text much during the work day in particular. I don't either. Did your exes expect you to take time away from work to text them?

5 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

Do not pull away when overwhelmed. I need time to process when a disagreement happens so that I can come back to the conversation in a healthy, calm headspace.

Define "pull away" - how much time did you take, and did you communicate to your exes that you just needed some time to process? Or did you just drop off the radar? 

 

[Smallturtle26]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you feel is average, and how long have you waited?

Many of us don't text much during the work day in particular. I don't either. Did your exes expect you to take time away from work to text them?

Define "pull away" - how much time did you take, and did you communicate to your exes that you just needed some time to process? Or did you just drop off the radar? 

 

1-2yrs. Some left due to lack of love 

yes my exes prefer I check in through the day. On the weekend if a partner knows I’m out with friends or I’m taking a nap and they text me then they’re unhappy and think I don’t care about them. 

pull away=I might be in a funk for a few hours or be working through some adult issue and they won’t hear from me for like 6hrs (obviously if we had plans that day I’d follow through with the plans or tell them I had an issue) and then I apologize for a delay. IF there’s a big rupture like they threaten to breakup with me or call me a name I can take 8hrs- 2days to process. It’s never to punish I just need to get my mind in a stable place to return as the healthiest version of me possible. I really struggle to come back before I’m ready and my partners read it as stonewalling, immaturity or lack of care. I will apologize and say I just need time to think or if it’s a shorter period of time like 6hrs and I just got home from something heated then I won’t give warning unless they reach out expressing upset

[basil67]

Following on from your response to Expat:

1. I would not be sticking around waiting for a guy who takes 1-2 years to say he loves me.  

2. I think it's reasonable to say to a partner "I'll be out for the evening, so I hope you have a nice night and I'll talk to you in the morning".  Would the women accept this?

3 a You refer to being in a funk or having adult issues.  What exactly is an "adult issue"?

   b What kind of things might provoke threats to break up or calling you a name or generally get heated?   It's impossible to comment further without knowing if things are actually  breakup worthy.  

 

 

Edited 19 hours ago by basil67

[Smallturtle26]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Following on from your response to Expat:

1. I would not be sticking around waiting for a guy who takes 1-2 years to say he loves me.  

2. I think it's reasonable to say to a partner "I'll be out for the evening, so I hope you have a nice night and I'll talk to you in the morning".  Would the women accept this?

3 a You refer to being in a funk or having adult issues.  What exactly is an "adult issue"?

   b What kind of things might provoke threats to break up or calling you a name or generally get heated?   It's impossible to comment further without knowing if things are actually  breakup worthy.  

 

 

1. It takes me that long because guys usually switch up their behavior with me after a year 

2. yea that’s how I usually handle it or give them the schedule in advance and call them on my way home. Adult issues meaning getting a credit card # stolen and being on the phone with the bank all morning trying to fix it before a work trip (wouldn’t be able to travel without a working card). Or dealing with an elderly relative. 

3. miscommunication that wasn’t brought up until they were resentful and I was totally in the dark that they were unhappy with my behavior. Behavior being timing in which I told them about work, not needing to tell them the details about something that upset me unrelated to them and taking space when upset. Gave no time for me to mitigate concerns 

[smackie9]

Looks like you are being a bit emotionally closed off in those situations. People want intimate connection...texting shouldn't be a chore, communication is totally lacking. Warm communication, being excited to hear from them, squeezing them in when you have a busy schedule to make them feel special, and if you need space, be able to gently ask for it but only make it for 10 to 20 minutes to collect yourself...not hours of days. 

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

How do I figure out if I’m the problem, am unlucky or I just haven’t found my match yet?

In my opinion, you haven’t found your match yet.

Based on the information you provided here, your partners were either too demanding, clingy, controlling, immature, aggressive, or various combinations thereof.

Sadly, the above describes a lot of people. You need to keep dating and eventually you’ll find a mature partner.

[basil67]

 When it comes to the cause, I'd say there are things you could do better, and things the guys could do better.  But of course, you can only control what you do.

2 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

1. It takes me that long because guys usually switch up their behavior with me after a year 

Not just guys. Most of us are on our best behaviour for the first 6-9 months and then we start to relax and our real self comes out.   Though if you do feel love, waiting 1-2 years to say it won't help the relationship.   Conversely, if you're not feeling love (or something like it) at the 9 month point, then it's time to call it quits

2 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

2. yea that’s how I usually handle it or give them the schedule in advance and call them on my way home. Adult issues meaning getting a credit card # stolen and being on the phone with the bank all morning trying to fix it before a work trip (wouldn’t be able to travel without a working card). Or dealing with an elderly relative. 

This is all entirely reasonable on your part.   If you're not already doing so, it wouldn't hurt to respond with 'Can't talk now. Will call you later'

2 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

3. miscommunication that wasn’t brought up until they were resentful and I was totally in the dark that they were unhappy with my behavior. Behavior being timing in which I told them about work, not needing to tell them the details about something that upset me unrelated to them and taking space when upset. Gave no time for me to mitigate concerns 

I have to admit that I have very low tolerance for a partner who has a mood and won't tell me why.  It's actually up there on my list of my dealbreakers.  If you're not going to share, then keep on behaving like a good partner so that they can't tell there's an issue.  Or if you can't keep going normally, then keep your partner in the loop.  

