Broke up with boyfriend of 9 years 2 days ago-No Contact is really hard

[Lauriebell82]

9 year relationship-both divorced, we don't live together. He has some issues with progressing the relationship after all this time. I'm not in a hurry to get married or live together but some plans or even being able to talk about it would be nice. I tried to do that a few days ago and he still seemed unsure. But another reason is that communication between us has been off past few months. He's been trying to bait me into fights by blowing up at me-I thought maybe he was trying to do the "slow fade" but wasn't sure. Finally when I initiated the break up talk he confirmed we needed a clean break. So it was the right thing. But now I feel like I'm in agony after seeing/talking to the same person for 9 years! Not a peep from him but he's an avoidant. Trying to be strong but all I've done the past 2 days is cry and this was my idea. Not sure why I thought this would be easier! I'm hoping he comes back because I want him back, but I'm not sure if that's my grief talking. 

Edited June 24 by Lauriebell82

[stillafool]

Do you think he may have met someone else?  I only ask because you said he's been trying to bait you into fights and was quick to want a clean break.  Those are signs that someone else may have caught his attention and he wants to explore it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I'm hoping he comes back because I want him back, but I'm not sure if that's my grief talking. 

It's likely a mix of grief and the loss of something that has been familiar to you and a constant presence for almost a decade. That is going to be hard to cope with at first, even though ending the relationship was clearly the right choice. You're going to need to time to navigate this new landscape without him, which will take time. 

Because honestly? It doesn't sound this relationship was going anywhere, and it very much appears as though he's wanted to end it for a while but didn't have the courage to do so. I agree with @stillafool that there are some indicators that he might have met someone else. It's also possible that he's just plain realized that you two aren't right for each other but lacked the courage and maturity to pull the plug gracefully. 

6 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

He has some issues with progressing the relationship after all this time. I'm not in a hurry to get married or live together but some plans or even being able to talk about it would be nice

After 9 years, it is ludicrous that you cannot even discuss these things with him. If he still isn't sure after almost a decade, then girl, there is nothing to go back to here. Living together much less getting married are not in the cards for you two you. 

Take your time processing and learning to be on your own again. It will not be easy, but once you have healed, I think you will be very grateful that stopped wasting your time with someone who did not want the same future as you . 

[Sanch62]

Grief is natural, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Consider reading up on the stages of grief. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance.

These are not neat and linear stages, so they aren’t milestones for tracking your progress. They are just aspects of healing that you’re likely to cycle through, and often mix together and combine. Or you might ping pong between several in one day or hour. But it’s helpful to map some of what you’re feeling to these stages so you can recognize them as typical despite feeling like some bizarre freak. You are not; that’s grief.

For instance, wanting him back combines denial and bargaining. You might tap into acceptance for a few minutes only to land in anger or start bargaining again. This is typical, so don’t be hard on yourself about it.

While rumination is typical, it’s helpful to give yourself rewards for pushing beyond that to reach TOWARD something rather than merely trying to move away from grief. Every small baby step you make in the right direction is cumulative progress, even despite the hardest days when you feel like you’ve slipped back into full grief. That’s an illusion, you won’t lose your progress. Just keep reaching for better days, and allow for pleasant surprise when they come.

Head high, you are suffering toward better days ahead, and write more if it helps.

[Lauriebell82]

Hi! Thank you for your responses. I don't know if he has someone else lined up or he was just unconsciously trying to get me to break up with him but either way I know I did the right thing. I still have not reached out to him or broken NC so that's a good thing. I've been talking to my therapist about why I attract these types of relationships and spend SO many years with emotionally unavailable people who can't TRULY commit to me. It's been very helpful as I believe the faulty messages come from my upbringing and things my parents told me (mainly my mother) such as "you need a man to support you" or "you have succeeded in life because you have a relationship." Which obviously as an adult I don't feel that these are true, however there are all these conflicts in my head that I even though I do SO well on my own, that somehow I am not complete without a man there. Which is weird. So I'm working on changing that in my healing process (something I DIDN'T do after my divorce). I certainly worked on being independent and having my own life but I didn't uncover the part about getting rid of the faulty messages about being nothing without a relationship. Or that if I'm not "chosen" as someone's wife I'm nothing. Which I know is also wrong. But again all these weird conflicts in my head. I need to begin to work on seeing myself as a success just for the person I am today. A single mother of 2 teenage sons, homeowner, ect. Everything amazing I have accomplished all by myself with nobody's help. 

[Sanch62]

Good excavation of the messages you were conditioned to believe. Another thing to consider is that who we attract is not a problem; it’s who we keep.

Most people are NOT our match. That’s natural odds, and we’ve all attracted our fair share of the wrong people. Healthy people screen those out a lot better and a lot sooner. So you’re right about why you settle for less than the relationship you envision and deserve, but it’s less about initial attraction and more about holding onto people who won’t give you what you want.

