How to deal with a boyfriend who gets extremely defensive and upset when I try to express my feelings

[jrunner81]

Hi everyone,

 

I am in need of some advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for coming up on 3-1/2 years (since late February of 2023).  We get along great and have an amazing time together.  We laugh a lot, rarely argue, and we are very close.  I am 44 (will be 45 in a few months) and he just turned 59 last month.  He is divorced and I was widowed age the age of 40 in 2022 when my husband passed away very suddenly from sepsis.  We don't live together (yet), but we spend the entirety of every single weekend and holiday together as well as go on vacations together.  I love him with all my heart and have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else. My whole family adores him as well.

 

However, there is something that I am not quite sure how to deal with, which is my boyfriend's very high tendency to become EXTREMELY defensive and angry and then go silent whenever I try to express something that is bothering me in the relationship.  He automatically goes into fight or flight mode and thinks that I am attacking him when that is absolutely NOT the case whatsoever. There is something that has been bothering me for quite some time now and it has gotten to the point where it has become a real issue for me.  I guess you could call both my boyfriend and I "gym rats."  We both go to the gym 4-5 times per week and work out very hard.  I am also an avid runner.  Because of this, we are both frequently sore.  Every weekend, he asks me for massages (feet, back, and legs). I am happy to do this because I enjoy making him feel good.  He used to reciprocate all the time, usually without me even having to ask him.  However, for over a year now, he almost NEVER reciprocates anymore.  In fact, when I ask him to, he will act like it is the biggest inconvenience in the world to him, or he will blow me off and tell me that he will do it in the morning.  A lot of times, he will say, "If you take care of me tonight, I'll do you tomorrow," but he never follows through.  Just this past Friday night, he asked me for a foot rub while we were in bed.  Finally, at my wits end from not getting any reciprocation in I don't know how long, I said, "What about me???"  His response was, "What about you?"  I said, "I'm sore as well.  When will it ever be my turn?"  He then went on to say that he couldn't do it because his shoulder was hurting and some other lame excuses that I don't even remember right now.  Needless to say, it never happened.  This was on Friday night.  

 

On Saturday morning, I will admit that I woke up with a bit of an attitude.  I was pissed off, frustrated, and hurt.  I barely spoke two words to him when I woke up because I was so upset.  Finally, a couple of hours later, I knew that I was about to explode if I didn't get this off my chest and blurted out, "Do you not like touching me anymore?"  I then started to explain that I am giving him massages every single weekend, usually at least a couple of times each weekend, and it has been at least a full year since he has returned the favor, and when I asked him the night prior, he had outright refused, which he does all the time.  He immediately became EXTREMELY defensive and angry.  He said, "If I didn't like touching you, then why did we have sex just the other night???  Doesn't THAT involve touching???"  I calmly tried to explain that this has absolutely nothing to do with sex.  He then started listing all of the things that he does for me and said, "I do all of these things for you, but you choose to focus on the one thing that I don't do and don't have any appreciation."  I immediately told him that it was ENTIRELY unfair for him to say that as I ALWAYS express my gratitude to him.  I also do A LOT for him.  I won't list everything that I do, but it's a lot, probably more than I should.  He proceeded to say that this was exactly how his ex-wife was, how no matter what he did, it was never enough, etc.  He said me that I was being accusatory towards him and that maybe our relationship has just "run its course."  I tried very calmy explaining to him that I am in NO way attacking or accusing him, rather trying to have open and honest communication so that we can understand each other better, and that whenever there is a problem, I would hope that we can talk about it and work through it together.  I reminded him that when we first started dating well over 3 years ago, he told me how important communication was to him and that if he ever did something to upset or bother me that he would want me to tell him and said that he would do the same.  He sarcastically replied, "Well, thank you for communicating."  He was mostly silent for the rest of the day and didn't even want me to touch him last night.

 

Again, this is not the first time he has reacted this way when I have tried to express my feelings/emotions about this very same topic.  I just don't know what to do to make him realize that I am in no way being accusatory.  I am just trying to understand how he is feeling regarding the issue, why he no longer likes to reciprocate massages, and let him know that I am feeling hurt, frustrated, and a bit neglected by his refusal/unwillingness to reciprocate.  It makes me feel unwanted, unappreciated, and gives me almost a feeling of rejection. I have no idea if this behavior comes from his past marriage or the fact that he suffers from PTSD from a nearly 30-year career in law enforcement in a very bad city, where he saw very horrible things.  Either way, I am hoping to come up with an effective way to approach this without him feeling attacked or outright criticized.

