I'm friends with a married couple, wife talks with an ex and borrows thousands to cover credit card debt, not sure what to do.

[TrashAshly]

I am friends with married couple Dan & Beth (not their real names). They've had money issues for some time. They're both ~40, they met a few years ago in Nevada, moved in and got married within months, then moved across the country without much of a plan largely houses are "cheap" here, and struggle to find work that pays well (there's a reason houses are cheap). Dan is an okay dude who will give you the shirt off his back but hasn't ever gotten up to much and largely has just been given everything he has in life by his parents (including the house), he mostly just goes to work (making less than what Beth has made from most of her previous jobs), and plays videogames. Beth meanwhile has never recovered from a previous marriage in terms of the pay she was making or self confidence, has been through several layoffs in the last couple years, had to support Dan for a while while he looked for "real" work, and can never seem to find anything better than warehouse or low-end QA jobs. Obviously things are not perfect, they don't seem to find joy in or build on each other, just exist together almost like roomies really.

Beth has run up a significant amount of credit card debt, and has turned to an ex-lover from across the country for a loan totaling several thousand dollars using her car as collateral. Beth has been in relatively regular contact with this guy on and off for years since even before her and Dan got together. I do not know much more than that, other than he apparently is much better off financially and has offered to take her in and pay off her debts if things don't work out with Dan, though to date she has not taken him up on it. 

In this situation, what's the play? On the one hand, this isn't my circus, these aren't my monkeys. On the other hand, I know if I were Dan, I'd want to know what was going on. Do I just mind my own business, or do I say something (and if so, how)?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, TrashAshly said:

On the other hand, I know if I were Dan, I'd want to know what was going on.

My first question is, how do you know all of this? Who is sharing all of this information with you, and why? 

 

Edited June 24 by ExpatInItaly

[TrashAshly]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My first question is, how do you know all of this? Who is sharing all of this information with you, and why? 

 

Beth will basically empty everything in her mind out into the world after a couple of drinks, or if she's just in the mood. I'm not the only one who knows, which also contributes to both my apprehension for Dan and my reluctance to be "that person". 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not get involved. 

 

 

[Sanch62]

The best way to prevent yourself from other people’s messes is to avoid playing in their dirt.

Go find something healthy and productive to do with your time.

[stillafool]

It's best to mind your own business.  You know too much already about this couple's life.  It's not your business to get involved by saying anything.

[basil67]

Beth should never have involved you.  But now that she's brought you into her business, I suggest you start a conversation with Beth that her choices have been weighing on your mind, and you don't feel comfortable keeping this degree of deception from Dan.    This may end your friendship with Beth, or it may provoke Beth into telling Dan, or you may end up telling Dan yourself.  

Edited June 24 by basil67

[Lauriebell82]

On 6/24/2026 at 5:53 PM, basil67 said:

Beth should never have involved you.  But now that she's brought you into her business, I suggest you start a conversation with Beth that her choices have been weighing on your mind, and you don't feel comfortable keeping this degree of deception from Dan.    This may end your friendship with Beth, or it may provoke Beth into telling Dan, or you may end up telling Dan yourself.  

I agree with this. Like it or not Beth involved you and you choose to insert yourself into the equation instead of saying "this is none of my business, I'd rather let you and Dan handle this." Where you go from here is your choice as well. I'd encourage her to get herself to get Dan and try to seek out professional counsel (like a couple's therapist) to try to work through their issues then stay out of their business by maintaining proper personal boundaries. Let them take care of and fix their own issues. By giving them a "suggestion" (and it is just that, they don't have to take it) you place the ball in Beth's court for her to solve her problems with Dan, but not do it empty handed.

Good luck!