Bring that into your next session to discover why you’d rather try to win the challenge of transforming a piece of hay into your golden needle than throw it back into the haystack to keep searching for the real thing.

[Lauriebell82]

5 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Good excavation of the messages you were conditioned to believe. Another thing to consider is that who we attract is not a problem; it’s who we keep.

Most people are NOT our match. That’s natural odds, and we’ve all attracted our fair share of the wrong people. Healthy people screen those out a lot better and a lot sooner. So you’re right about why you settle for less than the relationship you envision and deserve, but it’s less about initial attraction and more about holding onto people who won’t give you what you want.

Bring that into your next session to discover why you’d rather try to win the challenge of transforming a piece of hay into your golden needle than throw it back into the haystack to keep searching for the real thing.

Very good insight! Are you a therapist? lol I ask because this is something I would say as I specialize (ironically) in treating those with relationship trauma. Who better to treat those suffering then someone who has first hand experience being in a string of highly traumatic relationships? 

Anyway-I do love your take on this and I think the initial attraction is part of the problem. I prioritize physical spark and chemistry which I think is part of the issue-not that I also don't want a connection but the men who ALSO do this are the emotionally unavailable ones but I don't realize this at the time. So they come on VERY strong saying all the right things, very love bomby and sweep me off my feet. They say they want something long term to get into my pants because they know that's what I WANT and what MY priority is. Then I think we are building an emotional connection when all along it was only really based on physical chemistry. So they essentially "future faked" the entire relationship based on a connection from sex and I don't realize it until their effort drops so incredibly low that it feels like I have no boyfriend or they just start acting like a total jerk. I try to remedy the situation because I feel like an idiot but they never wanted anything on a deeper level to begin with and led me on of years without me realizing. 

Now I am starting to realize what and who these men are and get smarter about who to end up in a relationship with. Once I am healed and ready to date though it's a little terrifying because I honestly have no clue what that would even look like in terms of someone "on the level" or "emotionally available." It's almost like I don't know how to recognize that because since my teenage years I've ONLY been interested in the highly charismatic unavailable ones. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry you're relationship didn't work out.. It feels like he felt pressure from getting married again. Nine years is a long time to invest in someone only to come to a fork in the road, where you want more, and your boyfriend doesn't. Some people don't need to get married or even live together.

And I think that's the actual issue, isn't it? Not that he didn't want marriage or cohabitation. Maybe he genuinely doesn't. And that would've been fine. That would have been workable, especially since you said you weren't in a hurry for those things either.

The problem wasn't what he wanted. The problem was that he couldn't tell you.

He couldn't have the conversation. He couldn't say "I don't see us getting married" or "I'm not interested in living together, and here's why." He just went avoidant. Picked fights. Shut down. Made you guess and worry and hope for something he wasn't actually willing to talk about.

[Sanch62]

Consider exploring whether the spark of chemistry that hooks you could be your own version of trauma bonding, especially given how long it keeps you catering to the challenge rather than recognizing futility. 

Also consider your private relationship goals and why you don’t screen carefully to meet those rather than sidelining them in favor of anyone who’s deeds don’t match his words. Explore the inner child work you would assign to those you would wish to help with their trauma.

My hope is that this kind of work can lead you beyond your own grief while building confidence in your resilience and ability to make the kinds of choices going forward that will have you thanking yourself for the effort.

[Lauriebell82]

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Consider exploring whether the spark of chemistry that hooks you could be your own version of trauma bonding, especially given how long it keeps you catering to the challenge rather than recognizing futility. 

Also consider your private relationship goals and why you don’t screen carefully to meet those rather than sidelining them in favor of anyone who’s deeds don’t match his words. Explore the inner child work you would assign to those you would wish to help with their trauma.

My hope is that this kind of work can lead you beyond your own grief while building confidence in your resilience and ability to make the kinds of choices going forward that will have you thanking yourself for the effort.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful as well. I appreciate you taking the time to help me on this! 

I have come to realize I have a VERY difficult time recognizing in myself and my own relationships what I can easily spot in 2 seconds in my own clients with their trauma. But this is quite normal for therapists who have their own trauma. There is a saying that goes "If you can spot it, you got it" which is what makes me so skilled at my job. And it's ironic because most trauma and relationship therapists are very skilled at their jobs but not skilled at managing their own relationships. Again I guess that's pretty normal-doctor's can't really treat themselves just like therapists can't. So I have to have my own trauma therapist to help me. 

I have found the most success with going to codependents anonymous (12 step programming) for the past 10 yrs in conjunction with therapy and working with recovery partners and a sponsor. Because similar to therapy we talk about everything you are talking about in that program as well (inner child work, trauma, actions matching words, needing to trying to change a partner, failure to pick up on red flags, ect) and then I have others assisting me as a sounding board and not just me going at it alone. I started the program shortly after my divorce (posts about my ex husband are actually on this forum if you go back and look them up, they are quite a riot lol) and it's helped tremendously!