 

If anyone has any advice, I would be ever so appreciative!  

Edited June 21 by jrunner81

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, jrunner81 said:

I just don't know what to do to make him realize that I am in no way being accusatory. 

1 hour ago, jrunner81 said:

I am hoping to come up with an effective way to approach this without him feeling attacked or outright criticized.

To be fair, this approach didn't help your case: 

1 hour ago, jrunner81 said:

I will admit that I woke up with a bit of an attitude.  I was pissed off, frustrated, and hurt.  I barely spoke two words to him when I woke up because I was so upset.  Finally, a couple of hours later, I knew that I was about to explode if I didn't get this off my chest and blurted out, "Do you not like touching me anymore?"

I get that you were frustrated, but very few people would be receptive to really hearing their partner if they come at them like that. It indeed sounds like you have valid concerns, but I can also see why he got his back up in that moment. It likely would have been far more productive to approach him calmly, say you had some concerns you wanted to share with him, let him hear you, and ask him for his thoughts.  When you come out swinging, so to speak, it follows that he will probably get his dukes right up there with you. 

How have other conversations about this gone in the past? In other words, do you often bottle things up until you are leading with anger? Or was this a one-off? 

1 hour ago, jrunner81 said:

He said me that I was being accusatory towards him and that maybe our relationship has just "run its course." 

However, this comment to me is telling. Perhaps he generally is not as interested as he once was, or doesn't feel that close to you anymore. I see that you still have an active sex life, but it very much appears as though there is an emotional disconnect between you two. He is more distant, and you are hurting for more attention and care. Do you think he still sees a future with you?

[jrunner81]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To be fair, this approach didn't help your case: 

I get that you were frustrated, but very few people would be receptive to really hearing their partner if they come at them like that. It indeed sounds like you have valid concerns, but I can also see why he got his back up in that moment. It likely would have been far more productive to approach him calmly, say you had some concerns you wanted to share with him, let him hear you, and ask him for his thoughts.  When you come out swinging, so to speak, it follows that he will probably get his dukes right up there with you. 

How have other conversations about this gone in the past? In other words, do you often bottle things up until you are leading with anger? Or was this a one-off? 

However, this comment to me is telling. Perhaps he generally is not as interested as he once was, or doesn't feel that close to you anymore. I see that you still have an active sex life, but it very much appears as though there is an emotional disconnect between you two. He is more distant, and you are hurting for more attention and care. Do you think he still sees a future with you?

I was VERY calm when I initiated the conversation and used a very soft, non-accusatory tone and I was FAR from coming out swinging.  I remained calm through the entire conversation trying to deescalate him.  Like I said, this is a repeat pattern of behavior for him and he has reacted identically in past conversations regarding this same topic. He takes everything as a personal attack. 

 

Again, his outright refusal to reciprocate has been going on for well over a year now and I have tried having several conversations about it, only to be met with this same reaction.

Edited June 21 by jrunner81

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, jrunner81 said:

I was VERY calm when I initiated the conversation and used a very soft, non-accusatory tone and I was FAR from coming out swinging.

You said you just blurted it out when you hadn't said much to him on waking up, and that you had a bit of an attitude. It is unlikey he interpreted your words as non-accuastory, given the context of you bringing it up. 

In any event, it sounds like there is resentment on both sides - you towards him, and him towards you. I also don't think this is really about a lack of massages, in and of itself. It would be random hill to die on if it were, if the rest of the relationship were otherwise happy and quite healthy.

Underneath your feelings about the massages, there appears to be feelings of general neglect or feeling undesired by him. Would that be the case? 

[jrunner81]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You said you just blurted it out when you hadn't said much to him on waking up, and that you had a bit of an attitude. It is unlikey he interpreted your words as non-accuastory, given the context of you bringing it up. 

In any event, it sounds like there is resentment on both sides - you towards him, and him towards you. I also don't think this is really about a lack of massages, in and of itself. It would be random hill to die on if it were, if the rest of the relationship were otherwise happy and quite healthy.

Underneath your feelings about the massages, there appears to be feelings of general neglect or feeling undesired by him. Would that be the case? 

Yes, I kind of blurted it out, not in an accusatory tone, but one of genuine curiosity as to why he hasn't reciprocated in so long and always refuses to when asked.  I told him right up front that I am not attacking him, but that I simply feel hurt by his refusal to reciprocate as well as very confused as to why he used to always reciprocate in the earlier days of relationship, but has entirely stopped for well over a year now.  Again, I told him that I love giving him massages every weekend, but that it feels like it's very one-sided when I am never getting any in return.  We've had this exact same conversation at least a couple of times over the past year or more and his response has been identical every time.