[Smallturtle26]

4 minutes ago, sunglitters101 said:

i don't think you're doing anything wrong, it seems like you are aware of what you need to work on and are communicating your perceived "flaws". you probably just haven't met the right one, because the right person would be able to meet you where you are and challenge you while still giving you space to grow and be a better partner to make the relationship work. where are you typically meeting the people you are dating and what is it typically like in the early stages before monogamy? maybe that can give you some insight 

My first two partners I just met out in the wild and the others I met through online dating. In the early stages my need for space during conflict doesn’t come up. I’d say I’m warm but slow to warm up when it comes to physical contact of any kind. This can confuse some people and so I have to communicate that is not them but that developing emotional connection is very important to me. It’s been easy for me to get into relationships up until the last year.

my question would be then- if I’m not doing anything “wrong”. Would my weak spots in relationships cause most to end it? I’m not familiar with partners who are willing to work on things such as this

[Smallturtle26]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 When it comes to the cause, I'd say there are things you could do better, and things the guys could do better.  But of course, you can only control what you do.

Not just guys. Most of us are on our best behaviour for the first 6-9 months and then we start to relax and our real self comes out.   Though if you do feel love, waiting 1-2 years to say it won't help the relationship.   Conversely, if you're not feeling love (or something like it) at the 9 month point, then it's time to call it quits

This is all entirely reasonable on your part.   If you're not already doing so, it wouldn't hurt to respond with 'Can't talk now. Will call you later'

I have to admit that I have very low tolerance for a partner who has a mood and won't tell me why.  It's actually up there on my list of my dealbreakers.  If you're not going to share, then keep on behaving like a good partner so that they can't tell there's an issue.  Or if you can't keep going normally, then keep your partner in the loop.  

Got it. I can do better about communicating when I’m in the middle of something urgent.

i hear you on the mood thing. I actually do it because I like to show up as an attentive/ loving partner. If I’m upset about something stupid unrelated to the relationship I just want to sleep it off for a few hours and come back happy. I wish it was ok to do that without a full explanation because nothing is actually wrong I’m just regulating. I guess I see it the same as doing chores or something- you might go an hour or two without responding because you’re taking care of what needs to be done?

what sucks is I’d totally do whatever my partner needs but some of it is not intuitive to me and I’ll miss something 

[Smallturtle26]

4 minutes ago, sunglitters101 said:

it could be part of the reason, but only the other partner would be able to tell you for sure. what reason do they usually give when they end things? people can view your weak spots as incompatibilities that they personally aren't willing to work through with you. i do think that a lot of people now are quick to throw in the towel because of inconveniences so there's many factors. i am not familiar with partners who are willing to work on such things yet either but i have faith they are out there as long as we keep working on ourselves as well 

1. I loved this man so much. He admitted to cheating on me. I took him back. He began to think I wasn’t enough and went back and forth on loving me. The emotional rockiness he created was the problem. He continued to come back for years pleading with me to take him back. Confusing. 
2. No depth, superficial friendship and neither of us were in love 

3. Very peaceful relationship but isolating and codependent. I ended this one because I felt like I was his whole life. There was no world outside of our two person bubble and he had mental health issues 

4. he was emotionally immature and I continued to fight for the relationship until I was a mess. Constantly trying to fix and understand. He was tired of feeling like nothing was enough, I continued to bring up issues bc he was defensive and would not apologize, our arguments were going in circles and he was tired (even though I’d say he was the cause)

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you posted on here recently under a different username? 

Your posts are remarkably similar to another very recent thread. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Smallturtle26 said:

Got it. I can do better about communicating when I’m in the middle of something urgent.

i hear you on the mood thing. I actually do it because I like to show up as an attentive/ loving partner. If I’m upset about something stupid unrelated to the relationship I just want to sleep it off for a few hours and come back happy. I wish it was ok to do that without a full explanation because nothing is actually wrong I’m just regulating. I guess I see it the same as doing chores or something- you might go an hour or two without responding because you’re taking care of what needs to be done?

what sucks is I’d totally do whatever my partner needs but some of it is not intuitive to me and I’ll miss something 

Always wanting to show up as an attentive/loving partner actually sounds kinda intense.  Do men actually want this?  Could it be that sometimes they just want to be chill and not need a partner who is highly focussed on them?   Do you struggle with wanting to be perfect?

Doing chores is not a reason delay a response.  At the very least, you could respond with "I'm in the middle of chores and I don't want to break the roll.  I'll come back to you when I'm done. Probably about 1.5hrs"

I think we're starting to see some of the reasons guys aren't staying around.

Edited 13 hours ago by basil67

[Smallturtle26]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Always wanting to show up as an attentive/loving partner actually sounds kinda intense.  Do men actually want this?  Could it be that sometimes they just want to be chill and not need a partner who is highly focussed on them?   Do you struggle with wanting to be perfect?

Doing chores is not a reason delay a response.  At the very least, you could respond with "I'm in the middle of chores and I don't want to break the roll.  I'll come back to you when I'm done. Probably about 1.5hrs"

I think we're starting to see some of the reasons guys aren't staying around.

Yea I agree I think it’s exhausting. Apparently I’m too chill though- partners have felt that I haven’t given them enough time and they’re not a priority in my life. It feels unnatural for me to give timelines for my day

[Smallturtle26]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you posted on here recently under a different username? 

Your posts are remarkably similar to another very recent thread. 

Not me but thats good to know that people are going through similar stuff

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Smallturtle26 said:

Yea I agree I think it’s exhausting. Apparently I’m too chill though- partners have felt that I haven’t given them enough time and they’re not a priority in my life. It feels unnatural for me to give timelines for my day

Noooo  - you're the opposite of too chill.   I read you as being too intense and unwilling to be flexible....hence the complaints about you not giving them enough time, not making them a priority and being unwilling to give timelines of your day.