I'm afraid of bothering the wrong woman.

[Vishalm]

I want to approach women I find attractive. Because of my anxiety I pretty much go out of my way to avoid them. Also, I'm worried some might see me as nuisance or hate it because many women don't want men to approach them. Considering I'm 21 years old, it's kind of a problem. It's an issue romantically, of course, but even just platonically. I can't even look in the general direction of a woman if I find her attractive, let alone try and speak to them. And no, it's not bc I think women aren't people or anything.

This mostly stems from the fact of being in online spaces where women arre talking about men, specifically how they hatee them. I've tried volunteering to be more social, and since I like art, it's at an art gallery, which is usually full of women. But even going to them just to be social not looking for dates or anything, hasn't made it easier. I still just avoid them and can never initiate a conversation due to being crazy afraid. Sometimes I sweat a lot even thinking about it.

I recently went to an art festival with the curator of the gallery I volunteer at and her friend was with us and she was very, very pretty, and super nice. But trying to talk with her felt impossible. I don't have this issue with men, women I'm not attracted to, or women that are at work like cashiers, waitresses, servers, etc. Is there anything that can realistically help with this?

[Sony12]

One thing to remember is don't let your online experiences affect your ability to communicate with people in person. Online people are often completely different then they are in person. They say things they would never say in real life and often times they create a certain 'character' to express themselves. 

People in general enjoy being approached unless it becomes too much or the person clearly isn't listening to 'not interested' signals.

[Alpacalia]

Honestly the main thing working against you is that you've spent too much time in online spaces where the most frustrated women are venting, and you've internalized that as "this is how all women feel about being approached." It's not. The curator's friend was nice to you in real life ... that's the actual data point. The gallery is also a cheat code you're not using, because you already have a reason to talk to anyone there. "What do you think of this one?" is not a pickup line, it's just two people in a room with paintings. Start there, say one sentence, don't flee, and your brain slowly figures out the threat isn't real. 

[basil67]

I think your problem goes back to objectifying women.   Remember that pretty women are still just women.  Some are lovely, some are kind, some are self centred, and some are hateful.

[Gebidozo]

You need to go out there and get to know real women.

People vent their frustrations and darkest thoughts online, that’s not always a healthy space to communicate and certainly not one where generalizations can be made about entire groups of people.

What you’re saying about women (they “don’t want to be approached”, “they hate men”) makes little sense. Women who truly hate men are a small minority. Most women don’t mind being approached by men, they just don’t want to be disrespected.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in striking a conversation with any woman. You need a lot of practice and nothing to lose - if a woman is bothered and doesn’t want to continue the conversation, she’ll let you know and you simply back off. Get rid of your preconceptions and be confident. A little shyness can be charming, but fear is creepy. 

 

[Gebidozo]

duplicate

Edited Friday at 10:53 PM by Gebidozo