 

No, there are no feelings of neglect outside of this.  Like I said, we get along great, having an amazing time together, laugh a lot, not to mention have a quite healthy sex life.  I just feel very slighted in this one area, especially when I am the only one who is giving and he is always the one receiving. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

  We don't live together (yet), 

You need to NOT move in with this guy if this is how he acts.

It's not about his lack of giving you massages, but the way he blows up, throws a tantrum and has anger issues whenever you two have a disagreement.

[jrunner81]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You need to NOT move in with this guy if this is how he acts.

It's not about his lack of giving you massages, but the way he blows up, throws a tantrum and has anger issues whenever you two have a disagreement.

Yes, I agree.  He blew up over absolutely nothing.  It would be one thing if he would actually have a civilized adult conversation about it with me, but he outright refuses.  This wasn't some huge crisis!  I just wanted to him to help me understand why it has been so long since he's been willing and wanting to reciprocate. That's it!  For him to get so incredibly defensive and go off on me the way that he did, followed by several hours of silent treatment is definitely a red flag in my book.  I love him to death, but until he can show me that he is actively working on this and is making great improvements, I absolutely will not move in with him.

[ShyViolet]

46 minutes ago, jrunner81 said:

I just wanted to him to help me understand why it has been so long since he's been willing and wanting to reciprocate. 

I don't think there's some insightful answer you are going to get here.  He just doesn't want to.  He wants to receive but is too lazy and selfish to give.  It sounds pretty simple.

 

47 minutes ago, jrunner81 said:

 until he can show me that he is actively working on this and is making great improvements, I absolutely will not move in with him.

It doesn't sound like he has any intention whatsoever of working on this.

[Alpacalia]

Not that I agree with his behavior but one of the biggest things working against you is your timing...by the time you say anything, you've already been stewing for hours or even days, which means you're not starting a conversation so much as releasing built-up pressure.

Waking up with a visible attitude and going silent for hours before explaining why puts him on edge before you've even said a word, so he's already bracing for an attack by the time you open your mouth. Then, when you do finally speak, leading with a question like "Do you not like touching me anymore?" corners him immediately into defensiveness because it sounds like an accusation dressed up as a question.

Bringing up the full year of unreciprocated massages all at once feels like a prosecution of his character rather than a conversation about a specific moment, and when he tries to defend himself by listing what he does do for you, pushing back with "that's entirely unfair" makes him feel like his perspective is being dismissed rather than heard. The more you try to explain that you're not attacking him, the more it signals to him that his reaction is irrational, which only digs the defensiveness deeper. Pulling out something he said three years ago about valuing communication might feel relevant to you, but in the heat of the moment it reads as a gotcha.

And once he's fully shut down and gone silent, continuing to press for resolution just adds more damage to an already raw situation. The pattern overall is that you hold it in too long, bring it up at the worst possible moment, and then try to win him over with logic when he's already emotionally checked out.

His behavior is a textbook example of someone who cannot tolerate feeling criticized.

Saying things like "maybe our relationship has run its course" when faced with a simple conversation about massages is an emotional shutdown tactic, whether he realizes it or not, it's designed, consciously or not, to make you feel so threatened about the relationship itself that you back down and drop the issue. The silent treatment and refusing to let you touch him afterward is punishment, plain and simple.

The fact that he once told you he valued open communication but reacts this way when you actually try to have it is a significant contradiction that he hasn't been held accountable for. Whether this stems from his past marriage, his PTSD, or just deeply ingrained defensiveness, the effect on you is the same, you are being trained to stay quiet about your needs because speaking up always costs you something.

[jrunner81]

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Bringing up the full year of unreciprocated massages all at once feels like a prosecution of his character rather than a conversation about a specific moment

I've actually brought this up to him several times over the past year or more that it has been an issue and he always reacts with the same level of defensiveness, followed by shutdown.  It doesn't matter how calm or nonconfrontational I am.  He always jumps right into defensive mode.

Saying things like "maybe our relationship has run its course" when faced with a simple conversation about massages is an emotional shutdown tactic, whether he realizes it or not, it's designed, consciously or not, to make you feel so threatened about the relationship itself that you back down and drop the issue. The silent treatment and refusing to let you touch him afterward is punishment, plain and simple.

Yes, I immediately knew that he was trying to shut the conversation down by saying these things, and of course the rest was all punishment for having the audacity to have feelings/emotions in our relationship and wanting to discuss them.  This sort of behavior definitely shows a huge lack of emotional maturity, which is quite concerning, especially for someone his age.

