Feeling hurt after fiancé went to Ibiza two weeks after proposing

[Anonymous]

We got engaged roughly one month ago, and have been together 1.5 years; it was really lovely, although it didn't go to his original plan. I get hung up on things being perfect and I was upset the following few weeks that it didn't happen in the grounds of the hotel he took us to, rather it was the night before in a different (random) hotel room, but looking back it was quite sweet. He said he actually preferred that it wasn't manufactured for a photo and we got to do everything he'd planned to celebrate anyway.

It was his mate's 40th a couple of weeks later, and we'd been invited to Ibiza for it. His wife had organised everything including a boat ride, dinners, club nights from Wednesday - Saturday. We'd been planning to go together - my fiancé was adamant, and that we'd go in to Mallorca after. I'd always thought his plan was to propose in Mallorca which is why I didn't look in to anything... obviously I then realised this wasn't the case. It came to a week before the trip, and my fiancé was really pretty overwhelmed especially since everything had gotten booked up. One of his friends had booked a room with twin beds, so he was welcome to stay there if I didn't want to go. My fiancé had also realised that Mallorca looked pretty expensive, since everything had been left so last minute... so that probably wasn't an option anymore.

Because I was feeling so upset, and told my bf I might get triggered when people start to ask me how he proposed in the coming weeks, he decided it might not be a good idea for me to go. He didn't want to spend £2-3k on a hotel for me to not enjoy it and potentially kick off. It has happened in the past where I've ruined his experience of things because something has affected me. This hurt me, and he said that if I could turn around and tell him I'd enjoy it, get involved he'd happily book it. I didn't say that as I just didn't feel welcomed at that point. I didn't know many in the group (of about 20), other than his two friends he hung around with most of the time - they went without their wives... but they also have kids to look after. He'd told me that  as it's a big group he wasn't sure how I'd handle it... and given a lot of them he knew in a work context, it wouldn't be good. In the past, my fiancé has always invited me along to & included me in everything, and talks about me with pride.

His friends are sensible, respectable and would never do anything out of line. Neither would my fiancé - he literally worships me even through our tough times. He missed me a lot whilst he was there, spoke about me often and couldn't wait to see me when he got back. He told me he had some important life/ work conversations lasting hours with his friends which wouldn't have happened if I was there. He got there late Thursday evening, so missed the boat trip, had to work there remotely on the Friday (not finishing until 6pm) while all his mates were drinking by the pool, and so only really had Friday evening & Saturday day & night. He returned Sunday afternoon. He said for this reason as well it may have been a waste of a trip for me as it wasn't as though we'd be enjoying it together during the day, I'd have had to keep myself busy on the Friday etc. 

He said he will happily take me in Ibiza in the future, and that that wasn't the trip for it. He said he enjoyed his time with his friends after what's been a tough few months, and that I should be happy for him. It annoys me that we were newly engaged and he essentially left me, but he says it was just for the weekend - if it was a couple of weeks he'd understand. To make it worse, his friend yesterday after congratulating us said 'ah yeah I'll propose, then a week later I'm off to Ibiza love'. This comment infuriated me, yes it's banter and my fiancé told me he'd told him I was upset about it so that could be why he said it too. My mum also agreed it was a bit weird he'd gone on his own given we'd just got engaged. But my fiancé is adamant the timing doesn't matter, he did not plan it that way.

When he came back he spoke about one of his mate's gfs, how we'd have gotten on so well, and that we'll meet sometime. I've also seen a pic where she's cheek to cheek with him (in a group) and the only video is also of that group with her dancing around in the background. This annoyed me too, but he's told me that it's insulting I'd think he'd want anything with her... that she's basically like a sister given it's his mates gf and that if he wanted to try anything he'd have never told me about her. He let me see all the pics. He also said his mate (whose gf it is) was around all the time, and she's also 10 years older than him. 

We should be celebrating our engagement right now but I genuinely feel depressed. My fiancé has the best heart, he is so caring, so funny, so thoughtful, and I genuinely don't know what I'd do without him. It just hurts me that he was adamant we'd go together and at the last min it felt like he pulled the plug. I don't know what to do to move forward - how do I get out of this slump? Am I being unreasonable?

[basil67]

I'm sorry it didn't work out as you'd hoped.  But kindly, he didn't just "pull the plug"   He had to drop you from the trip because you told him that you might get triggered about the proposal and you might kick off, and apparently you had done this before.  So you really gave him no choice in the matter. - he can't take you if he can't trust you to not kick off about being disappointed about the proposal....especially as it's a group holiday.  

You should be excited about being engaged to a man you love, not still hanging onto disappointment about a proposal which wasn't your dream proposal.  I can't help but wonder if this man truly is the right one for you.  

[Gebidozo]

OP, you got angry about nothing and basically planned to throw a tantrum on a vacation, then you got jealous over absolutely nothing.

I’ll be honest, I felt uneasy and kind of tired just reading what you wrote. Your fiancé appears to be a very patient, kind man. Cherish him.

[Sanch62]

Your glass is not half empty, it’s completely dry, and you are determined to ensure that it will remain that way no matter what anyone says or does to try to sprinkle any water in there.

You carefully and consciously view the world through a lens that depletes all joy. This will likely exhaust your fiancé long before your wedding planning can reap misery on every person who eventually quits or gets kicked out of your party.

Only you can turn your own ship around by finding gratitude in everything about your life and the people in it. Otherwise, you will remain as miserable as you are today, and you will regret each instance you’ve chosen to turn every less than perfect facet into a cloudy flaw that discolors the entire experience and has a cumulative effect on your whole future.

See the warning and change course.