 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

He said me that I was being accusatory towards him and that maybe our relationship has just "run its course."

This is the most alarming part of your entire message.

It’s not normal to say something like this as a reaction to a complaint - especially a valid complaint like yours.

It’s one thing to get a bit angry and frustrated, and completely different thing to imply that a breakup is an actual possibility. 

Something is very wrong. He appears to have some serious reservations about the relationship that he doesn’t really articulate clearly.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Something is very wrong. He appears to have some serious reservations about the relationship that he doesn’t really articulate clearly

Yes, that stood out to me as well. 

You  might need to have deeper and possibly more difficult conversations with him, OP. 

[jrunner81]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This is the most alarming part of your entire message.

It’s not normal to say something like this as a reaction to a complaint - especially a valid complaint like yours.

 

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

 

I agree 100%.  When he said this, my first thought was, "Really???  That's how you feel just because I want to talk about something that is bothering me and can easily be resolved with a little communication???"  His reaction did not align with the situation at all.  It was VERY extreme.  You would've thought that I had accused him of beating my mother.  I could barely even get a sentence in because he just kept going on and on about how I was being accusatory, how he's "been here before" with his ex-wife, how I only focus on the one thing he doesn't do and ignore all of the things that he does do, etc.  It was WAY over the top.  I have also said to him on a few occasions that maybe I'm not the right person for him.  He gets insanely defensive to that as well!  He said, "If that were the case, why would I have spent every single weekend with you for the past 3+ years?"

 

It's been painfully obvious to me since the early days of our relationship that he has an avoidant attachment style.  He is very emotionally immature and avoids any sort of emotional intimacy like the plague.  I am the polar opposite.  I'm not sure if that has anything to do with how he reacts when I try to initiate these conversations or not.

Edited June 22 by jrunner81

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, jrunner81 said:

I have also said to him on a few occasions that maybe I'm not the right person for him. 

Well, this is also a very serious thing to say to your partner and certainly one equivalent to an alarm bell.

Your description of your actual interaction with him feels at odds with your initial statement about getting along great.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

I have also said to him on a few occasions that maybe I'm not the right person for him.

Why is this happening in a relationship that you describe as great apart from the lack of massages? 

 

[Sanch62]

You keep saying this could be resolved with a little communication, but how many ways and times does he have to say he doesn’t want to massage you?

He wants you to massage him. Then he wants to relax. And he’s unwilling to address that sequence by massaging you first. Because he doesn’t want to.

So he’s leaving you 3 choices. Either keep massaging him without reciprocation, or stop massaging him unless he’s willing to massage you first, or just stop massaging him, period.

You get to decide whether this issue, along with the way he has reacted to it, must become a larger problem in your relationship. There’s no wrong answer to that.

[FredEire]

It sounds like you both struggle with communicating and get your wires crossed and interpret eachother quite unfavourably rather than calmly communicating your feelings. Its a negative feedback loop and when you both get eachothers back up it can start to feel like a he said she said feedback loop which in the long run leads to resentment.

[Alpacalia]

22 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

Bringing up the full year of unreciprocated massages all at once feels like a prosecution of his character rather than a conversation about a specific moment

I've actually brought this up to him several times over the past year or more that it has been an issue and he always reacts with the same level of defensiveness, followed by shutdown.  It doesn't matter how calm or nonconfrontational I am.  He always jumps right into defensive mode.

Saying things like "maybe our relationship has run its course" when faced with a simple conversation about massages is an emotional shutdown tactic, whether he realizes it or not, it's designed, consciously or not, to make you feel so threatened about the relationship itself that you back down and drop the issue. The silent treatment and refusing to let you touch him afterward is punishment, plain and simple.

Yes, I immediately knew that he was trying to shut the conversation down by saying these things, and of course the rest was all punishment for having the audacity to have feelings/emotions in our relationship and wanting to discuss them.  This sort of behavior definitely shows a huge lack of emotional maturity, which is quite concerning, especially for someone his age.

I mean this kindly but what makes sense about this relationship and staying together?

What is keeping you there, because something is. That's not a criticism. It's just true. People stay in difficult relationships for all kinds of real reasons... love, history, fear of being alone, hope that it'll shift, shared life, not being ready.......and most of those reasons are human and understandable.

But it's worth being clear-eyed with yourself about what that reason actually is. Because "I love him and I'm not ready to give up" is a different place to be standing than "I keep hoping if I find the right words, he'll finally hear me." The first is a choice. The second is a kind of trap.

What's your honest answer to why you're still in it?